East Coast Bias and the Oscars

Congratulations have to go to East Coast Bias, a quality sports blog that is well written and humorous.  We're not mad, you snooze, you let someone else post your idea first.

We were going to write this very column when the calendar turned to March:

http://www.east-coast-bias.com/2009/02/bracket-time-is-coming-best-of-gus.html

Well, ECB, did it in February.  Right in our mouthpieces.  They were ahead of the curve over there.

We'll now lay down in the fetal for a spell, thinking about what we've done.

We'll toss this clip in because it's all we have:

Last random thought, did anyone watch the Oscars last night?  We felt like, with every award read outloud, they should have said: 'And for some reason, not the Dark Knight.'  What disrespect.

I Feel Deep Regret

By now, you've all seen it.  If you haven't, being Amish in 2009 must be going great:

http://espn.go.com/video/clip?id=3895585&categoryid=2521705

It's the complete Alex Rodriguez interview with Peter Gammons.

Yawn.

A-Rod has been schooled in phony PR since he was an 18 year old senior at Miami Dade Christian High School.  He never speaks out of turn, always says 'the right thing', and is generally as boring and manufactured a media figure as you'll find.  It's smart though.  People can't stand this guy and yet, he mints money.  He's in everything and has signed 2 different 10 year contract worth over $25o million.  Have you met my friend here, Mr Ho-Lee Sheet?

Here is the official reaction of Gus Johnson's Whisper to these developments;

-He did himself a service by his 'admission' (we put it in quotes because he says things like 'I admit to being naive' which are attempts to remove some culpability on his part).  If you look at the sh*t shows that guys like Bonds, McGwire, Palmeiro etc have/are going through, the best course is to come clean.  Of course A-Rod came about as clean as a pair of underwear worn by a man for 52 days in a row.

-We're still taken aback at all the 'surprise' that people seem to be feeling.  Everyone knew.  It was around.  Guys that we played with in summer ball, guys that we knew from being around baseball etc. everyone of them had a story about a guy who was using or whole teams using, clubhouse attendants going on roid runs like they were picking up soda, and so on.  Everyone knew.

-We get upset at the 'moral outrage' of columnists/pundits (like the NY writer who said the yankees should release A-Rod no matter what the cost).  It's so easy to 'take a stand' against this sort of thing.  They can't affect wether or not a guy is allowed to play so they strike in the only forum they can, Hall of Fame voting.  Because they don't sit on MLB rules committees, or participate in hearings, or have any influence on who is allowed to play, they use their little pulpits to express their opinions.  We get annoyed at sportswriters inserting themselves in the debate.

-Of course it's long overdue to have effective testing.  No one should argue differently.  No one was complaining after the strike, when all the homeruns and Cal's streak brought fans back.  It's the dirty little secret that owners turned a blind eye and rewarded guys with deals.  For every A-Rod, there were 3 dozen guys who were just trying to get 1 big free agent deal.

-We ask where you draw the line.  Meaning, we all agree that roids are wrong.  Fine.  But, 162 over 7 months is beyond hard.  Can guys not take caffeine pills but drink strong coffee?  Can guys not eat lots of carbs on gamedays because they can get energy?  What suppliments are OK and what are not?  Everyone's body is different so a suppliment might not help one guy but change another's entire game.  It's a weird time because we don't know where you can draw the line.

-In sum, we're not bothered by guys that did it.  It's easy to cast a stone, call it wrong, and move on.  We for one, don't particularly care if a guy did or didn't.  The culture rewarded it and now, the culture is being changed.  Each player had to live with his decisions, weighing $ against long term health, his chance to keep his dream alive for another season or 2 against begging for a spring training invite while ignoring the writing on every wall.  Pro sports are merciless and cruel.  99% of the time, guys are let go without ceremony and the season goes on.  Guys that have worked their entire lives have everything they know taken away from them by a handshake from an assistant GM who has a computer program that measures defensive efficiency.  We don't care.  Make your choices but be prepared to live with them.

National Signing Day and Sitcoms

There are lots of things that Gus Johnson's Whisper loves (fast Americans at the Olympics, a well run fast break, making the extra pass, and Star Wars).  There are also lots of things that Gus Johnson's Whisper hates.  One object of our venom are recruiting class rankings.  

Like these: http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2009/football/ncaa/02/03/team-rankings/index.html?eref=T1

Lots of reasons for this and here are some of them:

-Players gain reputations and hype and this leads to an inflation/deflation of rankings

-If these scouts were actually correct, dudes like Drew Henson would have led the Patriots to 3 Superbowls.

-It is near impossible to compare the thousands of levels of football across America. Making tangible comparisons when there is such a huge disparity of talent is fruitless.

It's that last point that led to this blog.  We're going to make tangible comparisons... between the top football powers and chicks from sitcoms from when we were little.

