People We Think Are Bamas Part IV

Without delay, here is this week's PWTAB.

This week's bama: Dudes that Review Bands for Rock Magzines (DRBRMs)

Hey guy, what did you study in school?  Music Theory?  Oh, you didn't?  You went to journalism school and went to concerts and wrote about them for your school paper which came out once a week and like 4 people took seriously but most of the students just turned to the joke page where the faculty advisor would allow anything because he was all overly liberal and thought that free expression entailed a cartoon of the dean doing a beer bong hit with his pants around his ankles peeing on an alumni parade before a football game?

You're a bama bruh.  

'The album's first track desperately seeks some grounding in the synthetic pop of the hey-day of the genre but has an unkeptness that debilitates its' introspective and poignant lyrics.  The intense marksmanship of the haunting bass line provides a melodrama into the transience of the band's core epistemological quest at self discovery but sadly falls short of the grand decoverte.'

The first song has decent lyrics but isn't that good.  Wow.  You herb.  Who does that?  Seriously?

WTF.edu?  Hey maybe if I overly complicate my snooty prose, I'll get taken seriously even though there is a 90% chance I'm a failed musician that will sit around and talk seriously with my other bama chums (note: bamas have chums) about the insipid nature of the music industry and whine about the lack of great bands these days?

Hi, I'm part of the problem, nice to meet you too.  What's that?  Yeah, I am that guy that writes those snarky reviews of bands in magazines that 8 people read.  What's that?  No I know you can't judge art and as much as I like or dislike something I know there are just as many people out there who feel the exact opposite... no I know that makes me a bagadouche.

So, did you dig the article?

We sure did bama.  Talk to you never.

I'm... Ron... Burgundy?

It's Anchorman!  Not Anchorlady!  Here at Gus Johnon's Whisper, we were thinking about the NBA season.  We were also watching Anchorman.  The following is an NBA preview based on Anchorman quotes.  We know, it is genius.

"I'm not sure but apparently you just run for an extended period of time. It's supposed to be wild." - The New York Knicks.  Mike D'A'N't'ioni brings the running game to New York.  He took the extra $5 mil to coach a team that fits his style like a size 2 fits a chick in the 'before picture'.  Maybe the J is soft Eddy Curry... maybe the j is soft.  

"We've been coming to this same party for 13 years.  And in no way is that depressing." - The Spurs.  OH MY GOD we are so sick of this team.  If we have to watch them on national TV and we see the Tim Duncan 'you whistled me for a foul? MEEEEE?' face one more time, we're just gonna spit.

"take it easy, Champ. Why don't you sit this next one out, stop talking for a while." - The Washington Wizards.  Here's the thinking: Outbid yourself by 30 million to sign popular star with knee issues, barely make playoffs amid constant 'are they better without him?' talk, lose in 1st round.  Repeat.

"I'm in a glass case of emotion!' - The Boston Celtics.  Hey did you know that Kevin Garnett is competitive?  It slipped right past me when every single analyst talked about it the David Stern mandated 4.2 times per 10 minutes.  Also, Paul Pierce cried last night when they raised the banner.  

"Great Oden's Raven" - The Portland Trail Blazers.  Today's little news blurb next to Greg Oden on my fantasy roster: 'Oden to have MRI'.  No one saw that coming.

"Milk was a poor choice" - The Minnesota Timerbwolves.  We're trying to start a movement to call Kevin Love 'Milk'.  It's because he's chalky white and tough to digest for some people.  Help spread the word.

"Guess what, I do. I know that one day Veronica and I are gonna to get married on top of a mountain, and there's going to be flutes playing and trombones and flowers and garlands of fresh herbs. And we will dance till the sun rises. And then our children will form a family band. And we will tour the countryside and you won't be invited." - The Phoenix Suns.  Very quietly, the Suns are a terrible organization.  They are competitive every year so we don't notice them fleecing their fans by selling draft picks to save $ that could have helped them get over the hump.  The 'Shaquisition' last year ranks among the more delusional moves moves in the history of sport.

"I wanna say something. I'm gonna put it out there; if you like it, you can take it, if you don't, send it right back. I want to be on you." - The Philadelphia 76ers.  Everyone is making this their 'team to watch' pick.  Let us know when Andre Miller and Samue Dalembert are ready to be key guys on a championship team.  6 seed.  Thanks for stopping by.

