Week 10... Faithfully

A taped on beard at a circus side show...

Week 9 and Communist Russia

This video is most honorable!

Redskins Public Service Announcement

Please help. Do it because it's right...

Shame and the Sherms

Redskins Week 6. Giddyup:

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The Best thing we have ever accomplished:

Week 3

Skins lose to Detroit. Delivery of poop burgers for everyone.

Redskins Week 2 Video

Week 2. Same as the old boss.

Redskins Week 1 Video

Please view it a minimum of 100 times.

We're Back!

It's been too long friends and readers and other people that search for things online and are randomly taken here. It's mostly our fault and here at Gus Johnson's Whisper, we promise anew to bring you things to read and comment on.

Here's some stuff on our minds:

-The Oregon Ducks getting all punchy at Boise State.

Look, we played sports at a pretty high level for a lot of years. We have argued, seemingly to no one, that teams should not interact after the game ends. We're a big believer in shaking hands before the game. Once the game starts, we are not your friend. Asking a young man to 'shut it off', especially in a sport that requires as much aggression as football, is a much harder task that non-athletic media members realize. Players should shake hands before the game and then retire to separate quarters. We're amazed there aren't more of these incidents in sports. 'WTF do you mean good game? You beat me and now I have to look at you and shake your hand and pretend it isn't eating at my soul?'

We learned our lesson the hard way when, after a regional game as a 14 year old, a 15 year old from Macon, GA punched our mouth after we told him 'great game' (we won 13-2). Pre-game shake people.

-Football is back.

We said football, but really meant absurdly large breasts... no, we meant football. Here's our quick hitting NFL preview so that you won't have to waste the next 26 weeks:

NFC Playoff teams: Giants, Eagles, Carolina, Minnesota, Green Bay, Seattle.

NFC Championship Game: Eagles/Green Bay - Eagles Win (we throw up on repeat)

AFC Playoff teams: New England, Indianapolis, San Diego, Pittsburgh, Baltimore, Tennessee

AFC Championship Game: New England/Baltimore - Baltimore Win

Superbowl: Eagles/Ravens - Ravens win and a crisis is averted.

-MLB Pennant Races

The Yankees are running away with the division. Their playoff rotation seems solid (Sabathia, Burnett, and Petite) but there are still some questions. They don't seem to know what to do about a 4th and 5th starter. No one notices because they score 46 runs per game right now but that's not how the playoffs go. Seems to us, the best chance they have to win this year is to make Joba the Hutt a reliever again. We think that's the secret behind the 3 inning performances of late. He turns into a weapon in a series. You can use him for 2-3 innings to get to Riviera. It shortens the game and he can just go out and pitch instead of trying to economize and pace himself. Who knows if that's what they do, but it's what we would do if we actually wanted to win the World Series.

The Angels and Tigers are both a little bit nasty but also flawed right now. Who knows who gets hot? (Cardinals '06 for example)but right now, we'd be nervous both as fans of these squads or as fans opposing them.

Short series with Detroit? It's cold and I have to see Verlander and Jackson twice? You might also get one of those 'rookie with huge sack' outings from Rick Porcello. Then again, you can pitch to most of their bats. Bunch of strikeout guys and spare parts around Miguel Cabrera so their offense is as scary as a Lifetime movie.

The Angels have a complete lineup that wears pitching down. The whole lineup is above .300 and they can all do it against good pitching because they don't muscle up. Their problem? What pitchers scare you? Lackey and Weaver are not the kind of power arms that usually rule the post season. After that? We went 2/2 vs Joe Saunders and hit a line drive so hard, he hurt his neck spinning around (no he didn't).

In the NL, Philly looks old all of a sudden don't they? Rollins isn't the same and Ibanez realized that he is, in fact, Raul Ibanez and stopped the fantasy ruining nonsense. The Dodgers have a different lineup every day and their pitching is kind of breaking down. The Cards look great but that's just it. When was the last time the team that was 'supposed to' won the NL? It's always a wild card team or some forgotten division winner. Go back and look. The Cards are complete but you still see a weakness or 2 in there (bullpen has been a little shaky of late, someone between Ankiel/Duncan/Rasmus/DeRosa has to hit).

Still, the prediction is...

Yankees vs Cardinals - Yanks win. Annoying.

More to come.

The Rise and Fall of Cities

Sports are built on cycles. The seasons, the ups and downs, dominance and rebuilding, and steroid cycles also...

Lots of cities have gone through really sucky periods in their sports history. Being in a losing city is like getting punched by a boxer in the stomach when you least expect it every day. Since no one watches boxing anymore, we'll go through each city's 'downtime' and give you a boxer.

Washington, DC: Bernard Hopkins.

