Running Diary Part II

Here is the second part of the running diary.  All the way through the afternoon games.  Gus Johnson's Whisper and The World's Ombudsman.  Giddyup:

3:07-Back to Lundquist (VL)and Raftery.  We get the Pitt East Tennesee State matchup.  Raftery does his ‘mantoman’ thing to start the game.  It’s a kind of ‘welcome to the game.  I’ll be here’ kind of thing.

3:12-We realize the game we are watching is being played at Dayton.  We’re wondering what the reaction is when guys find out they have to go to Dayton to play?  It’s probably the same reaction guys have when they find out they’re going to the dentist.

3:13-TWO wonders if anyone from Dayton left something in their home locker room?  Whoopie cushion?  Turd sandwich?  The possibilities are endless.

3:19-ETSU alley oop dunk.  Tie game.  It looks like Pitt doesn’t like to be pressed.  Wonder if anyone else will notice this?

3:28-Raftery tells us that Isaiih Brown of ETSU has lots of ‘bounce to the ounce’.  Is that like the formula for slope in geometry?

3:33-Shot of VL and Raftery.  VL looks like a white version of ‘Grimace’.  He also looks like the end boss at the end of Super Mario Brothers 2 on NES.

3:36-Dayton is up 8 on West Virginia.  Looks like we were REALLY wrong about WVU.  Unless they win, then we were right.

3:37-ETSU has entered the 5 guys stand around and 1 guy goes 1 on 1 mode.  This does not bode well for the first 16 over a 1 upset.

3:43-The discussion of the term ‘mid-major’ leads to believe that said term is overused.  It’s being used for any team that makes the tournament.  Stephen F Austin is not a mid major.  We coin the term ‘Minor’ and move on.

3:46-Pitt continues to struggle with the pressure.  They are up 2.  How are you feeling about your brackets right now Pitt fans?

3:55-Some more facebook analysis.  Female pictures examined.  GJW just kind of nods and agrees a lot.

3:57-Pitt has 13 turnovers in the half.  ATTENTION!  ATTENTION! We don’t handle the press well!  Halftime up 1 over East Tennessee State.  Make it 3.  Basket was no good.  Whatever.  Ov-er-Ra-ted, duh duh duh duh duh, Ov-er-Ra-ted…

4:01-Spanarkal joke # 19 comes up as CBS switches back to ASU Temple.  This joke involves spackle and a swing set.  Temple is in the game because of Christmas.  Harden continues to be ‘just a guy’.  Enjoy him whoever picks him.

4:06-The short white guy on ASU pulls up with a back.  We believe this is a flash-forward to his life 25 years later at the local Y.

4:09-Christmas steals the ball from Harden and then outruns him down the other end to draw a foul on a 1 on 2.  We feel this is a microcosm.  We looked up micrcosm to be sure we were right.

4:12-All things considered, CBS is doing a pretty good job of tossing us to the games that are competitive.  We feel this is because Billy Packer is no longer associated with the tournament.

4:17-ETSU 3 to start the half.  Tie game.  This is way too late for a national champ contender to be tied with a 16 seed.

4:18-TWO goes: ‘Wanna see a video of a leopard attacking someone?’  Yes.  Yes we do.

4:20-ETSU misses their 100^th free throw.  In the ‘Anatomy of an Upset’, nowhere is it written: ‘The lower seeded team should miss all of its free throws.’  So annoying.  This 16 over a 1 thing could be had.  It’s right there.

4:28-THE ETSU dude screams ‘GET IT OUT!’ on a block.  We rewind this a dozen times.  Incredible.

4:30-The Kiss!  Another Pitt turnover.  ETSU is down 2.  They are teasing us. 

4:32-TWO breaks down the Wild Wings commercial where the flash photographer sends the game into overtime.  Here are the issues he has:

-NYC and Boston fans are acting harmoniously.

-People don’t root for an outcome, rather, for the game to go on indefinitely.  This is not how fans watch games. 

-All the fans in attendance celebrate when the Boston player crashes into the base of the basket.  If this were a real game, people would be rioting.

He is incensed.  Let’s move on.

4:39-We’re now 6 minutes behind live TV because of the above paragraph.  ETSU continues to miss free throws.  They rebound well though.

4:43- VL claims to have had a ‘sports hernia for most of his life.’  No idea how to react to this.

4:48-Previews for ‘Fast & Furious’ air.  Baffling.  Hollywood really sucks sometimes.  This is one of those times.

4:50-Dear everyone, press us and you can win.  Signed, Pitt.

4:52-GJW makes the statement: ‘Levance Fields is the new Kalid El-Amin.’  Everyone agrees to this.

