Friday, December 19, 2008
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Friday, December 12, 2008
This week, we are living bama free and are taking a break from our normal column. Today, with some of our buddies, we were asked (because we are a relative authority on this), to compile a list of both the top NES (original Nintendo) and the top games on all systems. The following is what was sent out to the group:
Saturday, December 6, 2008
This week’s bama is Ryan Phillipe. Why? There are so many reasons why that it’s almost too overwhelming. You know how you know something is so obvious and then that obtuse chucklehead is like: ‘Gimme an example’ but you can’t think of one on the spot and you get so furious because what you’re saying is obvious and this biscuithead is being stupid? You know that feeling? That’s us with Ryan Phillipe.
1st, and most importantly, that ‘e’ at the end of his name is so dumb. Is it phillip-eh, philleep, phillip? No one knows. Guaranteed he changes it if he’s somewhere where he wants to sound cultured. You know when that bagadouche is in France he has them pronounce it all accented. Sickening. We hate that ‘e’ like Andy Reid hates facing a challenge decision.
2nd, bruh? Ummmmmm bruh? You did not just get out of the shower. Why is your hair so wet looking? The state of perpetual wetness is so bamafied. That constant moisture hair is the equivalent of Antoine Walker doing a 3 second shimmy after a making a 1st quarter 18-footer to put the Celtics down 10 to the Cavaliers in 2002.
3rd, His marriage and then mysterious relationship ending with Reese Witherspoon. We hate how overhyped Reese Witherspoon is. She is the Troy Aikmen of actresses (Note: Aikman the analyst not the concussed player who never threw for more than 24 TDs in a season. His equivalent is Don Johnson). People just accept that she is the truth. Whatever. But R.Philleep-A, and her were like this young power couple except that she got acting roles and he pretended that he was that b*tchbot from Cruel Intentions in real life. His death scene in that movie is like watching an 8AM Sunday morning pickup hoops game at the Y. It really burned the buntcakes of Gus Johnson’s Whisper that these 2 were always on tv and that their break-up was all mysterious. Without looking it up, name something else he has been in. The only thing we could think of is that doo-doo movie about secret societies at Yale and that was 37 years ago. Was Craig T Nelson in that? Probably. How much better does the T make Craig Nelson? 200%? 500%?
4th, He was on Inside the Actor’s Studio once and it seemed like he was so desperate to be there. The ballers are sort of like, sure, I’ll come by J. Lipton. You know that dude’s agent or PR person or whatever was hounding J Lip for weeks to squeeze Ryan Phillip-eh in.
-‘Hello is this James Lipton?”
JL: ‘Yes this is the J-Lizzy.’
-‘James, Tracy Masterson here from Team Phillip… PhilleepA… Phill-eep-eh… you know that dude with the wet and curly hair from that movie with the overhyped mouse chick that played Buffy on the TV show?’
JL: ‘Uh… yes… what can I do for you? I have to go prep for my show. I’ve got Kevin Spacey, Daniel Day Lewis, and Merrill Streep coming in this week…’
-‘We were hoping that you could squeeze Ryan Philipsa onto your show. He’s been making this pouty face for 20 minutes in my office and says he’s not going to eat until he gets on your show.’
JL: ‘Aaaiiight den, hit up my assistant and we’ll lock it down. One.’
5th, he has kids. Imagine if that was your dad. Imagine him trying to teach you how to throw and catch? Can you picture him doing the thing with the football where he holds it sideways, puts it right next to his shoulder, leads with his elbow and shotputs it halfway between you and him then does an awkward laugh? We can picture that and it annoys us.
6th, Who are his boys? Who does he hang out with? Do you think he has guys over to play Halo? What about to screen movies? Like when the Dark Knight comes out on blue ray, who is he calling to watch it on his huge screen? Guaranteed he won’t even watch it because he’s still salty that Heath Ledger got the part and he didn’t even get a call for Dancing with the Stars 6.
Smell you later Ryan Phillippe, you are a D1 All America Bama.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Monday, November 24, 2008
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Here at Gus Johnson's Whisper, we love to analyze things. Here is something that has needed analyzing for many years. The following is a transcript of the conversation between Tony Montana and Alejandro Sosa. This is the part where Sosa questions if Tony is trustworthy and Tony's response:
Sosa: So how do I know
you're not a chivato, too, Tony?
Tony: Let's get this straight now.
I never fucked anybody over in my life
who didn't have it coming. You got that?
All I have in this world is my balls
and my word and I don't break them...
...for no one, you understand?
That piece of shit up there,
I never like him, I never trusted him.
For all I know, he had me set up and
had my friend, Angel Fernandez, killed.
But that's history. I'm here, he's not.
You want to go on with me, say it.
You don't, then you make a move.
We tried to find a clip of that to give you a visual but we couldn't. You all know what we're talking about though. Tony is standing on Sosa's property, surrounded by armed guards, no allies for hundreds of miles, and no chance of escape. He offered Sosa a choice:
Option 1: If it is your desire to do business with me, I am amenable to this. I only ask that you voice this desire at this time.
Option 2: If you do not wish to conduct business with me for any reason, not only do I understand, but I ask that you initiate an action that will undoubtedly result in my death.
Sosa, of course, chose option 1 and the movie goes on. But what if he had chosen option 2? What does Tony Montana do right there? The breakdown:
-Tony tries to take Sosa hostage and make an escape.
