Friday, January 30, 2009

The Bama of the Week

'Just hang back a minute', 'Step back from the rope please', 'What's the name of the party?', 'Who you here to see?', 'How many people with you?', 'Are you on the list?'

These are all questions that doormen at sh*tty clubs ask.  This week's bama is every doorman at a club that has a one of those movie theater ropes to trick chooches into thinking that the establishment they are attending is legitimate.

First, a doorman is not a bouncer.  A bouncer is a legit job.  Those guys are under appreciated.  At real bars, they check IDs, do some bus boy work, have to step in and break up fights, throw guys out, occasionally beat someone's a$$, stay on their feet all night and get b*tched at by underaged chicks with bad fake IDs.  Some bouncers are annoying but as a whole, they are just big dudes who are trying to make some $ on the side.

That's not what a doorman is all about.  A doorman is probably listed as a 'promoter' or 'street sales associate' or something else that is falsified and lie-y.  He is the napoleonic, shaved-chested, shiny shirt sustenad that makes it miserable for people waiting in line and rewards his boys who inevitably roll up, skip the line, do that awkward hand shake-to-thug-hug move that is forced like geometry to freshman, and then go inside ordering bottle service and attracting the kinds of girls that they should be attracting.  To us, there is nothing less palatable then going to one of these places, with these kinds of people, doing these kinds of things.

Gus Johnson's Whisper has always lived in or around large Metropolises.  We have been to lots of different types of night life options and seen some things that no one should see and some things we wish everyone could see.  The point here is that nothing is worse than this kind of doorman douche rocket.  He is an a$$hole professionally.  Somewhere along the way, someone figured out that the best way to run a club was to tell people they couldn't get in.  They make 20-somethings who are aggressively eager to be seen in the 'right place' jump through hoops like a hamster.  Club doormen are the final piece of this puzzle.  

Here are some facts:

-Clubs want there to be lines outside the club of people waiting to get in.
-It builds a culture of 'we have to get there early if we want to get in.'
-If people are there longer, they spend more $ on adult beverages.
-If the early arrivers leave, there are others to take their place

So doorman von doesdrugs will pace around to give the appearance that he is incredibly busy.  He will occasionally make appearances outside close to the waiting masses as terrible patrons try to get his attention and establish some kind of connection as to why they should be allowed to enter.  He dismisses them and speaks into a cell phone or possible an earpiece that is necessary like bunting in the 9th up 12 runs.  He gives the impression that he barely has enough time to complete any of his numerous responsibilities which in reality, are limited to what is described in this paragraph.  He lets in a group of chicks that are freezing cold because they dressed turbo-slutty, these chicks are why atrocious dudes who are scumbags frequent these places to spend vast sums, and this is why the club lets in groups of slutty looking chicks.

This guy is a big deal in NY for example.  

Imagine this.  Picture it.  Good heavens.  How anyone could buy into this culture and enable such behavior is beyond us.

His job is to be a bad person.  What do you do professionally sir?  Wow, you're a bad person and get to name your own price for a job that ANYONE, literally anyone, can do?  A$$.  We're not spiritual by any means on this blog but we sure hope that this dude gets stuck in line beyond the velvet rope while everyone else gets into heaven.  

Club Doorman = Bama.

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