Hadoken! Gus Johnson, Street Fighter.

ESPN the Mag had a nice little bit about our resident hero, Gus Johnson.  You can check it out here:

http://sports.espn.go.com/espnmag/story?id=3797928

We've been arguing, with anyone who would listen, that you simply have to bump the team of Jim Nantz and Billy Packer off the huge college hoop games.  Nantz is a solid sportscaster.  He really is.  You know where we want our solid sportscasters?  Game #3, the 4th biggest event of the weekend, with the B crew etc.  He tells you what happens.  That's tight in golf where you have to be all quiet or Tiger Woods will snap at you, but not in the frantic, hectic, and insane NCAA tourney.

Give us Gus Johnson and give him to us every single time.  He makes terrible games decent, great games transcendent, and makes every other announcer out there sound like Ben Stein.  Recently, we did a radio show with the stats guy from the NFL announcing team of Gus Johnson and Steve Tasker.  Stats Guy also worked with GJ during March Madness.  He told us this:

'Higher seeded teams got scared when they saw Gus was working the game.  They would talk about it.  I'm not kidding.  They got nervous.  The players know.  They saw all those Davidson games, the Gonzaga upset, and on down the line.  They felt like, 'oh sh*t, Gus Johnson always calls those upsets.'

How about that bruh?  He's the best.  No one can match the genuine excitement he brings.  It's not forced, it's real.  The dude just loves it.

We've often been asked, who should his partner be?  Who is the college hoops dream team?

It's not Vitale, he's a chucklehead.

It's not Clark Kellog, although he's under rated.

It's not Packer because, as stated above, he is the worst.

It's not Jay Bilas because f*ck Duke.

It's not Len Elmore, although he'd be second on our list.

It IS Bill Raftery.  

Sample dialogue:

GJ: 'Shot clock is turned off.  UCONN, down 2, 8.5 seconds left to play.'

BR: 'They'll be looking for a dribble drive here.  Jimmy Calhoun, so good at setting up what he wants.  Putting people in place... ORCHESTRATING'

GJ: 'Roy Williams now, calling out instructions.'

BR: 'He wants Hansborough to guard the inbounder.  No easy passes.'

GJ: 'We're set to go here.  Dyson to inbound for UCONN... He does to Price in the backcourt... Drives on Lawson... KICKS IT OUT TO DYSON..... AT THE BUZZER.... OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!'

BR: 'THE ONIONS!!!!!!!'

GJ: 'OH MY!  WHAT A GAME!  UCONN, AT THE BUZZER!  JEROME DYSON!'

BR: 'They drew it up Gus.  Price on the clearout, draws the defender, kicks it to Dyson... Gets the puppies set............... FERTHREE' (note, the tightness of Bill Raftery saying 'for three' in the superfastRaftery voice cannot be measured)

God that would be awesome.  Not only because of the GJ/Raftery combo but because Tyler Hansborough would be making his eli manning/hansborough I just got fouled with no call combo face.  That would be great.

College Football Bowl Pick 'Em Manifesto

We at GJW think there are not nearly enough manifestos out there.  How ballsy is it to write a manifesto?  Quite ballsy is the answer.  Nonetheless, here is our guide to picking bowl games and winning your bowl pool... And we realize this is after most of the bowl games are done so maybe apply this next time or something.

Article 1- The Big 10 sucks at bowls.

You wouldn't know it based on the constant media attention and insufferable fans of teams like THE OHIO STATE University, but the Big 10 stinks and has quietly stunk for the last few years.  Even when OSU won it's title, the rest of the Big 10 was out under performing in bowl games.  Everyone likes to make excuses about how the teams are built to win in cold weather.  This is like saying that a chick should be fatter in case she runs into a guy who likes fat chicks.  It's dumb.  Good teams win football games.  Big 10 this year?  1-6 in bowls. Thanks to Steve Spurrier for bothering to spring for the $.42 in postage to mail in another bowl game on his way to the golf course.

Article 2 - ACC teams should never be favored over SEC teams.  Thanks again Georgia Tech.  A doo-doo browntown LSU squad took the 'school with the ugliest girls in the ACC' to the woodshed, locked them inside, then left incriminating messages on every contact in the respective cell phones of the GT players.

Article 3 - Every few years, there will be a Boise State-Oklahoma type upset.  It is not worth your time to try and find it.  This year, it was Utah and Alabama.  You should not have picked Utah in this one.  If you did, and are reading this thinking that you are smarter than everyone who covers college football for a living, then you are a chooch.  These 2 teams play 10 times in the regular season and Alabama wins 8.  They have more good players, more great players, and go to a school with one of the most rabid and supportive fan bases in the world.  Utah is in Utah.

You can work yourself dizzy trying to find this game.  We've won our last several bowl pools, simply by picking favorites with a couple exceptions.  If you don't think that Alabama should be favored to beat Utah, you should go color in a book for coloring.

