National Signing Day and Sitcoms

There are lots of things that Gus Johnson's Whisper loves (fast Americans at the Olympics, a well run fast break, making the extra pass, and Star Wars).  There are also lots of things that Gus Johnson's Whisper hates.  One object of our venom are recruiting class rankings.  

Like these: http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2009/football/ncaa/02/03/team-rankings/index.html?eref=T1

Lots of reasons for this and here are some of them:

-Players gain reputations and hype and this leads to an inflation/deflation of rankings

-If these scouts were actually correct, dudes like Drew Henson would have led the Patriots to 3 Superbowls.

-It is near impossible to compare the thousands of levels of football across America. Making tangible comparisons when there is such a huge disparity of talent is fruitless.

It's that last point that led to this blog.  We're going to make tangible comparisons... between the top football powers and chicks from sitcoms from when we were little.

#1 Alabama: Shelly Long. 

Making your way in the world today takes everything you got. Having a scumbag coach who can really recruit, sure does cost a lot.  See what we did there?  We never got why Shelly Long got more than a minute of Sam's time.  She was so high-maintencey; a quasi-hot chick that wasn't likeable.  You know Alabama, with their #1 recruiting class in tow, will get smoked by someone.  You know this because they'll have some 3-named quarterback who gets pummeled so hard, the hair that comes out of the back of his helmet uncurls.

#2 LSU: Justine Bateman. 

 

The show was obviously incredible and in our opinion, she was the glue guy.  She took the charges, was sweated by Skippy and every other male 80s child, and always had at least 1 great line per show.  That's how LSU is.  The SEC is always raw and it's these guys, year in and year out running 22 athletes out there, that make the conference the place of naked anger.

#3 USC: Alyssa Milano. 

 

Name someone hotter than Samantha Micelli in season 5 of Who's the Boss for a male under 14.  You can't.  You would watch that show even if it meant putting up with Danny Pintauro (The Pete Carroll of Sitcom stars).  You also know that USC will be right there in the hunt.  You also know that all that talent will occasionally have an F-up (Like Mrs. Rossini accidentally burning the Lasagna).  There will be hiccups but talent wins.

#4 THE ohio state university: Markie Post. 

 

Boooorrrrrriiiiiing.  They'll win the Big-10 then get mooshed in a bowl.  We get it, John Laroquette likes sex and Christine doesn't want to sleep with him.  At least Harry Anderson (Terrell Pryor) can do a magic trick or 2 to make the 30 minutes seem slightly more bearable.  

#5 Texas: Danica McKellar. 

 

Winnie Cooper.  Every male in the world has a Winnie Cooper.  Fact.  That's what made this show so special.  Every male has someone that he hyped up so much in his mind that he couldn't see straight, that cost him his judgment, and made him a wreck.  For Texas fans, Colt McCoy is your Winnie Cooper.

#6 Florida State: Tracy Gold.

  

Winning the ACC is like having a know-it-all goodie goodie sister that stands in the way of Mike Seaver nailing bait like a carpenter.

#7 Michigan: Nancy Mckeon.

 

An also ran on a show of also-rans.

#8 UNC: Missy Gold. 

 

Who is that?  She's from where?  Benson?  That was a show?  Really?  7 seasons?  That show ran for 7 seasons?  No f-ing way.  

#9 Georgia: Nicole Eggert.

 

Sexy pick.  They started 2008 as the #1 team in the country and they ended up on Howard Stern begging for an acting role.  Charles in Charge indeed.

#10 Florida: Soliel Moon Frye.

  

Listen, everyone knew she was going to be hot.  Adults watched the show, they knew.  Kids that watched the show, they knew.  Everyone on set and at the network, you best believe they were in the know.  It's inevitable.  You think the Florida kids are worried because Alabama had a great recruiting year?  You think Soliel looked across the lot and was worried because they were filming Small Wonder?