4:58-More ETSU missed free throws.  Dejaun Blair tips in a miss.  Pitt up 5.  Blair is unstoppable.  Pitt will lose when he gets in foul trouble.  They’re just not that good unless he’s on the floor.

5:05-Another TO for Pitt..  2 pt game.  Blair gets an And 1.  If ETSU shoots 70% from the foul line, they’re up 7 at this point.  As it stands, they don’t have enough.

5:14-Ball game.  Stick a fork in ETSU.  The shot 50% from the line, and like 29% from the field and they were STILL in the game until the end.  The Pitt Panthers everyone!

5:18-Back to Gus Johnson.  We were wondering all along how he’s been doing.  He didn’t like that West Virginia turned it over.  GJ doesn’t like turnovers when you need buckets.  Conversely, he loves the Chevrolet Players of the Game.

End of the afternoon games.

Running Diary of Round 1

On Friday March 20^th, Gus Johnson’s Whisper got together with The World’s Ombudsman to watch the tournament.  The following is a running diary.

 

Running Diary:

1PM-GJW arrives at the TWO’s apt.  We eat dumplings.  The full meal cost $4.  Recession b*tches.

1:10-1:30-We look at facebook pictures.

1:30-CBS gives us Gus Johnson then takes him away.  This is a cruel act.

1:31-GJW makes the first joke about Jim Spanarkal (who is partnered with I-an Eagle).  One of the jokes involves the word ‘merkel’.

1:33-The OK St./Tenn game comes on because it’s close.  Vern Lundquist.  Really?  This feels like figure skating.  This game is a reminder that the Big XII and SEC were really terrible this year.

1:38-We realize that when you watch games online on NCAA.com, you can’t switch games during commercials.  We both realize this is smart because that’s exactly what you want to do but it’s also annoying because that’s exactly you want to do.

1:45-Gus Johnson is back.  Len Elmore tells us that turnovers are bad for a team with a lead.  There was some confusion over this.  Settled!

1:46-TWO informs us that he picked North Dakota State to beat Kansas.  This is not a good pick, even if they win, it’s still not good.  This is like someone bragging about how early they wake up in the morning.  You know what?  I’m more rested than you because sleep is awesome.

1:48- Gus Johnson is building his excitement.  3 point game with 14 to play.  Kansas is nervous.  GJ is excited.  He can sense that upset.  He’s like a lion stalking a herd of gazelle on the African plains.

1:52-NDST makes a bucket.  We discuss the white wash and how awkward it is for the one black guy on the bench.  What music gets played in the locker room?

1:55-TWO explains the definition of a ‘Cheap 6’.  We can’t link to it here but it’s fascinating.

1:56- Gus Johnson compares a SDST player to Steve Nash and accuses him of being ‘A BALLER!’  We love Gus Johnson.

1:58-Applebees Commercial.  Who goes to Applebees?  Like who says: ‘I need to hit up the Bees right now or I’ll be so angry I could spit’?

2:00-GJ is just carrying Len Elmore right now.  LE is reading off stats with the excitement of a librarian on lithium.  Why can’t they just pair GJ with Raftery?  I guess that makes too much sense.

2:03-GJ makes a joke about Archie Bell.  Who in hell is Archie Bell?  It’s as awkward as it sounds. 

2:04-A BS charge is called against NDST.  The charge is ruining basketball.  We blame Duke.

2:06-NDST has no answer for Collins or Aldrich.  The 3s aren’t falling.  Yet, they are only down 5.  Ben Woodside.  Remember that name.  Remember it because you’ll never see him again unless you take a tour of a national park.  He’ll be giving the tour.

2:07-GJ has to read a promo for the Mentalist.  We’re going to have to watch the show now.  That’s how good GJ is, he makes terrible crime dramas on CBS sound serviceable.

2:15-Kansas goes up 10.  GJ says they are beginning to ‘stiffen up’ the D.  See you later Gus.  We’re changing games now.

2:18-Shot of Travis Ford, Oklahoma State’s coach.  TWO and GJW discuss how he could pull a great Billy Hoyle routine on an all black court in LA.  ‘I may be a chump.  Just saying that ain’t my name.  I played for Pitino.’

2:20-Verne Lundquist says ‘double bonus’.  It sounds like he’s talking about a real estate deal.  He fits college hoops like a bear fits into a book club.

2:23-GJW and TWO eat a Clementine.  How good are clementines?  Why are they not called ‘lil’ oranges’.  Or ‘Lornges’?