Article 4 - Despite the fact that everyone poops hammers on the Pac-10, they always do better than you'd think in bowls.  This year's 5-0 is obvious but the Pac 10 is always sneaky.  Those teams are better at bowls than you'd think.  Obviously, USC is the leader of the pack but teams like Arizona (beating top 20 BYU this year), Oregon State (beat a solid Pitt team), Oregon (spanked an over-rated Oklahoma State team which we'll get to in a minute), and Cal are always competitive in their bowl games.  5-0 this year, 4-2 last year?  That's a trend people.

Article 5 - When a conference is typically viewed as overhyped, has a banner year that causes the media to frenzy, pundits to write articles about how the 2 best teams are from this conference and those 2 teams should play for the title in a rematch and so on, and then the conference becomes REALLY overhyped, beware of said conference.  See Big XII, The.  

This year's 4-2 (4-3 if you agree with us that Florida rolls on Thursday) is the same as the Big East, potentially the same as Conference USA, and is not much better than the Mountain West Conference.  Simmer down everyone.

Article 6 - No conference ever in the history of conferences should have 10 teams go to bowls.  This is especially true when the highest ranked team got smoked by a middle of the pack SEC team.  Looking right at you ACC!  Simply put, no conference has enough depth to have better than a decent record if it's playing in 10 bowl games.  Expect 5-5 and you won't be disappointed too badly.

Article 7 - Always always always look at travel.  Who has to go far?  Far east or west?  Look at that stuff.  It's a factor.  This especially helps when you have no idea about either of the teams.  Who were you looking for in the Rice v Western Michigan matchup?  We didn't know either.  The game itself was the Texas Bowl.  Done and done.

Article 8 - Never underestimate the power of the 'we were in contention for the national title until we lost late in the season and we're disappointed with this bowl and having to play this meager team that is beneath us and we are not really ready to play' game.  See Alabama, Texas Tech, and even Texas (who needed all 60 minutes to beat a flawed Ohio State team)

Article 9 - This is the most important in our opinion, if you can't name a single player off of either team before reading about the matchup, just pick the favorite.  Several reasons here:

1) you don't know as much as you think you know

2) analyzing stats and results from teams that you have never seen play is like comparing apples to fruits on Chewbacca's home planet of Kashyyyk.

3) If you are ever the guy that brags about knowing that Northern Illinois would lose to Louisiana Tech, you're a douche and a chooch.  You're a chouche.

This rule didn't work out as well as in years past as there were a few more upsets but generally, this is the way to go.

Feel free to follow this advice.  Or, don't and lose to us again next year.

Does This Happen To You?

We liked the first one, so we put up part 2.

A Fan in December

This is what it's like to be a Redskins fan on a Sunday in December. Produced by Gus Johnson's Whisper correspondent, Danny Rouhier.



Enjoy.

No Bamas This Week, Instead: A Video Game Countdown

This week, we are living bama free and are taking a break from our normal column.  Today, with some of our buddies, we were asked (because we are a relative authority on this), to compile a list of both the top NES (original Nintendo) and the top games on all systems.  The following is what was sent out to the group:

In a twist, I myself crashed.  I have now rebooted and believe I can come up with something for everyone.  I hope everyone enjoys this.

Nintendo Games for the original NES (note, you can play nintendo games online here: http://www.nintendo8.com/):

1) The Legend of Zelda

2) Metroid

3) Mike Tyson's Punchout (the version released after the rape charge had 'Mr Dream' at the end and was no where near as tight)

4) Dragon Warrior 

5) Super Tecmo Bowl

6) Castlevania II: Simon's Quest

7) Super Mario Brothers

8) Final Fantasy

9) Mega Man

10) Contra

11) The Adventures of Lolo

12) Kid Icarus

13) Baseball Stars (would be higher but it was frustrating because you would ALWAYS lose the saved data)

14) Star Tropics

15) Dragon Warrior IV

16) Wizards and Warriors (most underrated video game ever made) 

17) Maniac Mansion

18) Crystalis

19) Castlevania III: Dracula's Curse

20) Zelda II: The Adventure of Link

21) Rygar (this would be a top 3 game ever if there were continues or a password. You had to beat it in 1 sitting which lowers it)

22) Shadowgate

23) Super Mario Brothers 3

24) Ducktales

25) Faxanadu

Top video games on any system (PC not eligible):

1) The Legend of Zelda (NES).  I wrote an article about this for IGN.  It changed everything.  It was the Star Wars of Video Games.  Blended action RPG, smooth and layered gameplay, incredible story, perfect difficulty, graphically superior to it's contemporaries.  It was literally perfect.  Also, the cartridge was gold.

