East Coast Bias and the Oscars

Congratulations have to go to East Coast Bias, a quality sports blog that is well written and humorous.  We're not mad, you snooze, you let someone else post your idea first.

We were going to write this very column when the calendar turned to March:

http://www.east-coast-bias.com/2009/02/bracket-time-is-coming-best-of-gus.html

Well, ECB, did it in February.  Right in our mouthpieces.  They were ahead of the curve over there.

We'll now lay down in the fetal for a spell, thinking about what we've done.

We'll toss this clip in because it's all we have:

Last random thought, did anyone watch the Oscars last night?  We felt like, with every award read outloud, they should have said: 'And for some reason, not the Dark Knight.'  What disrespect.

A Fan in December

This is what it's like to be a Redskins fan on a Sunday in December. Produced by Gus Johnson's Whisper correspondent, Danny Rouhier.



Enjoy.

The Vasgersian

It sounds like a deviant sexual maneuver doesn't it?  It's not.  Well, maybe it is.  Maybe someone out there is as weird as we are and figured out what we're about to tell you.  Note: that person needs help.  If you know them, don't turn your back on them.

If you're an NFL fan, you're probably a bit delusional about your team.  You believe they'll pull it out, or bring it in a big game, or even show the world that they are a force to be reckoned with on a Sunday or Monday night.  The reality?  Unless you are a fan of 1 of 3 teams over the past 5 years, you're delusional.  You're squad, in all likelihood, is in the perpetual mediocre cesspool of 'if we win our next 3, and they lose 2 and they lose to one of the teams we beat we can get the #6 seed'.  You need to know the truth NFL fan.  You want to know what the networks are doing to tell you where your team stands?

The networks that cover the games have a hierarchy.  For Fox, it goes like this:

-Buck/Aikman- According to Troy, Joe Buck has never been wrong.  

-Albert/Johnston/Siragusa - The Goose says: 'they didn't even get a hand on him on that play'.  (5 seconds pause because they are worried that Goose will shout something else) Albert says - 'so, the Falcons will try the extra point...'

-Stockton/Baldinger- The Baldinger pinky needs its own horror movie.

-Rosen/Ryan- 'Do you know us?  We just call the game and offer insight.  Sorry we're this low.'

-Pitts/Boselli- Pitts plays tricks on Boselli.  He says things like: 'if you were an expansion team now, what position would you draft first?'

-Brennaman/Billick- 'Trust me Baltimore, I know quarterbacks."

-Vasgersian/JC Pierce: (Fan) 'Who?  Is that the guy from Celebrity Blackjack?'

If you go an entire season without getting a Vasgersian dropped on you, your team is relevant.  But, if you tune in, and you are treated to the melody of Matt Vasgersian and JC 'The Carpenter" Pierce, your team is off the radar.  Sorry Seattle Seahawks and Washington Redskins.  The networks dropped a Vasgersian on you this weekend.  Skins fans, you think you're squad is in the hunt right?  7-4 seems like a good place to be doesn't it?  Well, the good people at Fox are renting a regulation harness, a pulley system, and some high tension wire.  Then they are dropping a hot, sweaty Vasgersian on your chest while you try to sleep.  It's a shock.  Minding your business and then you get smacked in the mouth with a little:

MV: 'Matt Vasgersian and JC Pierce with you for the second half in Seattle.  And JC, the Redskins are moving the ball but they're not scoring a ton of points.'

JC The Carpenter: 'You're absolutely right Matt.  The Redskins just aren't coming away with points.  If you're Jim Zorn, you've got to be concerned about that.'

(cut to Redskins fan standing in his living room staggering like a boxer getting a standing 8 count.  He's holding a beer in his left hand and a chip with some dip in his right hand.  The dip falls to the floor in slow motion as a sad high-voiced song plays like one of those in the movies that mean a character has sacrificed himself to save someone else and they have to let him go.  As the dip hits the carpet, deep drum beat.  The fan casts his gaze to the ground.  He looks back up at the tv with a hollow look of disbelief.  On screen, the referees gather to decide if a player was offside or if there was a false start.  JC says that a false start is 'inexcusable right there'.  The refs determine that it was an off-sides penalty.  Pierce explains why no offensive player should ever false start.  The fan closes his eyes because he now knows the truth.)