"Discovered by the Germans in 1904, they named it Sand Diego... which is of course German for a 'whale's vagina" - The Sacramento Kings.  Sacramento is a German word for 'who the f*%* is John Salmons?'

"Well I could be wrong, but I believe diversity is an old, old wooden ship used during the Civil War Era."  - The Indiana Pacers.  Once TJ Ford gets hurt, you've got Travis Deiner, Mike Dunleavy, Troy Murphy, Rasho Nesterovic, and Danny Granger.  That is diversity right there.

"The human torch was denied a bank loan."  - The Houston Rockets.  Ron Artest is the human torch.  He was also recently denied a loan according to our sources.

"I pooped a cornish game hen." - The Memphis Grizzlies.  All 87 fans in attendance get a Marc Gasol beard blanket.

"I'm proud of you fellas. You all kept your head on a swivel, and that's what you gotta do when you find yourself in a vicious cock fight." - Charlotte Bobcats.  We're calling any time Larry Brown takes a job that he's going to hate 'a cock fight'.

"Mmmmm... I look good. I mean really good. Hey everyone come see how good I look." - Los Angeles Lakers.  It looks good on paper.  Let me ask you this, would you be ready to bet on them with the ongoing Odom contract year/not enough touches for everyone subplot?  This could be like an NBA cowboys situation.  Then again, they might just win 65 games and roll over everyone.

**** Some people pointed this out to us and we just looked it up... and we're idiots. Bill Simmons did a great version of this in 2005 for a column about NBA Summer Moves. Here it is:

http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=simmons/050804 His was totally first, and actually well written. Apologies to the Sports Guy and thanks to those that let us know.*****

People We Think Are Bamas

Once again, our regular segment: People We Think Are Bamas.

Today's bama is:

Shannon Sharpe is a bama.  He is from the Steven A Smith school of over-emphasizing words and loud speech.  'If I'm loud, no one can disagree'.  One thing that Gus Johnson's Whisper hates is when a former player that was good, uses his platform to give himself backhanded compliments.  Charles Barkley calmly says it and is cool.  He doesn't shout his points.  

Why are you shouting Shannon?  

Rules of life: 

-People in glass houses should not throw hard stuff at their windows.

-People with speech issues should not be the loudest guy in the history of football pre-game shows.

Now, football preview shows have gotten absurd.  19 guys.  Everyone over-laughing, and making the same points over and over with a 'comedy piece' to spice things up which leads to more over-laughing.  We all know about it.  What they don't all have, is the loud guy with the lisp always trying to get the last word because he secretly hates Boomer Esiason.  Boomer is a scrapper and he won't back down to the SS.  Pipe down SS.  You're only the 2nd best analyst in your family.  Sterling was tight.  We are still pissed that ESPN can't find a spot for them on their pre-game show and yet they have enough room for Me-Shawn Johnson.

If looney toons had a pre-game show, would you want Sylvester making the most points?

'Lithen, lithen... The Broncoth play no defenth!  None!  How can you win football gamethhh in this league if you play no defenth!?!?!?!?'

Boomer: 'Jay Cutler has done a nice job of...'

(Cut off by Shannon): 'Thath it!  THEY PLAY NO DEFENTH!  They doing nothing!  Whoeverth in charge over there, just bringing in a bunch of Cleveland Browns and they sorry too!'

Bill Cowher: 'That division is wide open right now.  You've got San...'

(Cut off again by Shannon): 'I don't care who'th in that divithon!  You can't do nothin' if you don't play Defenth!  Than Diego, even Oakland play hard thometimess!'

Dan Marino: 'You gotta take care of the hands that take care of you.  Isotoner glo...'

Shannon: 'It don't matter who they have runnin' the ball!  They're just gonna lose a bunch of 40-30 gamesss.  Thith ith the NFL.  The NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE... you CANNOT WIN IN... THIS... (pounding the table with his fist) LEAGUE...Unleth you CAN THTOP TEAMTH FROM THCORING!'

Charley Casserly: 'I drafted Mario Williams because I was worried about what other teams were doing.  You always hear winners talk about building teams based on what other teams do...'

