Monday, November 10, 2008

Bond, James Bond

We're just past the halfway point in the National Football League season (note: it's now awkward to say the NFL these days because announcers and studio guys always say the full title.  Terrible development.).  Also, the new Bond movie looks game-tight.

You know what's coming don't you?  You should.  

NFL teams as Bond movies.

-'Dr. No': The Carolina Panthers.  They are 7-2.  Everyone is forgetting about them like people forget about the original Bond film.  If you can't see the 'Honey Rider'/Jake Delhomme parallel then I guess there's no real way to talk to you about this issue and you should go fill out more coloring books between the lines.

-'Tomorrow Never Dies': The 49ers, Lions, Raiders, and Bengals.  The worst Bond movie ever made for the 4 worst teams of our lifetime.  They killed off Teri Hatcher in her 'Lois and Clark/They're Real and They're Spectacular' prime in 8 minutes.  It's about decisions people.

-"From Russia With Love": The New Orleans Saints.  1st, we're sure that Goodell is going to have them play another game abroad next year, probably Russia.  2nd, they play like communists.  

-"Die Another Day": The New York Giants.  Instead of a Super Bowl hangover, they keep playing well, winning, and staving off the letdown that we keep predicting.  We didn't really like this movie either.  It had all these amazing elements but something didn't feel right about it.  Like, Halle Barry is in it.  She's so hot!  So why wasn't the movie incredible?  We think maybe it's because Eli Manning is the giant magnifying glass weapon that focuses the sun's rays on stuff and melts it but can still be outrun by a really fast jet car thing on ice.

-'License to Kill': The Tennessee Titans.  This movie was nasty.  Like, good nasty.  Bond resigns from MI-6, and goes out to avenge his boy Felix Leiter.  He brings it.  Never stopping and doing his thing, his way.  Sounds like a team that smacks mouths, bucks NFL trends, and is terrifying to play against to us.  Also, is awkward like Timothy Dalton.  'Hi... I'm just keeping the seat warm for the next guy... but is it cool if I over-achieve and irritate the naysayers real quick?'

-'The Man With the Golden Gun': Denver Broncos.  Did you hear how Jay Cutler said that his arm was as strong as John Elway's?  You mean the guy with the greatest QB arm of all time right?  The guy that threw 96 MPH and was a 1st round NFL draft pick?  Ballsy bruh.  Also, Christopher Lee is an incredible assassin in this movie.  We think Shannahan is the equivalent for fantasy teams.

'You Only Live Twice': Dallas Cowboys.  Bond, a Japanese chick named Kissy Suzuki, and a whole bunch of ninjas storm an inactive volcano.  Bond uses a remote control helicopter.  This sounds like a child's imagination of what makes a good team.  'And then... TO, and then Roy Williams, and then the Pacman Guy, and then the Tank guy, and then the Romo and some ninjas... oh can my remote control copter go on the field and shoot the defense!?!?!?!?'

'Octopussy': New England Patriots.  It's usually the first movie people think of when they name a Bond film.  Similarly, every football writer is required to name the New England Patriots in every column.  Each mention must include their 'brilliant draft strategy', astute free agent decisions and blah blah blah.  In the film, you've got Roger Moore... and tons of hot chicks.  It's hard for it not to be good.  For the Pats, you had Tom Brady and a great defense.  Again, hard not to be good.

'Casino Royale': Atlanta Falcons.  Bond went away for a bit.  The last one wasn't all it was cracked up to be.  Enter a new dude.  How is he going to be?  How about awesome?  Does that work for you if the guy they picked is awesome?  Do you like that fan base?  Matt Ryan is the Daniel Craig of the NFL.  Impressive like our 9-1 fantasy football squad.  We don't think Pierce Brosnan stages dog fights.

Anybody got some others?


Theodore said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Theodore said...

"Goldfinger" The Philadelphia Eagles, Goldfinger, arguably the greatest bond flick ever, faces our nemesis, Auric Goldfinger (a.k.a.) Andy Reid, a successful coach who, like Goldfinger, made the mistake of letting everyone know what he is planning to do, (pass all the time). However, his number one Henchman the tiny oddjob (Brian Westbrook) can never seem to get Bond (short yardage) and his ace pilot (Pussy Galore) Donavan McNabb always snaps victory from his clutches.

noah said...

Might be a stretch, but Miami Dolphins as Goldeneye, not the movie but the game, that game changed video games forever, and I dont see this wildcat thing going away any time soon.

Shrenik said...

octopussy wasn't connery, folks.

Live From the Palestra! said...

Totally right Shrenik. It was Roger Moore. We made the change. We wanted it to be Connery because he was the hotness. Theo and Noah, great hustle!

Ross said...

St. Louis Rams as On Her Majesty's Secret Service. They switched the leading man (Lazenby/Trent Green), then decided that they better switch back to Connery/Bulger.

Live From the Palestra! said...

Ross (solemnly looks over and nods in your direction)... good stuff broheim.