2) Final Fantasy VII (playstation): to give you an idea, this game has spawned 2 movies, 4 video game spin-offs, and millions of fans world wide.  Further, my boy ***** and I spent 199 hours and 59 minutes getting through half the game together.  400 hours.  The standard for all RPGs forevermore.  I literally just got dusty in my eyes thinking about how tight this game is.

3) Grand Theft Auto: Vice City (PS 2): They worked out the bugs so it played smooth, the soundtrack is INCREDIBLE, the things you get to do are amazing (you direct a porn movie with Jenna Jameson for example), the missions are great.  The series peaked right here.

4) Super Metroid (SNES): simply put, an amazing game

5) NHL 94 (Genesis): greatest sports game ever made

6) Mike Tyson's punchout (NES)

7) Zelda: Ocarina of Time (N 64)

8) Metal Gear Solid II (PS 2)

9) Mario Kart: think about the casual gamer.  Everyone, even ****** plays this game.

10) Castlevania: Symphony of the Night (PS)

11) Metroid (NES)

12) Halo (XBOX)

13) Tomb Raider (PS)

14) Chrono Trigger (SNES)

15) Resident Evil (PS)

16) Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time (PS 2)

17) Panzer Dragoon Saga (Sega Saturn)

18) Final Fantasy III (SNES)

19) Goldeneye (N 64)

20) Super Mario 64

21) Dragon Warrior NES

22) Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion (PS 3)

23) Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic (XBOX)

24) Final Fantasy Tactics (PS)

25) Devil May Cry (PS 2)

 

Some notes:

*****= name removed to protect the innocent

-NHL 93 vs NHL 94: The one-timers, better control, in game-options, empirically, made 94 a better game.  You cannot argue against the heart though.  I understand where you come from on this ******.

-There are lots of fighting games not on the list.  the problem I have with them is that this is more about 'the series' than any one game.  Each one, inherently lacks depth and his repetitive.  The various Mortal Kombats, Soul Calibers (the most recent with Darth Vader is amazing), and Tekkens can never get you the involved gameplay that are so important to me and other hardcore gamers

-System Breakdown:

NES: 4, Playstation: 5, Super Nintendo: 3, XBOX: 2, Nintendo 64: 3, Playstation 2: 4, PS 3: 1, Sega Saturn: 1, Sega Genesis: 2

-I started to do a system by system breakdown but thought that might be too much.

-There are a few titles on there who's commercial success did not match the stature of the game.  The Panzer Dragoon Saga came out right before the end of the Sega Saturn.  It was an absolute achievement and only sold around 10k copies in the US.

-You should be able to see a bias towards older games.  This is intentional.  Everyone is very quick to throw the latest game atop the heap.  Games now, for the most part, are like big budget movies.  There really aren't that many that really make a lot of money because of increased production costs.  This is a bad trend in gaming.  Games are now rated on 'voice acting talent' the way they used to be rated on 'graphics and sound'.  There are some INCREDIBLE games out right now that are visually compelling and fun to play.  They mostly lose replay value because of elaborate cut scenes, dialogue etc.  Replay value is huge now because games cost $60.

-Final Note: I have beaten all the games on the above list that are beatable.

Your friend,

Gus Johnson's Whisper

People We Think Are Bamas Part VIII

This week’s bama is Ryan Phillipe. Why? There are so many reasons why that it’s almost too overwhelming. You know how you know something is so obvious and then that obtuse chucklehead is like: ‘Gimme an example’ but you can’t think of one on the spot and you get so furious because what you’re saying is obvious and this biscuithead is being stupid? You know that feeling? That’s us with Ryan Phillipe.

1^st, and most importantly, that ‘e’ at the end of his name is so dumb. Is it phillip-eh, philleep, phillip? No one knows. Guaranteed he changes it if he’s somewhere where he wants to sound cultured. You know when that bagadouche is in France he has them pronounce it all accented. Sickening. We hate that ‘e’ like Andy Reid hates facing a challenge decision.

2^nd, bruh? Ummmmmm bruh? You did not just get out of the shower. Why is your hair so wet looking? The state of perpetual wetness is so bamafied. That constant moisture hair is the equivalent of Antoine Walker doing a 3 second shimmy after a making a 1^st quarter 18-footer to put the Celtics down 10 to the Cavaliers in 2002.

3^rd, His marriage and then mysterious relationship ending with Reese Witherspoon. We hate how overhyped Reese Witherspoon is. She is the Troy Aikmen of actresses (Note: Aikman the analyst not the concussed player who never threw for more than 24 TDs in a season. His equivalent is Don Johnson). People just accept that she is the truth. Whatever. But R.Philleep-A, and her were like this young power couple except that she got acting roles and he pretended that he was that b*tchbot from Cruel Intentions in real life. His death scene in that movie is like watching an 8AM Sunday morning pickup hoops game at the Y. It really burned the buntcakes of Gus Johnson’s Whisper that these 2 were always on tv and that their break-up was all mysterious. Without looking it up, name something else he has been in. The only thing we could think of is that doo-doo movie about secret societies at Yale and that was 37 years ago. Was Craig T Nelson in that? Probably. How much better does the T make Craig Nelson? 200%? 500%?