#1 Alabama: Shelly Long. 

Making your way in the world today takes everything you got. Having a scumbag coach who can really recruit, sure does cost a lot.  See what we did there?  We never got why Shelly Long got more than a minute of Sam's time.  She was so high-maintencey; a quasi-hot chick that wasn't likeable.  You know Alabama, with their #1 recruiting class in tow, will get smoked by someone.  You know this because they'll have some 3-named quarterback who gets pummeled so hard, the hair that comes out of the back of his helmet uncurls.

#2 LSU: Justine Bateman. 

 

The show was obviously incredible and in our opinion, she was the glue guy.  She took the charges, was sweated by Skippy and every other male 80s child, and always had at least 1 great line per show.  That's how LSU is.  The SEC is always raw and it's these guys, year in and year out running 22 athletes out there, that make the conference the place of naked anger.

#3 USC: Alyssa Milano. 

 

Name someone hotter than Samantha Micelli in season 5 of Who's the Boss for a male under 14.  You can't.  You would watch that show even if it meant putting up with Danny Pintauro (The Pete Carroll of Sitcom stars).  You also know that USC will be right there in the hunt.  You also know that all that talent will occasionally have an F-up (Like Mrs. Rossini accidentally burning the Lasagna).  There will be hiccups but talent wins.

#4 THE ohio state university: Markie Post. 

 

Boooorrrrrriiiiiing.  They'll win the Big-10 then get mooshed in a bowl.  We get it, John Laroquette likes sex and Christine doesn't want to sleep with him.  At least Harry Anderson (Terrell Pryor) can do a magic trick or 2 to make the 30 minutes seem slightly more bearable.  

#5 Texas: Danica McKellar. 

 

Winnie Cooper.  Every male in the world has a Winnie Cooper.  Fact.  That's what made this show so special.  Every male has someone that he hyped up so much in his mind that he couldn't see straight, that cost him his judgment, and made him a wreck.  For Texas fans, Colt McCoy is your Winnie Cooper.

#6 Florida State: Tracy Gold.

  

Winning the ACC is like having a know-it-all goodie goodie sister that stands in the way of Mike Seaver nailing bait like a carpenter.

#7 Michigan: Nancy Mckeon.

 

An also ran on a show of also-rans.

#8 UNC: Missy Gold. 

 

Who is that?  She's from where?  Benson?  That was a show?  Really?  7 seasons?  That show ran for 7 seasons?  No f-ing way.  

#9 Georgia: Nicole Eggert.

 

Sexy pick.  They started 2008 as the #1 team in the country and they ended up on Howard Stern begging for an acting role.  Charles in Charge indeed.

#10 Florida: Soliel Moon Frye.

  

Listen, everyone knew she was going to be hot.  Adults watched the show, they knew.  Kids that watched the show, they knew.  Everyone on set and at the network, you best believe they were in the know.  It's inevitable.  You think the Florida kids are worried because Alabama had a great recruiting year?  You think Soliel looked across the lot and was worried because they were filming Small Wonder?

Where's the Hype?

Did you even remember that the Superbowl is this week?  Who's having a party?  Are you sure what you're doing yet?  We at Gus Johnson's Whisper feel like we are not alone in this awkward feeling of this boring Superbowl week.  There's no hype.  The best we get are dumb articles by chooches like Peter King where he's all: 'that's not the only connection between these two franchises.  Turns out that Byron Rando, the former equipment manager with the Steelers, was lured away when Ken Wisenhunt took the job in Arizona.  This game means a lot to him.'

Seriously, check it: 

http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2009/writers/peter_king/01/25/walkup/index.html

Weird.  How is that possible?  Oh, you mean in a small league where there is a personnel carousel, a former coach or player could go up against his former team in the Superbowl?  So the league with no imagination that only hires from a selective and exhaustive pool has some overlap?  I don't believe you sir!

Anyway, we feel like this matchup, for the biggest prize in American pro sport, has no buzz.  Let's look at some other matchups for the big prize that had as little (or less) hype.

-Super Bowl XL: This 2006 symphony of boredom featured Pittsburgh beating Seattle in one of the 37 most untight games ever played.  It was like watching 4 estranged brothers play pee-knuckle.  Pittsburgh won but we all lost.

-2002 World Series:

 

Hard to live up to the drama of the 2001 Fall Classic.  So, in a smart move, the 2002 Series went the opposite extreme and no one in the entire world cared at all.  Who played in it?  Can you remember without looking it up?  We could because we're dorks.  San Francisco lost to the Anaheim Angles in 7.  It was actually a good series.  Tens of people on the west coast were riveted.  

