It’s Friday. It means it’s time for another edition of People We Think Are Bamas. This week’s bama: Mario Lopez.
Are you a Time or Newsweek guy? Are you a Democrat or Republican? Coke or Pepsi? Zelda or Mario? Xbox or Playstation? Zack or Slater?
You can only be one. And during the Saved By the Bell years, you were either a Zack guy or a Slater guy. We were Slater guys. Zack annoyed the beans out of us. He was touching Kelly Kapowlski more often than Slater but it didn’t matter. Albert Clifford was tighter. He was a better athlete than Zack and this is a sports blog. Zack was only randomly good at basketball for one episode and he tweaked his knee and couldn't play hurt. Why don't you stop time and take some of the mousse out of your dew their broheim? What's that NYPD Blue? Why don't you get a 1502 on your SAT's by sitting next to Christine Taylor before she starred on 'Hey Dude' on Nickelodeon and get out of our faces? Anyway, we liked Slater.
Now? He is a complete bama. He blows lines. He cheated on his fiancé Ali Landry. Wazzupwiddat? Yeah, Ali Landry. Look it up. He hosted dumb shows. Miss America. Pet Star on Animal Planet.
What annoys us most about him? Well, there’s the whole cheating thing. Like, he wants to make it cool that he cheated on an awesome girl whose life he ruined. Like “Ha, ha. Yeah, I cheated on her. It was incredible.” Come on, man. Take a bath in a flaming lava pit. Assassinate yourself with a crossbow.
But this is what makes him a total bama: he tries to be all pseudo hip hop now with that MTV America’s Best Dance Troup or Group or whatever show. “AHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhh Yeeeeeeeeeeaaaaah, make some noizzzzzzzzzzzzeeeee for my booyyyyyyyyyyz the Jaberwockeeeeeeeeezzzzz.” Don’t be all hip hop Mario. Respect yourself before you wriggidy wreck yourself, AC.
We don’t know why this annoys us so much but it does. Just don’t be all hip hop if you aren’t. Here's the thing, if he was always all hip-hop, then that's his deal and we can get annoyed for other reasons. But you know what? He was one of the dudes on the male version of 'The View'. You cannot be a sensa-male on daytime then go hip-hop style on MTV asking the Boogie Bots to step up and represent their hood.
And the rampant blowing of lines is so annoying too. You know the terrible dudes you meet at parties who like really want you to know they blow lines without actually saying “I blow lines because I went from wanting a quick high to not being able to deal in any social situation involving more than one person other than myself”? They have this sort of smile and over-the-top firm handshake that makes them fart because they press so hard. You all know who I’m talking about? This is Mario Lopez. When he gets up on his show, that poop-eating smile he gives you says, “I’m out here right now all wholesome and semi-hip-hop, but when we go to commercial, I’m going to snort one down, neck with the underwhelming production assistant, touch the sides of my awkward hair down, snort another one down, grab my junk, and then come back out in under 60 seconds. And you’ll still think I’m the good hip-hop.”
Ugh, just thinking about him sickens us. We’re out.