Saturday, November 22, 2008

People We Think Are Bamas Part VII

We're a day late and a dollar short on this week's bama post.  Our bad.  We had a thing with a thing and the guy with the thing didn't come through.

Here is this week's bama:

We cannot stand this chooch.  Ugh.  The worst thing that has happened and we mean THE WORST, is that 2 big national writers: Bill Simmons and Peter King, started singing Collinsworth's praises for some reason.  Now this deluxe, grade A bama, is somehow a revered analyst.  How?  Why?

Did you see this poor man's Chris Doehring (obscure white wide receiver reference) on the Olympic coverage?  Actual analysis by Collinsworth in studio with Bob 'The Jockey' Costas:

Collinsworth: 'I mean... being in that water cube... I mean when Michael Phelps got going... it was just incredible.  (semi-laughter and chuckling)  When he took off, it was like 'look out' (semi-chuckling).  And his mom was grabbing my arm (everyone chuckles), I mean I thought she wouldn't let go.  She was like a pit bull... she's going nuts.  Everyone there is just going crazy for this guy.  It was something special.'

Really?  This guy is your analyst?  We would rather have had anyone else sitting in that chair talking about how special it was.  Literally, pick anyone.  Oh, so you think that the greatest swimmer of all time setting world records and winning 8 Olympic gold medals was special?  When were you made the mayor of Observation Town?  

NBC planted this bama in the stands to stand near Phelps' mom.  He displaced one of the hot and also jacked sisters.  That's not cool.  You bama come lately.  They've been rooting for this dude since he was a lanky lisp from B-more who was all tawkward (tall and awkward).  Now here comes one of the 13 worst professional wide receivers of all time after he wins 7 gold medals?  Please.  Don't touch me Collinsworth, I'm afraid you'll drop me and have that dumb smile afterward to play it off like you aren't a huge reason your team hasn't sniffed the playoffs in 47 years.

As an NFL analyst, he's just a guy.  He says everything in this condescending 'uh, actually, here's the real story' tone.  Like he's doing us a favor by opening his mouth.  Don't do that half smile you chooch.  Just don't.  When he's in studio, he also kind of leans back and and turns his head in an annoying way.  It's the same thing that someone does when they want to make a point calling out your point as factually inaccurate but they don't want to hurt your feelings.  He's such a bagadouche.  He also over-uses 'I mean' which annoys us.

Quotes that we can recall:

'I mean, that division is wide open right now.  I don't know who's gonna come out of there.'

So you don't know who's going to win the NFC north when every team is around .500?  How about some reasons why one team will or won't?  No thanks, just be the good old boy and make that 'I'm in a living room talking to a football novice who doesn't know the difference between divisions and conferences'.  Ass.

'I just don't know about them right now.  You've gotta think, what are they gonna do going forward?'

So the Oakland Raiders are a mess?  What?  Did anyone hear about this?  Apparently, they have had some organizational dysfunction of late.  No clue.  You are both Woodward and Bernstein.  Ass.

'I watched the tape... I mean... Right now, he's pretty impressive.'

So you sir, are espousing, in so many words, that Adrian Peterson is a good running back?  I'm not sure how anyone has ever gotten through an NFL game without your expertise.

'It's gonna be interesting.  You've got Brett Favre... playing in this game... against Matt Cassell and the Patriots.  Anything can happen.'

Sir, your analysis has dazzled the masses yet again.  Not only have you set the matchup for us, you have delved into the infinite nature of the space-time continuum.  Your assertion that no one can truly predict the outcome of future events with any certainty, is proof positive of your taught control of the principles of conditional logic, as well as your firm grasp of the futility of man attempting to harness his own destiny.  Plus, your mastery of the interpersonal dynamics of opposing quarterbacks is spot on.  By simply naming the participants, you have more than set the stage sir.  You have brought up the house lights and focused the enraptured audience on the fact that these combatants will indeed participate in said contest.  Ass.

This dude sucks.  People need to realize that.  He is a bama because he was terrible at football and his semi-chuckle would get him punched in 47% of bars nationwide.  Shutup bruh.

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