Shannon (tears off his shirt and starts doing pushups): DEFENTH!

James Brown: 'Coming up, we'll go inside the AFC North and try and figure out why NFC football is always more exciting.'

Shannon Sharpe = Bama

Rock Band vs Guitar Hero vs Video Games

Here's the World Series of 'crossover' video games: Rock Band vs. Guitar Hero.  

What's a crossover game?  Great question interested reader.  A crossover game is a video game that makes people who don't normally play video games, want to play.  It's the ultimate goal of tons of industries to achieve crossover.  When something moves from niche to pop culture, someone gets rich.

Example: Who's Tim Gunn?

You know don't you?  I know.  There is absolutely no reason you should know who this guy is.  

He doesn't do anything that affects a single person who would ever read this blog.  And yet, we can all spout off a catch phrase.

What's the point?  The point is, games like RB and GH, while fun, are really about something else.  They are about a bunch of fairweather, johnny-come-lately, casual fans sauntering into my dojo and telling me that fear exists.  Umm bruh?  Fear does not exist in this dojo.

So, while I enjoy playing some Rock Band with some friends in a social setting, I don't like what it stands for.  Gus Johnson's Whisper, like Gus Johnson himself, is a gamer.  I don't play video games with chicks in the room.  I don't want to play something that Julie can be decent at.  I sit alone in a dark, cool, and calm place trying to rescue princesses.  That's how I roll.  What's that?  Zelda is in trouble?  No problem.  I'm in because the cartridge is gold.

Huh?  Sephiroth is loose?  Lemme get a group together.

Does that tomb look raided to you?  Me neither.  I'll raid it with the hot chick that isn't crazy.

 

There are others like me.  You can call them old school.  You can call them dorks (GJW note: there is a difference between a dork and a nerd.  A nerd is good academically and follows the rules.  A dork is someone, like me, who can tell you things like this: Yoda uses a form of light saber combat called Ataru, the names of the next door neighbors on Alf were Trevor and Raquel Okmanek (sp), the 1987 Minnesota Twins batting order was most often 1-Dan Gladden 2-Greg Gagne 3-Kirby Puckett 4-Kent Hrbeck 5-Gary Gaetti 6-Roy Smalley 7-Tom Brunansky 8-Steve lombardozzi 9-Sal Butera/Tim Laudner.  No disrespect to Al Newman who got a ton of ABs as a platoon guy.).

We'll put on our smiley face and strum the guitar but we want you to see these games for what they are.  The game developers want casual fans.  Do we?  I just don't know.

The Not Probable Things That Happen

The Rays are going to the World Series.  Say that outloud.  Now try and picture yourself 2 years ago in the Spring.  Maybe you're wearing shorts, maybe not.  Regardless, picture watching that horrendous, 61 win, AAAA squadron.  Think about how, in 2 years, this team would be playing for the World Series in the same division as Goliath and the other Goliath with a New England accent.  It doesn't seem possible.

Around the diamond in 2006:

Toby Hall: we are not sure about this, but we heard that Toby Hall is currently working security at home games.

Travis Lee: Attempted to eat the whole wheel of cheese like Baxter.  Foiled by lactose intolerance.

Jorge Cantu: Played so poorly that the Marlins were like: 'ummm yeah we want him.  We can pay him $80 a week to play in our football stadium!'

Julio Lugo: Once dubbed: 'the shortstop of the present' by teams that needed a stopgap.

Ty Wiggington: This guy was once named the 13th best 3rd base prospect in the Devil Rays organization by Baseball America.

Carl Crawford: Crawford is a latin word for 'fantasy player drafted 3 rounds too early'

Rocco Baldelli: 'ouch. My mitochondria is sore today skip.'

Damon Hollins: I swear to God that Damon Hollins played over 120 games for the Rays in 2006.  I thought he was a small forward at a mid-major school just like everyone else did.

I'm not gonna go into their pitching.  Just know that Cassey Fossum, Tim Corcoran, and Jae Wang-Seo are heavily involved.

Anyway, here are some other improbable things that have happened recently.  Let's top 10 this b*tch.