2:27-OSU calls a timeout.  Tie game with 1:30 left.  What are they discussing?  ‘Hey, listen up!  Neither of these teams should be in the tourney.  One of us should be St. Mary’s.  So get out there and be futile.’

2:29-Raftery uses ‘physicallity’ and ‘whirling derivsh’ in a sentence.  Awesome.

2:31-OSU ball down 1, 10 seconds…. AND 1!  Wow!  Raftery… ‘THE KISS!’  ‘Loungerie on the DECK!’  He’s incredible.

2:33-Quick cut to Marquette icing it against Utah St.  If Utah is a state university, why do you need Utah State?  Sell the naming rights.

2:34-The color guy on the Marquette game said this: ‘The best case for Utah State here is for Marquette to miss both free throws. The second best case is for him to miss 1.’  We are unsure as to the 3^rd best scenario.

2:36-Tennessee loses.  Sad.  No more Bruce Pearl.  Quick cut to Marquette.  Utah State banks in a 3 to go down 2 with 23 left.  It’s interesting again.  We feel bad for Marquette because they lost a great player on a freak injury.  They would have been a much better team.  Now, they’re Utah State good.

2:38-We check our email.  We get an email from Williams Sonoma.  We’re on a mailing list b/c of a wedding registry.  The couple is now divorced.  Where are we in the settlement?  We sunk $ and energy into that thing and we get nothing back.  We’re still deleting emails every other day from Pottery Barn too.  See what we’re saying?

2:41-Marquette wins.  Exciting game.  Think about what we said Utah State… think about it.

2:45-Temple/Arizona State is just starting.  This will be our definitive ‘Evaluation of James Harden and wether he should be a top 10 pick like everyone is saying.’  We’re trying to be unbiased but we’re leaning towards ‘not’.

2:57-Deonte Christmas drills another 3.  Temple sucks but this dude is nasty.  Someone could do a lot worse than drafting this guy… a lot worse like James Harden?  It’s not like they’re matched up against each other so you can get a good comparison.. what's that?  They're covering each other... Ah... Let's move on.

2:59-Gene Hackman does Loes voiceovers.  He’s done it for years.  Gary Sinice is doing Army ads.  Neither of these guys needs the $.  You can’t book another voiceover guy for these things?

3:00-Why is it ‘I-an Eagle?’  It’s ‘ee-an’ for everyone else.  If we knew him, we’d never stop pointing this out.

3:03-bad pass comes to Harden.  He could have gone down 1 on 1 in transition.  Instead, he pulls back and runs the offense.  Wouldn’t lottery picks just go score there?  The answer is yes.  We don’t get it.

END PART 1

Wizards Seek NBA Rule Change

Today, Washington Wizards GM Ernie Grunfield filed a brief with the NBA Office in New York with little fanfare.  After reading this article in the Washington Post:

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/03/05/AR2009030501651.html

It occurred to Grunfeld that the Wizards were being short changed in the way games were being officiated and counted.

  

The brief never made it to the desk of David Stern, NBA Commissioner and eater of city councilmen who won't do new arena deals at the expense of citizens.  Instead, the brief was read by an intern and then summarily shredded and subsequently burned.  What were it's contents?  Our street correspondent, Bubb Rubb, was able to salvage some of the ashes and said:

'That's only in da mow-nin.  You 'posed to be up cookin bref-fest by then...'

Bubb Rubb has since been fired by Gus Johnson's Whisper.

We were able to determine that the Wizards' GM was attempting to get the league to change the rules so that 'Hustle Stats' would count in the final outcome of the game.  Example:

If Wizards SF and busted jump-shooter Dominic 'Have Trouble Throwing It Into the Ocean from the Beach' McGuire bricks an open jumper off the bottom of the front of the rim, chases the rebound out of bounds and dives into the 3rd row before the possession changes, under current NBA rules, that counts as nothing.

Grunfeld wanted the league to review its scoring policy.  'For so long, we've been under the same fascist system of 'baskets' and 2s and 3s and sometimes free throws.  So maybe I'm outside the box on this and maybe I wanted to deflect attention away from the fact that I signed Etan Thomas, to one of the worst contracts in history, or that Deshawn Stevenson will be here 3 more years.  Let's find a way to make this thing work.  Hurry home soon Gilbert.'

Under Grunfeld's plan, McGuire would be averaging a staggering 41 points per game.  The most valuable points under this system are given to guys who can't actually score.  Grunfeld's system lowers the value of so called 'dominant players' like Kobe Bryant, Dwayne Wade, and Lebron James.  The system is also creative in other ways.