NFL football fans beware.  The Vasgersian is lurking.  It could happen at any moment.  Look at your roster, your schedule, and your results this year.  Make an honest assessment.  If you prepare yourself, the shock of a Vasgersian won't be as traumatic.  We can save lives.

Otherwise... You Make a Move

Here at Gus Johnson's Whisper, we love to analyze things.  Here is something that has needed analyzing for many years.  The following is a transcript of the conversation between Tony Montana and Alejandro Sosa.  This is the part where Sosa questions if Tony is trustworthy and Tony's response:

Sosa: So how do I know

you're not a chivato, too, Tony?

                   

Tony: Let's get this straight now.

                   

I never fucked anybody over in my life

who didn't have it coming. You got that?

           

All I have in this world is my balls

and my word and I don't break them...                   

...for no one, you understand?

                   

That piece of shit up there,

I never like him, I never trusted him.

                   

For all I know, he had me set up and

had my friend, Angel Fernandez, killed.

                   

But that's history. I'm here, he's not.

                   

You want to go on with me, say it.

You don't, then you make a move.

We tried to find a clip of that to give you a visual but we couldn't.  You all know what we're talking about though.  Tony is standing on Sosa's property, surrounded by armed guards, no allies for hundreds of miles, and no chance of escape.  He offered Sosa a choice: 

Option 1: If it is your desire to do business with me, I am amenable to this.  I only ask that you voice this desire at this time.

Option 2: If you do not wish to conduct business with me for any reason, not only do I understand, but I ask that you initiate an action that will undoubtedly result in my death.

Sosa, of course, chose option 1 and the movie goes on.  But what if he had chosen option 2?  What does Tony Montana do right there?  The breakdown:

-Tony tries to take Sosa hostage and make an escape.

Why it could work: Sosa is the boss and has tons of power.  He could order his small army to stand down; figuring that he could take Tony and everyone he has ever cared for out later.  So he might let Tony get out of there and get back home to Miami.

Why it wouldn't work: Tony presumably has no weapon.  How is he going to take Sosa hostage?  With awesomeness?  You can't take a guy in a choke hold for hundreds of miles without something going wrong.  Even a dude that was a master at choke holds like the semi-famous 'Choke Hold Jones' that used to roam the streets of Boulder, CO offering choke hold demonstrations to choke hold fans and novices who weren't really sure about their feelings on choke holds and they would need a choke hold demonstration from a choke hold master to render a verdict.  Tony Montana, for all that he was, was not Choke Hold Jones.

-Tony tries to knock Sosa out then hide in the surrounding jungle

Why it could work: Tony sucker punches Sosa and knocks him out.  If none of the guard army sees this, he can run through the vast cocaine fields and off of Sosa's property and into the jungle.  Maybe he lives off the land for a while because he was in the army in Cuba and changes his appearance.  Maybe he can smuggle himself into the US and start again by explaining to Frank Lopez that not only is Omar Suarez dead, but Sosa turned down a business proposition and opted to have me murdered...

Why it wouldn't work: Huge 'if' on the guards not seeing him and Tony making it off the property, huge!  But say that he does get by them, makes his way through the vast fields of ye-yo (is that how you spell that?  Whatever.), and then hides out in the jungle.  Tony is a big city guy, Havana and then Miami.  He's not a hobbit who lives off the land.  Are you calling Tony Montana a hobbit?  Because he is not.  He is a political prisoner from Cuba and he wants his basic human rights... not hobbit rights.

