Thursday, October 30, 2008
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Here's the World Series of 'crossover' video games: Rock Band vs. Guitar Hero.
Monday, October 20, 2008
The Rays are going to the World Series. Say that outloud. Now try and picture yourself 2 years ago in the Spring. Maybe you're wearing shorts, maybe not. Regardless, picture watching that horrendous, 61 win, AAAA squadron. Think about how, in 2 years, this team would be playing for the World Series in the same division as Goliath and the other Goliath with a New England accent. It doesn't seem possible.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Every Friday, here at Gus Johnson's Whisper, we are running a regular feature called 'People We Think Are Bamas'. For an explanation and some background, check out the original post.
Welcome back to our Friday “People We think Are Bamas” column. It’s been another lousy week for life in general. The stock market sucks. People continue to work themselves into a frenzy over the non-existant crisis. I work from home like an Avon saleswoman (“Hi, we got some really nice eyeliner and lip gloss for y'all…wanna have a party?”).
This week’s bama is Colin Farrell. I had to spell check his last name. Does it have one “r” and two “l”s or two “r”s and one “l”? Turns out his last name contains two “r”s and two “l”s. Pissed me off. Also, in the ultimate monkey wrench, his last name has an “a”, not an “e” to start.
Why is he a bama? This question is like asking, “Why did Kevin want to touch Winnie Cooper?” Because she was hot. But that is not why Colin Farrell is a bama. He is a bama for singlehandedly ruining one of gusjohnsonswhispers’ favorite people in history of all time: Alexander the Great.
We looked forward to the movie “Alexander” like a college senior looking forward to asking a college freshman at a bar: “You ready to get out of here?” Hopes of an epic moment. We saw previews and tight one-liners. Instead, we got Jared Leto constantly saying over and over “Alexander” except he said it in a weird pseudo British-Baltimorean accent that sounded like “Alekzonder”. And we can’t get the image of Farrell’s bare white a$$ out of our heads after his sesh with Rosario Dawson. Rosario, do us a favor, hon, when Colin Farrell comes at you, please pull the covers up over his naked body. You’re embarrassing yourself out there.
This is how they depict arguably the greatest leader in history? Always crying and kissing Jared Leto on the mouth? Come on. He conquered whatever he wanted. I repeat: he conquered whatever he wanted. Hey Alexander, what do you want to conquer today? I think I’ll conquer Texas…and he did. And he left the locals to govern. Bam. No one does that anymore. Nowadays, it's all: 'I conquer you and I'll leave some guys here to do it like I do it back where I'm cool.'
The only great scene in the movie is when Alexander’s super game tight horse Bucephalus dies. I came close to tears. BUT THAT DOESN’T EXCUSE COLIN FARRELL. Another reason he is a bama is he always wears that fake-me-out rasta knit cap just above his hairline so it looks like it is about to fall off…but it always stays on…always. The deliberate non-deliberateness of that look makes me sick. Also, S.W.A.T. was terrible.
It’s like how Bill Belichick wears the sweatshirt with the cut off sleeves to be all like “What!” but that means he sits in his office before the game with the hooded sweaty and scissors cutting off the sleeves. “Hey Coach, I was wondering…” “Just a minute, I have to finish cutting off this one last sleeve and I’ll be right with you. Also, can you grab an oven mit and take the cookies out?Remember, they need to sit for 10 minutes before you put your little hands on them…I made snicker doodles. Tell Adalius and Richard I’ll be there in one hot minute.”
See you next week.
Monday, October 13, 2008
Friday, October 10, 2008
Every Friday at Gus Johnson's Whisper, we'll have something special. It's a recurring piece called: 'People We Think Are Bamas'. Installment 1... Now:
Welcome to our regular Friday short piece: People We Think Are Bamas. What’s a Bama you ask? No, it’s not an Alabama football fan. Well, it might be, but not for these purposes. A bama is a DC slang term for a Larry, a Herb, a Chucklehead, a mamaluke, a sustenad, a chooch, or a dumbface. It’s the guy who thinks he’s cool but isn’t at all but some people think he is, which usually makes them bamas too.
For the eight people who were born and raised and still live in Washington, DC, you know what I’m talking about. You know exactly what a bama is. One way to think of who is a bama is by recognizing someone who is not a bama. John Stamos…not a bama. He was on a tight sitcom, he divorced Rebecca Romijn but everyone still thinks she’s Rebecca Romijn Stamos, he is on ER now, and he stabs more a$$ than a pig farmer.
For our “People I think Are Bamas” column, we want you to know these are not necessarily the people who made news, or people the bamas on the Best Damn Sports Show Period think are bamas. These are people we don’t like much like, in the same way that Godzilla doesn’t like Mothra (I, too, hate Mothra).
This week’s bamas are none other than: House and Vijay Singh. House is the dude from the “new, crazy and edgy” doctor show. He walks around with a wack cane (note, all canes that don’t have secret swords in them are wack) and doles out zingers. I have never watched this show. Ever. All I see are the promos for it. They usually go something like this:
Person: “But House, he could die if you go forward with that radical, never-tested procedure.”
House: “Yeah. He probably will die. But wouldn’t that be cooooo-oooooool.”
He also is like Australian or German or something and fakes an American accent. Annoys me. If he’s German, he should talk German. Also, sometimes I want to tear off that fake goatee off his face.
Vijay Singh is self-explanatory. He all pretends to be as tight as Tiger Woods but then when he loses he gets all mad and angry and pretends he doesn’t know you. I hate his visor. I want his visor to burn so we can all see what his hair looks like. What does your hair look like, Vijay? No one knows. Also, I feel like he is too tall.
Those are this week's bamas. Join us next week, for People We Think Are Bamas. Don’t hesitate to send us people we should consider.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Here at Gus Johnson's Whisper we try not to judge. (pause...) Wait, yes we do!