The April Bama

Josh McDaniels. What a bama. Amazing. We're sure this dude knows offense pretty well and we get it, he's a young gun in a league desperate for some legit coaching talent. Let's go deeper as to why this chooch is a bama of the highest order.

-Is Brian Billick a great offensive mind? Everyone thought so when he coached the offense that (at the time) set the record for points in a season. 2 hall of fame receivers (1, the greatest deep threat ever and the other a 1st down machine), a great O-line, good running backs and a great veteran QB... we could look like a genius too. This is the same sustenad who made first downs look like 11 homeless guys rubbing wet sticks together in the rain when he coached in Baltimore. See our point? Hand a guy Tom Brady, that same greatest deep receiver ever, an incredible O-line and good running backs, and a 1st down making underneath guy... weird that his offense was good.

-The Bill Belichick coaching tree sucks like the dude who asks you what you do for a living in the 1st 30 seconds of a conversation. Wanna know who's successful? Nick Saban as a college coach. That's it and that's all.

Here come the rest of the chooch parade:

-Romeo Crennel: One of the 14 worst NFL head coaches we can name. Makes clock management look like splitting the atom with a pair of reeboks on your hands.

-Charlie Weis: Fat guy in a little coat

-Eric Mangini: Remember the time he didn't deserve his nickname? That's always.

-Al Groh (UVA): He recruits like he hates recruits

-Pat Hill (Fresno Sate): Remember when Reggie Bush had 500 total yards in a game? It was against Fresno State.

-Kirk Ferentz: After Ohio State, Michigan, Penn State, Michigan State, Wisconsin, and Purdue, they're the best team in the Big 10!

-Jim Schwartz: The new Detroit Lions coach. We'll see.

Why would anyone anoint a BB underling as next?

-You can tell that this enormous bama believes every word about him. What got lost in all of the Cutler gong show, was the fact that the new coach, alienated the franchise QB. The Broncos GM, had Cutler signed long term as the center of the team. They were going to build around him and have an outstanding young group of offensive players (Brandon Marshall, Eddie Royal, Ryan Clady, Ryan Harris). This was a young team on the way up. A great offense and a D that clearly needed to improve. Here comes the new coach... and he starts making pee pee on the center of it all. Players win games. Even though Cutler is a punk, he was still under contract. Part of coaching is figuring out how to get the most out of your players. Trading them for Kyle Orton is not getting the most out of a guy who threw for 4500 yards and 26TDs as a 25 year old.

-He rocks the same kind of gear as Belichick. This is now hacky. I dress down! Look at me! Hooded sweatshirt, I'm so one of the guys. Accept me! Why are you guys all leaving? Come back!

-His dumb short hair. You can tell it's one of those 'I don't have time for hair maintenance!' haircuts. You're not that important bruh.

-He went to John Carroll University and is the type of dude that sportswriters who sucked at sports always write about because bamas like McDaniels got overlooked and carved out careers for themselves and blah blah blah. Listen, sometimes guys develop late. Sometimes, guys weren't that good coming out of high school. When a small school guy makes it, there should be a ban on ball washing puff pieces from dumb columnists.

Congrats to Josh McDaniels. A true bama for the ages.

Bond, James Bond

We're just past the halfway point in the National Football League season (note: it's now awkward to say the NFL these days because announcers and studio guys always say the full title.  Terrible development.).  Also, the new Bond movie looks game-tight.

You know what's coming don't you?  You should.  

NFL teams as Bond movies.

-'Dr. No': The Carolina Panthers.  They are 7-2.  Everyone is forgetting about them like people forget about the original Bond film.  If you can't see the 'Honey Rider'/Jake Delhomme parallel then I guess there's no real way to talk to you about this issue and you should go fill out more coloring books between the lines.

-'Tomorrow Never Dies': The 49ers, Lions, Raiders, and Bengals.  The worst Bond movie ever made for the 4 worst teams of our lifetime.  They killed off Teri Hatcher in her 'Lois and Clark/They're Real and They're Spectacular' prime in 8 minutes.  It's about decisions people.

-"From Russia With Love": The New Orleans Saints.  1st, we're sure that Goodell is going to have them play another game abroad next year, probably Russia.  2nd, they play like communists.  

-"Die Another Day": The New York Giants.  Instead of a Super Bowl hangover, they keep playing well, winning, and staving off the letdown that we keep predicting.  We didn't really like this movie either.  It had all these amazing elements but something didn't feel right about it.  Like, Halle Barry is in it.  She's so hot!  So why wasn't the movie incredible?  We think maybe it's because Eli Manning is the giant magnifying glass weapon that focuses the sun's rays on stuff and melts it but can still be outrun by a really fast jet car thing on ice.

-'License to Kill': The Tennessee Titans.  This movie was nasty.  Like, good nasty.  Bond resigns from MI-6, and goes out to avenge his boy Felix Leiter.  He brings it.  Never stopping and doing his thing, his way.  Sounds like a team that smacks mouths, bucks NFL trends, and is terrifying to play against to us.  Also, Kerry.Collins.org is awkward like Timothy Dalton.  'Hi... I'm just keeping the seat warm for the next guy... but is it cool if I over-achieve and irritate the naysayers real quick?'

-'The Man With the Golden Gun': Denver Broncos.  Did you hear how Jay Cutler said that his arm was as strong as John Elway's?  You mean the guy with the greatest QB arm of all time right?  The guy that threw 96 MPH and was a 1st round NFL draft pick?  Ballsy bruh.  Also, Christopher Lee is an incredible assassin in this movie.  We think Shannahan is the equivalent for fantasy teams.

'You Only Live Twice': Dallas Cowboys.  Bond, a Japanese chick named Kissy Suzuki, and a whole bunch of ninjas storm an inactive volcano.  Bond uses a remote control helicopter.  This sounds like a child's imagination of what makes a good team.  'And then... TO, and then Roy Williams, and then the Pacman Guy, and then the Tank guy, and then the Romo and some ninjas... oh can my remote control copter go on the field and shoot the defense!?!?!?!?'

'Octopussy': New England Patriots.  It's usually the first movie people think of when they name a Bond film.  Similarly, every football writer is required to name the New England Patriots in every column.  Each mention must include their 'brilliant draft strategy', astute free agent decisions and blah blah blah.  In the film, you've got Roger Moore... and tons of hot chicks.  It's hard for it not to be good.  For the Pats, you had Tom Brady and a great defense.  Again, hard not to be good.

'Casino Royale': Atlanta Falcons.  Bond went away for a bit.  The last one wasn't all it was cracked up to be.  Enter a new dude.  How is he going to be?  How about awesome?  Does that work for you if the guy they picked is awesome?  Do you like that fan base?  Matt Ryan is the Daniel Craig of the NFL.  Impressive like our 9-1 fantasy football squad.  We don't think Pierce Brosnan stages dog fights.

Anybody got some others?