College Football Bowl Pick 'Em Manifesto

We at GJW think there are not nearly enough manifestos out there.  How ballsy is it to write a manifesto?  Quite ballsy is the answer.  Nonetheless, here is our guide to picking bowl games and winning your bowl pool... And we realize this is after most of the bowl games are done so maybe apply this next time or something.

Article 1- The Big 10 sucks at bowls.

You wouldn't know it based on the constant media attention and insufferable fans of teams like THE OHIO STATE University, but the Big 10 stinks and has quietly stunk for the last few years.  Even when OSU won it's title, the rest of the Big 10 was out under performing in bowl games.  Everyone likes to make excuses about how the teams are built to win in cold weather.  This is like saying that a chick should be fatter in case she runs into a guy who likes fat chicks.  It's dumb.  Good teams win football games.  Big 10 this year?  1-6 in bowls. Thanks to Steve Spurrier for bothering to spring for the $.42 in postage to mail in another bowl game on his way to the golf course.

Article 2 - ACC teams should never be favored over SEC teams.  Thanks again Georgia Tech.  A doo-doo browntown LSU squad took the 'school with the ugliest girls in the ACC' to the woodshed, locked them inside, then left incriminating messages on every contact in the respective cell phones of the GT players.

Article 3 - Every few years, there will be a Boise State-Oklahoma type upset.  It is not worth your time to try and find it.  This year, it was Utah and Alabama.  You should not have picked Utah in this one.  If you did, and are reading this thinking that you are smarter than everyone who covers college football for a living, then you are a chooch.  These 2 teams play 10 times in the regular season and Alabama wins 8.  They have more good players, more great players, and go to a school with one of the most rabid and supportive fan bases in the world.  Utah is in Utah.

You can work yourself dizzy trying to find this game.  We've won our last several bowl pools, simply by picking favorites with a couple exceptions.  If you don't think that Alabama should be favored to beat Utah, you should go color in a book for coloring.

Article 4 - Despite the fact that everyone poops hammers on the Pac-10, they always do better than you'd think in bowls.  This year's 5-0 is obvious but the Pac 10 is always sneaky.  Those teams are better at bowls than you'd think.  Obviously, USC is the leader of the pack but teams like Arizona (beating top 20 BYU this year), Oregon State (beat a solid Pitt team), Oregon (spanked an over-rated Oklahoma State team which we'll get to in a minute), and Cal are always competitive in their bowl games.  5-0 this year, 4-2 last year?  That's a trend people.

Article 5 - When a conference is typically viewed as overhyped, has a banner year that causes the media to frenzy, pundits to write articles about how the 2 best teams are from this conference and those 2 teams should play for the title in a rematch and so on, and then the conference becomes REALLY overhyped, beware of said conference.  See Big XII, The.  

This year's 4-2 (4-3 if you agree with us that Florida rolls on Thursday) is the same as the Big East, potentially the same as Conference USA, and is not much better than the Mountain West Conference.  Simmer down everyone.

Article 6 - No conference ever in the history of conferences should have 10 teams go to bowls.  This is especially true when the highest ranked team got smoked by a middle of the pack SEC team.  Looking right at you ACC!  Simply put, no conference has enough depth to have better than a decent record if it's playing in 10 bowl games.  Expect 5-5 and you won't be disappointed too badly.

Article 7 - Always always always look at travel.  Who has to go far?  Far east or west?  Look at that stuff.  It's a factor.  This especially helps when you have no idea about either of the teams.  Who were you looking for in the Rice v Western Michigan matchup?  We didn't know either.  The game itself was the Texas Bowl.  Done and done.

