AL Baseball Bands

Here's an MLB preview after more than a week of games. It's how Gus Johnson's Whisper rolls. AL teams as bands:

AL EAST:

Tampa Bay Rays: The Killers. This band was all the rage. They took the world by storm and were in everyone's Ipod rotation. Then, all of a sudden, everyone was bored with them. Young talent! Maybe they overachieved last year, maybe you shouldn't need Jason Bartlett to hit .381, and maybe karma punches your shins because you kept David Price in the minors to avoid paying him money... whatever.

New York Yankees: The Rolling Stones. You have to pay what for a ticket????? Lot of name recognition, just hard to justify the price tag. The SS Sabathia should be striking dudes out on 2 pitches for that kind of money.

Boston Red Sox: The Grateful Dead. The most annoying fans in the world and a band that really isn't that good. Ortiz has a lot of Jerry parallels and their pitching (after a healthy Beckett) scares no one. 'No man, this bootleg is awesome... they go from Magnolia back into John's Cabin back into Ophelia and then into Trucking'. Translation: Pedroia is annoying because of the dumb way he wears his hat.

Toronto Blue Jays: Arcade Fire. Only the awkwardly hardcore fans know about them. Then, these hardcore fans are so over the top about how good they are, the group somehow becomes overrated. Aaron Hill!!!!!!

Baltimore Orioles: The Mickey Mouse Club. There are some stars in the room... you just have to wait until they grow up.

AL Central

Cleveland Indians: The guys that sung that song about walking 1000 miles and then walking another 1000 miles after that so they ended up walking over 2000 miles and have terrible pitching.

Detroit Tigers: Rage Against the Machine. Loud and with something to say. You can't ignore them and Jim Leyland smokes cigarettes.

Kansas City Royals: Bare Naked Ladies. 'I just made you say underwear.'

Minnesota Twins: Creedence Clearwater Revival. They did more with less (3 guys) and they kept it simple. The Twins are gonna pitch, play D, and bunt/hit and run and CCR is gonna kep getting royalties off of Chronicle.

Chicago White Sox: The Clash. A truly nasty band that no one talks about because they are not the first group people think of when they think about their home (London and Chicago). All they do is make good music and rip mediocre pitching.

AL West:

Seattle Mariners: Stone Temple Pilots. A bit obvious but not why you think judgmental jim. It's because the hot start won't translate for the whole season. That's why.

Los Angeles Angels: Jackson Browne. It's because they're 'Running on Empty'. Vlad is 1000 years old in June, pitchers are dropping like heavy objects, and they don't really scare you on offense anymore.

Texas Rangers: Megadeath. They can swing it which is the equivalent of playing really loudly. They pitch like we crochet.

Oakland Athletics: Creed. Would you buy a ticket to see this group? Ladies and gentlemen, it's Dana Eveland and Travis Buck! Can you taaaaaaaaaaake me hiiiiiiii-yer.

We'll rock the NL later this week.

I Feel Deep Regret

By now, you've all seen it.  If you haven't, being Amish in 2009 must be going great:

http://espn.go.com/video/clip?id=3895585&categoryid=2521705

It's the complete Alex Rodriguez interview with Peter Gammons.

Yawn.

A-Rod has been schooled in phony PR since he was an 18 year old senior at Miami Dade Christian High School.  He never speaks out of turn, always says 'the right thing', and is generally as boring and manufactured a media figure as you'll find.  It's smart though.  People can't stand this guy and yet, he mints money.  He's in everything and has signed 2 different 10 year contract worth over $25o million.  Have you met my friend here, Mr Ho-Lee Sheet?

Here is the official reaction of Gus Johnson's Whisper to these developments;

-He did himself a service by his 'admission' (we put it in quotes because he says things like 'I admit to being naive' which are attempts to remove some culpability on his part).  If you look at the sh*t shows that guys like Bonds, McGwire, Palmeiro etc have/are going through, the best course is to come clean.  Of course A-Rod came about as clean as a pair of underwear worn by a man for 52 days in a row.

-We're still taken aback at all the 'surprise' that people seem to be feeling.  Everyone knew.  It was around.  Guys that we played with in summer ball, guys that we knew from being around baseball etc. everyone of them had a story about a guy who was using or whole teams using, clubhouse attendants going on roid runs like they were picking up soda, and so on.  Everyone knew.

-We get upset at the 'moral outrage' of columnists/pundits (like the NY writer who said the yankees should release A-Rod no matter what the cost).  It's so easy to 'take a stand' against this sort of thing.  They can't affect wether or not a guy is allowed to play so they strike in the only forum they can, Hall of Fame voting.  Because they don't sit on MLB rules committees, or participate in hearings, or have any influence on who is allowed to play, they use their little pulpits to express their opinions.  We get annoyed at sportswriters inserting themselves in the debate.

