The April Bama

Josh McDaniels. What a bama. Amazing. We're sure this dude knows offense pretty well and we get it, he's a young gun in a league desperate for some legit coaching talent. Let's go deeper as to why this chooch is a bama of the highest order.

-Is Brian Billick a great offensive mind? Everyone thought so when he coached the offense that (at the time) set the record for points in a season. 2 hall of fame receivers (1, the greatest deep threat ever and the other a 1st down machine), a great O-line, good running backs and a great veteran QB... we could look like a genius too. This is the same sustenad who made first downs look like 11 homeless guys rubbing wet sticks together in the rain when he coached in Baltimore. See our point? Hand a guy Tom Brady, that same greatest deep receiver ever, an incredible O-line and good running backs, and a 1st down making underneath guy... weird that his offense was good.

-The Bill Belichick coaching tree sucks like the dude who asks you what you do for a living in the 1st 30 seconds of a conversation. Wanna know who's successful? Nick Saban as a college coach. That's it and that's all.

Here come the rest of the chooch parade:

-Romeo Crennel: One of the 14 worst NFL head coaches we can name. Makes clock management look like splitting the atom with a pair of reeboks on your hands.

-Charlie Weis: Fat guy in a little coat

-Eric Mangini: Remember the time he didn't deserve his nickname? That's always.

-Al Groh (UVA): He recruits like he hates recruits

-Pat Hill (Fresno Sate): Remember when Reggie Bush had 500 total yards in a game? It was against Fresno State.

-Kirk Ferentz: After Ohio State, Michigan, Penn State, Michigan State, Wisconsin, and Purdue, they're the best team in the Big 10!

-Jim Schwartz: The new Detroit Lions coach. We'll see.

Why would anyone anoint a BB underling as next?

-You can tell that this enormous bama believes every word about him. What got lost in all of the Cutler gong show, was the fact that the new coach, alienated the franchise QB. The Broncos GM, had Cutler signed long term as the center of the team. They were going to build around him and have an outstanding young group of offensive players (Brandon Marshall, Eddie Royal, Ryan Clady, Ryan Harris). This was a young team on the way up. A great offense and a D that clearly needed to improve. Here comes the new coach... and he starts making pee pee on the center of it all. Players win games. Even though Cutler is a punk, he was still under contract. Part of coaching is figuring out how to get the most out of your players. Trading them for Kyle Orton is not getting the most out of a guy who threw for 4500 yards and 26TDs as a 25 year old.

-He rocks the same kind of gear as Belichick. This is now hacky. I dress down! Look at me! Hooded sweatshirt, I'm so one of the guys. Accept me! Why are you guys all leaving? Come back!

-His dumb short hair. You can tell it's one of those 'I don't have time for hair maintenance!' haircuts. You're not that important bruh.

-He went to John Carroll University and is the type of dude that sportswriters who sucked at sports always write about because bamas like McDaniels got overlooked and carved out careers for themselves and blah blah blah. Listen, sometimes guys develop late. Sometimes, guys weren't that good coming out of high school. When a small school guy makes it, there should be a ban on ball washing puff pieces from dumb columnists.

Congrats to Josh McDaniels. A true bama for the ages.

The Bama of the Week

'Just hang back a minute', 'Step back from the rope please', 'What's the name of the party?', 'Who you here to see?', 'How many people with you?', 'Are you on the list?'

These are all questions that doormen at sh*tty clubs ask.  This week's bama is every doorman at a club that has a one of those movie theater ropes to trick chooches into thinking that the establishment they are attending is legitimate.

First, a doorman is not a bouncer.  A bouncer is a legit job.  Those guys are under appreciated.  At real bars, they check IDs, do some bus boy work, have to step in and break up fights, throw guys out, occasionally beat someone's a$$, stay on their feet all night and get b*tched at by underaged chicks with bad fake IDs.  Some bouncers are annoying but as a whole, they are just big dudes who are trying to make some $ on the side.