Power forwards baskets will only count for .25 points.  This is an attempt to slow the trend,  since the arrival of Antawn Jamison, of power forwards having career games vs the Wizards.  When asked about his opinion of the new plan, Atlanta Hawks 4th option Marvin Williams said, "Oh hell no son!  I need them Wizards games to keep that average up!  Yo, you can't just get 28 and 12 on everybody!"

The plan has some other tricky facets.  According to our sources, here is what we know:

-Point Guards are not allowed to penetrate past the free throw line and easily break down a defense.  The must stay outside a new circular arc to be painted 15 feet around the basket.

-Teams without any consistent outside shooters get a 13 point pre-game bonus

-Teams that have no reason to play veterans and some younger players to develop but continue to give meaningful minutes to said veterans receive Domino's Pizzas in the locker room after road games.

-Any team that is willing to start an unathletic 6'8" Lithuanian at Center is given the 6 seed in the Eastern Conference regardless of record.

-Any team with a big man that is scared of the better big men in the league (Howard, Garnett) but puffs up against scrubs will be allowed 5 free dunks to be followed by mandatory 'look at me' chest pounds and subsequent 'skyward finger points'.  A 1 point bonus per dunk will be included if the players on the bench execute the 'hold me back because I'm laughing so hard' move.

Needless to say, the measure did not pass the hurdles necessary to be brought before the NBA Competition Committee.  'We'll keep trying,' said Grunfeld.  'It's not fair that we are the worst team in basketball.  It's the fault of the rules and not the brutal team I assembled while preaching continuity in order to keep my job.'

Redskins Want Highest Paid Player At Every Position

The Washington Redskins caused a stir around the NFL by making Albert Haynesworth the highest paid defensive player of all time.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/02/27/AR2009022703312.html

The $100 million deal is really a 3-4 year deal where Haynesworth will receive around $60 million give or take a few... million.

The Redskins, quickly realizing that having the highest paid player at each position was the only real way to build a team:

http://voices.washingtonpost.com/redskinsinsider/

2009/02/dockery_agrees_to_deal_with_sk.html

'We liked what we did there,' said a wide-eyed Vinny Cerrato fresh off of a 4-day Choose Your Own Adventure Adventure at the estate of Dan Snyder where he had to answer questions about football, team-building, local trivia, and cartoons from the 80s.  'You remember Jabberjaw,' the delirious Cerrato went on.  'He's a shark and he's hanging out with these kids under water.  That's what we tried to do here.  We think Albert is a heck of player that eats like a predatory animal.'

The team didn't stop there.  In a dizzying 48 hours, the Redskins paid Deangelo Hall, $54 million putting him among the top paid cornerbacks in the league.  'I didn't expect that,' said Joel Segal, Hall's agent and racquetball partner.  'We're thinking that a guy who got run out of two places because of attitude problems then behaved well for 8 weeks in order to earn a paycheck is going to get less than that.  But that's great, just great.  They come in before other teams bid and offer you more money than you could have gotten from anyone else.  You don't see that enough in sports.'

In a rare public statement to the team's fans through his personally dictated blog on his radio station website for southern Prince George's County, owner Daniel M. Snyder boasted: 'Obviously, the salary cap is for pu$$ies'.

The Redskins, owners of an 8-8 record despite a 6-2 start, still have several holes to fill.  Many fans believe the team is not done on the free agent market.  'I think they're not done,' said Redskins fan Justin Ramsey when asked if he thought the team was done in the free agent market and then read the card with the words 'I think they are not done' on it.  The word around the league is that the team will make a run at Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis to address the need at defensive end.

Cerrato on the teams next move: 'If you look at a guy's video game rating, and that is something we do look at.  You see a guy that has the 'mentor' team role which gives the guys around him a 1 point awareness boost when he's on the field.  86 speed and 99 awareness.  We'd want him to come in and play defensive end for us and contribute on offense as the center.  He's so good at making calls that you want him making those line calls for protections.  Also, there was this one episode of Yogi Bear where the Ranger actually assisted with a murder then lied to investigators about it.  The Ranger was still on the show and is a beloved character.'

It wasn't just NFL players getting into the act.  Sensing a franchising opportunity, BMX legend Matt Hoffman was seen doing tricks in the orange parking lot at FedEx Field.  'Money is money!' shouted Hoffman before executing a reverse fakie 180 grinder while making the 'I'm stoked' signal with his point finger and pinkie.  Hoffman was not scheduled to visit any other teams in the Free Agency period that began last Friday.

With all the dollars spent on a few players, one NFL executive who declined to be identified was concerned about the direction of the franchise: 'I think they're actually going to have to lineup without a linebacker on 1st and 2nd downs.'