4^th, He was on Inside the Actor’s Studio once and it seemed like he was so desperate to be there. The ballers are sort of like, sure, I’ll come by J. Lipton. You know that dude’s agent or PR person or whatever was hounding J Lip for weeks to squeeze Ryan Phillip-eh in.

-‘Hello is this James Lipton?”

JL: ‘Yes this is the J-Lizzy.’

-‘James, Tracy Masterson here from Team Phillip… PhilleepA… Phill-eep-eh… you know that dude with the wet and curly hair from that movie with the overhyped mouse chick that played Buffy on the TV show?’

JL: ‘Uh… yes… what can I do for you? I have to go prep for my show. I’ve got Kevin Spacey, Daniel Day Lewis, and Merrill Streep coming in this week…’

-‘We were hoping that you could squeeze Ryan Philipsa onto your show. He’s been making this pouty face for 20 minutes in my office and says he’s not going to eat until he gets on your show.’

JL: ‘Aaaiiight den, hit up my assistant and we’ll lock it down. One.’

5^th, he has kids. Imagine if that was your dad. Imagine him trying to teach you how to throw and catch? Can you picture him doing the thing with the football where he holds it sideways, puts it right next to his shoulder, leads with his elbow and shotputs it halfway between you and him then does an awkward laugh? We can picture that and it annoys us.

6^th, Who are his boys? Who does he hang out with? Do you think he has guys over to play Halo? What about to screen movies? Like when the Dark Knight comes out on blue ray, who is he calling to watch it on his huge screen? Guaranteed he won’t even watch it because he’s still salty that Heath Ledger got the part and he didn’t even get a call for Dancing with the Stars 6.

Smell you later Ryan Phillippe, you are a D1 All America Bama.

BCS... Really?

'Yes it's true... this man has no d*ck'.

That's Dan Beebe (not to be confused with Don, or that show Bebe's Kids which tens of people saw).  He's a bagadouche.

Here's what D Beebs and his crew from 'usually over-rated but actually tight this year' Big 12 (note: the Holy Roman Empire should have no impact on collegiate football.  Further, the use of Roman Numerals is awkward in general and is something that overly 'look how smart I am people' use to keep the rest of us down. Use numbers bruh.) did:

They couldn't decide who should play for the Big 12 title game against Missouri.  3 teams, Oklahoma, Texas, and Texas Technical University (note: It's actually just 'Tech'.  Isn't 'tech' an abbreviation for something?  Like, 'he's a tech guy', 'Tek from Real World, 'I'll deploy the Technobots).  So the rich men who are made rich by the BCS, waited for the BCS rankings to come out, and summarily decided that Oklahoma should play in the Conference Championship Game.

Forget the corruption, back-room glad-handing, and millions of dollars changing hands.  This is a gutless move.  This is the conference waiting for someone else to share their opinion, then coming out and saying: 'yes... well, we agreed all along.'  Without gut.  Here are some other gutless actions:

-Lou Diamond Phillips saying that Meg Ryan was dead in 'Courage Under Fire'.  Hard for us to criticize LDP, dude was Chavez in Young Guns, one of our favorite movies ever.  But come on bruh.

-The decision to release Final Fantasy 13 on XBOX 360.  There are XBOX people and there are PS 3 people.  They can hang out and play the other system but it is NOT cool for the signature games to just walk across to the other system.  This isn't 'red rover'.  The FF series is a Playstation series, just the same way that Halo is an XBOX thing.  Oil and water.

-The sensei from Karate Kid finding another karate guy and trying to ruin Daniel-san's life.  The kid won the All-Valley Karate Tournament.  Let it go broseph.

-Andy Reid passing a note to someone else who had to pass it to Donovan Mcnabb.  The note read: 

'Do you think you're benched?

Yes ______

No______'

-Lindsay Lohan going lesbian.  Just chicken.

-The people that make those top 100 video countdowns and always disrespect 'Smooth Criminal'.  Never gets talked about.  #1 in our opinion.

-Comedians who say 'Give it up for the ladies!'

-People not from New York who root for the Yankees.

-Networks who get all uppity about their content on youtube.  God forbid people see shows they like.  No I do not think there will be more traffic to cbs.com because it's the only place you can find NCIS.  Chooch.

-McDonald's for buying Roy Rogers and not keeping all the Roy Rogerses open.  The Frisco Bacon Cheeseburger is the greatest fast food sandwich of all time.  Unacceptable that it's gone.

Who's Got More?