Every Friday, here at Gus Johnson's Whisper, we are running a regular feature called 'People We Think Are Bamas'. For an explanation and some background, check out the original post.
Welcome back to our Friday “People We think Are Bamas” column. It’s been another lousy week for life in general. The stock market sucks. People continue to work themselves into a frenzy over the non-existant crisis. I work from home like an Avon saleswoman (“Hi, we got some really nice eyeliner and lip gloss for y'all…wanna have a party?”).
This week’s bama is Colin Farrell. I had to spell check his last name. Does it have one “r” and two “l”s or two “r”s and one “l”? Turns out his last name contains two “r”s and two “l”s. Pissed me off. Also, in the ultimate monkey wrench, his last name has an “a”, not an “e” to start.
Why is he a bama? This question is like asking, “Why did Kevin want to touch Winnie Cooper?” Because she was hot. But that is not why Colin Farrell is a bama. He is a bama for singlehandedly ruining one of gusjohnsonswhispers’ favorite people in history of all time: Alexander the Great.
We looked forward to the movie “Alexander” like a college senior looking forward to asking a college freshman at a bar: “You ready to get out of here?” Hopes of an epic moment. We saw previews and tight one-liners. Instead, we got Jared Leto constantly saying over and over “Alexander” except he said it in a weird pseudo British-Baltimorean accent that sounded like “Alekzonder”. And we can’t get the image of Farrell’s bare white a$$ out of our heads after his sesh with Rosario Dawson. Rosario, do us a favor, hon, when Colin Farrell comes at you, please pull the covers up over his naked body. You’re embarrassing yourself out there.
This is how they depict arguably the greatest leader in history? Always crying and kissing Jared Leto on the mouth? Come on. He conquered whatever he wanted. I repeat: he conquered whatever he wanted. Hey Alexander, what do you want to conquer today? I think I’ll conquer Texas…and he did. And he left the locals to govern. Bam. No one does that anymore. Nowadays, it's all: 'I conquer you and I'll leave some guys here to do it like I do it back where I'm cool.'
The only great scene in the movie is when Alexander’s super game tight horse Bucephalus dies. I came close to tears. BUT THAT DOESN’T EXCUSE COLIN FARRELL. Another reason he is a bama is he always wears that fake-me-out rasta knit cap just above his hairline so it looks like it is about to fall off…but it always stays on…always. The deliberate non-deliberateness of that look makes me sick. Also, S.W.A.T. was terrible.
It’s like how Bill Belichick wears the sweatshirt with the cut off sleeves to be all like “What!” but that means he sits in his office before the game with the hooded sweaty and scissors cutting off the sleeves. “Hey Coach, I was wondering…” “Just a minute, I have to finish cutting off this one last sleeve and I’ll be right with you. Also, can you grab an oven mit and take the cookies out?Remember, they need to sit for 10 minutes before you put your little hands on them…I made snicker doodles. Tell Adalius and Richard I’ll be there in one hot minute.”
See you next week.