1994 World Cup USA vs Brazil in Round 2: The US made it through group play for the first time since John Adams was president.  In 1990, the squad had a great showing when it went 0-3, we didn't qualify for the WC in 1986, before that... we're not talking about before that.  This was huge for US soccer.  Huge.  The game was played on JULY 4th in America!  Somehow, no one cared.  We were so hyped for this and no one else we knew even watched it on tv.  There were like 19 Americans in the stands... which was a nice break from the 30,000 Brazilians.  Even after some punk got a red card for elbowing Tab Ramos' head, it was a boring 1-0 game.  Weird.

1988 Presidential Election: We did a whole thing on this in school.  We were all so excited for this thing to be a nail-biter.  Neck and neck, they traded barbs like slap-boxers at recess.  The night of, we assembled at the home of one of the parents and watched in horror as the tv men calmly explained to us that it was already over and Dukakis was sipping soup broth by 5PM.  We thought it was this epic battle.  It was really close... until they started counting the votes.  426-111 in electoral votes.  Great talk.

-Every boxing match since Mike Tyson lost to Lennox Lewis in 2002: Who is the heavyweaight champ?  How many different boxing organizations are there?  Since the Victorian Freak Show lost to Lewis and had that bizarre post-fight gratefulness episode, boxing has been creeping along on its way to a lonely grave. 

   UFC, no charismatic heavyweights, perceived corruption/chaos with the myriad boxing organizations, and the unwillingness to change the 'pay-per-view' model have all led to boxing's demise.  Championship bouts now get less attention than new episodes of CBS sitcoms.  

-2004 Sugar Bowl: LSU beat Oklahoma.  This game was all awkward because USC should have been in the game and everyone knew it.  It was hyped but every time it was hyped it was like, 'but also USC... so...'.  It was like you have Lucy Pinder at a photoshoot next door to a photoshoot of Keeley Hazel but are only allowed to hype the Lucy Pinder shoot.  Is it not like that?  Whatever.

                                                   

Otherwise... You Make a Move

Here at Gus Johnson's Whisper, we love to analyze things.  Here is something that has needed analyzing for many years.  The following is a transcript of the conversation between Tony Montana and Alejandro Sosa.  This is the part where Sosa questions if Tony is trustworthy and Tony's response:

Sosa: So how do I know

you're not a chivato, too, Tony?

                   

Tony: Let's get this straight now.

                   

I never fucked anybody over in my life

who didn't have it coming. You got that?

           

All I have in this world is my balls

and my word and I don't break them...                   

...for no one, you understand?

                   

That piece of shit up there,

I never like him, I never trusted him.

                   

For all I know, he had me set up and

had my friend, Angel Fernandez, killed.

                   

But that's history. I'm here, he's not.

                   

You want to go on with me, say it.

You don't, then you make a move.

We tried to find a clip of that to give you a visual but we couldn't.  You all know what we're talking about though.  Tony is standing on Sosa's property, surrounded by armed guards, no allies for hundreds of miles, and no chance of escape.  He offered Sosa a choice: 

Option 1: If it is your desire to do business with me, I am amenable to this.  I only ask that you voice this desire at this time.

Option 2: If you do not wish to conduct business with me for any reason, not only do I understand, but I ask that you initiate an action that will undoubtedly result in my death.

Sosa, of course, chose option 1 and the movie goes on.  But what if he had chosen option 2?  What does Tony Montana do right there?  The breakdown:

-Tony tries to take Sosa hostage and make an escape.

Why it could work: Sosa is the boss and has tons of power.  He could order his small army to stand down; figuring that he could take Tony and everyone he has ever cared for out later.  So he might let Tony get out of there and get back home to Miami.

Why it wouldn't work: Tony presumably has no weapon.  How is he going to take Sosa hostage?  With awesomeness?  You can't take a guy in a choke hold for hundreds of miles without something going wrong.  Even a dude that was a master at choke holds like the semi-famous 'Choke Hold Jones' that used to roam the streets of Boulder, CO offering choke hold demonstrations to choke hold fans and novices who weren't really sure about their feelings on choke holds and they would need a choke hold demonstration from a choke hold master to render a verdict.  Tony Montana, for all that he was, was not Choke Hold Jones.

-Tony tries to knock Sosa out then hide in the surrounding jungle

Why it could work: Tony sucker punches Sosa and knocks him out.  If none of the guard army sees this, he can run through the vast cocaine fields and off of Sosa's property and into the jungle.  Maybe he lives off the land for a while because he was in the army in Cuba and changes his appearance.  Maybe he can smuggle himself into the US and start again by explaining to Frank Lopez that not only is Omar Suarez dead, but Sosa turned down a business proposition and opted to have me murdered...

