Friday, December 19, 2008

Does This Happen To You?

We liked the first one, so we put up part 2.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

A Fan in December

This is what it's like to be a Redskins fan on a Sunday in December. Produced by Gus Johnson's Whisper correspondent, Danny Rouhier.


Friday, December 12, 2008

No Bamas This Week, Instead: A Video Game Countdown

This week, we are living bama free and are taking a break from our normal column.  Today, with some of our buddies, we were asked (because we are a relative authority on this), to compile a list of both the top NES (original Nintendo) and the top games on all systems.  The following is what was sent out to the group:

In a twist, I myself crashed.  I have now rebooted and believe I can come up with something for everyone.  I hope everyone enjoys this.

Nintendo Games for the original NES (note, you can play nintendo games online here:

1) The Legend of Zelda
2) Metroid
3) Mike Tyson's Punchout (the version released after the rape charge had 'Mr Dream' at the end and was no where near as tight)
4) Dragon Warrior 
5) Super Tecmo Bowl
6) Castlevania II: Simon's Quest
7) Super Mario Brothers
8) Final Fantasy
9) Mega Man
10) Contra
11) The Adventures of Lolo
12) Kid Icarus
13) Baseball Stars (would be higher but it was frustrating because you would ALWAYS lose the saved data)
14) Star Tropics
15) Dragon Warrior IV
16) Wizards and Warriors (most underrated video game ever made) 
17) Maniac Mansion
18) Crystalis
19) Castlevania III: Dracula's Curse
20) Zelda II: The Adventure of Link
21) Rygar (this would be a top 3 game ever if there were continues or a password. You had to beat it in 1 sitting which lowers it)
22) Shadowgate
23) Super Mario Brothers 3
24) Ducktales
25) Faxanadu

Top video games on any system (PC not eligible):

1) The Legend of Zelda (NES).  I wrote an article about this for IGN.  It changed everything.  It was the Star Wars of Video Games.  Blended action RPG, smooth and layered gameplay, incredible story, perfect difficulty, graphically superior to it's contemporaries.  It was literally perfect.  Also, the cartridge was gold.

2) Final Fantasy VII (playstation): to give you an idea, this game has spawned 2 movies, 4 video game spin-offs, and millions of fans world wide.  Further, my boy ***** and I spent 199 hours and 59 minutes getting through half the game together.  400 hours.  The standard for all RPGs forevermore.  I literally just got dusty in my eyes thinking about how tight this game is.

3) Grand Theft Auto: Vice City (PS 2): They worked out the bugs so it played smooth, the soundtrack is INCREDIBLE, the things you get to do are amazing (you direct a porn movie with Jenna Jameson for example), the missions are great.  The series peaked right here.

4) Super Metroid (SNES): simply put, an amazing game
5) NHL 94 (Genesis): greatest sports game ever made
6) Mike Tyson's punchout (NES)
7) Zelda: Ocarina of Time (N 64)
8) Metal Gear Solid II (PS 2)
9) Mario Kart: think about the casual gamer.  Everyone, even ****** plays this game.
10) Castlevania: Symphony of the Night (PS)
11) Metroid (NES)
12) Halo (XBOX)
13) Tomb Raider (PS)
14) Chrono Trigger (SNES)
15) Resident Evil (PS)
16) Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time (PS 2)
17) Panzer Dragoon Saga (Sega Saturn)
18) Final Fantasy III (SNES)
19) Goldeneye (N 64)
20) Super Mario 64
21) Dragon Warrior NES
22) Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion (PS 3)
23) Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic (XBOX)
24) Final Fantasy Tactics (PS)
25) Devil May Cry (PS 2)

Some notes:
*****= name removed to protect the innocent
-NHL 93 vs NHL 94: The one-timers, better control, in game-options, empirically, made 94 a better game.  You cannot argue against the heart though.  I understand where you come from on this ******.

-There are lots of fighting games not on the list.  the problem I have with them is that this is more about 'the series' than any one game.  Each one, inherently lacks depth and his repetitive.  The various Mortal Kombats, Soul Calibers (the most recent with Darth Vader is amazing), and Tekkens can never get you the involved gameplay that are so important to me and other hardcore gamers

-System Breakdown:

NES: 4, Playstation: 5, Super Nintendo: 3, XBOX: 2, Nintendo 64: 3, Playstation 2: 4, PS 3: 1, Sega Saturn: 1, Sega Genesis: 2

-I started to do a system by system breakdown but thought that might be too much.

-There are a few titles on there who's commercial success did not match the stature of the game.  The Panzer Dragoon Saga came out right before the end of the Sega Saturn.  It was an absolute achievement and only sold around 10k copies in the US.

-You should be able to see a bias towards older games.  This is intentional.  Everyone is very quick to throw the latest game atop the heap.  Games now, for the most part, are like big budget movies.  There really aren't that many that really make a lot of money because of increased production costs.  This is a bad trend in gaming.  Games are now rated on 'voice acting talent' the way they used to be rated on 'graphics and sound'.  There are some INCREDIBLE games out right now that are visually compelling and fun to play.  They mostly lose replay value because of elaborate cut scenes, dialogue etc.  Replay value is huge now because games cost $60.

-Final Note: I have beaten all the games on the above list that are beatable.

Your friend,
Gus Johnson's Whisper

Saturday, December 6, 2008

People We Think Are Bamas Part VIII

This week’s bama is Ryan Phillipe. Why? There are so many reasons why that it’s almost too overwhelming. You know how you know something is so obvious and then that obtuse chucklehead is like: ‘Gimme an example’ but you can’t think of one on the spot and you get so furious because what you’re saying is obvious and this biscuithead is being stupid? You know that feeling? That’s us with Ryan Phillipe.