That's not what a doorman is all about.  A doorman is probably listed as a 'promoter' or 'street sales associate' or something else that is falsified and lie-y.  He is the napoleonic, shaved-chested, shiny shirt sustenad that makes it miserable for people waiting in line and rewards his boys who inevitably roll up, skip the line, do that awkward hand shake-to-thug-hug move that is forced like geometry to freshman, and then go inside ordering bottle service and attracting the kinds of girls that they should be attracting.  To us, there is nothing less palatable then going to one of these places, with these kinds of people, doing these kinds of things.

Gus Johnson's Whisper has always lived in or around large Metropolises.  We have been to lots of different types of night life options and seen some things that no one should see and some things we wish everyone could see.  The point here is that nothing is worse than this kind of doorman douche rocket.  He is an a$$hole professionally.  Somewhere along the way, someone figured out that the best way to run a club was to tell people they couldn't get in.  They make 20-somethings who are aggressively eager to be seen in the 'right place' jump through hoops like a hamster.  Club doormen are the final piece of this puzzle.  

Here are some facts:

-Clubs want there to be lines outside the club of people waiting to get in.

-It builds a culture of 'we have to get there early if we want to get in.'

-If people are there longer, they spend more $ on adult beverages.

-If the early arrivers leave, there are others to take their place

So doorman von doesdrugs will pace around to give the appearance that he is incredibly busy.  He will occasionally make appearances outside close to the waiting masses as terrible patrons try to get his attention and establish some kind of connection as to why they should be allowed to enter.  He dismisses them and speaks into a cell phone or possible an earpiece that is necessary like bunting in the 9th up 12 runs.  He gives the impression that he barely has enough time to complete any of his numerous responsibilities which in reality, are limited to what is described in this paragraph.  He lets in a group of chicks that are freezing cold because they dressed turbo-slutty, these chicks are why atrocious dudes who are scumbags frequent these places to spend vast sums, and this is why the club lets in groups of slutty looking chicks.

This guy is a big deal in NY for example.  

http://nymag.com/daily/food/2008/04/tenjune_doorman_alex_julian_ni_1.html

Imagine this.  Picture it.  Good heavens.  How anyone could buy into this culture and enable such behavior is beyond us.

His job is to be a bad person.  What do you do professionally sir?  Wow, you're a bad person and get to name your own price for a job that ANYONE, literally anyone, can do?  A$$.  We're not spiritual by any means on this blog but we sure hope that this dude gets stuck in line beyond the velvet rope while everyone else gets into heaven.  

Club Doorman = Bama.

Back to Bamas

The other day, someone goes, 'you need to get back to doing bamas posts.  It's your bread and butter.  Taking those punk b*tches down a notch or two is good for everyone.'  Mom was right.  It's on.

This week's bama is Josh Childress.

Oooooh, is this a new trend for NBA players?  Taking money overseas?  Wow, what an innovative move!  Incredible that Josh Childress and his people had the foresight to make this happen!  Will this start a flood of talent going overseas?

No.

It's good for this dude that he got 20 mil to be an average player over in Greece.  Can't fault him for that.  The reasons he is a bama are as follows:

-His dumb hair.  We hate it when nerdy black dudes have Menace to Society Hair.  You went to Stanford you nerd.  You are a soft nerd with no real game.  The fro is bamafied unless you have A) been in prison, B) recorded a tight rap album that will still be tight in 15 years, C) are the fun black dude that always knows where the party is.  This is not Josh Childress.

-His non-game.  Here are some of the tight 3s out there: Lebron, Caron Butler, Danny Granger, Kevin Durant, Carmelo, Paul Pierce, Josh Howard.  Josh Childress fits with this group like the angry, protesting, lesbiany chick fits in at a model party.  You're too small to be a 4, but at least you can't score.

-The fact that this move spawned all sorts of absurd discussions about actual tight NBA players going to Europe.  The whole 'will Kobe go play somewhere?' thing was annoying like local tv ads.

