Monday, November 24, 2008
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Here at Gus Johnson's Whisper, we love to analyze things. Here is something that has needed analyzing for many years. The following is a transcript of the conversation between Tony Montana and Alejandro Sosa. This is the part where Sosa questions if Tony is trustworthy and Tony's response:
Sosa: So how do I know
you're not a chivato, too, Tony?
Tony: Let's get this straight now.
I never fucked anybody over in my life
who didn't have it coming. You got that?
All I have in this world is my balls
and my word and I don't break them...
...for no one, you understand?
That piece of shit up there,
I never like him, I never trusted him.
For all I know, he had me set up and
had my friend, Angel Fernandez, killed.
But that's history. I'm here, he's not.
You want to go on with me, say it.
You don't, then you make a move.
We tried to find a clip of that to give you a visual but we couldn't. You all know what we're talking about though. Tony is standing on Sosa's property, surrounded by armed guards, no allies for hundreds of miles, and no chance of escape. He offered Sosa a choice:
Option 1: If it is your desire to do business with me, I am amenable to this. I only ask that you voice this desire at this time.
Option 2: If you do not wish to conduct business with me for any reason, not only do I understand, but I ask that you initiate an action that will undoubtedly result in my death.
Sosa, of course, chose option 1 and the movie goes on. But what if he had chosen option 2? What does Tony Montana do right there? The breakdown:
-Tony tries to take Sosa hostage and make an escape.
Why it could work: Sosa is the boss and has tons of power. He could order his small army to stand down; figuring that he could take Tony and everyone he has ever cared for out later. So he might let Tony get out of there and get back home to Miami.
Why it wouldn't work: Tony presumably has no weapon. How is he going to take Sosa hostage? With awesomeness? You can't take a guy in a choke hold for hundreds of miles without something going wrong. Even a dude that was a master at choke holds like the semi-famous 'Choke Hold Jones' that used to roam the streets of Boulder, CO offering choke hold demonstrations to choke hold fans and novices who weren't really sure about their feelings on choke holds and they would need a choke hold demonstration from a choke hold master to render a verdict. Tony Montana, for all that he was, was not Choke Hold Jones.
-Tony tries to knock Sosa out then hide in the surrounding jungle
Why it could work: Tony sucker punches Sosa and knocks him out. If none of the guard army sees this, he can run through the vast cocaine fields and off of Sosa's property and into the jungle. Maybe he lives off the land for a while because he was in the army in Cuba and changes his appearance. Maybe he can smuggle himself into the US and start again by explaining to Frank Lopez that not only is Omar Suarez dead, but Sosa turned down a business proposition and opted to have me murdered...
Why it wouldn't work: Huge 'if' on the guards not seeing him and Tony making it off the property, huge! But say that he does get by them, makes his way through the vast fields of ye-yo (is that how you spell that? Whatever.), and then hides out in the jungle. Tony is a big city guy, Havana and then Miami. He's not a hobbit who lives off the land. Are you calling Tony Montana a hobbit? Because he is not. He is a political prisoner from Cuba and he wants his basic human rights... not hobbit rights.
-Tony backs off his previous hardline stance and offers another alternative
Why it could work: The idea that one has to do business with someone or murder them in cold blood seems a bit extreme no? 'Sir, would you like to purchase these goods?... No? Very well. I will now stab your neck with my shank.' Bit extreme. So Tony might have been able to reason with Sosa.
Why it wouldn't work: Come on bruh. This is not an option. How can Tony roll like that? It would be like him saying: 'All I have in this world are my balls and my word... unless that's not cool with you. Let's work it out Mr. Sosa. What's it gonna take for me to get you in a new Chevy Aveo today?' No chance.
In conclusion, the ballsiness of of saying 'do business with me or murder me' is the opposite of buying a Chevy Aveo.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
It’s Friday. It means it’s time for another edition of People We Think Are Bamas. This week’s bama: Mario Lopez.
Are you a Time or Newsweek guy? Are you a Democrat or Republican? Coke or Pepsi? Zelda or Mario? Xbox or Playstation? Zack or Slater?
You can only be one. And during the Saved By the Bell years, you were either a Zack guy or a Slater guy. We were Slater guys. Zack annoyed the beans out of us. He was touching Kelly Kapowlski more often than Slater but it didn’t matter. Albert Clifford was tighter. He was a better athlete than Zack and this is a sports blog. Zack was only randomly good at basketball for one episode and he tweaked his knee and couldn't play hurt. Why don't you stop time and take some of the mousse out of your dew their broheim? What's that NYPD Blue? Why don't you get a 1502 on your SAT's by sitting next to Christine Taylor before she starred on 'Hey Dude' on Nickelodeon and get out of our faces? Anyway, we liked Slater.
Now? He is a complete bama. He blows lines. He cheated on his fiancé Ali Landry. Wazzupwiddat? Yeah, Ali Landry. Look it up. He hosted dumb shows. Miss America. Pet Star on Animal Planet.
What annoys us most about him? Well, there’s the whole cheating thing. Like, he wants to make it cool that he cheated on an awesome girl whose life he ruined. Like “Ha, ha. Yeah, I cheated on her. It was incredible.” Come on, man. Take a bath in a flaming lava pit. Assassinate yourself with a crossbow.
But this is what makes him a total bama: he tries to be all pseudo hip hop now with that MTV America’s Best Dance Troup or Group or whatever show. “AHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhh Yeeeeeeeeeeaaaaah, make some noizzzzzzzzzzzzeeeee for my booyyyyyyyyyyz the Jaberwockeeeeeeeeezzzzz.” Don’t be all hip hop Mario. Respect yourself before you wriggidy wreck yourself, AC.
We don’t know why this annoys us so much but it does. Just don’t be all hip hop if you aren’t. Here's the thing, if he was always all hip-hop, then that's his deal and we can get annoyed for other reasons. But you know what? He was one of the dudes on the male version of 'The View'. You cannot be a sensa-male on daytime then go hip-hop style on MTV asking the Boogie Bots to step up and represent their hood.
And the rampant blowing of lines is so annoying too. You know the terrible dudes you meet at parties who like really want you to know they blow lines without actually saying “I blow lines because I went from wanting a quick high to not being able to deal in any social situation involving more than one person other than myself”? They have this sort of smile and over-the-top firm handshake that makes them fart because they press so hard. You all know who I’m talking about? This is Mario Lopez. When he gets up on his show, that poop-eating smile he gives you says, “I’m out here right now all wholesome and semi-hip-hop, but when we go to commercial, I’m going to snort one down, neck with the underwhelming production assistant, touch the sides of my awkward hair down, snort another one down, grab my junk, and then come back out in under 60 seconds. And you’ll still think I’m the good hip-hop.”
Ugh, just thinking about him sickens us. We’re out.