1st, and most importantly, that ‘e’ at the end of his name is so dumb. Is it phillip-eh, philleep, phillip? No one knows. Guaranteed he changes it if he’s somewhere where he wants to sound cultured. You know when that bagadouche is in France he has them pronounce it all accented. Sickening. We hate that ‘e’ like Andy Reid hates facing a challenge decision.

2nd, bruh? Ummmmmm bruh? You did not just get out of the shower. Why is your hair so wet looking? The state of perpetual wetness is so bamafied. That constant moisture hair is the equivalent of Antoine Walker doing a 3 second shimmy after a making a 1st quarter 18-footer to put the Celtics down 10 to the Cavaliers in 2002.

3rd, His marriage and then mysterious relationship ending with Reese Witherspoon. We hate how overhyped Reese Witherspoon is. She is the Troy Aikmen of actresses (Note: Aikman the analyst not the concussed player who never threw for more than 24 TDs in a season. His equivalent is Don Johnson). People just accept that she is the truth. Whatever. But R.Philleep-A, and her were like this young power couple except that she got acting roles and he pretended that he was that b*tchbot from Cruel Intentions in real life. His death scene in that movie is like watching an 8AM Sunday morning pickup hoops game at the Y. It really burned the buntcakes of Gus Johnson’s Whisper that these 2 were always on tv and that their break-up was all mysterious. Without looking it up, name something else he has been in. The only thing we could think of is that doo-doo movie about secret societies at Yale and that was 37 years ago. Was Craig T Nelson in that? Probably. How much better does the T make Craig Nelson? 200%? 500%?

4th, He was on Inside the Actor’s Studio once and it seemed like he was so desperate to be there. The ballers are sort of like, sure, I’ll come by J. Lipton. You know that dude’s agent or PR person or whatever was hounding J Lip for weeks to squeeze Ryan Phillip-eh in.

-‘Hello is this James Lipton?”

JL: ‘Yes this is the J-Lizzy.’

-‘James, Tracy Masterson here from Team Phillip… PhilleepA… Phill-eep-eh… you know that dude with the wet and curly hair from that movie with the overhyped mouse chick that played Buffy on the TV show?’

JL: ‘Uh… yes… what can I do for you? I have to go prep for my show. I’ve got Kevin Spacey, Daniel Day Lewis, and Merrill Streep coming in this week…’

-‘We were hoping that you could squeeze Ryan Philipsa onto your show. He’s been making this pouty face for 20 minutes in my office and says he’s not going to eat until he gets on your show.’

JL: ‘Aaaiiight den, hit up my assistant and we’ll lock it down. One.’

5th, he has kids. Imagine if that was your dad. Imagine him trying to teach you how to throw and catch? Can you picture him doing the thing with the football where he holds it sideways, puts it right next to his shoulder, leads with his elbow and shotputs it halfway between you and him then does an awkward laugh? We can picture that and it annoys us.

6th, Who are his boys? Who does he hang out with? Do you think he has guys over to play Halo? What about to screen movies? Like when the Dark Knight comes out on blue ray, who is he calling to watch it on his huge screen? Guaranteed he won’t even watch it because he’s still salty that Heath Ledger got the part and he didn’t even get a call for Dancing with the Stars 6.

Smell you later Ryan Phillippe, you are a D1 All America Bama.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

BCS... Really?

'Yes it's true... this man has no d*ck'.

That's Dan Beebe (not to be confused with Don, or that show Bebe's Kids which tens of people saw).  He's a bagadouche.

Here's what D Beebs and his crew from 'usually over-rated but actually tight this year' Big 12 (note: the Holy Roman Empire should have no impact on collegiate football.  Further, the use of Roman Numerals is awkward in general and is something that overly 'look how smart I am people' use to keep the rest of us down. Use numbers bruh.) did:

They couldn't decide who should play for the Big 12 title game against Missouri.  3 teams, Oklahoma, Texas, and Texas Technical University (note: It's actually just 'Tech'.  Isn't 'tech' an abbreviation for something?  Like, 'he's a tech guy', 'Tek from Real World, 'I'll deploy the Technobots).  So the rich men who are made rich by the BCS, waited for the BCS rankings to come out, and summarily decided that Oklahoma should play in the Conference Championship Game.

Forget the corruption, back-room glad-handing, and millions of dollars changing hands.  This is a gutless move.  This is the conference waiting for someone else to share their opinion, then coming out and saying: 'yes... well, we agreed all along.'  Without gut.  Here are some other gutless actions:

-Lou Diamond Phillips saying that Meg Ryan was dead in 'Courage Under Fire'.  Hard for us to criticize LDP, dude was Chavez in Young Guns, one of our favorite movies ever.  But come on bruh.

-The decision to release Final Fantasy 13 on XBOX 360.  There are XBOX people and there are PS 3 people.  They can hang out and play the other system but it is NOT cool for the signature games to just walk across to the other system.  This isn't 'red rover'.  The FF series is a Playstation series, just the same way that Halo is an XBOX thing.  Oil and water.

-The sensei from Karate Kid finding another karate guy and trying to ruin Daniel-san's life.  The kid won the All-Valley Karate Tournament.  Let it go broseph.

-Andy Reid passing a note to someone else who had to pass it to Donovan Mcnabb.  The note read: 

'Do you think you're benched?

Yes ______


-Lindsay Lohan going lesbian.  Just chicken.

-The people that make those top 100 video countdowns and always disrespect 'Smooth Criminal'.  Never gets talked about.  #1 in our opinion.

-Comedians who say 'Give it up for the ladies!'

-People not from New York who root for the Yankees.

-Networks who get all uppity about their content on youtube.  God forbid people see shows they like.  No I do not think there will be more traffic to because it's the only place you can find NCIS.  Chooch.

-McDonald's for buying Roy Rogers and not keeping all the Roy Rogerses open.  The Frisco Bacon Cheeseburger is the greatest fast food sandwich of all time.  Unacceptable that it's gone.