-The fact that he isn't even dominating his JV Euro experience.  Listen bruh, at least be in the top half league wide.  What's that?  You are averaging 13 and 3 in THE GREEK LEAGUE?  You put up 9 and 5 in the Euroleague?  Jump back.  Our apologies.  At least he's out now with a 'sports hernia' which we believe is the equivalent of having a bruised ego.  Note: we are not doctors.

-Last, he was on the cover of ESPN College Hoops 2K5.  This confirms several things.  1st, the 2k series of video games are dumb.  2nd, Was Erik Barkely not available?  3rd, college basketball games are not tight.  4th, Josh Childress stands for inferior products.

So there you have it.  Thanks Josh Childress.  Thanks a lot you Greek bamapolis.

No Bamas This Week, Instead: A Video Game Countdown

This week, we are living bama free and are taking a break from our normal column.  Today, with some of our buddies, we were asked (because we are a relative authority on this), to compile a list of both the top NES (original Nintendo) and the top games on all systems.  The following is what was sent out to the group:

In a twist, I myself crashed.  I have now rebooted and believe I can come up with something for everyone.  I hope everyone enjoys this.

Nintendo Games for the original NES (note, you can play nintendo games online here: http://www.nintendo8.com/):

1) The Legend of Zelda

2) Metroid

3) Mike Tyson's Punchout (the version released after the rape charge had 'Mr Dream' at the end and was no where near as tight)

4) Dragon Warrior 

5) Super Tecmo Bowl

6) Castlevania II: Simon's Quest

7) Super Mario Brothers

8) Final Fantasy

9) Mega Man

10) Contra

11) The Adventures of Lolo

12) Kid Icarus

13) Baseball Stars (would be higher but it was frustrating because you would ALWAYS lose the saved data)

14) Star Tropics

15) Dragon Warrior IV

16) Wizards and Warriors (most underrated video game ever made) 

17) Maniac Mansion

18) Crystalis

19) Castlevania III: Dracula's Curse

20) Zelda II: The Adventure of Link

21) Rygar (this would be a top 3 game ever if there were continues or a password. You had to beat it in 1 sitting which lowers it)

22) Shadowgate

23) Super Mario Brothers 3

24) Ducktales

25) Faxanadu

Top video games on any system (PC not eligible):

1) The Legend of Zelda (NES).  I wrote an article about this for IGN.  It changed everything.  It was the Star Wars of Video Games.  Blended action RPG, smooth and layered gameplay, incredible story, perfect difficulty, graphically superior to it's contemporaries.  It was literally perfect.  Also, the cartridge was gold.

2) Final Fantasy VII (playstation): to give you an idea, this game has spawned 2 movies, 4 video game spin-offs, and millions of fans world wide.  Further, my boy ***** and I spent 199 hours and 59 minutes getting through half the game together.  400 hours.  The standard for all RPGs forevermore.  I literally just got dusty in my eyes thinking about how tight this game is.

3) Grand Theft Auto: Vice City (PS 2): They worked out the bugs so it played smooth, the soundtrack is INCREDIBLE, the things you get to do are amazing (you direct a porn movie with Jenna Jameson for example), the missions are great.  The series peaked right here.

4) Super Metroid (SNES): simply put, an amazing game

5) NHL 94 (Genesis): greatest sports game ever made

6) Mike Tyson's punchout (NES)

7) Zelda: Ocarina of Time (N 64)

8) Metal Gear Solid II (PS 2)

9) Mario Kart: think about the casual gamer.  Everyone, even ****** plays this game.

10) Castlevania: Symphony of the Night (PS)

11) Metroid (NES)

12) Halo (XBOX)

13) Tomb Raider (PS)

14) Chrono Trigger (SNES)

15) Resident Evil (PS)

16) Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time (PS 2)

17) Panzer Dragoon Saga (Sega Saturn)

18) Final Fantasy III (SNES)

19) Goldeneye (N 64)

20) Super Mario 64

21) Dragon Warrior NES

22) Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion (PS 3)

23) Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic (XBOX)

24) Final Fantasy Tactics (PS)

25) Devil May Cry (PS 2)

 

Some notes:

*****= name removed to protect the innocent

-NHL 93 vs NHL 94: The one-timers, better control, in game-options, empirically, made 94 a better game.  You cannot argue against the heart though.  I understand where you come from on this ******.