10) Kerry Collins quarterbacks a 6-0 team while Vince Young, the nastiest college football player since that white guy with the weird stride won the Heisman in the 40's, goes to a therapist because he has some sand in his noonie.  If you had that before the season started, you were also the same guy who thought the world was ending at midnight of the year 2000 and bought 4000 twinkies.

9) The Davidson Wildcats almost beating Kansas in the Final 8 of the NCAA Tourney this year.  To put this into perspective, I was recruited to play baseball at Davidson.  They stopped recruiting me once they found out what my GPA was.  Wish I made that up.

8) The Celtics acquire Ray Allen and Kevin Garnett and go from the worst team in the East to the Champions.  Pretty astounding.  I guess anything is possible...

7) Marty McFly's basketball team in Teen Wolf beating their rivals without the wolf.

Listen, Marty could only go right and dribbled with his head down.  

They also re-cycled footage of the same runner that bounced around the rim before it drops.  

No shot the Dragons would lose this game in real life...

6) The Detroit Lions are 0-6. Hahaha! Do you get it? That was a joke because 

of course they are 0-6. All of us at Gus Johnson's Whisper are surprised their record isn't 

worse. They only thing holding them back is the schedule.

5) Billy Packer being dismissed by CBS. This is a stunning move because it is the first time 

in the history of the world that a network made a move that makes it's viewers happy.  

Dangerous precedent here. How miserable was that guy? Really miserable is the answer.  

He roles by what we call the 'key hole method'. Early in the game, he creates a key hole by 

making some kind of wild sweeping point about one of the teams. Everything that happens 

afterwards must fit through that key hole; regardless of the outcome. Go away you carmudgeon.

4) Joe Torre manages Nomar Garciappara, Derek Lowe, and Manny Ramirez on a playoff team.

Think back to 2 years ago and figure out the scenario where that could happen. We'll wait.

3) The Chicago Bears and the Minnesota Vikings combined for 89 points... in a single game.  

If I was hidden underground for 4 weeks and emerged today looking for a report on the NFL, 

I would ABSOLUTELY believe you if you said: 'Bears and Vikings combined to score 89 points 

this month'

2) The NHL still exists. One of my favorite games to play is: 

NHL team or Arena Football Squad.  

Try these: The Columbus Blue Jackets, Tampa Bay Storm, the Atlanta Thrashers, 

the Nashville Predators, the Orlando Predators. I think you get my point.

1) Of course, the #1 here has got to be the Rays making their name worse by dropping 

'Devil' from it and still succeeding. This is like the ultimate sports karma move.  

Teams that do this to be sensitive are always doomed to suckiness. And yet, miraculously, 

the Rays are going to the World Series.

People We Think Are Bamas

Every Friday, here at Gus Johnson's Whisper, we are running a regular feature called 'People We Think Are Bamas'.  For an explanation and some background, check out the original post.

Welcome back to our Friday “People We think Are Bamas” column. It’s been another lousy week for life in general. The stock market sucks. People continue to work themselves into a frenzy over the non-existant crisis.  I work from home like an Avon saleswoman (“Hi, we got some really nice eyeliner and lip gloss for y'all…wanna have a party?”).  

This week’s bama is Colin Farrell. I had to spell check his last name. Does it have one “r” and two “l”s or two “r”s and one “l”? Turns out his last name contains two “r”s and two “l”s. Pissed me off. Also, in the ultimate monkey wrench, his last name has an “a”, not an “e” to start. 

 

Why is he a bama? This question is like asking, “Why did Kevin want to touch Winnie Cooper?” Because she was hot. But that is not why Colin Farrell is a bama. He is a bama for singlehandedly ruining one of gusjohnsonswhispers’ favorite people in history of all time: Alexander the Great.  

We looked forward to the movie “Alexander” like a college senior looking forward to asking a college freshman at a bar: “You ready to get out of here?” Hopes of an epic moment. We saw previews and tight one-liners. Instead, we got Jared Leto constantly saying over and over “Alexander” except he said it in a weird pseudo British-Baltimorean accent that sounded like “Alekzonder”. And we can’t get the image of Farrell’s bare white a$$ out of our heads after his sesh with Rosario Dawson. Rosario, do us a favor, hon, when Colin Farrell comes at you, please pull the covers up over his naked body. You’re embarrassing yourself out there.  