Who's Got More?

Monday, November 24, 2008

The Vasgersian

It sounds like a deviant sexual maneuver doesn't it?  It's not.  Well, maybe it is.  Maybe someone out there is as weird as we are and figured out what we're about to tell you.  Note: that person needs help.  If you know them, don't turn your back on them.

If you're an NFL fan, you're probably a bit delusional about your team.  You believe they'll pull it out, or bring it in a big game, or even show the world that they are a force to be reckoned with on a Sunday or Monday night.  The reality?  Unless you are a fan of 1 of 3 teams over the past 5 years, you're delusional.  You're squad, in all likelihood, is in the perpetual mediocre cesspool of 'if we win our next 3, and they lose 2 and they lose to one of the teams we beat we can get the #6 seed'.  You need to know the truth NFL fan.  You want to know what the networks are doing to tell you where your team stands?

The networks that cover the games have a hierarchy.  For Fox, it goes like this:

-Buck/Aikman- According to Troy, Joe Buck has never been wrong.  

-Albert/Johnston/Siragusa - The Goose says: 'they didn't even get a hand on him on that play'.  (5 seconds pause because they are worried that Goose will shout something else) Albert says - 'so, the Falcons will try the extra point...'

-Stockton/Baldinger- The Baldinger pinky needs its own horror movie.

-Rosen/Ryan- 'Do you know us?  We just call the game and offer insight.  Sorry we're this low.'

-Pitts/Boselli- Pitts plays tricks on Boselli.  He says things like: 'if you were an expansion team now, what position would you draft first?'

-Brennaman/Billick- 'Trust me Baltimore, I know quarterbacks."

-Vasgersian/JC Pierce: (Fan) 'Who?  Is that the guy from Celebrity Blackjack?'

If you go an entire season without getting a Vasgersian dropped on you, your team is relevant.  But, if you tune in, and you are treated to the melody of Matt Vasgersian and JC 'The Carpenter" Pierce, your team is off the radar.  Sorry Seattle Seahawks and Washington Redskins.  The networks dropped a Vasgersian on you this weekend.  Skins fans, you think you're squad is in the hunt right?  7-4 seems like a good place to be doesn't it?  Well, the good people at Fox are renting a regulation harness, a pulley system, and some high tension wire.  Then they are dropping a hot, sweaty Vasgersian on your chest while you try to sleep.  It's a shock.  Minding your business and then you get smacked in the mouth with a little:

MV: 'Matt Vasgersian and JC Pierce with you for the second half in Seattle.  And JC, the Redskins are moving the ball but they're not scoring a ton of points.'

JC The Carpenter: 'You're absolutely right Matt.  The Redskins just aren't coming away with points.  If you're Jim Zorn, you've got to be concerned about that.'

(cut to Redskins fan standing in his living room staggering like a boxer getting a standing 8 count.  He's holding a beer in his left hand and a chip with some dip in his right hand.  The dip falls to the floor in slow motion as a sad high-voiced song plays like one of those in the movies that mean a character has sacrificed himself to save someone else and they have to let him go.  As the dip hits the carpet, deep drum beat.  The fan casts his gaze to the ground.  He looks back up at the tv with a hollow look of disbelief.  On screen, the referees gather to decide if a player was offside or if there was a false start.  JC says that a false start is 'inexcusable right there'.  The refs determine that it was an off-sides penalty.  Pierce explains why no offensive player should ever false start.  The fan closes his eyes because he now knows the truth.)

NFL football fans beware.  The Vasgersian is lurking.  It could happen at any moment.  Look at your roster, your schedule, and your results this year.  Make an honest assessment.  If you prepare yourself, the shock of a Vasgersian won't be as traumatic.  We can save lives.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

People We Think Are Bamas Part VII

We're a day late and a dollar short on this week's bama post.  Our bad.  We had a thing with a thing and the guy with the thing didn't come through.

Here is this week's bama:

We cannot stand this chooch.  Ugh.  The worst thing that has happened and we mean THE WORST, is that 2 big national writers: Bill Simmons and Peter King, started singing Collinsworth's praises for some reason.  Now this deluxe, grade A bama, is somehow a revered analyst.  How?  Why?

Did you see this poor man's Chris Doehring (obscure white wide receiver reference) on the Olympic coverage?  Actual analysis by Collinsworth in studio with Bob 'The Jockey' Costas:

Collinsworth: 'I mean... being in that water cube... I mean when Michael Phelps got going... it was just incredible.  (semi-laughter and chuckling)  When he took off, it was like 'look out' (semi-chuckling).  And his mom was grabbing my arm (everyone chuckles), I mean I thought she wouldn't let go.  She was like a pit bull... she's going nuts.  Everyone there is just going crazy for this guy.  It was something special.'

Really?  This guy is your analyst?  We would rather have had anyone else sitting in that chair talking about how special it was.  Literally, pick anyone.  Oh, so you think that the greatest swimmer of all time setting world records and winning 8 Olympic gold medals was special?  When were you made the mayor of Observation Town?  

NBC planted this bama in the stands to stand near Phelps' mom.  He displaced one of the hot and also jacked sisters.  That's not cool.  You bama come lately.  They've been rooting for this dude since he was a lanky lisp from B-more who was all tawkward (tall and awkward).  Now here comes one of the 13 worst professional wide receivers of all time after he wins 7 gold medals?  Please.  Don't touch me Collinsworth, I'm afraid you'll drop me and have that dumb smile afterward to play it off like you aren't a huge reason your team hasn't sniffed the playoffs in 47 years.