-Of course it's long overdue to have effective testing.  No one should argue differently.  No one was complaining after the strike, when all the homeruns and Cal's streak brought fans back.  It's the dirty little secret that owners turned a blind eye and rewarded guys with deals.  For every A-Rod, there were 3 dozen guys who were just trying to get 1 big free agent deal.

-We ask where you draw the line.  Meaning, we all agree that roids are wrong.  Fine.  But, 162 over 7 months is beyond hard.  Can guys not take caffeine pills but drink strong coffee?  Can guys not eat lots of carbs on gamedays because they can get energy?  What suppliments are OK and what are not?  Everyone's body is different so a suppliment might not help one guy but change another's entire game.  It's a weird time because we don't know where you can draw the line.

-In sum, we're not bothered by guys that did it.  It's easy to cast a stone, call it wrong, and move on.  We for one, don't particularly care if a guy did or didn't.  The culture rewarded it and now, the culture is being changed.  Each player had to live with his decisions, weighing $ against long term health, his chance to keep his dream alive for another season or 2 against begging for a spring training invite while ignoring the writing on every wall.  Pro sports are merciless and cruel.  99% of the time, guys are let go without ceremony and the season goes on.  Guys that have worked their entire lives have everything they know taken away from them by a handshake from an assistant GM who has a computer program that measures defensive efficiency.  We don't care.  Make your choices but be prepared to live with them.

Waiting for Manny

Baseball free agency this year is weird.  The first round of players got signed in a timely manner and the process played out like a normal off-season.  Then something happened or rather, stopped happening.  Teams are refusing to pony up ANY money whatsoever to sign players that could help them.

The trend now in MLB is to grow your own talent within the organization.  It was such a profound trend that it led the Yankees last year to refuse to deal prospects for the best pitcher of this generation who, by all accounts, has several great years left.  Now, those prospects who were 'untouchable', will not even make the rotation this year or next.  Ask a real Yankee fan about Phillip Hughes and they might punch your mouth.

Look at this:

Bobby Abreu, Garrett Anderson, Orlando Cabrerra, Adam Dunn, Orlando Hudson, Ivan Rodriguez, Ben Sheets, Randy Wolf, and of course, Manny Ramirez.

You're telling me that nobody wants to nut up and toss a 2 year deal for a guy that gets on base at close to a 40% clip and has had huge years outside the Bronx?  Nobody needs a 20/20 guy that scores 100 runs a year?  Memo to every team that didn't win the world series: Abreu could help you.

What about a Gold Glove 2nd baseman that hits around .300?  Oh, so you're all set with the USS Belly-ard Nationals?

We really don't get this.  The point is to win the championship and there are guys out there right now who could help teams do that but whatever.  It's like so many teams are feeding their fans horsepoop and somehow, we are eating it and asking for more.  How is this acceptable?  We need the Bureau of Fan Intervention like never before.

We're sure you all saw the news that Manny Ramirez turned down the Dodgers 1 year/$25 million offer.

http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/news/story?id=3880836

Lots of columnists (like Bill Simmons: http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/eticket/story?page=manny) don't understand why teams aren't clamoring to sign Manny.  These guys point to his .396 average in his time with the Dodgers, his career totals, and the 'raw deal' he got from Boston.

These guys don't get it.  Here's why with some bullet points which means that the points are valid:

-.396 just proves he was tanking in Boston.  No one thinks he's not capable.  Everyone knows he is.  It's just that Manny has entered Bondsian territory of being more trouble than he is worth.

-If you think Boras manipulated Manny and are giving him a pass (you're wrong), say you're right, what makes you think you won't have to go through something else?  Boras forcing a trade, voiding a deal and seeking a raise when the economy gets better, or any of the millions of other things that Manny does that are a nightmare for any team.

-If you think Manny will behave himself, what are you basing that on?  If you think he's motivated by personal milestones, you don't know enough things.  You don't know about how the Indians had to beg Manny not to take days off when he was chasing Hack Wilson's RBI record.  You don't know how the Tribe front office couldn't wait to be rid of the daily headache of assigning an army of attendants to make sure their professional hitter was where he was supposed to be.

-If you are one of those dudes that goes: 'Manny being Manny' then you shouldn't be allowed to have cable.  That's a press invention.  If you played sports beyond 8th grade, you know the truth.  Guys like that disrupt your team.  The rules that everyone else has to play by don't apply to a 'star' and it ruins things.  It's a fracture and it's always at the forefront, always discussed, debated, and analyzed.  You answer questions about it, you fight with your teammates about it, and you suffer because one guy isn't accountable to his teammates.  To a young team or a team that is learning how to win, this can be the kiss of death.

