People We Think Are Bamas Part VI

It’s Friday. It means it’s time for another edition of People We Think Are Bamas. This week’s bama: Mario Lopez.

 

Are you a Time or Newsweek guy? Are you a Democrat or Republican? Coke or Pepsi? Zelda or Mario? Xbox or Playstation? Zack or Slater? 

You can only be one. And during the Saved By the Bell years, you were either a Zack guy or a Slater guy. We were Slater guys. Zack annoyed the beans out of us. He was touching Kelly Kapowlski more often than Slater but it didn’t matter.  Albert Clifford was tighter.  He was a better athlete than Zack and this is a sports blog.  Zack was only randomly good at basketball for one episode and he tweaked his knee and couldn't play hurt.  Why don't you stop time and take some of the mousse out of your dew their broheim?  What's that NYPD Blue?  Why don't you get a 1502 on your SAT's by sitting next to Christine Taylor before she starred on 'Hey Dude' on Nickelodeon and get out of our faces?  Anyway, we liked Slater. 

Now?  He is a complete bama. He blows lines. He cheated on his fiancé Ali Landry. Wazzupwiddat? Yeah, Ali Landry. Look it up. He hosted dumb shows. Miss America. Pet Star on Animal Planet. 

What annoys us most about him? Well, there’s the whole cheating thing. Like, he wants to make it cool that he cheated on an awesome girl whose life he ruined. Like “Ha, ha. Yeah, I cheated on her. It was incredible.” Come on, man. Take a bath in a flaming lava pit. Assassinate yourself with a crossbow. 

But this is what makes him a total bama: he tries to be all pseudo hip hop now with that MTV America’s Best Dance Troup or Group or whatever show. “AHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhh Yeeeeeeeeeeaaaaah, make some noizzzzzzzzzzzzeeeee for my booyyyyyyyyyyz the Jaberwockeeeeeeeeezzzzz.” Don’t be all hip hop Mario. Respect yourself before you wriggidy wreck yourself, AC. 

We don’t know why this annoys us so much but it does. Just don’t be all hip hop if you aren’t.  Here's the thing, if he was always all hip-hop, then that's his deal and we can get annoyed for other reasons.  But you know what?  He was one of the dudes on the male version of 'The View'.  You cannot be a sensa-male on daytime then go hip-hop style on MTV asking the Boogie Bots to step up and represent their hood.

And the rampant blowing of lines is so annoying too. You know the terrible dudes you meet at parties who like really want you to know they blow lines without actually saying “I blow lines because I went from wanting a quick high to not being able to deal in any social situation involving more than one person other than myself”? They have this sort of smile and over-the-top firm handshake that makes them fart because they press so hard. You all know who I’m talking about? This is Mario Lopez. When he gets up on his show, that poop-eating smile he gives you says, “I’m out here right now all wholesome and semi-hip-hop, but when we go to commercial, I’m going to snort one down, neck with the underwhelming production assistant, touch the sides of my awkward hair down, snort another one down, grab my junk, and then come back out in under 60 seconds. And you’ll still think I’m the good hip-hop.”

Ugh, just thinking about him sickens us. We’re out. 

SBTB

Arguably, Saved By the Bell is the greatest program of any kind.  Arguably.  

Today, Gus Johnson's Whisper will do something inspired.  NFL QBs as SBTB episodes.  The connections will be obvious...

Vince Young: "The Substitute": When Ms. Simpson injures her back, a substitute teacher named Tony Crane takes over her class at Bayside. However, when all the girls, including Lisa, Jessie, and Kelly, fall for Mr. Crane, Zack and Slater become jealous.  You get it.

Ben Roethlisberger: "Dancing to the Max": Lisa is hurt and wins the dance contest with Screech's help.  Big Ben is hurt because Pittsburgh's O-line stinks.  Screech stinks.  It's the same.

Jamarcus Russell: "The New Girl": He was coached by Lane Kiffin, the next day, Kiffin was gone.  Where is Lane Kiffin?  On the show, Tori showed up.  Where the hell were Kelly and Jessie?  They were here last week and now they're not.  Did they try to get fired?  Were they not who you thought you hired Al Davis/Aaron Spelling? ***

Brady Quinn: "The Fight": Zack and Slater's relationship is put to the test when they fall for the same girl.  Someone is the QB of the future in Cleveland.  The 1st round bonus baby is holding the clipboard while the guy that had 6 good weeks last season is starting.  They're buds but you know it's awkward.  Especially when the Browns are 1-78 (record approximate).

Tony Romo: "Pipe Dreams": Bayside strikes oil and everyone is rich.  We all think that things will be great... then the duck gets covered in oil.  No playoff wins in 12 years.  Terrell Owens is the oil.

Drew Brees: "Fake I.D.'s": The boys make fake IDs so they can get into the greatest club of all time, 'The Attic'.  The only correlation here is that Drew Brees is the best QB in the NFL right now.  This episode had everything, including the largest cordless phone ever invented by humans.  Urban Dictionary of the Zack Morris phone.

Peyton Manning: "The Fabulous Belding Boys": Rod Belding arrives and is all popular.  He turns out to be a flash in the pan who got really lucky and he throws up prayers that somehow don't get picked and he makes that pouty face and can barely speak because he's a complete b*tch and HOWTHEF*CK DOES HE HAVE A SUPERBOWL!?!?!?!?!?  Anyway, the better Belding reasserts himself and the brother just goes away after his one episode (Super Bowl).

*** = GJW note: Leanna Creel, the girl that played Tori is now doing Progressive Auto Insurance Commercials.  This is weird for everyone and shouldn't be talked about anymore.