It's happening right now people. We are DC guys and it sucks to be a fan of DC sports these days. We picked Hopkins because he is annoying strategist kind of fighter that might hit you in the nutsos when the official has his head turned. The Caps just lost to the Pittsburgh Voldemorts, the Nationals spent $9 on their payroll and their pitching would not win prizes at fairgrounds where you have to knock things over with a ball, the Wizards just got a Superfly Snooka Elbow with the 5th pick in the draft and are locked into the same perennial 6 seed roster for the next several years... and the Redskins... ugh. At least the ownership doesn't get it. Every offseason there is a yardsale and a gongshow outside Redskins Park. Trading Campbell, the Cutler shabingus, the Haynesworth contract, and the general unwillingness to actually build a team through the draft like... ALL THE OTHER SUCCESSFUL TEAMS EVER.

Philadelphia: George Foreman.

This is the angry George Foreman who used to be a baddass and punched really hard. Before the Phillies title last year, the went 25 years without a major sports title and just a few whiffs of success. For us, we like it when they don't get stuff because we hate that city like we hate tapas. Order your own food bruh. We're gonna order what we want and no I don't want to share your kelp. Think about Vinny Derucci with his McNabb jersey leaving the Vet after a playoff collapse. That's a George Forman 1973 gut punch.

Cleveland: Mike Tyson.

Now, this is Cleveland's entire sports history before Lebron. Now, a pro sports title is plausible as long as he's in town and allowed to travel in crunch time and have anyone that fouls him fined by the league. But before Lebron (BL)? They were famous for 'being on the court/field while another team had a great moment'. From Ehlo to Renteria, these fans were getting Mike Tyson in his prime drilled in the gut. Also, Cleveland is in Cleveland.

Seattle: Mohammed Ali.

They LOST A BASKETBALL TEAM! The Mariners have 1 meaningful playoff series win in their history (that great series vs the Yankees when Jr. scored from first on Edgar's double). This town of angst is getting punched all the time from all different angles like Ali used to drop on his opponents. Why does the side of my face hurt? Who hit me? Who hit me just then and where is my tooth?

Detroit: The Angry Mob in the movie Police Academy.

0-16, the Pistons wilting, the Tigers kind of treading water. Things are not awesome in Rock City these days. We actually saw an ad on tv with Kid Rock trying to get people to come to Detroit. That's like having one of those prostitutes from that HBO show about prostitutes in Atlantic City trying to get you to visit Atlantic City and to bring your whole family.

Kansas City: Ricardo Mayorga.

No one talks about him and he is nasty. He is like a quiet assassin. Similarly, no one talks about how crappy it is a Kansas City fan. The Royals were good almost 30 years ago. They are now a glorified developmental program for future stars. They're off to a nice start this year. How many of you out there see that lasting? They are one Grienke anxiety attack away from winning 9 games the rest of the year. The fans are getting punched in the tummy everyday with their 2nd class citizenship. No other teams to root for either. It's a... what's that? The Chiefs are still there? Really? You just don't hear about them for so long... well anyway, the Chiefs suck too.

Oakland: Evander Holyfield.

Evander was one of the hardest working men ever. And Oakland works hard to tag their fans with speed bag punches to the bread basket. For all the 'Moneyball' hype, the As never won squat. They have made a huge number of terrible deals for prospects that have worked out like a turd sandwhich social. And the Raiders? How about the worst owner in pro sports outworking every other owner to shaft the fans of a once storied franchise?

There you have it, the fans of these cities are or were getting gut punched on the regular. Sucks to be a fan these days.

Redskins Want Highest Paid Player At Every Position

The Washington Redskins caused a stir around the NFL by making Albert Haynesworth the highest paid defensive player of all time.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/02/27/AR2009022703312.html

The $100 million deal is really a 3-4 year deal where Haynesworth will receive around $60 million give or take a few... million.

The Redskins, quickly realizing that having the highest paid player at each position was the only real way to build a team:

http://voices.washingtonpost.com/redskinsinsider/

2009/02/dockery_agrees_to_deal_with_sk.html

'We liked what we did there,' said a wide-eyed Vinny Cerrato fresh off of a 4-day Choose Your Own Adventure Adventure at the estate of Dan Snyder where he had to answer questions about football, team-building, local trivia, and cartoons from the 80s.  'You remember Jabberjaw,' the delirious Cerrato went on.  'He's a shark and he's hanging out with these kids under water.  That's what we tried to do here.  We think Albert is a heck of player that eats like a predatory animal.'

The team didn't stop there.  In a dizzying 48 hours, the Redskins paid Deangelo Hall, $54 million putting him among the top paid cornerbacks in the league.  'I didn't expect that,' said Joel Segal, Hall's agent and racquetball partner.  'We're thinking that a guy who got run out of two places because of attitude problems then behaved well for 8 weeks in order to earn a paycheck is going to get less than that.  But that's great, just great.  They come in before other teams bid and offer you more money than you could have gotten from anyone else.  You don't see that enough in sports.'

In a rare public statement to the team's fans through his personally dictated blog on his radio station website for southern Prince George's County, owner Daniel M. Snyder boasted: 'Obviously, the salary cap is for pu$$ies'.

The Redskins, owners of an 8-8 record despite a 6-2 start, still have several holes to fill.  Many fans believe the team is not done on the free agent market.  'I think they're not done,' said Redskins fan Justin Ramsey when asked if he thought the team was done in the free agent market and then read the card with the words 'I think they are not done' on it.  The word around the league is that the team will make a run at Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis to address the need at defensive end.