-If you do sign him at this point, you are getting a guy that can hit.  When will he hit?  You think he'll be a happy little soldier because you low-balled him and earned his services because no one else would?  You think this pouting, tanking, space cadet will want to show up and play hard for you?  You have to look at the whole body of work, not just the most recent.  3 months of good citizenship?  Not enough for us, at least not at that price.

The Bureau of Fan Intervention

Enough is enough.  We're over here watching these absurd baseball trades going down.  There are more coming.  We also sit by while NBA teams make horrible trades to 'clear cap space'.  

'OK... so we'll give you Marcus Camby for those really cool shoes you had on when we met in Phoenix and that recipe for caramel brownies... I know, caramel is so delicious but no one ever mentions it! ...  Anyway, enjoy Marcus for nothing in return.  I'm gonna go back and figure out a way to word the increase in parking costs so it sounds less menacing.'

Since Pres-elect Obama is going to come strong with the power of the government, Gus Johnson's Whisper wants to create 'The Bureau of Fan Intervention'.

Here's how it works:

-A bi-partisan group of neutral sports fans and astute members of the fan base (you can't have haters on there.  Like, if we were on the BFI for the Cowboys, we'd sabotage the team... wait, maybe we'd just let them run it like they are?  Tough to say... you get the point).  We're thinking 9 people.  The fans of a team must answer questionnaires and score highly on all categories that would include: general knowledge of the sport, team history, current make-up, league trends, and depending on the sport, must be able to throw a football through a tire from 20 yards, hit a baseball out of the infield, make a free throw.  We don't want a bunch of Costases running around.

-The group would convene several times per year, right before the trading deadline, before the draft, and constantly through free agency.  Both future moves and past moves of the current regime would be analyzed.

-Major team decisions are put on trial.  If a GM/management team can show good cause, the move passes.  If not, besides not allowing the move, fans that have been priced out receive discounted tickets for (10 home games in baseball, 5 in basketball, and 1 non-preseason game in the NFL).

-Any move where 'cash considerations' are involved is summarily dismissed.

-Any series of moves, like the Padres past (and current!) fire sale, result in an immediate forfeit of the team by the ownership.  The panel will then determine if the GM was hamstrung or complicit in the decisions.  If he was in on it, he will be fired and then be forced to purchase season tickets in the 'club level' and watch every home game from said seats where he will wear a sign on his back that says 'I created this mess.  I was the GM when the decisions were made'.

-Not all teams have to try to win every year.  If some semblance of a plan can be demonstrated, the moves will be allowed to pass.  Sometimes plans don't work out.  Sometimes you swing and miss.

-Any trade where a star is traded for an aging player who is more of a name (think Shaq for Sean Marion), will require the franchise to give front row seats to people with IQ's below 80 who are excited because they recognize the name of the aging star and are not capable of perceiving his drop in production.

-Any time an organization wants to not acquire a star because they over-inflate the value of their own prospects (think yankees ball-washing the likes of Phillip Hughes instead of dealing him for JOHAN SANTANA!), said prospects must be introduced before every home game as 'here's the guy we wouldn't trade for ____'.

-Any time a team sells off a draft pick because they don't want to pay them, every fan who attends a home game for the 1st half of the season gets to take 5 jumpers/warm-up pitches/field goal attempts on the field/court while the home team is warming up.  This will fill the void of the player that should have been (think phoenix suns selling 1st round draft picks every year)

-If a team bids against itself and overpays a player, each owner must give the exact amount of the overbid to a local charity.  If there is that much cash around, you need better outlets.  (think Gilbert Arenas and the Wizards)

-If there is a shady move, a cheap-a$$ move, or other shenanigans (think again of the Wizards keeping Etan Thomas on the active roster all last year after he had OPEN HEART SURGERY so the team was always a man short instead of paying another FA to come in and take the roster spot).  A fan, determined by a lottery before every game, will get to dress with the team and go through pre-game warm-ups.  If the game is out of reach as determined by a pre-determined set of rules, said fan will be allowed on the field of play and take whatever position he wants.  Example, We'd never let the opposing QB kneel down.  Ever.  We'd line up at nose guard and declare: 'are you going to kneel down?'  if they answered yes, we'd just kick the ball away from the center.  After it was returned, we'd ask again.  Repeat.  Until the answer is no.  Too many fantasy matchups for wasted plays.

Thems the rules.  We welcome suggestions before we take our bi-laws to the various league offices.