National Signing Day and Sitcoms

There are lots of things that Gus Johnson's Whisper loves (fast Americans at the Olympics, a well run fast break, making the extra pass, and Star Wars).  There are also lots of things that Gus Johnson's Whisper hates.  One object of our venom are recruiting class rankings.  

Like these: http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2009/football/ncaa/02/03/team-rankings/index.html?eref=T1

Lots of reasons for this and here are some of them:

-Players gain reputations and hype and this leads to an inflation/deflation of rankings

-If these scouts were actually correct, dudes like Drew Henson would have led the Patriots to 3 Superbowls.

-It is near impossible to compare the thousands of levels of football across America. Making tangible comparisons when there is such a huge disparity of talent is fruitless.

It's that last point that led to this blog.  We're going to make tangible comparisons... between the top football powers and chicks from sitcoms from when we were little.

#1 Alabama: Shelly Long. 

Making your way in the world today takes everything you got. Having a scumbag coach who can really recruit, sure does cost a lot.  See what we did there?  We never got why Shelly Long got more than a minute of Sam's time.  She was so high-maintencey; a quasi-hot chick that wasn't likeable.  You know Alabama, with their #1 recruiting class in tow, will get smoked by someone.  You know this because they'll have some 3-named quarterback who gets pummeled so hard, the hair that comes out of the back of his helmet uncurls.

#2 LSU: Justine Bateman. 

 

The show was obviously incredible and in our opinion, she was the glue guy.  She took the charges, was sweated by Skippy and every other male 80s child, and always had at least 1 great line per show.  That's how LSU is.  The SEC is always raw and it's these guys, year in and year out running 22 athletes out there, that make the conference the place of naked anger.

#3 USC: Alyssa Milano. 

 

Name someone hotter than Samantha Micelli in season 5 of Who's the Boss for a male under 14.  You can't.  You would watch that show even if it meant putting up with Danny Pintauro (The Pete Carroll of Sitcom stars).  You also know that USC will be right there in the hunt.  You also know that all that talent will occasionally have an F-up (Like Mrs. Rossini accidentally burning the Lasagna).  There will be hiccups but talent wins.

#4 THE ohio state university: Markie Post. 

 

Boooorrrrrriiiiiing.  They'll win the Big-10 then get mooshed in a bowl.  We get it, John Laroquette likes sex and Christine doesn't want to sleep with him.  At least Harry Anderson (Terrell Pryor) can do a magic trick or 2 to make the 30 minutes seem slightly more bearable.  

#5 Texas: Danica McKellar. 

 

Winnie Cooper.  Every male in the world has a Winnie Cooper.  Fact.  That's what made this show so special.  Every male has someone that he hyped up so much in his mind that he couldn't see straight, that cost him his judgment, and made him a wreck.  For Texas fans, Colt McCoy is your Winnie Cooper.

#6 Florida State: Tracy Gold.

  

Winning the ACC is like having a know-it-all goodie goodie sister that stands in the way of Mike Seaver nailing bait like a carpenter.

#7 Michigan: Nancy Mckeon.

 

An also ran on a show of also-rans.

#8 UNC: Missy Gold. 

 

Who is that?  She's from where?  Benson?  That was a show?  Really?  7 seasons?  That show ran for 7 seasons?  No f-ing way.  

#9 Georgia: Nicole Eggert.

 

Sexy pick.  They started 2008 as the #1 team in the country and they ended up on Howard Stern begging for an acting role.  Charles in Charge indeed.

#10 Florida: Soliel Moon Frye.

  

Listen, everyone knew she was going to be hot.  Adults watched the show, they knew.  Kids that watched the show, they knew.  Everyone on set and at the network, you best believe they were in the know.  It's inevitable.  You think the Florida kids are worried because Alabama had a great recruiting year?  You think Soliel looked across the lot and was worried because they were filming Small Wonder?