Article 8 - Never underestimate the power of the 'we were in contention for the national title until we lost late in the season and we're disappointed with this bowl and having to play this meager team that is beneath us and we are not really ready to play' game.  See Alabama, Texas Tech, and even Texas (who needed all 60 minutes to beat a flawed Ohio State team)

Article 9 - This is the most important in our opinion, if you can't name a single player off of either team before reading about the matchup, just pick the favorite.  Several reasons here:

1) you don't know as much as you think you know

2) analyzing stats and results from teams that you have never seen play is like comparing apples to fruits on Chewbacca's home planet of Kashyyyk.

3) If you are ever the guy that brags about knowing that Northern Illinois would lose to Louisiana Tech, you're a douche and a chooch.  You're a chouche.

This rule didn't work out as well as in years past as there were a few more upsets but generally, this is the way to go.

Feel free to follow this advice.  Or, don't and lose to us again next year.

People We Think Are Bamas Part V

It's Friday, you know what that means.  Here's our 5th installment of 'People We Think Are Bamas'.

Since history was made this week, we decided to go back in history to find this week's bama.

When lots of people hear the word 'bama', they think of this dude... or dudes like him.  This is the kind of dude that makes you go 'REALLY?'

Governor and professional bigot, George Wallace.  This is one of the worst dudes we've ever had.  Listen, we get that he was who he was in a different time.  We also get that we can look back at him with our 21st century values and it's easy to judge him; the same way people will judge us 50 years from now.  Whatever bruh.

Let old Gus Johnson's Whisper ask you a question.  What if we told you that there was a charismatic guy during a tumultuous time who ran on the simple platform of blaming a disadvantaged group of people for all of society's ills?  You'd go, 'whoa... sounds like Hitler.'  Yeah it does doesn't it... George Wallace you sweaty bigot.  This moose-knuckle ran on the platform of 'segregation... and also segregation'.  His most famous address, once elected governor, was written by a member of the trips K... who was also his cousin.  Don't you love history?

Know what we love?  Make-believe.  That bama died in 1998.  We wish we could wake him up, tape his eyelids open, and make him watch a 24-hour loop of gay men getting married and Barack Obama's address to the world after winning the election.

OK, back to why Wallace was a bama.  Now, we all know dude was racist.  That just makes him a racist.  What makes him a bama was that he acted like a little kid who didn't like the pick-up game so he tried to take his ball and go home.

Kennedy goes: 'Hey broseph... I'm thinking that human beings should just go ahead and go to school in the same place.'

Wallace response: 'Nah ah'.

Kennedy: 'Yeah... I'm gonna go ahead and kind of insist that we do that.'

Wallace response: 'Nah-ah'

Kennedy: 'Why are you making this weird?  Listen, Jackie Robinson broke into the bigs 16 years ago man.  We're talking about a school. So...'

Wallace: 'NO!  You're a meanie!'

Kennedy: 'George!  George!  You will not hold your breath until you turn blue again!  You get down from there this instant!  I will call the national guard!'

Wallace: 'You're a national guard!'

Kennedy: 'You're not even making sense now.'

Wallace: (crying) 'I hate you!  I hate you and I want to go home!'

Kennedy: 'George!  George!  I will count to 3...'

Cut to Wallace's speech in front of the school.

(Wallace whispers to someone near the stage.) GW: 'Hey, who are those red guys we don't like right now?'

(Guy whispers back) 'Uhhh tha' comm-yoon-ists?'

GW: 'Thanks'

(Wallace addresses crowd)

"The president wants us to surrender this state to Martin Luther King and his group of pro-communists who have instituted these demonstrations." 

Yup, he said that outloud.  F that dude and the horse he rode in on.  By the way, guaranteed that dude rode a horse.  We're not looking that up or anything, but didn't W the Rigot (racist bigot wombo) seem like the kind of dude who rode horses?  His horses had names like 'Hester' but because he was dumb and all southern he pronounced it 'Hess-tuh'.

In closing, Gus Johnson's Whisper is awfully proud to live here these days.  We wish it wasn't as big a deal as it is; we wish it was just an election but we all know it wasn't.  We're grateful that bamas like George Wallace lost.