-Tony backs off his previous hardline stance and offers another alternative

Why it could work: The idea that one has to do business with someone or murder them in cold blood seems a bit extreme no?  'Sir, would you like to purchase these goods?... No?  Very well.  I will now stab your neck with my shank.'  Bit extreme.  So Tony might have been able to reason with Sosa.

Why it wouldn't work: Come on bruh.  This is not an option.  How can Tony roll like that?  It would be like him saying: 'All I have in this world are my balls and my word... unless that's not cool with you.  Let's work it out Mr. Sosa.  What's it gonna take for me to get you in a new Chevy Aveo today?'  No chance.

In conclusion, the ballsiness of of saying 'do business with me or murder me' is the opposite of buying a Chevy Aveo.

People We Think Are Bamas Part VI

It’s Friday. It means it’s time for another edition of People We Think Are Bamas. This week’s bama: Mario Lopez.

 

Are you a Time or Newsweek guy? Are you a Democrat or Republican? Coke or Pepsi? Zelda or Mario? Xbox or Playstation? Zack or Slater? 

You can only be one. And during the Saved By the Bell years, you were either a Zack guy or a Slater guy. We were Slater guys. Zack annoyed the beans out of us. He was touching Kelly Kapowlski more often than Slater but it didn’t matter.  Albert Clifford was tighter.  He was a better athlete than Zack and this is a sports blog.  Zack was only randomly good at basketball for one episode and he tweaked his knee and couldn't play hurt.  Why don't you stop time and take some of the mousse out of your dew their broheim?  What's that NYPD Blue?  Why don't you get a 1502 on your SAT's by sitting next to Christine Taylor before she starred on 'Hey Dude' on Nickelodeon and get out of our faces?  Anyway, we liked Slater. 

Now?  He is a complete bama. He blows lines. He cheated on his fiancé Ali Landry. Wazzupwiddat? Yeah, Ali Landry. Look it up. He hosted dumb shows. Miss America. Pet Star on Animal Planet. 

What annoys us most about him? Well, there’s the whole cheating thing. Like, he wants to make it cool that he cheated on an awesome girl whose life he ruined. Like “Ha, ha. Yeah, I cheated on her. It was incredible.” Come on, man. Take a bath in a flaming lava pit. Assassinate yourself with a crossbow. 

But this is what makes him a total bama: he tries to be all pseudo hip hop now with that MTV America’s Best Dance Troup or Group or whatever show. “AHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhh Yeeeeeeeeeeaaaaah, make some noizzzzzzzzzzzzeeeee for my booyyyyyyyyyyz the Jaberwockeeeeeeeeezzzzz.” Don’t be all hip hop Mario. Respect yourself before you wriggidy wreck yourself, AC. 

We don’t know why this annoys us so much but it does. Just don’t be all hip hop if you aren’t.  Here's the thing, if he was always all hip-hop, then that's his deal and we can get annoyed for other reasons.  But you know what?  He was one of the dudes on the male version of 'The View'.  You cannot be a sensa-male on daytime then go hip-hop style on MTV asking the Boogie Bots to step up and represent their hood.

And the rampant blowing of lines is so annoying too. You know the terrible dudes you meet at parties who like really want you to know they blow lines without actually saying “I blow lines because I went from wanting a quick high to not being able to deal in any social situation involving more than one person other than myself”? They have this sort of smile and over-the-top firm handshake that makes them fart because they press so hard. You all know who I’m talking about? This is Mario Lopez. When he gets up on his show, that poop-eating smile he gives you says, “I’m out here right now all wholesome and semi-hip-hop, but when we go to commercial, I’m going to snort one down, neck with the underwhelming production assistant, touch the sides of my awkward hair down, snort another one down, grab my junk, and then come back out in under 60 seconds. And you’ll still think I’m the good hip-hop.”

Ugh, just thinking about him sickens us. We’re out. 

The Bureau of Fan Intervention

Enough is enough.  We're over here watching these absurd baseball trades going down.  There are more coming.  We also sit by while NBA teams make horrible trades to 'clear cap space'.  

