Friday, January 16, 2009

The Letdowns

We saw Gran Torino yesterday.  It is just terrible.  We have no idea how anyone could be giving this piece of soiled undies a positive review.  We can only assume that every reviewer follows the flock and wants to be the most effusive to kiss the buttocks of Clint Eastwood.  It's fashionable to sweat his films like gym socks (just like it's fashionable to hate on George Lucas, Michael Bay etc).  Here's the thing, we like CE.  We were hyped to see this thing and left feeling like we got duped like the time the older bully in our neighborhood convinced us to trade an original Optimus Prime for 4 1st series Garbage Pail Kids (Mean Gene, Ray Decay, Large Marge, and Up Chuck).

This led us to think about how many sports disappointments there have been this and how many movies they remind us of... because of the letdown.

The New York Giants - Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines.  Way to dominate that home game #1 seed.  We looked forward to T3 like it was no one's business.  T1 and 2 are pantheon.  T3 is a loud fart at a dinner party; the wind of which guides Eli's backfoot fluttering passes into the arms of waiting defenders.  'I'll take 'Ordinary Without Plaxico for 100'.  Is it any wonder that T3 sucked without Edward Furlong, the 'Plax of the Terminator series'?

The Tennessee Titans - Eragon.  You didn't really think this squad was going to do it right?  But you held out some hope they would get it right.  After all, the book (regular season) was so impressive, how could they not bring it on the big stage?  Even with Jeremy Irons, John Malkovich, and Djimon Hounsou, this movie felt like being lied to by your wife.  Eragon under-used Hounsou like the Titans under-used Vincent Young.

The Dallas Cowboys - Righteous Kill.  So much talent!  So much talent!  Pacino! Deniro! Dennehy!  Wahlberg!  Leguizamo!  Did anyone see this movie?  We didn't.  But we did watch the Cowboys eat a turdburger.  5 stars!

The New York Mets - Star Wars: The Clone Wars.  'Called strike 3.  Delgado (Skywalker) just frozen on the breaking ball.  So that's all from Atlanta and the Mets drop ANOTHER one to the Braves.  Their lead in the division (Star Wars fans) has shrunk to 2 games (fans).

Freddy Adu - Alexander.  The savior of the MLS.  The future of USA soccer.  The youngest king to rule the world.  All we got was a bench player for DC United and Jared Leto screaming 'Alexzonder' at a teary Colin Farrell.  Both of these items are letdowns due to mismanagement.  So annoying.

Brett Favre - 3 Ninjas Kick Back.  Haha kidding.  We knew both these things would be terrible.  'Hi, I'm a selfish egomaniac who throws big interceptions. Eli Manning has a superbowl because I threw an unforgivable pick to go along with my other unforgivable picks.  I don't want to make a decision on my future now, I'll keep a cloud of doubt over the organization so that it becomes a distraction for everyone involved.  I think I've earned that right to hold any team hostage.  Forget everyone else in the building, this thing is about me.' - Evan Bonifant (Tum Tum)

The Baseball Hall of Fame Voters: W.  You had the chance to do something great and you blew it like Don Deckinger.  One of the worst things to happen to sportswriting over the last 15 years or so is the increased power of the New England journalists.  The 'no one listens to us' that mirrored the 'woe is us' BS from fans has morphed into a Sauron-esque hold on the minds of the men that cover the game.  It's how you get things like Dustin Pedroia as MVP (wasn't even the MVP of his team.  Youklis played 3 different positions without missing a beat (any idea how hard it is to go from 1st base and the OF and take balls off the chest at 3B?  Of course you don't sportswriter puke who never played), drove in tons of runs while Papi was down and out, and had better #s everywhere: OPS, OB%, Runs created (206-201)).  It's also how you get BS like Jim Rice getting into the Hall while Mark McGwire, Andre Dawson, and Bert Blyleven sit on the sidelines.  I don't care if you think/know Mac cheated.  You don't get to legislate after the fact.  He was allowed to play and your little personal stand is embarrassing.  The same way that Oliver Stone's little stand was embarrassing.

The Washington Wizards - Spider-Man 3.  We'll just run the same group out there that made the playoffs the last few years and be fine... AWK-WARD!

Those are our letdowns.  Who's got more?

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