I'm... Ron... Burgundy?

It's Anchorman!  Not Anchorlady!  Here at Gus Johnon's Whisper, we were thinking about the NBA season.  We were also watching Anchorman.  The following is an NBA preview based on Anchorman quotes.  We know, it is genius.

"I'm not sure but apparently you just run for an extended period of time. It's supposed to be wild." - The New York Knicks.  Mike D'A'N't'ioni brings the running game to New York.  He took the extra $5 mil to coach a team that fits his style like a size 2 fits a chick in the 'before picture'.  Maybe the J is soft Eddy Curry... maybe the j is soft.  

"We've been coming to this same party for 13 years.  And in no way is that depressing." - The Spurs.  OH MY GOD we are so sick of this team.  If we have to watch them on national TV and we see the Tim Duncan 'you whistled me for a foul? MEEEEE?' face one more time, we're just gonna spit.

"take it easy, Champ. Why don't you sit this next one out, stop talking for a while." - The Washington Wizards.  Here's the thinking: Outbid yourself by 30 million to sign popular star with knee issues, barely make playoffs amid constant 'are they better without him?' talk, lose in 1st round.  Repeat.

"I'm in a glass case of emotion!' - The Boston Celtics.  Hey did you know that Kevin Garnett is competitive?  It slipped right past me when every single analyst talked about it the David Stern mandated 4.2 times per 10 minutes.  Also, Paul Pierce cried last night when they raised the banner.  

"Great Oden's Raven" - The Portland Trail Blazers.  Today's little news blurb next to Greg Oden on my fantasy roster: 'Oden to have MRI'.  No one saw that coming.

"Milk was a poor choice" - The Minnesota Timerbwolves.  We're trying to start a movement to call Kevin Love 'Milk'.  It's because he's chalky white and tough to digest for some people.  Help spread the word.

"Guess what, I do. I know that one day Veronica and I are gonna to get married on top of a mountain, and there's going to be flutes playing and trombones and flowers and garlands of fresh herbs. And we will dance till the sun rises. And then our children will form a family band. And we will tour the countryside and you won't be invited." - The Phoenix Suns.  Very quietly, the Suns are a terrible organization.  They are competitive every year so we don't notice them fleecing their fans by selling draft picks to save $ that could have helped them get over the hump.  The 'Shaquisition' last year ranks among the more delusional moves moves in the history of sport.

"I wanna say something. I'm gonna put it out there; if you like it, you can take it, if you don't, send it right back. I want to be on you." - The Philadelphia 76ers.  Everyone is making this their 'team to watch' pick.  Let us know when Andre Miller and Samue Dalembert are ready to be key guys on a championship team.  6 seed.  Thanks for stopping by.

"Discovered by the Germans in 1904, they named it Sand Diego... which is of course German for a 'whale's vagina" - The Sacramento Kings.  Sacramento is a German word for 'who the f*%* is John Salmons?'

"Well I could be wrong, but I believe diversity is an old, old wooden ship used during the Civil War Era."  - The Indiana Pacers.  Once TJ Ford gets hurt, you've got Travis Deiner, Mike Dunleavy, Troy Murphy, Rasho Nesterovic, and Danny Granger.  That is diversity right there.

"The human torch was denied a bank loan."  - The Houston Rockets.  Ron Artest is the human torch.  He was also recently denied a loan according to our sources.

"I pooped a cornish game hen." - The Memphis Grizzlies.  All 87 fans in attendance get a Marc Gasol beard blanket.

"I'm proud of you fellas. You all kept your head on a swivel, and that's what you gotta do when you find yourself in a vicious cock fight." - Charlotte Bobcats.  We're calling any time Larry Brown takes a job that he's going to hate 'a cock fight'.

"Mmmmm... I look good. I mean really good. Hey everyone come see how good I look." - Los Angeles Lakers.  It looks good on paper.  Let me ask you this, would you be ready to bet on them with the ongoing Odom contract year/not enough touches for everyone subplot?  This could be like an NBA cowboys situation.  Then again, they might just win 65 games and roll over everyone.

**** Some people pointed this out to us and we just looked it up... and we're idiots. Bill Simmons did a great version of this in 2005 for a column about NBA Summer Moves. Here it is:

http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=simmons/050804 His was totally first, and actually well written. Apologies to the Sports Guy and thanks to those that let us know.*****

NBA JAM!!!

At Gus Johnson's Whisper, we love classic things.  And by classic things, we mean video games from when we were kids.  The best basketball game ever made is NBA Jam.  The debate is over 2nd place.  Ohhhh but what about NBA 2K Live To The Streets The Life '10?  Nope.  Dumb.  Basketball games are always bad for some reason.  Maybe it's the sideview screen, maybe it's the play controls, or maybe it's just that we're not kids.  Whatever.  NBA Jam was great.

Anyway, we realized that 2 NBA Jam players: Scott Skiles and Terry Porter are now NBA head coaches.  This got us to thinking, who would make the best NBA Jam pairings today?  We're going to keep it real.  You'll see:

Eastern Conference

Boston: Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen.  The big guy/little guy combo would be devastating.  'He's heating up' every 13 seconds for Ray Allen with KG lurking to protect the rim/goaltend.

Detroit: Rasheed Wallace and Rip Hamilton.  This would be an annoying team because their ratings wouldn't be that good but somehow, when you played against them on the computer they would be awkwardly close.  Especially if the game was on juice mode.

Orlando: Rashard Lewis and Hedo Turkoglu.  Shaq wasn't in this game because he was a bagadouche, so we can only assume that no Orlando big men can be included.  This team would struggle to stop you but it would be 3 ball in your eyepiece all afternoon or evening depending on when you were playing.

