This week’s bama is Ryan Phillipe. Why? There are so many reasons why that it’s almost too overwhelming. You know how you know something is so obvious and then that obtuse chucklehead is like: ‘Gimme an example’ but you can’t think of one on the spot and you get so furious because what you’re saying is obvious and this biscuithead is being stupid? You know that feeling? That’s us with Ryan Phillipe.
1st, and most importantly, that ‘e’ at the end of his name is so dumb. Is it phillip-eh, philleep, phillip? No one knows. Guaranteed he changes it if he’s somewhere where he wants to sound cultured. You know when that bagadouche is in France he has them pronounce it all accented. Sickening. We hate that ‘e’ like Andy Reid hates facing a challenge decision.
2nd, bruh? Ummmmmm bruh? You did not just get out of the shower. Why is your hair so wet looking? The state of perpetual wetness is so bamafied. That constant moisture hair is the equivalent of Antoine Walker doing a 3 second shimmy after a making a 1st quarter 18-footer to put the Celtics down 10 to the Cavaliers in 2002.
3rd, His marriage and then mysterious relationship ending with Reese Witherspoon. We hate how overhyped Reese Witherspoon is. She is the Troy Aikmen of actresses (Note: Aikman the analyst not the concussed player who never threw for more than 24 TDs in a season. His equivalent is Don Johnson). People just accept that she is the truth. Whatever. But R.Philleep-A, and her were like this young power couple except that she got acting roles and he pretended that he was that b*tchbot from Cruel Intentions in real life. His death scene in that movie is like watching an 8AM Sunday morning pickup hoops game at the Y. It really burned the buntcakes of Gus Johnson’s Whisper that these 2 were always on tv and that their break-up was all mysterious. Without looking it up, name something else he has been in. The only thing we could think of is that doo-doo movie about secret societies at Yale and that was 37 years ago. Was Craig T Nelson in that? Probably. How much better does the T make Craig Nelson? 200%? 500%?
4th, He was on Inside the Actor’s Studio once and it seemed like he was so desperate to be there. The ballers are sort of like, sure, I’ll come by J. Lipton. You know that dude’s agent or PR person or whatever was hounding J Lip for weeks to squeeze Ryan Phillip-eh in.
-‘Hello is this James Lipton?”
JL: ‘Yes this is the J-Lizzy.’
-‘James, Tracy Masterson here from Team Phillip… PhilleepA… Phill-eep-eh… you know that dude with the wet and curly hair from that movie with the overhyped mouse chick that played Buffy on the TV show?’
JL: ‘Uh… yes… what can I do for you? I have to go prep for my show. I’ve got Kevin Spacey, Daniel Day Lewis, and Merrill Streep coming in this week…’
-‘We were hoping that you could squeeze Ryan Philipsa onto your show. He’s been making this pouty face for 20 minutes in my office and says he’s not going to eat until he gets on your show.’
JL: ‘Aaaiiight den, hit up my assistant and we’ll lock it down. One.’
5th, he has kids. Imagine if that was your dad. Imagine him trying to teach you how to throw and catch? Can you picture him doing the thing with the football where he holds it sideways, puts it right next to his shoulder, leads with his elbow and shotputs it halfway between you and him then does an awkward laugh? We can picture that and it annoys us.
6th, Who are his boys? Who does he hang out with? Do you think he has guys over to play Halo? What about to screen movies? Like when the Dark Knight comes out on blue ray, who is he calling to watch it on his huge screen? Guaranteed he won’t even watch it because he’s still salty that Heath Ledger got the part and he didn’t even get a call for Dancing with the Stars 6.
Smell you later Ryan Phillippe, you are a D1 All America Bama.