Why it wouldn't work: Huge 'if' on the guards not seeing him and Tony making it off the property, huge!  But say that he does get by them, makes his way through the vast fields of ye-yo (is that how you spell that?  Whatever.), and then hides out in the jungle.  Tony is a big city guy, Havana and then Miami.  He's not a hobbit who lives off the land.  Are you calling Tony Montana a hobbit?  Because he is not.  He is a political prisoner from Cuba and he wants his basic human rights... not hobbit rights.

-Tony backs off his previous hardline stance and offers another alternative

Why it could work: The idea that one has to do business with someone or murder them in cold blood seems a bit extreme no?  'Sir, would you like to purchase these goods?... No?  Very well.  I will now stab your neck with my shank.'  Bit extreme.  So Tony might have been able to reason with Sosa.

Why it wouldn't work: Come on bruh.  This is not an option.  How can Tony roll like that?  It would be like him saying: 'All I have in this world are my balls and my word... unless that's not cool with you.  Let's work it out Mr. Sosa.  What's it gonna take for me to get you in a new Chevy Aveo today?'  No chance.

In conclusion, the ballsiness of of saying 'do business with me or murder me' is the opposite of buying a Chevy Aveo.

Bond, James Bond

We're just past the halfway point in the National Football League season (note: it's now awkward to say the NFL these days because announcers and studio guys always say the full title.  Terrible development.).  Also, the new Bond movie looks game-tight.

You know what's coming don't you?  You should.  

NFL teams as Bond movies.

-'Dr. No': The Carolina Panthers.  They are 7-2.  Everyone is forgetting about them like people forget about the original Bond film.  If you can't see the 'Honey Rider'/Jake Delhomme parallel then I guess there's no real way to talk to you about this issue and you should go fill out more coloring books between the lines.

-'Tomorrow Never Dies': The 49ers, Lions, Raiders, and Bengals.  The worst Bond movie ever made for the 4 worst teams of our lifetime.  They killed off Teri Hatcher in her 'Lois and Clark/They're Real and They're Spectacular' prime in 8 minutes.  It's about decisions people.

-"From Russia With Love": The New Orleans Saints.  1st, we're sure that Goodell is going to have them play another game abroad next year, probably Russia.  2nd, they play like communists.  

-"Die Another Day": The New York Giants.  Instead of a Super Bowl hangover, they keep playing well, winning, and staving off the letdown that we keep predicting.  We didn't really like this movie either.  It had all these amazing elements but something didn't feel right about it.  Like, Halle Barry is in it.  She's so hot!  So why wasn't the movie incredible?  We think maybe it's because Eli Manning is the giant magnifying glass weapon that focuses the sun's rays on stuff and melts it but can still be outrun by a really fast jet car thing on ice.

-'License to Kill': The Tennessee Titans.  This movie was nasty.  Like, good nasty.  Bond resigns from MI-6, and goes out to avenge his boy Felix Leiter.  He brings it.  Never stopping and doing his thing, his way.  Sounds like a team that smacks mouths, bucks NFL trends, and is terrifying to play against to us.  Also, Kerry.Collins.org is awkward like Timothy Dalton.  'Hi... I'm just keeping the seat warm for the next guy... but is it cool if I over-achieve and irritate the naysayers real quick?'

-'The Man With the Golden Gun': Denver Broncos.  Did you hear how Jay Cutler said that his arm was as strong as John Elway's?  You mean the guy with the greatest QB arm of all time right?  The guy that threw 96 MPH and was a 1st round NFL draft pick?  Ballsy bruh.  Also, Christopher Lee is an incredible assassin in this movie.  We think Shannahan is the equivalent for fantasy teams.

'You Only Live Twice': Dallas Cowboys.  Bond, a Japanese chick named Kissy Suzuki, and a whole bunch of ninjas storm an inactive volcano.  Bond uses a remote control helicopter.  This sounds like a child's imagination of what makes a good team.  'And then... TO, and then Roy Williams, and then the Pacman Guy, and then the Tank guy, and then the Romo and some ninjas... oh can my remote control copter go on the field and shoot the defense!?!?!?!?'

'Octopussy': New England Patriots.  It's usually the first movie people think of when they name a Bond film.  Similarly, every football writer is required to name the New England Patriots in every column.  Each mention must include their 'brilliant draft strategy', astute free agent decisions and blah blah blah.  In the film, you've got Roger Moore... and tons of hot chicks.  It's hard for it not to be good.  For the Pats, you had Tom Brady and a great defense.  Again, hard not to be good.

'Casino Royale': Atlanta Falcons.  Bond went away for a bit.  The last one wasn't all it was cracked up to be.  Enter a new dude.  How is he going to be?  How about awesome?  Does that work for you if the guy they picked is awesome?  Do you like that fan base?  Matt Ryan is the Daniel Craig of the NFL.  Impressive like our 9-1 fantasy football squad.  We don't think Pierce Brosnan stages dog fights.

Anybody got some others?