Friday, March 6, 2009

Wizards Seek NBA Rule Change

Today, Washington Wizards GM Ernie Grunfield filed a brief with the NBA Office in New York with little fanfare.  After reading this article in the Washington Post:

It occurred to Grunfeld that the Wizards were being short changed in the way games were being officiated and counted.


The brief never made it to the desk of David Stern, NBA Commissioner and eater of city councilmen who won't do new arena deals at the expense of citizens.  Instead, the brief was read by an intern and then summarily shredded and subsequently burned.  What were it's contents?  Our street correspondent, Bubb Rubb, was able to salvage some of the ashes and said:

'That's only in da mow-nin.  You 'posed to be up cookin bref-fest by then...'

Bubb Rubb has since been fired by Gus Johnson's Whisper.

We were able to determine that the Wizards' GM was attempting to get the league to change the rules so that 'Hustle Stats' would count in the final outcome of the game.  Example:

If Wizards SF and busted jump-shooter Dominic 'Have Trouble Throwing It Into the Ocean from the Beach' McGuire bricks an open jumper off the bottom of the front of the rim, chases the rebound out of bounds and dives into the 3rd row before the possession changes, under current NBA rules, that counts as nothing.

Grunfeld wanted the league to review its scoring policy.  'For so long, we've been under the same fascist system of 'baskets' and 2s and 3s and sometimes free throws.  So maybe I'm outside the box on this and maybe I wanted to deflect attention away from the fact that I signed Etan Thomas, to one of the worst contracts in history, or that Deshawn Stevenson will be here 3 more years.  Let's find a way to make this thing work.  Hurry home soon Gilbert.'

Under Grunfeld's plan, McGuire would be averaging a staggering 41 points per game.  The most valuable points under this system are given to guys who can't actually score.  Grunfeld's system lowers the value of so called 'dominant players' like Kobe Bryant, Dwayne Wade, and Lebron James.  The system is also creative in other ways.

Power forwards baskets will only count for .25 points.  This is an attempt to slow the trend,  since the arrival of Antawn Jamison, of power forwards having career games vs the Wizards.  When asked about his opinion of the new plan, Atlanta Hawks 4th option Marvin Williams said, "Oh hell no son!  I need them Wizards games to keep that average up!  Yo, you can't just get 28 and 12 on everybody!"

The plan has some other tricky facets.  According to our sources, here is what we know:

-Point Guards are not allowed to penetrate past the free throw line and easily break down a defense.  The must stay outside a new circular arc to be painted 15 feet around the basket.

-Teams without any consistent outside shooters get a 13 point pre-game bonus

-Teams that have no reason to play veterans and some younger players to develop but continue to give meaningful minutes to said veterans receive Domino's Pizzas in the locker room after road games.

-Any team that is willing to start an unathletic 6'8" Lithuanian at Center is given the 6 seed in the Eastern Conference regardless of record.

-Any team with a big man that is scared of the better big men in the league (Howard, Garnett) but puffs up against scrubs will be allowed 5 free dunks to be followed by mandatory 'look at me' chest pounds and subsequent 'skyward finger points'.  A 1 point bonus per dunk will be included if the players on the bench execute the 'hold me back because I'm laughing so hard' move.

Needless to say, the measure did not pass the hurdles necessary to be brought before the NBA Competition Committee.  'We'll keep trying,' said Grunfeld.  'It's not fair that we are the worst team in basketball.  It's the fault of the rules and not the brutal team I assembled while preaching continuity in order to keep my job.'

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