Saturday, September 19, 2009
Friday, September 18, 2009
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
We're Back!
It's been too long friends and readers and other people that search for things online and are randomly taken here. It's mostly our fault and here at Gus Johnson's Whisper, we promise anew to bring you things to read and comment on.
Here's some stuff on our minds:
Look, we played sports at a pretty high level for a lot of years. We have argued, seemingly to no one, that teams should not interact after the game ends. We're a big believer in shaking hands before the game. Once the game starts, we are not your friend. Asking a young man to 'shut it off', especially in a sport that requires as much aggression as football, is a much harder task that non-athletic media members realize. Players should shake hands before the game and then retire to separate quarters. We're amazed there aren't more of these incidents in sports. 'WTF do you mean good game? You beat me and now I have to look at you and shake your hand and pretend it isn't eating at my soul?'
We learned our lesson the hard way when, after a regional game as a 14 year old, a 15 year old from Macon, GA punched our mouth after we told him 'great game' (we won 13-2). Pre-game shake people.
-Football is back.
We said football, but really meant absurdly large breasts... no, we meant football. Here's our quick hitting NFL preview so that you won't have to waste the next 26 weeks:
NFC Playoff teams: Giants, Eagles, Carolina, Minnesota, Green Bay, Seattle.
NFC Championship Game: Eagles/Green Bay - Eagles Win (we throw up on repeat)
AFC Playoff teams: New England, Indianapolis, San Diego, Pittsburgh, Baltimore, Tennessee
AFC Championship Game: New England/Baltimore - Baltimore Win
Superbowl: Eagles/Ravens - Ravens win and a crisis is averted.
-MLB Pennant Races
The Yankees are running away with the division. Their playoff rotation seems solid (Sabathia, Burnett, and Petite) but there are still some questions. They don't seem to know what to do about a 4th and 5th starter. No one notices because they score 46 runs per game right now but that's not how the playoffs go. Seems to us, the best chance they have to win this year is to make Joba the Hutt a reliever again. We think that's the secret behind the 3 inning performances of late. He turns into a weapon in a series. You can use him for 2-3 innings to get to Riviera. It shortens the game and he can just go out and pitch instead of trying to economize and pace himself. Who knows if that's what they do, but it's what we would do if we actually wanted to win the World Series.
The Angels and Tigers are both a little bit nasty but also flawed right now. Who knows who gets hot? (Cardinals '06 for example)but right now, we'd be nervous both as fans of these squads or as fans opposing them.
Short series with Detroit? It's cold and I have to see Verlander and Jackson twice? You might also get one of those 'rookie with huge sack' outings from Rick Porcello. Then again, you can pitch to most of their bats. Bunch of strikeout guys and spare parts around Miguel Cabrera so their offense is as scary as a Lifetime movie.
The Angels have a complete lineup that wears pitching down. The whole lineup is above .300 and they can all do it against good pitching because they don't muscle up. Their problem? What pitchers scare you? Lackey and Weaver are not the kind of power arms that usually rule the post season. After that? We went 2/2 vs Joe Saunders and hit a line drive so hard, he hurt his neck spinning around (no he didn't).
In the NL, Philly looks old all of a sudden don't they? Rollins isn't the same and Ibanez realized that he is, in fact, Raul Ibanez and stopped the fantasy ruining nonsense. The Dodgers have a different lineup every day and their pitching is kind of breaking down. The Cards look great but that's just it. When was the last time the team that was 'supposed to' won the NL? It's always a wild card team or some forgotten division winner. Go back and look. The Cards are complete but you still see a weakness or 2 in there (bullpen has been a little shaky of late, someone between Ankiel/Duncan/Rasmus/DeRosa has to hit).
Still, the prediction is...
Yankees vs Cardinals - Yanks win. Annoying.
More to come.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Friday, June 19, 2009
Top This!
We cannot believe how amazing this video is. Absolute genius in a time of non genius. Enjoy.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
USA World Cup Qualifier Running Diary
The US hasn't won in Costa Rica since... ever. They don't win there. That bodes well.
Giddyup
10PM - GJW is in his underwear. Mrs. GJW is out of town.
10 PM and 4 seconds: Costa Rica has already scored. It was off a terrible touch by Demarcus Beasley. It's time to recognize that Beasley plays soccer like he hates the soccer ball. He is fast. That's cool. But that guy kills us. The experiment needs to end.
10:05 - John Harkes is doing the color with John Paul Delcamera. JPD has called every soccer game that we can remember. John Harkes is like a judge on a fashion show.