Cerrato on the teams next move: 'If you look at a guy's video game rating, and that is something we do look at.  You see a guy that has the 'mentor' team role which gives the guys around him a 1 point awareness boost when he's on the field.  86 speed and 99 awareness.  We'd want him to come in and play defensive end for us and contribute on offense as the center.  He's so good at making calls that you want him making those line calls for protections.  Also, there was this one episode of Yogi Bear where the Ranger actually assisted with a murder then lied to investigators about it.  The Ranger was still on the show and is a beloved character.'

It wasn't just NFL players getting into the act.  Sensing a franchising opportunity, BMX legend Matt Hoffman was seen doing tricks in the orange parking lot at FedEx Field.  'Money is money!' shouted Hoffman before executing a reverse fakie 180 grinder while making the 'I'm stoked' signal with his point finger and pinkie.  Hoffman was not scheduled to visit any other teams in the Free Agency period that began last Friday.

With all the dollars spent on a few players, one NFL executive who declined to be identified was concerned about the direction of the franchise: 'I think they're actually going to have to lineup without a linebacker on 1st and 2nd downs.'

Does This Happen To You?

We liked the first one, so we put up part 2.

A Fan in December

This is what it's like to be a Redskins fan on a Sunday in December. Produced by Gus Johnson's Whisper correspondent, Danny Rouhier.



Enjoy.

The Vasgersian

It sounds like a deviant sexual maneuver doesn't it?  It's not.  Well, maybe it is.  Maybe someone out there is as weird as we are and figured out what we're about to tell you.  Note: that person needs help.  If you know them, don't turn your back on them.

If you're an NFL fan, you're probably a bit delusional about your team.  You believe they'll pull it out, or bring it in a big game, or even show the world that they are a force to be reckoned with on a Sunday or Monday night.  The reality?  Unless you are a fan of 1 of 3 teams over the past 5 years, you're delusional.  You're squad, in all likelihood, is in the perpetual mediocre cesspool of 'if we win our next 3, and they lose 2 and they lose to one of the teams we beat we can get the #6 seed'.  You need to know the truth NFL fan.  You want to know what the networks are doing to tell you where your team stands?

The networks that cover the games have a hierarchy.  For Fox, it goes like this:

-Buck/Aikman- According to Troy, Joe Buck has never been wrong.  

-Albert/Johnston/Siragusa - The Goose says: 'they didn't even get a hand on him on that play'.  (5 seconds pause because they are worried that Goose will shout something else) Albert says - 'so, the Falcons will try the extra point...'

-Stockton/Baldinger- The Baldinger pinky needs its own horror movie.

-Rosen/Ryan- 'Do you know us?  We just call the game and offer insight.  Sorry we're this low.'

-Pitts/Boselli- Pitts plays tricks on Boselli.  He says things like: 'if you were an expansion team now, what position would you draft first?'

-Brennaman/Billick- 'Trust me Baltimore, I know quarterbacks."

-Vasgersian/JC Pierce: (Fan) 'Who?  Is that the guy from Celebrity Blackjack?'

If you go an entire season without getting a Vasgersian dropped on you, your team is relevant.  But, if you tune in, and you are treated to the melody of Matt Vasgersian and JC 'The Carpenter" Pierce, your team is off the radar.  Sorry Seattle Seahawks and Washington Redskins.  The networks dropped a Vasgersian on you this weekend.  Skins fans, you think you're squad is in the hunt right?  7-4 seems like a good place to be doesn't it?  Well, the good people at Fox are renting a regulation harness, a pulley system, and some high tension wire.  Then they are dropping a hot, sweaty Vasgersian on your chest while you try to sleep.  It's a shock.  Minding your business and then you get smacked in the mouth with a little:

MV: 'Matt Vasgersian and JC Pierce with you for the second half in Seattle.  And JC, the Redskins are moving the ball but they're not scoring a ton of points.'

JC The Carpenter: 'You're absolutely right Matt.  The Redskins just aren't coming away with points.  If you're Jim Zorn, you've got to be concerned about that.'

(cut to Redskins fan standing in his living room staggering like a boxer getting a standing 8 count.  He's holding a beer in his left hand and a chip with some dip in his right hand.  The dip falls to the floor in slow motion as a sad high-voiced song plays like one of those in the movies that mean a character has sacrificed himself to save someone else and they have to let him go.  As the dip hits the carpet, deep drum beat.  The fan casts his gaze to the ground.  He looks back up at the tv with a hollow look of disbelief.  On screen, the referees gather to decide if a player was offside or if there was a false start.  JC says that a false start is 'inexcusable right there'.  The refs determine that it was an off-sides penalty.  Pierce explains why no offensive player should ever false start.  The fan closes his eyes because he now knows the truth.)

NFL football fans beware.  The Vasgersian is lurking.  It could happen at any moment.  Look at your roster, your schedule, and your results this year.  Make an honest assessment.  If you prepare yourself, the shock of a Vasgersian won't be as traumatic.  We can save lives.