Running Diary of Round 1

On Friday March 20^th, Gus Johnson’s Whisper got together with The World’s Ombudsman to watch the tournament.  The following is a running diary.

 

Running Diary:

1PM-GJW arrives at the TWO’s apt.  We eat dumplings.  The full meal cost $4.  Recession b*tches.

1:10-1:30-We look at facebook pictures.

1:30-CBS gives us Gus Johnson then takes him away.  This is a cruel act.

1:31-GJW makes the first joke about Jim Spanarkal (who is partnered with I-an Eagle).  One of the jokes involves the word ‘merkel’.

1:33-The OK St./Tenn game comes on because it’s close.  Vern Lundquist.  Really?  This feels like figure skating.  This game is a reminder that the Big XII and SEC were really terrible this year.

1:38-We realize that when you watch games online on NCAA.com, you can’t switch games during commercials.  We both realize this is smart because that’s exactly what you want to do but it’s also annoying because that’s exactly you want to do.

1:45-Gus Johnson is back.  Len Elmore tells us that turnovers are bad for a team with a lead.  There was some confusion over this.  Settled!

1:46-TWO informs us that he picked North Dakota State to beat Kansas.  This is not a good pick, even if they win, it’s still not good.  This is like someone bragging about how early they wake up in the morning.  You know what?  I’m more rested than you because sleep is awesome.

1:48- Gus Johnson is building his excitement.  3 point game with 14 to play.  Kansas is nervous.  GJ is excited.  He can sense that upset.  He’s like a lion stalking a herd of gazelle on the African plains.

1:52-NDST makes a bucket.  We discuss the white wash and how awkward it is for the one black guy on the bench.  What music gets played in the locker room?

1:55-TWO explains the definition of a ‘Cheap 6’.  We can’t link to it here but it’s fascinating.

1:56- Gus Johnson compares a SDST player to Steve Nash and accuses him of being ‘A BALLER!’  We love Gus Johnson.

1:58-Applebees Commercial.  Who goes to Applebees?  Like who says: ‘I need to hit up the Bees right now or I’ll be so angry I could spit’?

2:00-GJ is just carrying Len Elmore right now.  LE is reading off stats with the excitement of a librarian on lithium.  Why can’t they just pair GJ with Raftery?  I guess that makes too much sense.

2:03-GJ makes a joke about Archie Bell.  Who in hell is Archie Bell?  It’s as awkward as it sounds. 

2:04-A BS charge is called against NDST.  The charge is ruining basketball.  We blame Duke.

2:06-NDST has no answer for Collins or Aldrich.  The 3s aren’t falling.  Yet, they are only down 5.  Ben Woodside.  Remember that name.  Remember it because you’ll never see him again unless you take a tour of a national park.  He’ll be giving the tour.

2:07-GJ has to read a promo for the Mentalist.  We’re going to have to watch the show now.  That’s how good GJ is, he makes terrible crime dramas on CBS sound serviceable.

2:15-Kansas goes up 10.  GJ says they are beginning to ‘stiffen up’ the D.  See you later Gus.  We’re changing games now.

2:18-Shot of Travis Ford, Oklahoma State’s coach.  TWO and GJW discuss how he could pull a great Billy Hoyle routine on an all black court in LA.  ‘I may be a chump.  Just saying that ain’t my name.  I played for Pitino.’

2:20-Verne Lundquist says ‘double bonus’.  It sounds like he’s talking about a real estate deal.  He fits college hoops like a bear fits into a book club.

2:23-GJW and TWO eat a Clementine.  How good are clementines?  Why are they not called ‘lil’ oranges’.  Or ‘Lornges’?

2:27-OSU calls a timeout.  Tie game with 1:30 left.  What are they discussing?  ‘Hey, listen up!  Neither of these teams should be in the tourney.  One of us should be St. Mary’s.  So get out there and be futile.’

2:29-Raftery uses ‘physicallity’ and ‘whirling derivsh’ in a sentence.  Awesome.

2:31-OSU ball down 1, 10 seconds…. AND 1!  Wow!  Raftery… ‘THE KISS!’  ‘Loungerie on the DECK!’  He’s incredible.

2:33-Quick cut to Marquette icing it against Utah St.  If Utah is a state university, why do you need Utah State?  Sell the naming rights.

2:34-The color guy on the Marquette game said this: ‘The best case for Utah State here is for Marquette to miss both free throws. The second best case is for him to miss 1.’  We are unsure as to the 3^rd best scenario.

2:36-Tennessee loses.  Sad.  No more Bruce Pearl.  Quick cut to Marquette.  Utah State banks in a 3 to go down 2 with 23 left.  It’s interesting again.  We feel bad for Marquette because they lost a great player on a freak injury.  They would have been a much better team.  Now, they’re Utah State good.

2:38-We check our email.  We get an email from Williams Sonoma.  We’re on a mailing list b/c of a wedding registry.  The couple is now divorced.  Where are we in the settlement?  We sunk $ and energy into that thing and we get nothing back.  We’re still deleting emails every other day from Pottery Barn too.  See what we’re saying?

2:41-Marquette wins.  Exciting game.  Think about what we said Utah State… think about it.

2:45-Temple/Arizona State is just starting.  This will be our definitive ‘Evaluation of James Harden and wether he should be a top 10 pick like everyone is saying.’  We’re trying to be unbiased but we’re leaning towards ‘not’.

2:57-Deonte Christmas drills another 3.  Temple sucks but this dude is nasty.  Someone could do a lot worse than drafting this guy… a lot worse like James Harden?  It’s not like they’re matched up against each other so you can get a good comparison.. what's that?  They're covering each other... Ah... Let's move on.

2:59-Gene Hackman does Loes voiceovers.  He’s done it for years.  Gary Sinice is doing Army ads.  Neither of these guys needs the $.  You can’t book another voiceover guy for these things?

3:00-Why is it ‘I-an Eagle?’  It’s ‘ee-an’ for everyone else.  If we knew him, we’d never stop pointing this out.

3:03-bad pass comes to Harden.  He could have gone down 1 on 1 in transition.  Instead, he pulls back and runs the offense.  Wouldn’t lottery picks just go score there?  The answer is yes.  We don’t get it.

END PART 1

Wizards Seek NBA Rule Change

Today, Washington Wizards GM Ernie Grunfield filed a brief with the NBA Office in New York with little fanfare.  After reading this article in the Washington Post:

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/03/05/AR2009030501651.html

It occurred to Grunfeld that the Wizards were being short changed in the way games were being officiated and counted.

  

The brief never made it to the desk of David Stern, NBA Commissioner and eater of city councilmen who won't do new arena deals at the expense of citizens.  Instead, the brief was read by an intern and then summarily shredded and subsequently burned.  What were it's contents?  Our street correspondent, Bubb Rubb, was able to salvage some of the ashes and said:

'That's only in da mow-nin.  You 'posed to be up cookin bref-fest by then...'

Bubb Rubb has since been fired by Gus Johnson's Whisper.

We were able to determine that the Wizards' GM was attempting to get the league to change the rules so that 'Hustle Stats' would count in the final outcome of the game.  Example:

If Wizards SF and busted jump-shooter Dominic 'Have Trouble Throwing It Into the Ocean from the Beach' McGuire bricks an open jumper off the bottom of the front of the rim, chases the rebound out of bounds and dives into the 3rd row before the possession changes, under current NBA rules, that counts as nothing.

Grunfeld wanted the league to review its scoring policy.  'For so long, we've been under the same fascist system of 'baskets' and 2s and 3s and sometimes free throws.  So maybe I'm outside the box on this and maybe I wanted to deflect attention away from the fact that I signed Etan Thomas, to one of the worst contracts in history, or that Deshawn Stevenson will be here 3 more years.  Let's find a way to make this thing work.  Hurry home soon Gilbert.'

Under Grunfeld's plan, McGuire would be averaging a staggering 41 points per game.  The most valuable points under this system are given to guys who can't actually score.  Grunfeld's system lowers the value of so called 'dominant players' like Kobe Bryant, Dwayne Wade, and Lebron James.  The system is also creative in other ways.

Power forwards baskets will only count for .25 points.  This is an attempt to slow the trend,  since the arrival of Antawn Jamison, of power forwards having career games vs the Wizards.  When asked about his opinion of the new plan, Atlanta Hawks 4th option Marvin Williams said, "Oh hell no son!  I need them Wizards games to keep that average up!  Yo, you can't just get 28 and 12 on everybody!"

The plan has some other tricky facets.  According to our sources, here is what we know:

-Point Guards are not allowed to penetrate past the free throw line and easily break down a defense.  The must stay outside a new circular arc to be painted 15 feet around the basket.

-Teams without any consistent outside shooters get a 13 point pre-game bonus

-Teams that have no reason to play veterans and some younger players to develop but continue to give meaningful minutes to said veterans receive Domino's Pizzas in the locker room after road games.

-Any team that is willing to start an unathletic 6'8" Lithuanian at Center is given the 6 seed in the Eastern Conference regardless of record.

-Any team with a big man that is scared of the better big men in the league (Howard, Garnett) but puffs up against scrubs will be allowed 5 free dunks to be followed by mandatory 'look at me' chest pounds and subsequent 'skyward finger points'.  A 1 point bonus per dunk will be included if the players on the bench execute the 'hold me back because I'm laughing so hard' move.

Needless to say, the measure did not pass the hurdles necessary to be brought before the NBA Competition Committee.  'We'll keep trying,' said Grunfeld.  'It's not fair that we are the worst team in basketball.  It's the fault of the rules and not the brutal team I assembled while preaching continuity in order to keep my job.'

Redskins Want Highest Paid Player At Every Position

The Washington Redskins caused a stir around the NFL by making Albert Haynesworth the highest paid defensive player of all time.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/02/27/AR2009022703312.html

The $100 million deal is really a 3-4 year deal where Haynesworth will receive around $60 million give or take a few... million.

The Redskins, quickly realizing that having the highest paid player at each position was the only real way to build a team:

http://voices.washingtonpost.com/redskinsinsider/

2009/02/dockery_agrees_to_deal_with_sk.html

'We liked what we did there,' said a wide-eyed Vinny Cerrato fresh off of a 4-day Choose Your Own Adventure Adventure at the estate of Dan Snyder where he had to answer questions about football, team-building, local trivia, and cartoons from the 80s.  'You remember Jabberjaw,' the delirious Cerrato went on.  'He's a shark and he's hanging out with these kids under water.  That's what we tried to do here.  We think Albert is a heck of player that eats like a predatory animal.'

The team didn't stop there.  In a dizzying 48 hours, the Redskins paid Deangelo Hall, $54 million putting him among the top paid cornerbacks in the league.  'I didn't expect that,' said Joel Segal, Hall's agent and racquetball partner.  'We're thinking that a guy who got run out of two places because of attitude problems then behaved well for 8 weeks in order to earn a paycheck is going to get less than that.  But that's great, just great.  They come in before other teams bid and offer you more money than you could have gotten from anyone else.  You don't see that enough in sports.'

In a rare public statement to the team's fans through his personally dictated blog on his radio station website for southern Prince George's County, owner Daniel M. Snyder boasted: 'Obviously, the salary cap is for pu$$ies'.

The Redskins, owners of an 8-8 record despite a 6-2 start, still have several holes to fill.  Many fans believe the team is not done on the free agent market.  'I think they're not done,' said Redskins fan Justin Ramsey when asked if he thought the team was done in the free agent market and then read the card with the words 'I think they are not done' on it.  The word around the league is that the team will make a run at Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis to address the need at defensive end.

Cerrato on the teams next move: 'If you look at a guy's video game rating, and that is something we do look at.  You see a guy that has the 'mentor' team role which gives the guys around him a 1 point awareness boost when he's on the field.  86 speed and 99 awareness.  We'd want him to come in and play defensive end for us and contribute on offense as the center.  He's so good at making calls that you want him making those line calls for protections.  Also, there was this one episode of Yogi Bear where the Ranger actually assisted with a murder then lied to investigators about it.  The Ranger was still on the show and is a beloved character.'

It wasn't just NFL players getting into the act.  Sensing a franchising opportunity, BMX legend Matt Hoffman was seen doing tricks in the orange parking lot at FedEx Field.  'Money is money!' shouted Hoffman before executing a reverse fakie 180 grinder while making the 'I'm stoked' signal with his point finger and pinkie.  Hoffman was not scheduled to visit any other teams in the Free Agency period that began last Friday.

With all the dollars spent on a few players, one NFL executive who declined to be identified was concerned about the direction of the franchise: 'I think they're actually going to have to lineup without a linebacker on 1st and 2nd downs.'

The Dark Knight, The Academy, and Respect

We hate the Academy Awards.  Imagine another industry getting together to congratulate itself in such a way.  They create awards like 'Best Cinematography'.  That's like having 'Best Rivet Job on a Construction Sight in a Non-Living Space, Office Building, or Edifice'.

The fact that it's so covered and so hyped feeds the ever-inflating sense of self-importance of Hollywood.  We're dorks.  We know that.  We loved the Dark Knight like late-night cheese fries and cannot imagine a better movie experience than seeing it on opening night in IMAX with our dorkbot friends.  We also liked Slumdog Millon-air, but the complete lack of respect for the Dark Knight in favor of flicks like 'Benjamin Forrest Gump in New Orleans Button' and 'The Reader' really chapped our buns.  How do you not nominate for best director!?!?!?  The dude had a truck flip over in a city street.  Christopher Nolan directed that.  Whatever.

Moving on, here is a look at some of the most disrespected athletes, people. and teams of all time.  These guys never got the credit they deserved and we never understood why.

-Ricky The Dragon Steamboat.  Not one title in the WWF.  This dude invented high-flying and was one of, if not the, best athletes in the ring of all-times.  He was awesome.  And yet, for some reason, he never got shots.  When we were kids and went to the Capital Center in Landover, MD to watch the WWF, we sat in horror as the fans treated a Steamboat match like it was a poetry reading in a hipster coffee shop.  So aggravating.

-Andre Dawson.  For whatever reason, The Hawk can't get any Hall of Fame love.  Is it the 8 gold gloves, being the 2nd player in history (at the time) to hit 400 homers and steal 300 bases, or the MVP award when he dropped 49 bombs and drove in 137 in an era where no one who wasn't roided did that?  What's confusing you?  People forget.  They forget about the HOSE that dude had or the fact that he had the most outfield putouts for 3 straight years stalking balls in Montreal.  

-Kate Beckinsale.  The headline of every gossip column, entertainment page, or any news item not about war should read: 'Beckinsale Continues to Be Hot'.  This should be every day until further notice.

-Run TMC.  Beauty.  Joy.  If you were lucky enough to catch a Golden State Warriors game during the 1990-91 season, you were treated to 3 guys all averaging over 22 pts per game, 3 guys who were buckets, and 3 guys that just needed some semblance of a post player to be great and all they got was Alton Lister.  The tightness of Chris Mullin, Mitch Richmond, and Tim Hardaway has long since been forgetten.  They were always undervalued and were a symbol of entertaining basketball until Pat Riley murdered joy forever with a rusty scimitar named Anthony Mason.

-Airwolf.  This show never got its props.  Other tight shows like The A-Team stole the headlines and Airwolf flew under the radar (HA!).  Jan Michael Vincent people.  Also, Ernest Borgnine... and how about the guy playing polo?  We used to get SO fired up when JMV rolled into the secret mountain and it was time for Airwolf to go and fight planes and always win.  The soundtrack/intro were exceptional.  Jack the volume on this and feel it:

-Lawrence Moten. - You all already know how we feel about Randolph Childress.  Here's another guy that we can't figure out.  When we were growing up in DC, this dude was the biggest deal around.  He left as the Big East's all-time leading scorer... and then was a 2nd round pick by the Grizzlies?  LM had incredible game and got fewer ticks than a plastic dog.  Unreal.  Now no one remembers.  Just know this, when everyone else's socks were down, his were up.  So tight.

Who else is getting Dangerfielded?

East Coast Bias and the Oscars

Congratulations have to go to East Coast Bias, a quality sports blog that is well written and humorous.  We're not mad, you snooze, you let someone else post your idea first.

We were going to write this very column when the calendar turned to March:

http://www.east-coast-bias.com/2009/02/bracket-time-is-coming-best-of-gus.html

Well, ECB, did it in February.  Right in our mouthpieces.  They were ahead of the curve over there.

We'll now lay down in the fetal for a spell, thinking about what we've done.

We'll toss this clip in because it's all we have:

Last random thought, did anyone watch the Oscars last night?  We felt like, with every award read outloud, they should have said: 'And for some reason, not the Dark Knight.'  What disrespect.

Wa-keen is Wakward

Here at Gus Johnson's Whisper, we think you can never underestimate the importance of film study.  You can spot an opponent's tendencies, correct your own bad habits, and gain a tangible advantage over the competition.  We're going to break down some film of Joaquin Phoenix...

Here's this thing in it's entirety.  

Here's another clip from a few years back when he was on Oprah.

Here's our Dr. Jack Ramsey style breakdown.

1) Lots of people out there are all: 'he's doing a character', 'it's an act', 'he can do what he wants, who are you to judge him?'  Those people should be at home coloring.  Here are the appropriate responses to those little quips.

-So what if he's doing a character?  It's still bizarre, weird, and discomfortable for everyone.  Sweet character!

-If it's an act, what's the upside?  You're there to promote a movie.  You are compensated in an incomprehensible way to act on camera.  In order for you to continue to be compensated in such a way, people must see your films.  You must promote your films so that people will want to see them.  If you screw this process up, it hurts your career.  We ask again, where's the upside in putting on an act?  There are literally MILLIONS of people who would kill to be on the stage that Letterman provides.  To treat it with such contempt and callousness is unforgivable.  So, if he's doing an act, he's an a$$hole.

-He chose a lifestyle in the public eye.  He doesn't have to appear on a program for millions to see.  We are all fully entitled to judge.  The same way an audience member on the Maury show has the right to toss out a phrase like: 'You need to step up and be a man and handle yo' responsibilities!' (raucous applause)

2) We think dude has officially gone off the reservation.  Like, that's it and that's all.  Ballgame.  The reason we think that is if you watch the 2nd video above, you can catch a whiff of crazy.  It's like crazy cologne.  You can see the odd delivery.  At the 1:32 mark, he talks about how it's not acting anymore... watch it... right there... see that.. you talk about a guy riding the car to crazytown... watch this right here...  He says that acting isn't pretending when that's exactly what acting is supposed to be, at least according to Sir Ian McLellan:

So right there, you've got to know that Joaquin a couple nuggets short of a 20-piece.

3) What kind of assurances do you need for his next film if you're the studio?  

What kind of corollaries do you demand? 24 hour guard? 37 dream catchers? One of those electric

fence collars? Seriously. How could you book this dude and not protect yourself?

4) If you can do a freeze frame at the 4:58 mark of the Oprah video, do so. We'll wait. Now, tell us

that you'd feel comfortable leaving him alone in a pharmacy after it closed.

5) Sometimes it's easy to spot crazy. The dude fighting imaginary spiders on the bus? Crazy.

Easy. Other times though, it's harder to notice. Notice the mannerisms of Wah-keen, head down at

a slightly cocked angle with his eyes straining upwards to make eye contact, the fidgety and

uncomfortable mannerisms (not nervous ticks but the kind of motion that makes it look like he wants

to crawl out of his own skin), and the unwillingness to smile/laugh/show vulnerability despite his

acceptance in front of an approving group. But there's more than that. Can't you see it? It's that

thing... that intangible thing... it's like knowing that a certain dude will drill that free throw with 2

ticks left... or knowing that in 5 years, this dude will be a hot mess with a beard who thinks he's being

interviewed in Narnia by Fiorello LaGuardia about the Fraggle Rock Ewok War.

So, we feel like if Letterman had watched all the game tape, he could have seen this coming. Of

course, Letterman was fine but the laziness of not watching the tape can cost you.