This is how they depict arguably the greatest leader in history? Always crying and kissing Jared Leto on the mouth? Come on. He conquered whatever he wanted. I repeat: he conquered whatever he wanted. Hey Alexander, what do you want to conquer today? I think I’ll conquer Texas…and he did. And he left the locals to govern. Bam. No one does that anymore.  Nowadays, it's all: 'I conquer you and I'll leave some guys here to do it like I do it back where I'm cool.'

 The only great scene in the movie is when Alexander’s super game tight horse Bucephalus dies. I came close to tears. BUT THAT DOESN’T EXCUSE COLIN FARRELL. Another reason he is a bama is he always wears that fake-me-out rasta knit cap just above his hairline so it looks like it is about to fall off…but it always stays on…always. The deliberate non-deliberateness of that look makes me sick.  Also, S.W.A.T. was terrible.

It’s like how Bill Belichick wears the sweatshirt with the cut off sleeves to be all like “What!” but that means he sits in his office before the game with the hooded sweaty and scissors cutting off the sleeves. “Hey Coach, I was wondering…” “Just a minute, I have to finish cutting off this one last sleeve and I’ll be right with you. Also, can you grab an oven mit and take the cookies out?Remember, they need to sit for 10 minutes before you put your little hands on them…I made snicker doodles. Tell Adalius and Richard I’ll be there in one hot minute.” 

See you next week.

NBA JAM!!!

At Gus Johnson's Whisper, we love classic things.  And by classic things, we mean video games from when we were kids.  The best basketball game ever made is NBA Jam.  The debate is over 2nd place.  Ohhhh but what about NBA 2K Live To The Streets The Life '10?  Nope.  Dumb.  Basketball games are always bad for some reason.  Maybe it's the sideview screen, maybe it's the play controls, or maybe it's just that we're not kids.  Whatever.  NBA Jam was great.

Anyway, we realized that 2 NBA Jam players: Scott Skiles and Terry Porter are now NBA head coaches.  This got us to thinking, who would make the best NBA Jam pairings today?  We're going to keep it real.  You'll see:

Eastern Conference

Boston: Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen.  The big guy/little guy combo would be devastating.  'He's heating up' every 13 seconds for Ray Allen with KG lurking to protect the rim/goaltend.

Detroit: Rasheed Wallace and Rip Hamilton.  This would be an annoying team because their ratings wouldn't be that good but somehow, when you played against them on the computer they would be awkwardly close.  Especially if the game was on juice mode.

Orlando: Rashard Lewis and Hedo Turkoglu.  Shaq wasn't in this game because he was a bagadouche, so we can only assume that no Orlando big men can be included.  This team would struggle to stop you but it would be 3 ball in your eyepiece all afternoon or evening depending on when you were playing.

Cleveland: Zyldrunas Ilgauskas and Delonte West.  You know Lebron James would play it like MJ/Shaq/Barkley (Barkley was available in the earlier versions, including the one that I had but later became unavailable once his game: 'shut up and jam' came out.  Note: shut up and jam sucked) and not allow himself to be included for some reason.  When he leaves Cleveland, does he get booed when he comes back?  I cannot wait to see what happens.

Washington: Antawn Jamison and Caron Butler.  This might be the exact opposite of the Tom Guggliata/Harvey Grant combo from the original.  Arenas would not be included because his knee passed away and is in the midst of designing his own basketball game where point guards have to take 22 shots per night.

Toronto: Chris Bosh and Jose Calderon.  Jose is on vacation so far away.  Call him up to talk it over.  So many things that I wanna say, you know I like my girls a little bit older...

Philadelphia: Elton Brand and Andre Igoudala.  This would be one of the nastier squads.  good defensive stats and high dunk ratings.  'Jams it in!'

Atlanta: Joe Jonson and Mike Bibby.  I hated teams with 2 guards and one would be a mini guy.  HATED.

Indiana: Danny Granger and Mike Dunleavy.  Exactly 0.0 defense.  This is the modern day Edwards/Lohaus team which no one ever lost to in the history of the game.

New Jersey: Vince Carter and Devin Harris.  I don't think NBA Jam had a rating for sand-bagging when the team is bad.  I'll check on that and get right back to you.