-There are lots of fighting games not on the list.  the problem I have with them is that this is more about 'the series' than any one game.  Each one, inherently lacks depth and his repetitive.  The various Mortal Kombats, Soul Calibers (the most recent with Darth Vader is amazing), and Tekkens can never get you the involved gameplay that are so important to me and other hardcore gamers

-System Breakdown:

NES: 4, Playstation: 5, Super Nintendo: 3, XBOX: 2, Nintendo 64: 3, Playstation 2: 4, PS 3: 1, Sega Saturn: 1, Sega Genesis: 2

-I started to do a system by system breakdown but thought that might be too much.

-There are a few titles on there who's commercial success did not match the stature of the game.  The Panzer Dragoon Saga came out right before the end of the Sega Saturn.  It was an absolute achievement and only sold around 10k copies in the US.

-You should be able to see a bias towards older games.  This is intentional.  Everyone is very quick to throw the latest game atop the heap.  Games now, for the most part, are like big budget movies.  There really aren't that many that really make a lot of money because of increased production costs.  This is a bad trend in gaming.  Games are now rated on 'voice acting talent' the way they used to be rated on 'graphics and sound'.  There are some INCREDIBLE games out right now that are visually compelling and fun to play.  They mostly lose replay value because of elaborate cut scenes, dialogue etc.  Replay value is huge now because games cost $60.

-Final Note: I have beaten all the games on the above list that are beatable.

Your friend,

Gus Johnson's Whisper

People We Think Are Bamas Part VIII

This week’s bama is Ryan Phillipe. Why? There are so many reasons why that it’s almost too overwhelming. You know how you know something is so obvious and then that obtuse chucklehead is like: ‘Gimme an example’ but you can’t think of one on the spot and you get so furious because what you’re saying is obvious and this biscuithead is being stupid? You know that feeling? That’s us with Ryan Phillipe.

1^st, and most importantly, that ‘e’ at the end of his name is so dumb. Is it phillip-eh, philleep, phillip? No one knows. Guaranteed he changes it if he’s somewhere where he wants to sound cultured. You know when that bagadouche is in France he has them pronounce it all accented. Sickening. We hate that ‘e’ like Andy Reid hates facing a challenge decision.

2^nd, bruh? Ummmmmm bruh? You did not just get out of the shower. Why is your hair so wet looking? The state of perpetual wetness is so bamafied. That constant moisture hair is the equivalent of Antoine Walker doing a 3 second shimmy after a making a 1^st quarter 18-footer to put the Celtics down 10 to the Cavaliers in 2002.

3^rd, His marriage and then mysterious relationship ending with Reese Witherspoon. We hate how overhyped Reese Witherspoon is. She is the Troy Aikmen of actresses (Note: Aikman the analyst not the concussed player who never threw for more than 24 TDs in a season. His equivalent is Don Johnson). People just accept that she is the truth. Whatever. But R.Philleep-A, and her were like this young power couple except that she got acting roles and he pretended that he was that b*tchbot from Cruel Intentions in real life. His death scene in that movie is like watching an 8AM Sunday morning pickup hoops game at the Y. It really burned the buntcakes of Gus Johnson’s Whisper that these 2 were always on tv and that their break-up was all mysterious. Without looking it up, name something else he has been in. The only thing we could think of is that doo-doo movie about secret societies at Yale and that was 37 years ago. Was Craig T Nelson in that? Probably. How much better does the T make Craig Nelson? 200%? 500%?

