Monday, November 24, 2008

The Vasgersian

It sounds like a deviant sexual maneuver doesn't it?  It's not.  Well, maybe it is.  Maybe someone out there is as weird as we are and figured out what we're about to tell you.  Note: that person needs help.  If you know them, don't turn your back on them.

If you're an NFL fan, you're probably a bit delusional about your team.  You believe they'll pull it out, or bring it in a big game, or even show the world that they are a force to be reckoned with on a Sunday or Monday night.  The reality?  Unless you are a fan of 1 of 3 teams over the past 5 years, you're delusional.  You're squad, in all likelihood, is in the perpetual mediocre cesspool of 'if we win our next 3, and they lose 2 and they lose to one of the teams we beat we can get the #6 seed'.  You need to know the truth NFL fan.  You want to know what the networks are doing to tell you where your team stands?

The networks that cover the games have a hierarchy.  For Fox, it goes like this:

-Buck/Aikman- According to Troy, Joe Buck has never been wrong.  

-Albert/Johnston/Siragusa - The Goose says: 'they didn't even get a hand on him on that play'.  (5 seconds pause because they are worried that Goose will shout something else) Albert says - 'so, the Falcons will try the extra point...'

-Stockton/Baldinger- The Baldinger pinky needs its own horror movie.

-Rosen/Ryan- 'Do you know us?  We just call the game and offer insight.  Sorry we're this low.'

-Pitts/Boselli- Pitts plays tricks on Boselli.  He says things like: 'if you were an expansion team now, what position would you draft first?'

-Brennaman/Billick- 'Trust me Baltimore, I know quarterbacks."

-Vasgersian/JC Pierce: (Fan) 'Who?  Is that the guy from Celebrity Blackjack?'

If you go an entire season without getting a Vasgersian dropped on you, your team is relevant.  But, if you tune in, and you are treated to the melody of Matt Vasgersian and JC 'The Carpenter" Pierce, your team is off the radar.  Sorry Seattle Seahawks and Washington Redskins.  The networks dropped a Vasgersian on you this weekend.  Skins fans, you think you're squad is in the hunt right?  7-4 seems like a good place to be doesn't it?  Well, the good people at Fox are renting a regulation harness, a pulley system, and some high tension wire.  Then they are dropping a hot, sweaty Vasgersian on your chest while you try to sleep.  It's a shock.  Minding your business and then you get smacked in the mouth with a little:

MV: 'Matt Vasgersian and JC Pierce with you for the second half in Seattle.  And JC, the Redskins are moving the ball but they're not scoring a ton of points.'

JC The Carpenter: 'You're absolutely right Matt.  The Redskins just aren't coming away with points.  If you're Jim Zorn, you've got to be concerned about that.'

(cut to Redskins fan standing in his living room staggering like a boxer getting a standing 8 count.  He's holding a beer in his left hand and a chip with some dip in his right hand.  The dip falls to the floor in slow motion as a sad high-voiced song plays like one of those in the movies that mean a character has sacrificed himself to save someone else and they have to let him go.  As the dip hits the carpet, deep drum beat.  The fan casts his gaze to the ground.  He looks back up at the tv with a hollow look of disbelief.  On screen, the referees gather to decide if a player was offside or if there was a false start.  JC says that a false start is 'inexcusable right there'.  The refs determine that it was an off-sides penalty.  Pierce explains why no offensive player should ever false start.  The fan closes his eyes because he now knows the truth.)

NFL football fans beware.  The Vasgersian is lurking.  It could happen at any moment.  Look at your roster, your schedule, and your results this year.  Make an honest assessment.  If you prepare yourself, the shock of a Vasgersian won't be as traumatic.  We can save lives.

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