Super Nintendo, Sega Genesis... and Randolph Childress

The year was 1994.  We were rocking the Sega Genesis.  We woke up early that Saturday morning because we had to be at school for the team bus by 10AM.  The JV squad rolled in school vans over to Good Counsel High School where they got beaten by 13.  An amazingly skinny 14 year old freshman had 8 points, 3 assists, and a team high 7 turnovers to go with his 2 poutings on the bench, 1 talk-back to the coach, and 3 interactions with an opposing player that could be used against him in court.  Before we left the house, we set the VCR to tape the Wake Forrest/Duke game at 2:30 PM.  We were taken back when we turned on ESPN Classic last night.

Wow.

How tight was the ACC?  This is from memory because we couldn't find historical roster data.  Why is that so hard to find by the way?  To us, this is the sort of thing the internet was invented for.

Duke: Grant Hill, Jeff Capel, Cherokee Parks (he was bootsy but still played in the NBA for a spell)

Wake: Tim Duncan and our favorite college player ever, Randolph Childress.  More on Randolph in a moment.

UNC: Jerry Stackhouse, Rasheed Wallace, Eric Montross, and one of our 37 least favorite college players ever: Donald Williams.

Maryland: Joe Smith, Keith Booth, Ugly Johnny Rhodes, X-Ree Hipp, and Duane Simpkins

Note: Our boy Joe believes that Johnny Rhodes also should have been a star in the NBA.

Georgia Tech: Travis Best and we think Drew Barry?  Remember Drew Barry?

UVA: Curtis Staples, Harold Deane, and we think that Junior Burroughs was on the squad, also Cory Alexander played in the NBA although we have no idea what his game was.  What did he do?  No one knows.

Clemson: Sharone Wright,

Florida State: Bob Sura, Charlie Ward

Note: Bob Sura!

NC State: Not sure they fielded a team for a couple years after they lost Gugliotta.  We literally can't remember a single player off this team.

Back to what inspired this blog.  Sometimes, in life, there are mysteries.  The greatest mystery of all time to us is how Randolph Childress was not a star in the NBA.  He was incredible.  Is there anyone here who carried his squad (a squad that included Duncan) to an ACC title over one of the greatest college teams ever and set a record for points in a tournament?  OK, Randolph we have you... anyone else?  No?  No one that tight ever?

His game was incredible.  He was buckets, great handle, saw the court and was always under control.  So smooth.  His game was literally like an infant's buttocks... in terms of the smoothness.

We taped that game back in '94.  After we got home, showered, played through Revenge of Shinobi on Genesis (we always got unlimited shurikens and tons of extra lives so you could beat it the tight way of saving the chick and killing the boss), we rewound the tape and watched an all-time classic.

In the 1st half, Childress passed on a lot of shots and was a distributor.  Duke put the uber-athletic Grant Hill on RC.  The game went back and forth with Wake trailing by a hoop in the final minute.  Duncan was all tawkward and lanky at this point and his offensive game was like that 51 year old at the Y with rec specs.  So, Wake works the ball around to Childress with about 20 seconds left.  They clear out the side.  16 seconds.  Childress drives on Hill.  14 seconds.  Childress steps back with his super tight stepback move that no one has ever done better ever.  13 seconds.  Childress launches a 3 over the 6'8" frame and outstretched arms of Hill, the same Hill that caught a ball above the square on an alley-oop and was one of the most athletic guys ever before the injuries.  11 seconds.  Buckets.  3 pointer puts Wake up 1.  No one at Cameron Privileged Suburban Stadium knows what to do.  Hill misses a shot at the buzzer.  Wake wins.

It was a great Saturday.  Note: We did not talk to any girls.

After he was drafted by the Pistons, he hurt his knee.  He resurfaced a few years later playing in dumb leagues overseas.  We can't help but think of what he would have been in today's league with the handchecking rules.  We think he'd be 20 and 8 and be a feared crunchtime scorer.  Wow he was tight.  We'll literally never forget.