As an NFL analyst, he's just a guy.  He says everything in this condescending 'uh, actually, here's the real story' tone.  Like he's doing us a favor by opening his mouth.  Don't do that half smile you chooch.  Just don't.  When he's in studio, he also kind of leans back and and turns his head in an annoying way.  It's the same thing that someone does when they want to make a point calling out your point as factually inaccurate but they don't want to hurt your feelings.  He's such a bagadouche.  He also over-uses 'I mean' which annoys us.

Quotes that we can recall:

'I mean, that division is wide open right now.  I don't know who's gonna come out of there.'

So you don't know who's going to win the NFC north when every team is around .500?  How about some reasons why one team will or won't?  No thanks, just be the good old boy and make that 'I'm in a living room talking to a football novice who doesn't know the difference between divisions and conferences'.  Ass.

'I just don't know about them right now.  You've gotta think, what are they gonna do going forward?'

So the Oakland Raiders are a mess?  What?  Did anyone hear about this?  Apparently, they have had some organizational dysfunction of late.  No clue.  You are both Woodward and Bernstein.  Ass.

'I watched the tape... I mean... Right now, he's pretty impressive.'

So you sir, are espousing, in so many words, that Adrian Peterson is a good running back?  I'm not sure how anyone has ever gotten through an NFL game without your expertise.

'It's gonna be interesting.  You've got Brett Favre... playing in this game... against Matt Cassell and the Patriots.  Anything can happen.'

Sir, your analysis has dazzled the masses yet again.  Not only have you set the matchup for us, you have delved into the infinite nature of the space-time continuum.  Your assertion that no one can truly predict the outcome of future events with any certainty, is proof positive of your taught control of the principles of conditional logic, as well as your firm grasp of the futility of man attempting to harness his own destiny.  Plus, your mastery of the interpersonal dynamics of opposing quarterbacks is spot on.  By simply naming the participants, you have more than set the stage sir.  You have brought up the house lights and focused the enraptured audience on the fact that these combatants will indeed participate in said contest.  Ass.

This dude sucks.  People need to realize that.  He is a bama because he was terrible at football and his semi-chuckle would get him punched in 47% of bars nationwide.  Shutup bruh.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Otherwise... You Make a Move

Here at Gus Johnson's Whisper, we love to analyze things.  Here is something that has needed analyzing for many years.  The following is a transcript of the conversation between Tony Montana and Alejandro Sosa.  This is the part where Sosa questions if Tony is trustworthy and Tony's response:

Sosa: So how do I know

you're not a chivato, too, Tony?


Tony: Let's get this straight now.


I never fucked anybody over in my life

who didn't have it coming. You got that?


All I have in this world is my balls

and my word and I don't break them...                   

...for no one, you understand?


That piece of shit up there,

I never like him, I never trusted him.


For all I know, he had me set up and

had my friend, Angel Fernandez, killed.


But that's history. I'm here, he's not.


You want to go on with me, say it.

You don't, then you make a move.

We tried to find a clip of that to give you a visual but we couldn't.  You all know what we're talking about though.  Tony is standing on Sosa's property, surrounded by armed guards, no allies for hundreds of miles, and no chance of escape.  He offered Sosa a choice: 

Option 1: If it is your desire to do business with me, I am amenable to this.  I only ask that you voice this desire at this time.

Option 2: If you do not wish to conduct business with me for any reason, not only do I understand, but I ask that you initiate an action that will undoubtedly result in my death.

Sosa, of course, chose option 1 and the movie goes on.  But what if he had chosen option 2?  What does Tony Montana do right there?  The breakdown:

-Tony tries to take Sosa hostage and make an escape.

Why it could work: Sosa is the boss and has tons of power.  He could order his small army to stand down; figuring that he could take Tony and everyone he has ever cared for out later.  So he might let Tony get out of there and get back home to Miami.

Why it wouldn't work: Tony presumably has no weapon.  How is he going to take Sosa hostage?  With awesomeness?  You can't take a guy in a choke hold for hundreds of miles without something going wrong.  Even a dude that was a master at choke holds like the semi-famous 'Choke Hold Jones' that used to roam the streets of Boulder, CO offering choke hold demonstrations to choke hold fans and novices who weren't really sure about their feelings on choke holds and they would need a choke hold demonstration from a choke hold master to render a verdict.  Tony Montana, for all that he was, was not Choke Hold Jones.

-Tony tries to knock Sosa out then hide in the surrounding jungle

Why it could work: Tony sucker punches Sosa and knocks him out.  If none of the guard army sees this, he can run through the vast cocaine fields and off of Sosa's property and into the jungle.  Maybe he lives off the land for a while because he was in the army in Cuba and changes his appearance.  Maybe he can smuggle himself into the US and start again by explaining to Frank Lopez that not only is Omar Suarez dead, but Sosa turned down a business proposition and opted to have me murdered...

Why it wouldn't work: Huge 'if' on the guards not seeing him and Tony making it off the property, huge!  But say that he does get by them, makes his way through the vast fields of ye-yo (is that how you spell that?  Whatever.), and then hides out in the jungle.  Tony is a big city guy, Havana and then Miami.  He's not a hobbit who lives off the land.  Are you calling Tony Montana a hobbit?  Because he is not.  He is a political prisoner from Cuba and he wants his basic human rights... not hobbit rights.

-Tony backs off his previous hardline stance and offers another alternative

Why it could work: The idea that one has to do business with someone or murder them in cold blood seems a bit extreme no?  'Sir, would you like to purchase these goods?... No?  Very well.  I will now stab your neck with my shank.'  Bit extreme.  So Tony might have been able to reason with Sosa.

Why it wouldn't work: Come on bruh.  This is not an option.  How can Tony roll like that?  It would be like him saying: 'All I have in this world are my balls and my word... unless that's not cool with you.  Let's work it out Mr. Sosa.  What's it gonna take for me to get you in a new Chevy Aveo today?'  No chance.