Cleveland: Zyldrunas Ilgauskas and Delonte West.  You know Lebron James would play it like MJ/Shaq/Barkley (Barkley was available in the earlier versions, including the one that I had but later became unavailable once his game: 'shut up and jam' came out.  Note: shut up and jam sucked) and not allow himself to be included for some reason.  When he leaves Cleveland, does he get booed when he comes back?  I cannot wait to see what happens.

Washington: Antawn Jamison and Caron Butler.  This might be the exact opposite of the Tom Guggliata/Harvey Grant combo from the original.  Arenas would not be included because his knee passed away and is in the midst of designing his own basketball game where point guards have to take 22 shots per night.

Toronto: Chris Bosh and Jose Calderon.  Jose is on vacation so far away.  Call him up to talk it over.  So many things that I wanna say, you know I like my girls a little bit older...

Philadelphia: Elton Brand and Andre Igoudala.  This would be one of the nastier squads.  good defensive stats and high dunk ratings.  'Jams it in!'

Atlanta: Joe Jonson and Mike Bibby.  I hated teams with 2 guards and one would be a mini guy.  HATED.

Indiana: Danny Granger and Mike Dunleavy.  Exactly 0.0 defense.  This is the modern day Edwards/Lohaus team which no one ever lost to in the history of the game.

New Jersey: Vince Carter and Devin Harris.  I don't think NBA Jam had a rating for sand-bagging when the team is bad.  I'll check on that and get right back to you.

Chicago: Luol Deng and Kimberly Noah.  I like the way the Bulls do things.  If you draft players with the exact same skill set every year, you can corner the market.  No one else has 6'10" power forwards forced to play center without offensive game like we do.  Hello 10th place in the conference!

Charlotte: Jason Richardson and Gerald Wallace.  This team would be nasty.  Like my about to be 5-1 fantasy football team is nasty.  Was that outloud?  Whatever, 1st place does that to a man.  It makes him bold.  Like my decision to draft Aaron Rogers... bold.

Milwaukee: Richard Jefferson and Michael Redd.  Shooting percentage?  Over-rated stat.  In real life, I have no idea how Milwaukee will be this year. I talked myself into them finishing with the 4th seed the other day.  I really did.  I woke up today and put them 10th.  I have no idea.  No one knows.  I think it depends on how healthy Bogut is.  Boy that was great analysis.

New York: Zack Randolph and Jamal Crawford.  Ewing and Starks... similar in that they are each NBA players.  'Ugly shot... grabs the rebound'

Miami: Dwayne Wade and Sean Marion.  Eventually, this could grow into Beasley.  I feel like Marion would be the Larry Johnson of the modern NBA Jam.  Rated strong in every category.

West

LA Lakers: Pau Gasol and Lamar Odom.  Bryant, Kobe would never let himself be included.  He'd be at home, looking into the mirror repeating the phrase: 'the game of basketball' until he was convinced that he sounded enough like Jordan.

New Orleans: Chris Paul and Tyson Chandler.  NBA Jam wouldn't match the tightness of CP in real life.  He's Isiah Thomas without the hatred of his pears.  

San Antonio: Tim Duncan and Manu Ginobili.  He's on fire!  Ginobili would even make that 9/10 court underhand shot at the buzzer guaranteed.

Utah: Deron Williams and Carlos Boozer.  Tough call here as you want to include Kirilenko as the ultimate NBA Jam defender.  The problem is that he's a tremendous whiner.  NBA Jam was not a place for whiners.

Phoenix: Steve Nash and Amare Stoudemire.  Shaq: 'I'm the big overpaid.  12 and 10 for 20 mil.  I tanked my way out of Miami and ate my way out of LA.  I can leave any place.  I'm the great travel agent.'

Dallas: Dirk Nowitzki and Josh Howard.  J-Kidd would be a good choice here if he hadn't passed away in 2005.

Denver: Carmelo Anthony and Allen Iverson.  We talkin bout a video game.  Ain't nobody ever won and lost 'cause of a video game.  I mean, it's a game.  I don't care if people look to me for how to compete in the league or that I'm under contract and thus obligated for no other reason than the MILLIONS of dollars I'm being paid, I ain't going to try hard all the time.

Golden State: They have 13 guys who are 6'4-6'8.  I miss you Chris Mullin from NBA Jam.  I don't miss you Chris Mullin from NBA GM.

Portland: Brandon Roy and Lamarcus Aldridge.  You have to have played an NBA game to be eligible Greg Oden.  Sorry.  Looking for 'never played a game there... never played a game... OK you still have control of the board Brandon'.

Sacramento: Kevin Martin and Brad Miller.  On the Kings website right now, it says: 'The Kings are coming to Stockton!'  Stockton?  One of the 15 worst places on Earth, it's right below Kabul but above that place in Thailand where they cane people.

LA Clippers: Baron Davis and Chris Kaman.  Elton Brand is not walking through that door!

Minnesota Timberwolves: Al Jefferson and .....  That Brewer guy from Florida?  What's that?  he averaged 4 a game last year and you have to average at least 5 to be in a video game?  Oh... ummm... Kevin McHale?  

Memphis: Rudy Gay and OJ Mayo.  Was there ever a glitch in NBA Jam where two players from the same team would fight for the ball?

Kevin Durant's Traveling Basketball Team: Kevin Durant and Chris Wilcox.  The biggest tragedy is that people aren't more outraged that David Stern and the other owners LOVED the move.  The precedent for holding a city hostage is great for sports.  Not.  Ooooh!  Old school 'not' in your eyepiece.  6th grade and shizzle.

Who would you play with?

Take us home NBA Jam theme music!