4^th, He was on Inside the Actor’s Studio once and it seemed like he was so desperate to be there. The ballers are sort of like, sure, I’ll come by J. Lipton. You know that dude’s agent or PR person or whatever was hounding J Lip for weeks to squeeze Ryan Phillip-eh in.

-‘Hello is this James Lipton?”

JL: ‘Yes this is the J-Lizzy.’

-‘James, Tracy Masterson here from Team Phillip… PhilleepA… Phill-eep-eh… you know that dude with the wet and curly hair from that movie with the overhyped mouse chick that played Buffy on the TV show?’

JL: ‘Uh… yes… what can I do for you? I have to go prep for my show. I’ve got Kevin Spacey, Daniel Day Lewis, and Merrill Streep coming in this week…’

-‘We were hoping that you could squeeze Ryan Philipsa onto your show. He’s been making this pouty face for 20 minutes in my office and says he’s not going to eat until he gets on your show.’

JL: ‘Aaaiiight den, hit up my assistant and we’ll lock it down. One.’

5^th, he has kids. Imagine if that was your dad. Imagine him trying to teach you how to throw and catch? Can you picture him doing the thing with the football where he holds it sideways, puts it right next to his shoulder, leads with his elbow and shotputs it halfway between you and him then does an awkward laugh? We can picture that and it annoys us.

6^th, Who are his boys? Who does he hang out with? Do you think he has guys over to play Halo? What about to screen movies? Like when the Dark Knight comes out on blue ray, who is he calling to watch it on his huge screen? Guaranteed he won’t even watch it because he’s still salty that Heath Ledger got the part and he didn’t even get a call for Dancing with the Stars 6.

Smell you later Ryan Phillippe, you are a D1 All America Bama.

People We Think Are Bamas Part V

It's Friday, you know what that means.  Here's our 5th installment of 'People We Think Are Bamas'.

Since history was made this week, we decided to go back in history to find this week's bama.

When lots of people hear the word 'bama', they think of this dude... or dudes like him.  This is the kind of dude that makes you go 'REALLY?'

Governor and professional bigot, George Wallace.  This is one of the worst dudes we've ever had.  Listen, we get that he was who he was in a different time.  We also get that we can look back at him with our 21st century values and it's easy to judge him; the same way people will judge us 50 years from now.  Whatever bruh.

Let old Gus Johnson's Whisper ask you a question.  What if we told you that there was a charismatic guy during a tumultuous time who ran on the simple platform of blaming a disadvantaged group of people for all of society's ills?  You'd go, 'whoa... sounds like Hitler.'  Yeah it does doesn't it... George Wallace you sweaty bigot.  This moose-knuckle ran on the platform of 'segregation... and also segregation'.  His most famous address, once elected governor, was written by a member of the trips K... who was also his cousin.  Don't you love history?

Know what we love?  Make-believe.  That bama died in 1998.  We wish we could wake him up, tape his eyelids open, and make him watch a 24-hour loop of gay men getting married and Barack Obama's address to the world after winning the election.

OK, back to why Wallace was a bama.  Now, we all know dude was racist.  That just makes him a racist.  What makes him a bama was that he acted like a little kid who didn't like the pick-up game so he tried to take his ball and go home.

Kennedy goes: 'Hey broseph... I'm thinking that human beings should just go ahead and go to school in the same place.'

Wallace response: 'Nah ah'.

Kennedy: 'Yeah... I'm gonna go ahead and kind of insist that we do that.'

Wallace response: 'Nah-ah'

Kennedy: 'Why are you making this weird?  Listen, Jackie Robinson broke into the bigs 16 years ago man.  We're talking about a school. So...'

Wallace: 'NO!  You're a meanie!'

Kennedy: 'George!  George!  You will not hold your breath until you turn blue again!  You get down from there this instant!  I will call the national guard!'

Wallace: 'You're a national guard!'

Kennedy: 'You're not even making sense now.'

Wallace: (crying) 'I hate you!  I hate you and I want to go home!'

Kennedy: 'George!  George!  I will count to 3...'

