Wednesday, October 29, 2008

I'm... Ron... Burgundy?

It's Anchorman!  Not Anchorlady!  Here at Gus Johnon's Whisper, we were thinking about the NBA season.  We were also watching Anchorman.  The following is an NBA preview based on Anchorman quotes.  We know, it is genius.

"I'm not sure but apparently you just run for an extended period of time. It's supposed to be wild." - The New York Knicks.  Mike D'A'N't'ioni brings the running game to New York.  He took the extra $5 mil to coach a team that fits his style like a size 2 fits a chick in the 'before picture'.  Maybe the J is soft Eddy Curry... maybe the j is soft.  

"We've been coming to this same party for 13 years.  And in no way is that depressing." - The Spurs.  OH MY GOD we are so sick of this team.  If we have to watch them on national TV and we see the Tim Duncan 'you whistled me for a foul? MEEEEE?' face one more time, we're just gonna spit.

"take it easy, Champ. Why don't you sit this next one out, stop talking for a while." - The Washington Wizards.  Here's the thinking: Outbid yourself by 30 million to sign popular star with knee issues, barely make playoffs amid constant 'are they better without him?' talk, lose in 1st round.  Repeat.

"I'm in a glass case of emotion!' - The Boston Celtics.  Hey did you know that Kevin Garnett is competitive?  It slipped right past me when every single analyst talked about it the David Stern mandated 4.2 times per 10 minutes.  Also, Paul Pierce cried last night when they raised the banner.  

"Great Oden's Raven" - The Portland Trail Blazers.  Today's little news blurb next to Greg Oden on my fantasy roster: 'Oden to have MRI'.  No one saw that coming.

"Milk was a poor choice" - The Minnesota Timerbwolves.  We're trying to start a movement to call Kevin Love 'Milk'.  It's because he's chalky white and tough to digest for some people.  Help spread the word.

"Guess what, I do. I know that one day Veronica and I are gonna to get married on top of a mountain, and there's going to be flutes playing and trombones and flowers and garlands of fresh herbs. And we will dance till the sun rises. And then our children will form a family band. And we will tour the countryside and you won't be invited." - The Phoenix Suns.  Very quietly, the Suns are a terrible organization.  They are competitive every year so we don't notice them fleecing their fans by selling draft picks to save $ that could have helped them get over the hump.  The 'Shaquisition' last year ranks among the more delusional moves moves in the history of sport.

"I wanna say something. I'm gonna put it out there; if you like it, you can take it, if you don't, send it right back. I want to be on you." - The Philadelphia 76ers.  Everyone is making this their 'team to watch' pick.  Let us know when Andre Miller and Samue Dalembert are ready to be key guys on a championship team.  6 seed.  Thanks for stopping by.

"Discovered by the Germans in 1904, they named it Sand Diego... which is of course German for a 'whale's vagina" - The Sacramento Kings.  Sacramento is a German word for 'who the f*%* is John Salmons?'

"Well I could be wrong, but I believe diversity is an old, old wooden ship used during the Civil War Era."  - The Indiana Pacers.  Once TJ Ford gets hurt, you've got Travis Deiner, Mike Dunleavy, Troy Murphy, Rasho Nesterovic, and Danny Granger.  That is diversity right there.

"The human torch was denied a bank loan."  - The Houston Rockets.  Ron Artest is the human torch.  He was also recently denied a loan according to our sources.

"I pooped a cornish game hen." - The Memphis Grizzlies.  All 87 fans in attendance get a Marc Gasol beard blanket.

"I'm proud of you fellas. You all kept your head on a swivel, and that's what you gotta do when you find yourself in a vicious cock fight." - Charlotte Bobcats.  We're calling any time Larry Brown takes a job that he's going to hate 'a cock fight'.

"Mmmmm... I look good. I mean really good. Hey everyone come see how good I look." - Los Angeles Lakers.  It looks good on paper.  Let me ask you this, would you be ready to bet on them with the ongoing Odom contract year/not enough touches for everyone subplot?  This could be like an NBA cowboys situation.  Then again, they might just win 65 games and roll over everyone.

**** Some people pointed this out to us and we just looked it up... and we're idiots. Bill Simmons did a great version of this in 2005 for a column about NBA Summer Moves. Here it is: His was totally first, and actually well written. Apologies to the Sports Guy and thanks to those that let us know.*****


ritewar said...

lol great stuff

mmoore said...

Funny stuff. Of course it was funnier 3 years ago when The Sports Guy used it for his 2005 NBA preview.

Chris said...

Wow, shameless rip off. At least give some props to Simmons

Live From the Palestra! said...

We just looked it up... and we're idiots. Bill Simmons did a great version of this in 2005 for a column about NBA Summer Moves. Here it is: