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We cannot believe how amazing this video is. Absolute genius in a time of non genius. Enjoy.

Running Diary of Round 1

On Friday March 20^th, Gus Johnson’s Whisper got together with The World’s Ombudsman to watch the tournament.  The following is a running diary.

 

Running Diary:

1PM-GJW arrives at the TWO’s apt.  We eat dumplings.  The full meal cost $4.  Recession b*tches.

1:10-1:30-We look at facebook pictures.

1:30-CBS gives us Gus Johnson then takes him away.  This is a cruel act.

1:31-GJW makes the first joke about Jim Spanarkal (who is partnered with I-an Eagle).  One of the jokes involves the word ‘merkel’.

1:33-The OK St./Tenn game comes on because it’s close.  Vern Lundquist.  Really?  This feels like figure skating.  This game is a reminder that the Big XII and SEC were really terrible this year.

1:38-We realize that when you watch games online on NCAA.com, you can’t switch games during commercials.  We both realize this is smart because that’s exactly what you want to do but it’s also annoying because that’s exactly you want to do.

1:45-Gus Johnson is back.  Len Elmore tells us that turnovers are bad for a team with a lead.  There was some confusion over this.  Settled!

1:46-TWO informs us that he picked North Dakota State to beat Kansas.  This is not a good pick, even if they win, it’s still not good.  This is like someone bragging about how early they wake up in the morning.  You know what?  I’m more rested than you because sleep is awesome.

1:48- Gus Johnson is building his excitement.  3 point game with 14 to play.  Kansas is nervous.  GJ is excited.  He can sense that upset.  He’s like a lion stalking a herd of gazelle on the African plains.

1:52-NDST makes a bucket.  We discuss the white wash and how awkward it is for the one black guy on the bench.  What music gets played in the locker room?

1:55-TWO explains the definition of a ‘Cheap 6’.  We can’t link to it here but it’s fascinating.

1:56- Gus Johnson compares a SDST player to Steve Nash and accuses him of being ‘A BALLER!’  We love Gus Johnson.

1:58-Applebees Commercial.  Who goes to Applebees?  Like who says: ‘I need to hit up the Bees right now or I’ll be so angry I could spit’?

2:00-GJ is just carrying Len Elmore right now.  LE is reading off stats with the excitement of a librarian on lithium.  Why can’t they just pair GJ with Raftery?  I guess that makes too much sense.

2:03-GJ makes a joke about Archie Bell.  Who in hell is Archie Bell?  It’s as awkward as it sounds. 

2:04-A BS charge is called against NDST.  The charge is ruining basketball.  We blame Duke.

2:06-NDST has no answer for Collins or Aldrich.  The 3s aren’t falling.  Yet, they are only down 5.  Ben Woodside.  Remember that name.  Remember it because you’ll never see him again unless you take a tour of a national park.  He’ll be giving the tour.

2:07-GJ has to read a promo for the Mentalist.  We’re going to have to watch the show now.  That’s how good GJ is, he makes terrible crime dramas on CBS sound serviceable.

2:15-Kansas goes up 10.  GJ says they are beginning to ‘stiffen up’ the D.  See you later Gus.  We’re changing games now.

2:18-Shot of Travis Ford, Oklahoma State’s coach.  TWO and GJW discuss how he could pull a great Billy Hoyle routine on an all black court in LA.  ‘I may be a chump.  Just saying that ain’t my name.  I played for Pitino.’

2:20-Verne Lundquist says ‘double bonus’.  It sounds like he’s talking about a real estate deal.  He fits college hoops like a bear fits into a book club.

2:23-GJW and TWO eat a Clementine.  How good are clementines?  Why are they not called ‘lil’ oranges’.  Or ‘Lornges’?

2:27-OSU calls a timeout.  Tie game with 1:30 left.  What are they discussing?  ‘Hey, listen up!  Neither of these teams should be in the tourney.  One of us should be St. Mary’s.  So get out there and be futile.’

2:29-Raftery uses ‘physicallity’ and ‘whirling derivsh’ in a sentence.  Awesome.

2:31-OSU ball down 1, 10 seconds…. AND 1!  Wow!  Raftery… ‘THE KISS!’  ‘Loungerie on the DECK!’  He’s incredible.

2:33-Quick cut to Marquette icing it against Utah St.  If Utah is a state university, why do you need Utah State?  Sell the naming rights.

2:34-The color guy on the Marquette game said this: ‘The best case for Utah State here is for Marquette to miss both free throws. The second best case is for him to miss 1.’  We are unsure as to the 3^rd best scenario.

2:36-Tennessee loses.  Sad.  No more Bruce Pearl.  Quick cut to Marquette.  Utah State banks in a 3 to go down 2 with 23 left.  It’s interesting again.  We feel bad for Marquette because they lost a great player on a freak injury.  They would have been a much better team.  Now, they’re Utah State good.

