Monday, March 2, 2009

Redskins Want Highest Paid Player At Every Position

The Washington Redskins caused a stir around the NFL by making Albert Haynesworth the highest paid defensive player of all time.

The $100 million deal is really a 3-4 year deal where Haynesworth will receive around $60 million give or take a few... million.

The Redskins, quickly realizing that having the highest paid player at each position was the only real way to build a team:

'We liked what we did there,' said a wide-eyed Vinny Cerrato fresh off of a 4-day Choose Your Own Adventure Adventure at the estate of Dan Snyder where he had to answer questions about football, team-building, local trivia, and cartoons from the 80s.  'You remember Jabberjaw,' the delirious Cerrato went on.  'He's a shark and he's hanging out with these kids under water.  That's what we tried to do here.  We think Albert is a heck of player that eats like a predatory animal.'

The team didn't stop there.  In a dizzying 48 hours, the Redskins paid Deangelo Hall, $54 million putting him among the top paid cornerbacks in the league.  'I didn't expect that,' said Joel Segal, Hall's agent and racquetball partner.  'We're thinking that a guy who got run out of two places because of attitude problems then behaved well for 8 weeks in order to earn a paycheck is going to get less than that.  But that's great, just great.  They come in before other teams bid and offer you more money than you could have gotten from anyone else.  You don't see that enough in sports.'

In a rare public statement to the team's fans through his personally dictated blog on his radio station website for southern Prince George's County, owner Daniel M. Snyder boasted: 'Obviously, the salary cap is for pu$$ies'.

The Redskins, owners of an 8-8 record despite a 6-2 start, still have several holes to fill.  Many fans believe the team is not done on the free agent market.  'I think they're not done,' said Redskins fan Justin Ramsey when asked if he thought the team was done in the free agent market and then read the card with the words 'I think they are not done' on it.  The word around the league is that the team will make a run at Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis to address the need at defensive end.

Cerrato on the teams next move: 'If you look at a guy's video game rating, and that is something we do look at.  You see a guy that has the 'mentor' team role which gives the guys around him a 1 point awareness boost when he's on the field.  86 speed and 99 awareness.  We'd want him to come in and play defensive end for us and contribute on offense as the center.  He's so good at making calls that you want him making those line calls for protections.  Also, there was this one episode of Yogi Bear where the Ranger actually assisted with a murder then lied to investigators about it.  The Ranger was still on the show and is a beloved character.'

It wasn't just NFL players getting into the act.  Sensing a franchising opportunity, BMX legend Matt Hoffman was seen doing tricks in the orange parking lot at FedEx Field.  'Money is money!' shouted Hoffman before executing a reverse fakie 180 grinder while making the 'I'm stoked' signal with his point finger and pinkie.  Hoffman was not scheduled to visit any other teams in the Free Agency period that began last Friday.

With all the dollars spent on a few players, one NFL executive who declined to be identified was concerned about the direction of the franchise: 'I think they're actually going to have to lineup without a linebacker on 1st and 2nd downs.'

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