'OK... so we'll give you Marcus Camby for those really cool shoes you had on when we met in Phoenix and that recipe for caramel brownies... I know, caramel is so delicious but no one ever mentions it! ...  Anyway, enjoy Marcus for nothing in return.  I'm gonna go back and figure out a way to word the increase in parking costs so it sounds less menacing.'

Since Pres-elect Obama is going to come strong with the power of the government, Gus Johnson's Whisper wants to create 'The Bureau of Fan Intervention'.

Here's how it works:

-A bi-partisan group of neutral sports fans and astute members of the fan base (you can't have haters on there.  Like, if we were on the BFI for the Cowboys, we'd sabotage the team... wait, maybe we'd just let them run it like they are?  Tough to say... you get the point).  We're thinking 9 people.  The fans of a team must answer questionnaires and score highly on all categories that would include: general knowledge of the sport, team history, current make-up, league trends, and depending on the sport, must be able to throw a football through a tire from 20 yards, hit a baseball out of the infield, make a free throw.  We don't want a bunch of Costases running around.

-The group would convene several times per year, right before the trading deadline, before the draft, and constantly through free agency.  Both future moves and past moves of the current regime would be analyzed.

-Major team decisions are put on trial.  If a GM/management team can show good cause, the move passes.  If not, besides not allowing the move, fans that have been priced out receive discounted tickets for (10 home games in baseball, 5 in basketball, and 1 non-preseason game in the NFL).

-Any move where 'cash considerations' are involved is summarily dismissed.

-Any series of moves, like the Padres past (and current!) fire sale, result in an immediate forfeit of the team by the ownership.  The panel will then determine if the GM was hamstrung or complicit in the decisions.  If he was in on it, he will be fired and then be forced to purchase season tickets in the 'club level' and watch every home game from said seats where he will wear a sign on his back that says 'I created this mess.  I was the GM when the decisions were made'.

-Not all teams have to try to win every year.  If some semblance of a plan can be demonstrated, the moves will be allowed to pass.  Sometimes plans don't work out.  Sometimes you swing and miss.

-Any trade where a star is traded for an aging player who is more of a name (think Shaq for Sean Marion), will require the franchise to give front row seats to people with IQ's below 80 who are excited because they recognize the name of the aging star and are not capable of perceiving his drop in production.

-Any time an organization wants to not acquire a star because they over-inflate the value of their own prospects (think yankees ball-washing the likes of Phillip Hughes instead of dealing him for JOHAN SANTANA!), said prospects must be introduced before every home game as 'here's the guy we wouldn't trade for ____'.

-Any time a team sells off a draft pick because they don't want to pay them, every fan who attends a home game for the 1st half of the season gets to take 5 jumpers/warm-up pitches/field goal attempts on the field/court while the home team is warming up.  This will fill the void of the player that should have been (think phoenix suns selling 1st round draft picks every year)

-If a team bids against itself and overpays a player, each owner must give the exact amount of the overbid to a local charity.  If there is that much cash around, you need better outlets.  (think Gilbert Arenas and the Wizards)

-If there is a shady move, a cheap-a$$ move, or other shenanigans (think again of the Wizards keeping Etan Thomas on the active roster all last year after he had OPEN HEART SURGERY so the team was always a man short instead of paying another FA to come in and take the roster spot).  A fan, determined by a lottery before every game, will get to dress with the team and go through pre-game warm-ups.  If the game is out of reach as determined by a pre-determined set of rules, said fan will be allowed on the field of play and take whatever position he wants.  Example, We'd never let the opposing QB kneel down.  Ever.  We'd line up at nose guard and declare: 'are you going to kneel down?'  if they answered yes, we'd just kick the ball away from the center.  After it was returned, we'd ask again.  Repeat.  Until the answer is no.  Too many fantasy matchups for wasted plays.

Thems the rules.  We welcome suggestions before we take our bi-laws to the various league offices.