Tuesday, November 11, 2008

The Bureau of Fan Intervention

Enough is enough.  We're over here watching these absurd baseball trades going down.  There are more coming.  We also sit by while NBA teams make horrible trades to 'clear cap space'.  

'OK... so we'll give you Marcus Camby for those really cool shoes you had on when we met in Phoenix and that recipe for caramel brownies... I know, caramel is so delicious but no one ever mentions it! ...  Anyway, enjoy Marcus for nothing in return.  I'm gonna go back and figure out a way to word the increase in parking costs so it sounds less menacing.'

Since Pres-elect Obama is going to come strong with the power of the government, Gus Johnson's Whisper wants to create 'The Bureau of Fan Intervention'.

Here's how it works:

-A bi-partisan group of neutral sports fans and astute members of the fan base (you can't have haters on there.  Like, if we were on the BFI for the Cowboys, we'd sabotage the team... wait, maybe we'd just let them run it like they are?  Tough to say... you get the point).  We're thinking 9 people.  The fans of a team must answer questionnaires and score highly on all categories that would include: general knowledge of the sport, team history, current make-up, league trends, and depending on the sport, must be able to throw a football through a tire from 20 yards, hit a baseball out of the infield, make a free throw.  We don't want a bunch of Costases running around.

-The group would convene several times per year, right before the trading deadline, before the draft, and constantly through free agency.  Both future moves and past moves of the current regime would be analyzed.

-Major team decisions are put on trial.  If a GM/management team can show good cause, the move passes.  If not, besides not allowing the move, fans that have been priced out receive discounted tickets for (10 home games in baseball, 5 in basketball, and 1 non-preseason game in the NFL).

-Any move where 'cash considerations' are involved is summarily dismissed.

-Any series of moves, like the Padres past (and current!) fire sale, result in an immediate forfeit of the team by the ownership.  The panel will then determine if the GM was hamstrung or complicit in the decisions.  If he was in on it, he will be fired and then be forced to purchase season tickets in the 'club level' and watch every home game from said seats where he will wear a sign on his back that says 'I created this mess.  I was the GM when the decisions were made'.

-Not all teams have to try to win every year.  If some semblance of a plan can be demonstrated, the moves will be allowed to pass.  Sometimes plans don't work out.  Sometimes you swing and miss.

-Any trade where a star is traded for an aging player who is more of a name (think Shaq for Sean Marion), will require the franchise to give front row seats to people with IQ's below 80 who are excited because they recognize the name of the aging star and are not capable of perceiving his drop in production.

-Any time an organization wants to not acquire a star because they over-inflate the value of their own prospects (think yankees ball-washing the likes of Phillip Hughes instead of dealing him for JOHAN SANTANA!), said prospects must be introduced before every home game as 'here's the guy we wouldn't trade for ____'.

-Any time a team sells off a draft pick because they don't want to pay them, every fan who attends a home game for the 1st half of the season gets to take 5 jumpers/warm-up pitches/field goal attempts on the field/court while the home team is warming up.  This will fill the void of the player that should have been (think phoenix suns selling 1st round draft picks every year)

-If a team bids against itself and overpays a player, each owner must give the exact amount of the overbid to a local charity.  If there is that much cash around, you need better outlets.  (think Gilbert Arenas and the Wizards)

-If there is a shady move, a cheap-a$$ move, or other shenanigans (think again of the Wizards keeping Etan Thomas on the active roster all last year after he had OPEN HEART SURGERY so the team was always a man short instead of paying another FA to come in and take the roster spot).  A fan, determined by a lottery before every game, will get to dress with the team and go through pre-game warm-ups.  If the game is out of reach as determined by a pre-determined set of rules, said fan will be allowed on the field of play and take whatever position he wants.  Example, We'd never let the opposing QB kneel down.  Ever.  We'd line up at nose guard and declare: 'are you going to kneel down?'  if they answered yes, we'd just kick the ball away from the center.  After it was returned, we'd ask again.  Repeat.  Until the answer is no.  Too many fantasy matchups for wasted plays.

Thems the rules.  We welcome suggestions before we take our bi-laws to the various league offices.

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