In conclusion, the ballsiness of of saying 'do business with me or murder me' is the opposite of buying a Chevy Aveo.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

People We Think Are Bamas Part VI

It’s Friday. It means it’s time for another edition of People We Think Are Bamas. This week’s bama: Mario Lopez.


Are you a Time or Newsweek guy? Are you a Democrat or Republican? Coke or Pepsi? Zelda or Mario? Xbox or Playstation? Zack or Slater? 

You can only be one. And during the Saved By the Bell years, you were either a Zack guy or a Slater guy. We were Slater guys. Zack annoyed the beans out of us. He was touching Kelly Kapowlski more often than Slater but it didn’t matter.  Albert Clifford was tighter.  He was a better athlete than Zack and this is a sports blog.  Zack was only randomly good at basketball for one episode and he tweaked his knee and couldn't play hurt.  Why don't you stop time and take some of the mousse out of your dew their broheim?  What's that NYPD Blue?  Why don't you get a 1502 on your SAT's by sitting next to Christine Taylor before she starred on 'Hey Dude' on Nickelodeon and get out of our faces?  Anyway, we liked Slater. 

Now?  He is a complete bama. He blows lines. He cheated on his fiancĂ© Ali Landry. Wazzupwiddat? Yeah, Ali Landry. Look it up. He hosted dumb shows. Miss America. Pet Star on Animal Planet. 

What annoys us most about him? Well, there’s the whole cheating thing. Like, he wants to make it cool that he cheated on an awesome girl whose life he ruined. Like “Ha, ha. Yeah, I cheated on her. It was incredible.” Come on, man. Take a bath in a flaming lava pit. Assassinate yourself with a crossbow. 

But this is what makes him a total bama: he tries to be all pseudo hip hop now with that MTV America’s Best Dance Troup or Group or whatever show. “AHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhh Yeeeeeeeeeeaaaaah, make some noizzzzzzzzzzzzeeeee for my booyyyyyyyyyyz the Jaberwockeeeeeeeeezzzzz.” Don’t be all hip hop Mario. Respect yourself before you wriggidy wreck yourself, AC. 

We don’t know why this annoys us so much but it does. Just don’t be all hip hop if you aren’t.  Here's the thing, if he was always all hip-hop, then that's his deal and we can get annoyed for other reasons.  But you know what?  He was one of the dudes on the male version of 'The View'.  You cannot be a sensa-male on daytime then go hip-hop style on MTV asking the Boogie Bots to step up and represent their hood.

And the rampant blowing of lines is so annoying too. You know the terrible dudes you meet at parties who like really want you to know they blow lines without actually saying “I blow lines because I went from wanting a quick high to not being able to deal in any social situation involving more than one person other than myself”? They have this sort of smile and over-the-top firm handshake that makes them fart because they press so hard. You all know who I’m talking about? This is Mario Lopez. When he gets up on his show, that poop-eating smile he gives you says, “I’m out here right now all wholesome and semi-hip-hop, but when we go to commercial, I’m going to snort one down, neck with the underwhelming production assistant, touch the sides of my awkward hair down, snort another one down, grab my junk, and then come back out in under 60 seconds. And you’ll still think I’m the good hip-hop.”

Ugh, just thinking about him sickens us. We’re out. 

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

The Bureau of Fan Intervention

Enough is enough.  We're over here watching these absurd baseball trades going down.  There are more coming.  We also sit by while NBA teams make horrible trades to 'clear cap space'.  

'OK... so we'll give you Marcus Camby for those really cool shoes you had on when we met in Phoenix and that recipe for caramel brownies... I know, caramel is so delicious but no one ever mentions it! ...  Anyway, enjoy Marcus for nothing in return.  I'm gonna go back and figure out a way to word the increase in parking costs so it sounds less menacing.'

Since Pres-elect Obama is going to come strong with the power of the government, Gus Johnson's Whisper wants to create 'The Bureau of Fan Intervention'.

Here's how it works:

-A bi-partisan group of neutral sports fans and astute members of the fan base (you can't have haters on there.  Like, if we were on the BFI for the Cowboys, we'd sabotage the team... wait, maybe we'd just let them run it like they are?  Tough to say... you get the point).  We're thinking 9 people.  The fans of a team must answer questionnaires and score highly on all categories that would include: general knowledge of the sport, team history, current make-up, league trends, and depending on the sport, must be able to throw a football through a tire from 20 yards, hit a baseball out of the infield, make a free throw.  We don't want a bunch of Costases running around.

-The group would convene several times per year, right before the trading deadline, before the draft, and constantly through free agency.  Both future moves and past moves of the current regime would be analyzed.

-Major team decisions are put on trial.  If a GM/management team can show good cause, the move passes.  If not, besides not allowing the move, fans that have been priced out receive discounted tickets for (10 home games in baseball, 5 in basketball, and 1 non-preseason game in the NFL).

-Any move where 'cash considerations' are involved is summarily dismissed.

-Any series of moves, like the Padres past (and current!) fire sale, result in an immediate forfeit of the team by the ownership.  The panel will then determine if the GM was hamstrung or complicit in the decisions.  If he was in on it, he will be fired and then be forced to purchase season tickets in the 'club level' and watch every home game from said seats where he will wear a sign on his back that says 'I created this mess.  I was the GM when the decisions were made'.

-Not all teams have to try to win every year.  If some semblance of a plan can be demonstrated, the moves will be allowed to pass.  Sometimes plans don't work out.  Sometimes you swing and miss.

-Any trade where a star is traded for an aging player who is more of a name (think Shaq for Sean Marion), will require the franchise to give front row seats to people with IQ's below 80 who are excited because they recognize the name of the aging star and are not capable of perceiving his drop in production.

-Any time an organization wants to not acquire a star because they over-inflate the value of their own prospects (think yankees ball-washing the likes of Phillip Hughes instead of dealing him for JOHAN SANTANA!), said prospects must be introduced before every home game as 'here's the guy we wouldn't trade for ____'.

