Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Pacman... Stop Me If You've Heard This One

Here at Gus Johnson's Whisper we try not to judge.  (pause...) Wait, yes we do!

The Dallas Cowboys are evil.  We all know that.  We know it because it's true.  The boss, Jerry Jones, is a cross between Lord Voldemort when he was feeding off of unicorns and the robot that commits the crime in I-Robot.

We couldn't find one of those 'before they were stars' Voldemort pics...but you know we're right.  

Anyway, Double J is running an NFL halfway house for bad citizens.  Be it TO (he can even ruin fantasy team chemistry), Tank 'I just want to play football and commit crimes also' Johnson, and everyone's favorite weatherman: Pacman Jones.

The latest news has Pacman getting into a fight with a member of his security entourage which damaged a hotel bathroom.  This incident alone seems like not that big a deal.  But consider this: Gus Johnson has never been in a fight in a hotel with a member of his security entourage resulting in a damaged bathroom.  Get the point.  Millions of Americans who don't have the privilege of playing football professionally haven't ben in potty fights with hired security.

This Pacman got into more trouble than this one:

And this guy got beat up on Halloween.

That got us to thinking, what happened was that Pacman engaged in fisticuffs with a person who's job is to keep trouble away from Pacman.  The Pacperson brought trouble to the security guy in the form of potty punching.  The security dude was in the midst of a paradox.  His job was to prevent trouble for Pacman and it seems that he was the trouble for Pacman.  Here are some other paradoxes in our lives:

-If Marty went back in time and changed anything in the past, it is impossible that his original present would be different.  We can see that Doc Brown wearing the bullet proof vest is proof that the original loop exists and yet, Dave does not always wear a suit to the office.

-In Star Trek VI: The Voyage Home, Dr. McCoy and Scotty give the dude they were stuck with the formula for 'transparent aluminum'.  If they hadn't traveled back in time with the formula, it never would have existed.  So, Pacman had to smash his bodyguard into one of those hand dryers.

-In Terminator 2, once the T1000 is destroyed in the hot stuff at the end, the loop should be closed.  Because the Terminator's were destroyed, the computer chip was destroyed, and the original Terminator arm was destroyed, Skynet should never have existed.  The technology was based on those parts surviving.  So with no skynet, and no need for time travel, Kyle Reese would never have traveled back in time to impregnate Sarah Conor... so Edward Furlong wouldn't exist!

So we can clearly see that Pacman Jones should fight Edward Furlong on Celebrity Boxing during Pacman's next suspension.


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