10:10 - The US defense looks atrocious. Costa Rica just scored again. This time the Marvel Wynne/Mastroeni side was at fault. Wow. It's only World Cup qualifying. Way to bring your A game and then leave it in the hotel.
10:16 - Is it a rule that Latin American countries have to play games on sh*tty fields? This field looks like the kind of green carpet over asphalt they put down for awkward sales at stadium armories.
10:18 - Is it also a rule that every Costa Rican player has to have aggressively sweaty and matted down hair?
10:22 - The US hates offense.
10:26 - The US is possessing the ball a lot in the midfield. Harkes and JPD are bantering about a questionable call in a recent MLS matchup. We'll defer to them because we somehow missed it.
10:30 - Beasley, Mastroeni, Wynne, and Dempsey are not good. That hurts a team's chances.
10:33 - Costa Rica has 3 goals on 2 shots on goal. The US does not have a shot on goal or a corner kick. It's about strategy.
10:36 - Harkes reminds us that the US is without Frankie Hejduk. If you need Frankie Hejduk, you're not the 14th best soccer team in the world.
10:37 - On cue, Harkes says he doesn't buy the world rankings from FIFA. We are forced to agree. The US is 14th which means that according to the governing body of soccer, there are only 13 teams better. Watch us name 13 off the top of our head: Argentina, Brazil, Portugal, Spain, The Netherlands, France, Germany, Italy, England, Russia, Czech Republic, Turkey, and Greece. There have to be some more teams besides them right?
10:42: The ball is bouncing all over the place and the US just got their first shot but it was not on net. The US hasn't scored in this country since the year 2000. We went through some slumps too... but those were like a couple months.
10:43 - Why does it always look like the other team always has 3 more players on the field when they play the US in soccer? That's the thing that always makes us anxious when we watch the US; they look outnumbered on both sides of the field.
10:45 - There will be 1 minute of stoppage time. This is one of the 4 reasons why soccer will never really catch on in the US; there was way more than 1 minute of 'non-play'. Just stop the clock and get rid of the extra layer of subjectivity. Stoppage time is just another way for the referee to feel important.
10:46 - Halftime. 2-0 Costa Rica. Hey Landon, where's my bag? I left it right here... I packed it up before the game started and now I can't find it...
11:00 - 2nd half adjustments... none. The US throws in a guy that plays in the MLS. US soccer is in trouble. We mean it. Not just this game, which is bad, but in general. Here's what happens:
- Some guys play in the MLS. This league doesn't resemble anything like the better leagues around the world. It's choppy and gross. This doesn't help guys get better.
- The guys that play in the good leagues in Europe sit on the bench for months at a time. This doesn't help them get better.
- The MLS guys all want to get European deals. Again, not good.
11:15 - The US still doesn't have a shot on goal. Jozy Altidore, the team's best scorer looks rusty. He hasn't played in months or something. He looks awkward like a chick in football pads.
11:25 - We just checked to see what was up with Randy Johnson. Game is a rainout.
11:30 - Again, banter about the MLS. It's not gonna happen JPD. We are not going to tune in to see the Metro Stars and/or New England Revolution.
11:32 - Marvel Wynne should never be allowed to play again.
11:34 - The entire US team stands still and watches the 3rd goal. Everyone looks tired. The amount of space the guy had to work with was like the ball was radioactive. Embarrassing.
11:36 - 3-0. What a gong show. Harkes is upset. Like really upset. 'Get these designs out of here!'
11:38 - They keep saying that Tim Howard never had a chance on any of those goals. Sure he did. He was 10 yards off his line on the 1st goal. It was a great shot but he could have saved it if he was in position. He anticipated a cross. Whatevs.
11:44 - Harkes was comparing this team to some of the past years of US soccer. He makes it sound like the 'old guys' were warriors. Umm broseph? You guys went 0-3 in 1990. We remember that because we were excited about it. Your squad was the dinner party fart.
And yes, that is a picture of Toto Schillacci from the 1990 World Cup.
11:46 - Here is reason #2 why soccer will never really catch on in the US. A CR player pretended to get hit in the junk and rolled around hoping to get a card on the offending US player. Several points here:
- US fans hate flops. That's why everyone who didn't go to Duke hates Duke basketball.
-The 'card' is such a big deal. In other sports, penalties are more in proportion with the way the game is played. 6 fouls, 5 (or 15) yards, 2 minutes etc. 1 yellow is huge. A player that gets a yellow cannot play aggressively at all for fear of a 2nd card. 2 yellows means an ejection. 2 straight games with a yellow means you are suspended for the following game! Imagine that: Orlando Pace committed holding penalties in 2 straight games so he will sit out week 3.
