Thursday, November 6, 2008

People We Think Are Bamas Part V

It's Friday, you know what that means.  Here's our 5th installment of 'People We Think Are Bamas'.

Since history was made this week, we decided to go back in history to find this week's bama.

When lots of people hear the word 'bama', they think of this dude... or dudes like him.  This is the kind of dude that makes you go 'REALLY?'

Governor and professional bigot, George Wallace.  This is one of the worst dudes we've ever had.  Listen, we get that he was who he was in a different time.  We also get that we can look back at him with our 21st century values and it's easy to judge him; the same way people will judge us 50 years from now.  Whatever bruh.

Let old Gus Johnson's Whisper ask you a question.  What if we told you that there was a charismatic guy during a tumultuous time who ran on the simple platform of blaming a disadvantaged group of people for all of society's ills?  You'd go, 'whoa... sounds like Hitler.'  Yeah it does doesn't it... George Wallace you sweaty bigot.  This moose-knuckle ran on the platform of 'segregation... and also segregation'.  His most famous address, once elected governor, was written by a member of the trips K... who was also his cousin.  Don't you love history?

Know what we love?  Make-believe.  That bama died in 1998.  We wish we could wake him up, tape his eyelids open, and make him watch a 24-hour loop of gay men getting married and Barack Obama's address to the world after winning the election.

OK, back to why Wallace was a bama.  Now, we all know dude was racist.  That just makes him a racist.  What makes him a bama was that he acted like a little kid who didn't like the pick-up game so he tried to take his ball and go home.

Kennedy goes: 'Hey broseph... I'm thinking that human beings should just go ahead and go to school in the same place.'

Wallace response: 'Nah ah'.

Kennedy: 'Yeah... I'm gonna go ahead and kind of insist that we do that.'

Wallace response: 'Nah-ah'

Kennedy: 'Why are you making this weird?  Listen, Jackie Robinson broke into the bigs 16 years ago man.  We're talking about a school. So...'

Wallace: 'NO!  You're a meanie!'

Kennedy: 'George!  George!  You will not hold your breath until you turn blue again!  You get down from there this instant!  I will call the national guard!'

Wallace: 'You're a national guard!'

Kennedy: 'You're not even making sense now.'

Wallace: (crying) 'I hate you!  I hate you and I want to go home!'

Kennedy: 'George!  George!  I will count to 3...'

Cut to Wallace's speech in front of the school.

(Wallace whispers to someone near the stage.) GW: 'Hey, who are those red guys we don't like right now?'

(Guy whispers back) 'Uhhh tha' comm-yoon-ists?'

GW: 'Thanks'

(Wallace addresses crowd)

"The president wants us to surrender this state to Martin Luther King and his group of pro-communists who have instituted these demonstrations." 

Yup, he said that outloud.  F that dude and the horse he rode in on.  By the way, guaranteed that dude rode a horse.  We're not looking that up or anything, but didn't W the Rigot (racist bigot wombo) seem like the kind of dude who rode horses?  His horses had names like 'Hester' but because he was dumb and all southern he pronounced it 'Hess-tuh'.

In closing, Gus Johnson's Whisper is awfully proud to live here these days.  We wish it wasn't as big a deal as it is; we wish it was just an election but we all know it wasn't.  We're grateful that bamas like George Wallace lost.

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