-Any time a team sells off a draft pick because they don't want to pay them, every fan who attends a home game for the 1st half of the season gets to take 5 jumpers/warm-up pitches/field goal attempts on the field/court while the home team is warming up.  This will fill the void of the player that should have been (think phoenix suns selling 1st round draft picks every year)

-If a team bids against itself and overpays a player, each owner must give the exact amount of the overbid to a local charity.  If there is that much cash around, you need better outlets.  (think Gilbert Arenas and the Wizards)

-If there is a shady move, a cheap-a$$ move, or other shenanigans (think again of the Wizards keeping Etan Thomas on the active roster all last year after he had OPEN HEART SURGERY so the team was always a man short instead of paying another FA to come in and take the roster spot).  A fan, determined by a lottery before every game, will get to dress with the team and go through pre-game warm-ups.  If the game is out of reach as determined by a pre-determined set of rules, said fan will be allowed on the field of play and take whatever position he wants.  Example, We'd never let the opposing QB kneel down.  Ever.  We'd line up at nose guard and declare: 'are you going to kneel down?'  if they answered yes, we'd just kick the ball away from the center.  After it was returned, we'd ask again.  Repeat.  Until the answer is no.  Too many fantasy matchups for wasted plays.

Thems the rules.  We welcome suggestions before we take our bi-laws to the various league offices.

Monday, November 10, 2008

Bond, James Bond

We're just past the halfway point in the National Football League season (note: it's now awkward to say the NFL these days because announcers and studio guys always say the full title.  Terrible development.).  Also, the new Bond movie looks game-tight.

You know what's coming don't you?  You should.  

NFL teams as Bond movies.

-'Dr. No': The Carolina Panthers.  They are 7-2.  Everyone is forgetting about them like people forget about the original Bond film.  If you can't see the 'Honey Rider'/Jake Delhomme parallel then I guess there's no real way to talk to you about this issue and you should go fill out more coloring books between the lines.

-'Tomorrow Never Dies': The 49ers, Lions, Raiders, and Bengals.  The worst Bond movie ever made for the 4 worst teams of our lifetime.  They killed off Teri Hatcher in her 'Lois and Clark/They're Real and They're Spectacular' prime in 8 minutes.  It's about decisions people.

-"From Russia With Love": The New Orleans Saints.  1st, we're sure that Goodell is going to have them play another game abroad next year, probably Russia.  2nd, they play like communists.  

-"Die Another Day": The New York Giants.  Instead of a Super Bowl hangover, they keep playing well, winning, and staving off the letdown that we keep predicting.  We didn't really like this movie either.  It had all these amazing elements but something didn't feel right about it.  Like, Halle Barry is in it.  She's so hot!  So why wasn't the movie incredible?  We think maybe it's because Eli Manning is the giant magnifying glass weapon that focuses the sun's rays on stuff and melts it but can still be outrun by a really fast jet car thing on ice.

-'License to Kill': The Tennessee Titans.  This movie was nasty.  Like, good nasty.  Bond resigns from MI-6, and goes out to avenge his boy Felix Leiter.  He brings it.  Never stopping and doing his thing, his way.  Sounds like a team that smacks mouths, bucks NFL trends, and is terrifying to play against to us.  Also, is awkward like Timothy Dalton.  'Hi... I'm just keeping the seat warm for the next guy... but is it cool if I over-achieve and irritate the naysayers real quick?'

-'The Man With the Golden Gun': Denver Broncos.  Did you hear how Jay Cutler said that his arm was as strong as John Elway's?  You mean the guy with the greatest QB arm of all time right?  The guy that threw 96 MPH and was a 1st round NFL draft pick?  Ballsy bruh.  Also, Christopher Lee is an incredible assassin in this movie.  We think Shannahan is the equivalent for fantasy teams.

'You Only Live Twice': Dallas Cowboys.  Bond, a Japanese chick named Kissy Suzuki, and a whole bunch of ninjas storm an inactive volcano.  Bond uses a remote control helicopter.  This sounds like a child's imagination of what makes a good team.  'And then... TO, and then Roy Williams, and then the Pacman Guy, and then the Tank guy, and then the Romo and some ninjas... oh can my remote control copter go on the field and shoot the defense!?!?!?!?'

'Octopussy': New England Patriots.  It's usually the first movie people think of when they name a Bond film.  Similarly, every football writer is required to name the New England Patriots in every column.  Each mention must include their 'brilliant draft strategy', astute free agent decisions and blah blah blah.  In the film, you've got Roger Moore... and tons of hot chicks.  It's hard for it not to be good.  For the Pats, you had Tom Brady and a great defense.  Again, hard not to be good.

'Casino Royale': Atlanta Falcons.  Bond went away for a bit.  The last one wasn't all it was cracked up to be.  Enter a new dude.  How is he going to be?  How about awesome?  Does that work for you if the guy they picked is awesome?  Do you like that fan base?  Matt Ryan is the Daniel Craig of the NFL.  Impressive like our 9-1 fantasy football squad.  We don't think Pierce Brosnan stages dog fights.

Anybody got some others?

Thursday, November 6, 2008

People We Think Are Bamas Part V

It's Friday, you know what that means.  Here's our 5th installment of 'People We Think Are Bamas'.

Since history was made this week, we decided to go back in history to find this week's bama.

When lots of people hear the word 'bama', they think of this dude... or dudes like him.  This is the kind of dude that makes you go 'REALLY?'

Governor and professional bigot, George Wallace.  This is one of the worst dudes we've ever had.  Listen, we get that he was who he was in a different time.  We also get that we can look back at him with our 21st century values and it's easy to judge him; the same way people will judge us 50 years from now.  Whatever bruh.