Why it could work: Sosa is the boss and has tons of power. He could order his small army to stand down; figuring that he could take Tony and everyone he has ever cared for out later. So he might let Tony get out of there and get back home to Miami.
Why it wouldn't work: Tony presumably has no weapon. How is he going to take Sosa hostage? With awesomeness? You can't take a guy in a choke hold for hundreds of miles without something going wrong. Even a dude that was a master at choke holds like the semi-famous 'Choke Hold Jones' that used to roam the streets of Boulder, CO offering choke hold demonstrations to choke hold fans and novices who weren't really sure about their feelings on choke holds and they would need a choke hold demonstration from a choke hold master to render a verdict. Tony Montana, for all that he was, was not Choke Hold Jones.
-Tony tries to knock Sosa out then hide in the surrounding jungle
Why it could work: Tony sucker punches Sosa and knocks him out. If none of the guard army sees this, he can run through the vast cocaine fields and off of Sosa's property and into the jungle. Maybe he lives off the land for a while because he was in the army in Cuba and changes his appearance. Maybe he can smuggle himself into the US and start again by explaining to Frank Lopez that not only is Omar Suarez dead, but Sosa turned down a business proposition and opted to have me murdered...
Why it wouldn't work: Huge 'if' on the guards not seeing him and Tony making it off the property, huge! But say that he does get by them, makes his way through the vast fields of ye-yo (is that how you spell that? Whatever.), and then hides out in the jungle. Tony is a big city guy, Havana and then Miami. He's not a hobbit who lives off the land. Are you calling Tony Montana a hobbit? Because he is not. He is a political prisoner from Cuba and he wants his basic human rights... not hobbit rights.
-Tony backs off his previous hardline stance and offers another alternative
Why it could work: The idea that one has to do business with someone or murder them in cold blood seems a bit extreme no? 'Sir, would you like to purchase these goods?... No? Very well. I will now stab your neck with my shank.' Bit extreme. So Tony might have been able to reason with Sosa.
Why it wouldn't work: Come on bruh. This is not an option. How can Tony roll like that? It would be like him saying: 'All I have in this world are my balls and my word... unless that's not cool with you. Let's work it out Mr. Sosa. What's it gonna take for me to get you in a new Chevy Aveo today?' No chance.
In conclusion, the ballsiness of of saying 'do business with me or murder me' is the opposite of buying a Chevy Aveo.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
It’s Friday. It means it’s time for another edition of People We Think Are Bamas. This week’s bama: Mario Lopez.
Are you a Time or Newsweek guy? Are you a Democrat or Republican? Coke or Pepsi? Zelda or Mario? Xbox or Playstation? Zack or Slater?
You can only be one. And during the Saved By the Bell years, you were either a Zack guy or a Slater guy. We were Slater guys. Zack annoyed the beans out of us. He was touching Kelly Kapowlski more often than Slater but it didn’t matter. Albert Clifford was tighter. He was a better athlete than Zack and this is a sports blog. Zack was only randomly good at basketball for one episode and he tweaked his knee and couldn't play hurt. Why don't you stop time and take some of the mousse out of your dew their broheim? What's that NYPD Blue? Why don't you get a 1502 on your SAT's by sitting next to Christine Taylor before she starred on 'Hey Dude' on Nickelodeon and get out of our faces? Anyway, we liked Slater.
Now? He is a complete bama. He blows lines. He cheated on his fiancé Ali Landry. Wazzupwiddat? Yeah, Ali Landry. Look it up. He hosted dumb shows. Miss America. Pet Star on Animal Planet.
What annoys us most about him? Well, there’s the whole cheating thing. Like, he wants to make it cool that he cheated on an awesome girl whose life he ruined. Like “Ha, ha. Yeah, I cheated on her. It was incredible.” Come on, man. Take a bath in a flaming lava pit. Assassinate yourself with a crossbow.
But this is what makes him a total bama: he tries to be all pseudo hip hop now with that MTV America’s Best Dance Troup or Group or whatever show. “AHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhh Yeeeeeeeeeeaaaaah, make some noizzzzzzzzzzzzeeeee for my booyyyyyyyyyyz the Jaberwockeeeeeeeeezzzzz.” Don’t be all hip hop Mario. Respect yourself before you wriggidy wreck yourself, AC.
We don’t know why this annoys us so much but it does. Just don’t be all hip hop if you aren’t. Here's the thing, if he was always all hip-hop, then that's his deal and we can get annoyed for other reasons. But you know what? He was one of the dudes on the male version of 'The View'. You cannot be a sensa-male on daytime then go hip-hop style on MTV asking the Boogie Bots to step up and represent their hood.
And the rampant blowing of lines is so annoying too. You know the terrible dudes you meet at parties who like really want you to know they blow lines without actually saying “I blow lines because I went from wanting a quick high to not being able to deal in any social situation involving more than one person other than myself”? They have this sort of smile and over-the-top firm handshake that makes them fart because they press so hard. You all know who I’m talking about? This is Mario Lopez. When he gets up on his show, that poop-eating smile he gives you says, “I’m out here right now all wholesome and semi-hip-hop, but when we go to commercial, I’m going to snort one down, neck with the underwhelming production assistant, touch the sides of my awkward hair down, snort another one down, grab my junk, and then come back out in under 60 seconds. And you’ll still think I’m the good hip-hop.”
Ugh, just thinking about him sickens us. We’re out.