Cut to Wallace's speech in front of the school.

(Wallace whispers to someone near the stage.) GW: 'Hey, who are those red guys we don't like right now?'

(Guy whispers back) 'Uhhh tha' comm-yoon-ists?'

GW: 'Thanks'

(Wallace addresses crowd)

"The president wants us to surrender this state to Martin Luther King and his group of pro-communists who have instituted these demonstrations." 

Yup, he said that outloud.  F that dude and the horse he rode in on.  By the way, guaranteed that dude rode a horse.  We're not looking that up or anything, but didn't W the Rigot (racist bigot wombo) seem like the kind of dude who rode horses?  His horses had names like 'Hester' but because he was dumb and all southern he pronounced it 'Hess-tuh'.

In closing, Gus Johnson's Whisper is awfully proud to live here these days.  We wish it wasn't as big a deal as it is; we wish it was just an election but we all know it wasn't.  We're grateful that bamas like George Wallace lost.

People We Think Are Bamas Part IV

Without delay, here is this week's PWTAB.

This week's bama: Dudes that Review Bands for Rock Magzines (DRBRMs)

Hey guy, what did you study in school?  Music Theory?  Oh, you didn't?  You went to journalism school and went to concerts and wrote about them for your school paper which came out once a week and like 4 people took seriously but most of the students just turned to the joke page where the faculty advisor would allow anything because he was all overly liberal and thought that free expression entailed a cartoon of the dean doing a beer bong hit with his pants around his ankles peeing on an alumni parade before a football game?

You're a bama bruh.  

'The album's first track desperately seeks some grounding in the synthetic pop of the hey-day of the genre but has an unkeptness that debilitates its' introspective and poignant lyrics.  The intense marksmanship of the haunting bass line provides a melodrama into the transience of the band's core epistemological quest at self discovery but sadly falls short of the grand decoverte.'

The first song has decent lyrics but isn't that good.  Wow.  You herb.  Who does that?  Seriously?

WTF.edu?  Hey maybe if I overly complicate my snooty prose, I'll get taken seriously even though there is a 90% chance I'm a failed musician that will sit around and talk seriously with my other bama chums (note: bamas have chums) about the insipid nature of the music industry and whine about the lack of great bands these days?

Hi, I'm part of the problem, nice to meet you too.  What's that?  Yeah, I am that guy that writes those snarky reviews of bands in magazines that 8 people read.  What's that?  No I know you can't judge art and as much as I like or dislike something I know there are just as many people out there who feel the exact opposite... no I know that makes me a bagadouche.

So, did you dig the article?

We sure did bama.  Talk to you never.

People We Think Are Bamas

Every Friday, here at Gus Johnson's Whisper, we are running a regular feature called 'People We Think Are Bamas'.  For an explanation and some background, check out the original post.

Welcome back to our Friday “People We think Are Bamas” column. It’s been another lousy week for life in general. The stock market sucks. People continue to work themselves into a frenzy over the non-existant crisis.  I work from home like an Avon saleswoman (“Hi, we got some really nice eyeliner and lip gloss for y'all…wanna have a party?”).  

This week’s bama is Colin Farrell. I had to spell check his last name. Does it have one “r” and two “l”s or two “r”s and one “l”? Turns out his last name contains two “r”s and two “l”s. Pissed me off. Also, in the ultimate monkey wrench, his last name has an “a”, not an “e” to start. 

 

Why is he a bama? This question is like asking, “Why did Kevin want to touch Winnie Cooper?” Because she was hot. But that is not why Colin Farrell is a bama. He is a bama for singlehandedly ruining one of gusjohnsonswhispers’ favorite people in history of all time: Alexander the Great.  

We looked forward to the movie “Alexander” like a college senior looking forward to asking a college freshman at a bar: “You ready to get out of here?” Hopes of an epic moment. We saw previews and tight one-liners. Instead, we got Jared Leto constantly saying over and over “Alexander” except he said it in a weird pseudo British-Baltimorean accent that sounded like “Alekzonder”. And we can’t get the image of Farrell’s bare white a$$ out of our heads after his sesh with Rosario Dawson. Rosario, do us a favor, hon, when Colin Farrell comes at you, please pull the covers up over his naked body. You’re embarrassing yourself out there.  