Let old Gus Johnson's Whisper ask you a question.  What if we told you that there was a charismatic guy during a tumultuous time who ran on the simple platform of blaming a disadvantaged group of people for all of society's ills?  You'd go, 'whoa... sounds like Hitler.'  Yeah it does doesn't it... George Wallace you sweaty bigot.  This moose-knuckle ran on the platform of 'segregation... and also segregation'.  His most famous address, once elected governor, was written by a member of the trips K... who was also his cousin.  Don't you love history?

Know what we love?  Make-believe.  That bama died in 1998.  We wish we could wake him up, tape his eyelids open, and make him watch a 24-hour loop of gay men getting married and Barack Obama's address to the world after winning the election.

OK, back to why Wallace was a bama.  Now, we all know dude was racist.  That just makes him a racist.  What makes him a bama was that he acted like a little kid who didn't like the pick-up game so he tried to take his ball and go home.

Kennedy goes: 'Hey broseph... I'm thinking that human beings should just go ahead and go to school in the same place.'

Wallace response: 'Nah ah'.

Kennedy: 'Yeah... I'm gonna go ahead and kind of insist that we do that.'

Wallace response: 'Nah-ah'

Kennedy: 'Why are you making this weird?  Listen, Jackie Robinson broke into the bigs 16 years ago man.  We're talking about a school. So...'

Wallace: 'NO!  You're a meanie!'

Kennedy: 'George!  George!  You will not hold your breath until you turn blue again!  You get down from there this instant!  I will call the national guard!'

Wallace: 'You're a national guard!'

Kennedy: 'You're not even making sense now.'

Wallace: (crying) 'I hate you!  I hate you and I want to go home!'

Kennedy: 'George!  George!  I will count to 3...'

Cut to Wallace's speech in front of the school.

(Wallace whispers to someone near the stage.) GW: 'Hey, who are those red guys we don't like right now?'

(Guy whispers back) 'Uhhh tha' comm-yoon-ists?'

GW: 'Thanks'

(Wallace addresses crowd)

"The president wants us to surrender this state to Martin Luther King and his group of pro-communists who have instituted these demonstrations." 

Yup, he said that outloud.  F that dude and the horse he rode in on.  By the way, guaranteed that dude rode a horse.  We're not looking that up or anything, but didn't W the Rigot (racist bigot wombo) seem like the kind of dude who rode horses?  His horses had names like 'Hester' but because he was dumb and all southern he pronounced it 'Hess-tuh'.

In closing, Gus Johnson's Whisper is awfully proud to live here these days.  We wish it wasn't as big a deal as it is; we wish it was just an election but we all know it wasn't.  We're grateful that bamas like George Wallace lost.

Nothing Better Than This...

Gus Johnson's Whisper always recognizes genius.  It's why we named our blog after a genius.

Anyway, we have not seen something funnier than this ever.  Well done.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Don't Believe The Hype

On the Today Show... today, they had a political expert on who said that if Obama is elected president, he'll have to spend a good deal of time and effort managing the enormous expectations that his candidacy has created.  Basically, he'll have to say 'relax bruh' to America.  We've seen this kind of hype before... in sports.  How about some of these:

-Harold Miner: The next Jordan/Baby Jordan.  Blah blah blah.

Remember that time when Harold Miner was out of the league after 4 years?  We do.  He may not have played defense, but at least he couldn't shoot.

-Ben McDonald: unless you grew up an Orioles fan (which we did), you can't possibly know the extent of the hype this guy got.  This was to be the Orioles' answer to Roger Clemens.  A workhorse who would win 20 games a year, strike out 300, pitch for 15 years, retire and open a restaurant in the area that everyone would go to and remember the time he pitched in the World Series and struck out 46 batters in 9 innings.  That's not quite how it turned out.

-Todd Van Poppel: we couldn't find a picture of him because A's fans deleted them all from the internet.  

-Brian Bosworth and Tony Mandarich: they are always on these kinds of lists.  Everyone knows about them and they should know about them.  What do they have in common?  Mullets in their primes.  Let that be a lesson to you kids, you can do steroids all day and twice on Sundays but you cannot get away with having a mullet.  

-Joe Smith: While he's still in the NBA and has carved out a nice career for himself, the dude went #1 over all.  Everyone, yes everyone, thought he was going to be a monster.  11 and 7 for your career is not a monster... unless it's the dreaded 11 and 7 monster that is always threatening peaceful villages and stealing chickens from the coop.  Is it coop or coup?  Anyone know?

-Akili Smith: Ha!  Right in your mouthpiece Bengal fans.

-The Sega Dreamcast: No one made games for it.  They thought it would beat the Playstation and change the world.  It did except for the exact opposite.

-Lamb: It's like this super gourmet meat that is really expensive and it's supposed to be really exciting when it's on the menu.  1) No where near as good as steak  2) Weird texture to the meat  3) You've always got to deal with so much bone.  Why is their so much bone?

-Peter Warrick: People don't tend to think of him when they... well they just don't think of him.  We saw him in college so many times and anointed him the next greatest thing in the NFL.  Still, to this day, Gus Johnson's Whisper has no idea how that guy isn't a unique NFL weapon.

-Foreign NBA players not named Dirk Nowitzki or Pau: Think about this collection of dudes that were drafted high and are just guys on a roster: Bargnani, Ji, Darko, Danilo, Primoz Brezec, a dude named Tsakalides and more.

-Herschel Walker bobsledding: Do not tell me how many push ups and sit ups a guy does per day and finish out of the medals.  7th place does not butter the biscuit.

Also, why does no one talk about how weird it is that a super-jacked balck dude has the same name as the yiddish guy that runs the incredible deli around the corner from my apartment?

Thursday, October 30, 2008

People We Think Are Bamas Part IV

Without delay, here is this week's PWTAB.

