The Rise and Fall of Cities

Sports are built on cycles. The seasons, the ups and downs, dominance and rebuilding, and steroid cycles also...

Lots of cities have gone through really sucky periods in their sports history. Being in a losing city is like getting punched by a boxer in the stomach when you least expect it every day. Since no one watches boxing anymore, we'll go through each city's 'downtime' and give you a boxer.

Washington, DC: Bernard Hopkins.

It's happening right now people. We are DC guys and it sucks to be a fan of DC sports these days. We picked Hopkins because he is annoying strategist kind of fighter that might hit you in the nutsos when the official has his head turned. The Caps just lost to the Pittsburgh Voldemorts, the Nationals spent $9 on their payroll and their pitching would not win prizes at fairgrounds where you have to knock things over with a ball, the Wizards just got a Superfly Snooka Elbow with the 5th pick in the draft and are locked into the same perennial 6 seed roster for the next several years... and the Redskins... ugh. At least the ownership doesn't get it. Every offseason there is a yardsale and a gongshow outside Redskins Park. Trading Campbell, the Cutler shabingus, the Haynesworth contract, and the general unwillingness to actually build a team through the draft like... ALL THE OTHER SUCCESSFUL TEAMS EVER.

Philadelphia: George Foreman.

This is the angry George Foreman who used to be a baddass and punched really hard. Before the Phillies title last year, the went 25 years without a major sports title and just a few whiffs of success. For us, we like it when they don't get stuff because we hate that city like we hate tapas. Order your own food bruh. We're gonna order what we want and no I don't want to share your kelp. Think about Vinny Derucci with his McNabb jersey leaving the Vet after a playoff collapse. That's a George Forman 1973 gut punch.

Cleveland: Mike Tyson.

Now, this is Cleveland's entire sports history before Lebron. Now, a pro sports title is plausible as long as he's in town and allowed to travel in crunch time and have anyone that fouls him fined by the league. But before Lebron (BL)? They were famous for 'being on the court/field while another team had a great moment'. From Ehlo to Renteria, these fans were getting Mike Tyson in his prime drilled in the gut. Also, Cleveland is in Cleveland.

Seattle: Mohammed Ali.

They LOST A BASKETBALL TEAM! The Mariners have 1 meaningful playoff series win in their history (that great series vs the Yankees when Jr. scored from first on Edgar's double). This town of angst is getting punched all the time from all different angles like Ali used to drop on his opponents. Why does the side of my face hurt? Who hit me? Who hit me just then and where is my tooth?

Detroit: The Angry Mob in the movie Police Academy.

0-16, the Pistons wilting, the Tigers kind of treading water. Things are not awesome in Rock City these days. We actually saw an ad on tv with Kid Rock trying to get people to come to Detroit. That's like having one of those prostitutes from that HBO show about prostitutes in Atlantic City trying to get you to visit Atlantic City and to bring your whole family.

Kansas City: Ricardo Mayorga.

No one talks about him and he is nasty. He is like a quiet assassin. Similarly, no one talks about how crappy it is a Kansas City fan. The Royals were good almost 30 years ago. They are now a glorified developmental program for future stars. They're off to a nice start this year. How many of you out there see that lasting? They are one Grienke anxiety attack away from winning 9 games the rest of the year. The fans are getting punched in the tummy everyday with their 2nd class citizenship. No other teams to root for either. It's a... what's that? The Chiefs are still there? Really? You just don't hear about them for so long... well anyway, the Chiefs suck too.

Oakland: Evander Holyfield.

Evander was one of the hardest working men ever. And Oakland works hard to tag their fans with speed bag punches to the bread basket. For all the 'Moneyball' hype, the As never won squat. They have made a huge number of terrible deals for prospects that have worked out like a turd sandwhich social. And the Raiders? How about the worst owner in pro sports outworking every other owner to shaft the fans of a once storied franchise?

There you have it, the fans of these cities are or were getting gut punched on the regular. Sucks to be a fan these days.

AL Baseball Bands

Here's an MLB preview after more than a week of games. It's how Gus Johnson's Whisper rolls. AL teams as bands:

AL EAST:

Tampa Bay Rays: The Killers. This band was all the rage. They took the world by storm and were in everyone's Ipod rotation. Then, all of a sudden, everyone was bored with them. Young talent! Maybe they overachieved last year, maybe you shouldn't need Jason Bartlett to hit .381, and maybe karma punches your shins because you kept David Price in the minors to avoid paying him money... whatever.

New York Yankees: The Rolling Stones. You have to pay what for a ticket????? Lot of name recognition, just hard to justify the price tag. The SS Sabathia should be striking dudes out on 2 pitches for that kind of money.

Boston Red Sox: The Grateful Dead. The most annoying fans in the world and a band that really isn't that good. Ortiz has a lot of Jerry parallels and their pitching (after a healthy Beckett) scares no one. 'No man, this bootleg is awesome... they go from Magnolia back into John's Cabin back into Ophelia and then into Trucking'. Translation: Pedroia is annoying because of the dumb way he wears his hat.

Toronto Blue Jays: Arcade Fire. Only the awkwardly hardcore fans know about them. Then, these hardcore fans are so over the top about how good they are, the group somehow becomes overrated. Aaron Hill!!!!!!

Baltimore Orioles: The Mickey Mouse Club. There are some stars in the room... you just have to wait until they grow up.

AL Central

Cleveland Indians: The guys that sung that song about walking 1000 miles and then walking another 1000 miles after that so they ended up walking over 2000 miles and have terrible pitching.

Detroit Tigers: Rage Against the Machine. Loud and with something to say. You can't ignore them and Jim Leyland smokes cigarettes.

Kansas City Royals: Bare Naked Ladies. 'I just made you say underwear.'

Minnesota Twins: Creedence Clearwater Revival. They did more with less (3 guys) and they kept it simple. The Twins are gonna pitch, play D, and bunt/hit and run and CCR is gonna kep getting royalties off of Chronicle.

Chicago White Sox: The Clash. A truly nasty band that no one talks about because they are not the first group people think of when they think about their home (London and Chicago). All they do is make good music and rip mediocre pitching.

AL West:

Seattle Mariners: Stone Temple Pilots. A bit obvious but not why you think judgmental jim. It's because the hot start won't translate for the whole season. That's why.

Los Angeles Angels: Jackson Browne. It's because they're 'Running on Empty'. Vlad is 1000 years old in June, pitchers are dropping like heavy objects, and they don't really scare you on offense anymore.

Texas Rangers: Megadeath. They can swing it which is the equivalent of playing really loudly. They pitch like we crochet.

Oakland Athletics: Creed. Would you buy a ticket to see this group? Ladies and gentlemen, it's Dana Eveland and Travis Buck! Can you taaaaaaaaaaake me hiiiiiiii-yer.

We'll rock the NL later this week.