2:38-We check our email.  We get an email from Williams Sonoma.  We’re on a mailing list b/c of a wedding registry.  The couple is now divorced.  Where are we in the settlement?  We sunk $ and energy into that thing and we get nothing back.  We’re still deleting emails every other day from Pottery Barn too.  See what we’re saying?

2:41-Marquette wins.  Exciting game.  Think about what we said Utah State… think about it.

2:45-Temple/Arizona State is just starting.  This will be our definitive ‘Evaluation of James Harden and wether he should be a top 10 pick like everyone is saying.’  We’re trying to be unbiased but we’re leaning towards ‘not’.

2:57-Deonte Christmas drills another 3.  Temple sucks but this dude is nasty.  Someone could do a lot worse than drafting this guy… a lot worse like James Harden?  It’s not like they’re matched up against each other so you can get a good comparison.. what's that?  They're covering each other... Ah... Let's move on.

2:59-Gene Hackman does Loes voiceovers.  He’s done it for years.  Gary Sinice is doing Army ads.  Neither of these guys needs the $.  You can’t book another voiceover guy for these things?

3:00-Why is it ‘I-an Eagle?’  It’s ‘ee-an’ for everyone else.  If we knew him, we’d never stop pointing this out.

3:03-bad pass comes to Harden.  He could have gone down 1 on 1 in transition.  Instead, he pulls back and runs the offense.  Wouldn’t lottery picks just go score there?  The answer is yes.  We don’t get it.

END PART 1

The Vasgersian

It sounds like a deviant sexual maneuver doesn't it?  It's not.  Well, maybe it is.  Maybe someone out there is as weird as we are and figured out what we're about to tell you.  Note: that person needs help.  If you know them, don't turn your back on them.

If you're an NFL fan, you're probably a bit delusional about your team.  You believe they'll pull it out, or bring it in a big game, or even show the world that they are a force to be reckoned with on a Sunday or Monday night.  The reality?  Unless you are a fan of 1 of 3 teams over the past 5 years, you're delusional.  You're squad, in all likelihood, is in the perpetual mediocre cesspool of 'if we win our next 3, and they lose 2 and they lose to one of the teams we beat we can get the #6 seed'.  You need to know the truth NFL fan.  You want to know what the networks are doing to tell you where your team stands?

The networks that cover the games have a hierarchy.  For Fox, it goes like this:

-Buck/Aikman- According to Troy, Joe Buck has never been wrong.  

-Albert/Johnston/Siragusa - The Goose says: 'they didn't even get a hand on him on that play'.  (5 seconds pause because they are worried that Goose will shout something else) Albert says - 'so, the Falcons will try the extra point...'

-Stockton/Baldinger- The Baldinger pinky needs its own horror movie.

-Rosen/Ryan- 'Do you know us?  We just call the game and offer insight.  Sorry we're this low.'

-Pitts/Boselli- Pitts plays tricks on Boselli.  He says things like: 'if you were an expansion team now, what position would you draft first?'

-Brennaman/Billick- 'Trust me Baltimore, I know quarterbacks."

-Vasgersian/JC Pierce: (Fan) 'Who?  Is that the guy from Celebrity Blackjack?'

If you go an entire season without getting a Vasgersian dropped on you, your team is relevant.  But, if you tune in, and you are treated to the melody of Matt Vasgersian and JC 'The Carpenter" Pierce, your team is off the radar.  Sorry Seattle Seahawks and Washington Redskins.  The networks dropped a Vasgersian on you this weekend.  Skins fans, you think you're squad is in the hunt right?  7-4 seems like a good place to be doesn't it?  Well, the good people at Fox are renting a regulation harness, a pulley system, and some high tension wire.  Then they are dropping a hot, sweaty Vasgersian on your chest while you try to sleep.  It's a shock.  Minding your business and then you get smacked in the mouth with a little:

MV: 'Matt Vasgersian and JC Pierce with you for the second half in Seattle.  And JC, the Redskins are moving the ball but they're not scoring a ton of points.'

JC The Carpenter: 'You're absolutely right Matt.  The Redskins just aren't coming away with points.  If you're Jim Zorn, you've got to be concerned about that.'

(cut to Redskins fan standing in his living room staggering like a boxer getting a standing 8 count.  He's holding a beer in his left hand and a chip with some dip in his right hand.  The dip falls to the floor in slow motion as a sad high-voiced song plays like one of those in the movies that mean a character has sacrificed himself to save someone else and they have to let him go.  As the dip hits the carpet, deep drum beat.  The fan casts his gaze to the ground.  He looks back up at the tv with a hollow look of disbelief.  On screen, the referees gather to decide if a player was offside or if there was a false start.  JC says that a false start is 'inexcusable right there'.  The refs determine that it was an off-sides penalty.  Pierce explains why no offensive player should ever false start.  The fan closes his eyes because he now knows the truth.)

NFL football fans beware.  The Vasgersian is lurking.  It could happen at any moment.  Look at your roster, your schedule, and your results this year.  Make an honest assessment.  If you prepare yourself, the shock of a Vasgersian won't be as traumatic.  We can save lives.