This is how they depict arguably the greatest leader in history? Always crying and kissing Jared Leto on the mouth? Come on. He conquered whatever he wanted. I repeat: he conquered whatever he wanted. Hey Alexander, what do you want to conquer today? I think I’ll conquer Texas…and he did. And he left the locals to govern. Bam. No one does that anymore.  Nowadays, it's all: 'I conquer you and I'll leave some guys here to do it like I do it back where I'm cool.'

 The only great scene in the movie is when Alexander’s super game tight horse Bucephalus dies. I came close to tears. BUT THAT DOESN’T EXCUSE COLIN FARRELL. Another reason he is a bama is he always wears that fake-me-out rasta knit cap just above his hairline so it looks like it is about to fall off…but it always stays on…always. The deliberate non-deliberateness of that look makes me sick.  Also, S.W.A.T. was terrible.

It’s like how Bill Belichick wears the sweatshirt with the cut off sleeves to be all like “What!” but that means he sits in his office before the game with the hooded sweaty and scissors cutting off the sleeves. “Hey Coach, I was wondering…” “Just a minute, I have to finish cutting off this one last sleeve and I’ll be right with you. Also, can you grab an oven mit and take the cookies out?Remember, they need to sit for 10 minutes before you put your little hands on them…I made snicker doodles. Tell Adalius and Richard I’ll be there in one hot minute.” 

See you next week.

People We Think Are Bamas

Every Friday at Gus Johnson's Whisper, we'll have something special.  It's a recurring piece called: 'People We Think Are Bamas'.  Installment 1... Now:

Welcome to our regular Friday short piece: People We Think Are Bamas. What’s a Bama you ask? No, it’s not an Alabama football fan. Well, it might be, but not for these purposes. A bama is a DC slang term for a Larry, a Herb, a Chucklehead, a mamaluke, a sustenad, a chooch, or a dumbface. It’s the guy who thinks he’s cool but isn’t at all but some people think he is, which usually makes them bamas too.  

For the eight people who were born and raised and still live in Washington, DC, you know what I’m talking about. You know exactly what a bama is. One way to think of who is a bama is by recognizing someone who is not a bama. John Stamos…not a bama. He was on a tight sitcom, he divorced Rebecca Romijn but everyone still thinks she’s Rebecca Romijn Stamos, he is on ER now, and he stabs more a$$ than a pig farmer.  

For our “People I think Are Bamas” column, we want you to know these are not necessarily the people who made news, or people the bamas on the Best Damn Sports Show Period think are bamas. These are people we don’t like much like, in the same way that Godzilla doesn’t like Mothra (I, too, hate Mothra).  

This week’s bamas are none other than: House and Vijay Singh. House is the dude from the “new, crazy and edgy” doctor show. He walks around with a wack cane (note, all canes that don’t have secret swords in them are wack) and doles out zingers. I have never watched this show. Ever. All I see are the promos for it. They usually go something like this:  

Person: “But House, he could die if you go forward with that radical, never-tested procedure.” 

House: “Yeah. He probably will die. But wouldn’t that be cooooo-oooooool.” 

He also is like Australian or German or something and fakes an American accent. Annoys me. If he’s German, he should talk German. Also, sometimes I want to tear off that fake goatee off his face.  

Vijay Singh is self-explanatory. He all pretends to be as tight as Tiger Woods but then when he loses he gets all mad and angry and pretends he doesn’t know you. I hate his visor. I want his visor to burn so we can all see what his hair looks like. What does your hair look like, Vijay? No one knows. Also, I feel like he is too tall.  

Those are this week's bamas. Join us next week, for People We Think Are Bamas. Don’t hesitate to send us people we should consider.