This week's bama: Dudes that Review Bands for Rock Magzines (DRBRMs)

Hey guy, what did you study in school?  Music Theory?  Oh, you didn't?  You went to journalism school and went to concerts and wrote about them for your school paper which came out once a week and like 4 people took seriously but most of the students just turned to the joke page where the faculty advisor would allow anything because he was all overly liberal and thought that free expression entailed a cartoon of the dean doing a beer bong hit with his pants around his ankles peeing on an alumni parade before a football game?

You're a bama bruh.  

'The album's first track desperately seeks some grounding in the synthetic pop of the hey-day of the genre but has an unkeptness that debilitates its' introspective and poignant lyrics.  The intense marksmanship of the haunting bass line provides a melodrama into the transience of the band's core epistemological quest at self discovery but sadly falls short of the grand decoverte.'

The first song has decent lyrics but isn't that good.  Wow.  You herb.  Who does that?  Seriously?  Hey maybe if I overly complicate my snooty prose, I'll get taken seriously even though there is a 90% chance I'm a failed musician that will sit around and talk seriously with my other bama chums (note: bamas have chums) about the insipid nature of the music industry and whine about the lack of great bands these days?

Hi, I'm part of the problem, nice to meet you too.  What's that?  Yeah, I am that guy that writes those snarky reviews of bands in magazines that 8 people read.  What's that?  No I know you can't judge art and as much as I like or dislike something I know there are just as many people out there who feel the exact opposite... no I know that makes me a bagadouche.

So, did you dig the article?

We sure did bama.  Talk to you never.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

I'm... Ron... Burgundy?

It's Anchorman!  Not Anchorlady!  Here at Gus Johnon's Whisper, we were thinking about the NBA season.  We were also watching Anchorman.  The following is an NBA preview based on Anchorman quotes.  We know, it is genius.

"I'm not sure but apparently you just run for an extended period of time. It's supposed to be wild." - The New York Knicks.  Mike D'A'N't'ioni brings the running game to New York.  He took the extra $5 mil to coach a team that fits his style like a size 2 fits a chick in the 'before picture'.  Maybe the J is soft Eddy Curry... maybe the j is soft.  

"We've been coming to this same party for 13 years.  And in no way is that depressing." - The Spurs.  OH MY GOD we are so sick of this team.  If we have to watch them on national TV and we see the Tim Duncan 'you whistled me for a foul? MEEEEE?' face one more time, we're just gonna spit.

"take it easy, Champ. Why don't you sit this next one out, stop talking for a while." - The Washington Wizards.  Here's the thinking: Outbid yourself by 30 million to sign popular star with knee issues, barely make playoffs amid constant 'are they better without him?' talk, lose in 1st round.  Repeat.

"I'm in a glass case of emotion!' - The Boston Celtics.  Hey did you know that Kevin Garnett is competitive?  It slipped right past me when every single analyst talked about it the David Stern mandated 4.2 times per 10 minutes.  Also, Paul Pierce cried last night when they raised the banner.  

"Great Oden's Raven" - The Portland Trail Blazers.  Today's little news blurb next to Greg Oden on my fantasy roster: 'Oden to have MRI'.  No one saw that coming.

"Milk was a poor choice" - The Minnesota Timerbwolves.  We're trying to start a movement to call Kevin Love 'Milk'.  It's because he's chalky white and tough to digest for some people.  Help spread the word.

"Guess what, I do. I know that one day Veronica and I are gonna to get married on top of a mountain, and there's going to be flutes playing and trombones and flowers and garlands of fresh herbs. And we will dance till the sun rises. And then our children will form a family band. And we will tour the countryside and you won't be invited." - The Phoenix Suns.  Very quietly, the Suns are a terrible organization.  They are competitive every year so we don't notice them fleecing their fans by selling draft picks to save $ that could have helped them get over the hump.  The 'Shaquisition' last year ranks among the more delusional moves moves in the history of sport.

"I wanna say something. I'm gonna put it out there; if you like it, you can take it, if you don't, send it right back. I want to be on you." - The Philadelphia 76ers.  Everyone is making this their 'team to watch' pick.  Let us know when Andre Miller and Samue Dalembert are ready to be key guys on a championship team.  6 seed.  Thanks for stopping by.

"Discovered by the Germans in 1904, they named it Sand Diego... which is of course German for a 'whale's vagina" - The Sacramento Kings.  Sacramento is a German word for 'who the f*%* is John Salmons?'

"Well I could be wrong, but I believe diversity is an old, old wooden ship used during the Civil War Era."  - The Indiana Pacers.  Once TJ Ford gets hurt, you've got Travis Deiner, Mike Dunleavy, Troy Murphy, Rasho Nesterovic, and Danny Granger.  That is diversity right there.

"The human torch was denied a bank loan."  - The Houston Rockets.  Ron Artest is the human torch.  He was also recently denied a loan according to our sources.

"I pooped a cornish game hen." - The Memphis Grizzlies.  All 87 fans in attendance get a Marc Gasol beard blanket.

"I'm proud of you fellas. You all kept your head on a swivel, and that's what you gotta do when you find yourself in a vicious cock fight." - Charlotte Bobcats.  We're calling any time Larry Brown takes a job that he's going to hate 'a cock fight'.

"Mmmmm... I look good. I mean really good. Hey everyone come see how good I look." - Los Angeles Lakers.  It looks good on paper.  Let me ask you this, would you be ready to bet on them with the ongoing Odom contract year/not enough touches for everyone subplot?  This could be like an NBA cowboys situation.  Then again, they might just win 65 games and roll over everyone.

**** Some people pointed this out to us and we just looked it up... and we're idiots. Bill Simmons did a great version of this in 2005 for a column about NBA Summer Moves. Here it is: His was totally first, and actually well written. Apologies to the Sports Guy and thanks to those that let us know.*****