- There are too few officials. The game happens so fast and any insinuation that you need more people to cover the action is treated like an insult against refs. The fact is, players get rewarded for taking dives (Italy won the world cup this way).
11:48 Freddy Adu looks decent. How did that go so wrong? You've got to play that kid. He's 20 and we get that he isn't going to save the world but you need him. You need the symbol that kids can follow so they want to play the game and play it in the US.
11:54: Penalty shot. Donovan scores. 3-1. Too little too late.
12:00 - Yuck. 3-1. Just a butt salad.
Honduras on Saturday. Hopefully, they bounce back like the 14th best team in the world should.
Friday, May 22, 2009
The Rise and Fall of Cities
Sports are built on cycles. The seasons, the ups and downs, dominance and rebuilding, and steroid cycles also...
Lots of cities have gone through really sucky periods in their sports history. Being in a losing city is like getting punched by a boxer in the stomach when you least expect it every day. Since no one watches boxing anymore, we'll go through each city's 'downtime' and give you a boxer.
Washington, DC: Bernard Hopkins.
It's happening right now people. We are DC guys and it sucks to be a fan of DC sports these days. We picked Hopkins because he is annoying strategist kind of fighter that might hit you in the nutsos when the official has his head turned. The Caps just lost to the Pittsburgh Voldemorts, the Nationals spent $9 on their payroll and their pitching would not win prizes at fairgrounds where you have to knock things over with a ball, the Wizards just got a Superfly Snooka Elbow with the 5th pick in the draft and are locked into the same perennial 6 seed roster for the next several years... and the Redskins... ugh. At least the ownership doesn't get it. Every offseason there is a yardsale and a gongshow outside Redskins Park. Trading Campbell, the Cutler shabingus, the Haynesworth contract, and the general unwillingness to actually build a team through the draft like... ALL THE OTHER SUCCESSFUL TEAMS EVER.
Philadelphia: George Foreman.
This is the angry George Foreman who used to be a baddass and punched really hard. Before the Phillies title last year, the went 25 years without a major sports title and just a few whiffs of success. For us, we like it when they don't get stuff because we hate that city like we hate tapas. Order your own food bruh. We're gonna order what we want and no I don't want to share your kelp. Think about Vinny Derucci with his McNabb jersey leaving the Vet after a playoff collapse. That's a George Forman 1973 gut punch.
Cleveland: Mike Tyson.
Now, this is Cleveland's entire sports history before Lebron. Now, a pro sports title is plausible as long as he's in town and allowed to travel in crunch time and have anyone that fouls him fined by the league. But before Lebron (BL)? They were famous for 'being on the court/field while another team had a great moment'. From Ehlo to Renteria, these fans were getting Mike Tyson in his prime drilled in the gut. Also, Cleveland is in Cleveland.
Seattle: Mohammed Ali.
They LOST A BASKETBALL TEAM! The Mariners have 1 meaningful playoff series win in their history (that great series vs the Yankees when Jr. scored from first on Edgar's double). This town of angst is getting punched all the time from all different angles like Ali used to drop on his opponents. Why does the side of my face hurt? Who hit me? Who hit me just then and where is my tooth?
Detroit: The Angry Mob in the movie Police Academy.
0-16, the Pistons wilting, the Tigers kind of treading water. Things are not awesome in Rock City these days. We actually saw an ad on tv with Kid Rock trying to get people to come to Detroit. That's like having one of those prostitutes from that HBO show about prostitutes in Atlantic City trying to get you to visit Atlantic City and to bring your whole family.
Kansas City: Ricardo Mayorga.
No one talks about him and he is nasty. He is like a quiet assassin. Similarly, no one talks about how crappy it is a Kansas City fan. The Royals were good almost 30 years ago. They are now a glorified developmental program for future stars. They're off to a nice start this year. How many of you out there see that lasting? They are one Grienke anxiety attack away from winning 9 games the rest of the year. The fans are getting punched in the tummy everyday with their 2nd class citizenship. No other teams to root for either. It's a... what's that? The Chiefs are still there? Really? You just don't hear about them for so long... well anyway, the Chiefs suck too.
Oakland: Evander Holyfield.
Evander was one of the hardest working men ever. And Oakland works hard to tag their fans with speed bag punches to the bread basket. For all the 'Moneyball' hype, the As never won squat. They have made a huge number of terrible deals for prospects that have worked out like a turd sandwhich social. And the Raiders? How about the worst owner in pro sports outworking every other owner to shaft the fans of a once storied franchise?
There you have it, the fans of these cities are or were getting gut punched on the regular. Sucks to be a fan these days.
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