Chicago: Luol Deng and Kimberly Noah.  I like the way the Bulls do things.  If you draft players with the exact same skill set every year, you can corner the market.  No one else has 6'10" power forwards forced to play center without offensive game like we do.  Hello 10th place in the conference!

Charlotte: Jason Richardson and Gerald Wallace.  This team would be nasty.  Like my about to be 5-1 fantasy football team is nasty.  Was that outloud?  Whatever, 1st place does that to a man.  It makes him bold.  Like my decision to draft Aaron Rogers... bold.

Milwaukee: Richard Jefferson and Michael Redd.  Shooting percentage?  Over-rated stat.  In real life, I have no idea how Milwaukee will be this year. I talked myself into them finishing with the 4th seed the other day.  I really did.  I woke up today and put them 10th.  I have no idea.  No one knows.  I think it depends on how healthy Bogut is.  Boy that was great analysis.

New York: Zack Randolph and Jamal Crawford.  Ewing and Starks... similar in that they are each NBA players.  'Ugly shot... grabs the rebound'

Miami: Dwayne Wade and Sean Marion.  Eventually, this could grow into Beasley.  I feel like Marion would be the Larry Johnson of the modern NBA Jam.  Rated strong in every category.

West

LA Lakers: Pau Gasol and Lamar Odom.  Bryant, Kobe would never let himself be included.  He'd be at home, looking into the mirror repeating the phrase: 'the game of basketball' until he was convinced that he sounded enough like Jordan.

New Orleans: Chris Paul and Tyson Chandler.  NBA Jam wouldn't match the tightness of CP in real life.  He's Isiah Thomas without the hatred of his pears.  

San Antonio: Tim Duncan and Manu Ginobili.  He's on fire!  Ginobili would even make that 9/10 court underhand shot at the buzzer guaranteed.

Utah: Deron Williams and Carlos Boozer.  Tough call here as you want to include Kirilenko as the ultimate NBA Jam defender.  The problem is that he's a tremendous whiner.  NBA Jam was not a place for whiners.

Phoenix: Steve Nash and Amare Stoudemire.  Shaq: 'I'm the big overpaid.  12 and 10 for 20 mil.  I tanked my way out of Miami and ate my way out of LA.  I can leave any place.  I'm the great travel agent.'

Dallas: Dirk Nowitzki and Josh Howard.  J-Kidd would be a good choice here if he hadn't passed away in 2005.

Denver: Carmelo Anthony and Allen Iverson.  We talkin bout a video game.  Ain't nobody ever won and lost 'cause of a video game.  I mean, it's a game.  I don't care if people look to me for how to compete in the league or that I'm under contract and thus obligated for no other reason than the MILLIONS of dollars I'm being paid, I ain't going to try hard all the time.

Golden State: They have 13 guys who are 6'4-6'8.  I miss you Chris Mullin from NBA Jam.  I don't miss you Chris Mullin from NBA GM.

Portland: Brandon Roy and Lamarcus Aldridge.  You have to have played an NBA game to be eligible Greg Oden.  Sorry.  Looking for 'never played a game there... never played a game... OK you still have control of the board Brandon'.

Sacramento: Kevin Martin and Brad Miller.  On the Kings website right now, it says: 'The Kings are coming to Stockton!'  Stockton?  One of the 15 worst places on Earth, it's right below Kabul but above that place in Thailand where they cane people.

LA Clippers: Baron Davis and Chris Kaman.  Elton Brand is not walking through that door!

Minnesota Timberwolves: Al Jefferson and .....  That Brewer guy from Florida?  What's that?  he averaged 4 a game last year and you have to average at least 5 to be in a video game?  Oh... ummm... Kevin McHale?  

Memphis: Rudy Gay and OJ Mayo.  Was there ever a glitch in NBA Jam where two players from the same team would fight for the ball?

Kevin Durant's Traveling Basketball Team: Kevin Durant and Chris Wilcox.  The biggest tragedy is that people aren't more outraged that David Stern and the other owners LOVED the move.  The precedent for holding a city hostage is great for sports.  Not.  Ooooh!  Old school 'not' in your eyepiece.  6th grade and shizzle.

Who would you play with?

Take us home NBA Jam theme music!