Monday, October 20, 2008

The Not Probable Things That Happen

The Rays are going to the World Series.  Say that outloud.  Now try and picture yourself 2 years ago in the Spring.  Maybe you're wearing shorts, maybe not.  Regardless, picture watching that horrendous, 61 win, AAAA squadron.  Think about how, in 2 years, this team would be playing for the World Series in the same division as Goliath and the other Goliath with a New England accent.  It doesn't seem possible.

Around the diamond in 2006:

Toby Hall: we are not sure about this, but we heard that Toby Hall is currently working security at home games.

Travis Lee: Attempted to eat the whole wheel of cheese like Baxter.  Foiled by lactose intolerance.

Jorge Cantu: Played so poorly that the Marlins were like: 'ummm yeah we want him.  We can pay him $80 a week to play in our football stadium!'

Julio Lugo: Once dubbed: 'the shortstop of the present' by teams that needed a stopgap.

Ty Wiggington: This guy was once named the 13th best 3rd base prospect in the Devil Rays organization by Baseball America.

Carl Crawford: Crawford is a latin word for 'fantasy player drafted 3 rounds too early'

Rocco Baldelli: 'ouch. My mitochondria is sore today skip.'

Damon Hollins: I swear to God that Damon Hollins played over 120 games for the Rays in 2006.  I thought he was a small forward at a mid-major school just like everyone else did.

I'm not gonna go into their pitching.  Just know that Cassey Fossum, Tim Corcoran, and Jae Wang-Seo are heavily involved.

Anyway, here are some other improbable things that have happened recently.  Let's top 10 this b*tch.

10) Kerry Collins quarterbacks a 6-0 team while Vince Young, the nastiest college football player since that white guy with the weird stride won the Heisman in the 40's, goes to a therapist because he has some sand in his noonie.  If you had that before the season started, you were also the same guy who thought the world was ending at midnight of the year 2000 and bought 4000 twinkies.

9) The Davidson Wildcats almost beating Kansas in the Final 8 of the NCAA Tourney this year.  To put this into perspective, I was recruited to play baseball at Davidson.  They stopped recruiting me once they found out what my GPA was.  Wish I made that up.

8) The Celtics acquire Ray Allen and Kevin Garnett and go from the worst team in the East to the Champions.  Pretty astounding.  I guess anything is possible...

7) Marty McFly's basketball team in Teen Wolf beating their rivals without the wolf.
Listen, Marty could only go right and dribbled with his head down.  
They also re-cycled footage of the same runner that bounced around the rim before it drops.  
No shot the Dragons would lose this game in real life...

6) The Detroit Lions are 0-6. Hahaha! Do you get it? That was a joke because 
of course they are 0-6. All of us at Gus Johnson's Whisper are surprised their record isn't 
worse. They only thing holding them back is the schedule.

5) Billy Packer being dismissed by CBS. This is a stunning move because it is the first time 
in the history of the world that a network made a move that makes it's viewers happy.  
Dangerous precedent here. How miserable was that guy? Really miserable is the answer.  
He roles by what we call the 'key hole method'. Early in the game, he creates a key hole by 
making some kind of wild sweeping point about one of the teams. Everything that happens 
afterwards must fit through that key hole; regardless of the outcome. Go away you carmudgeon.

4) Joe Torre manages Nomar Garciappara, Derek Lowe, and Manny Ramirez on a playoff team.
Think back to 2 years ago and figure out the scenario where that could happen. We'll wait.

3) The Chicago Bears and the Minnesota Vikings combined for 89 points... in a single game.  
If I was hidden underground for 4 weeks and emerged today looking for a report on the NFL, 
I would ABSOLUTELY believe you if you said: 'Bears and Vikings combined to score 89 points 
this month'

2) The NHL still exists. One of my favorite games to play is: 
NHL team or Arena Football Squad.  
Try these: The Columbus Blue Jackets, Tampa Bay Storm, the Atlanta Thrashers, 
the Nashville Predators, the Orlando Predators. I think you get my point.

1) Of course, the #1 here has got to be the Rays making their name worse by dropping 
'Devil' from it and still succeeding. This is like the ultimate sports karma move.  
Teams that do this to be sensitive are always doomed to suckiness. And yet, miraculously, 
the Rays are going to the World Series.

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