The Bama of the Week

'Just hang back a minute', 'Step back from the rope please', 'What's the name of the party?', 'Who you here to see?', 'How many people with you?', 'Are you on the list?'

These are all questions that doormen at sh*tty clubs ask.  This week's bama is every doorman at a club that has a one of those movie theater ropes to trick chooches into thinking that the establishment they are attending is legitimate.

First, a doorman is not a bouncer.  A bouncer is a legit job.  Those guys are under appreciated.  At real bars, they check IDs, do some bus boy work, have to step in and break up fights, throw guys out, occasionally beat someone's a$$, stay on their feet all night and get b*tched at by underaged chicks with bad fake IDs.  Some bouncers are annoying but as a whole, they are just big dudes who are trying to make some $ on the side.

That's not what a doorman is all about.  A doorman is probably listed as a 'promoter' or 'street sales associate' or something else that is falsified and lie-y.  He is the napoleonic, shaved-chested, shiny shirt sustenad that makes it miserable for people waiting in line and rewards his boys who inevitably roll up, skip the line, do that awkward hand shake-to-thug-hug move that is forced like geometry to freshman, and then go inside ordering bottle service and attracting the kinds of girls that they should be attracting.  To us, there is nothing less palatable then going to one of these places, with these kinds of people, doing these kinds of things.

Gus Johnson's Whisper has always lived in or around large Metropolises.  We have been to lots of different types of night life options and seen some things that no one should see and some things we wish everyone could see.  The point here is that nothing is worse than this kind of doorman douche rocket.  He is an a$$hole professionally.  Somewhere along the way, someone figured out that the best way to run a club was to tell people they couldn't get in.  They make 20-somethings who are aggressively eager to be seen in the 'right place' jump through hoops like a hamster.  Club doormen are the final piece of this puzzle.  

Here are some facts:

-Clubs want there to be lines outside the club of people waiting to get in.

-It builds a culture of 'we have to get there early if we want to get in.'

-If people are there longer, they spend more $ on adult beverages.

-If the early arrivers leave, there are others to take their place

So doorman von doesdrugs will pace around to give the appearance that he is incredibly busy.  He will occasionally make appearances outside close to the waiting masses as terrible patrons try to get his attention and establish some kind of connection as to why they should be allowed to enter.  He dismisses them and speaks into a cell phone or possible an earpiece that is necessary like bunting in the 9th up 12 runs.  He gives the impression that he barely has enough time to complete any of his numerous responsibilities which in reality, are limited to what is described in this paragraph.  He lets in a group of chicks that are freezing cold because they dressed turbo-slutty, these chicks are why atrocious dudes who are scumbags frequent these places to spend vast sums, and this is why the club lets in groups of slutty looking chicks.

This guy is a big deal in NY for example.  

http://nymag.com/daily/food/2008/04/tenjune_doorman_alex_julian_ni_1.html

Imagine this.  Picture it.  Good heavens.  How anyone could buy into this culture and enable such behavior is beyond us.

His job is to be a bad person.  What do you do professionally sir?  Wow, you're a bad person and get to name your own price for a job that ANYONE, literally anyone, can do?  A$$.  We're not spiritual by any means on this blog but we sure hope that this dude gets stuck in line beyond the velvet rope while everyone else gets into heaven.  

Club Doorman = Bama.

Randolph Childress Addendum

There was also this:

You'll never get us to believe that he wasn't so game tight.  Wow.

Super Nintendo, Sega Genesis... and Randolph Childress

The year was 1994.  We were rocking the Sega Genesis.  We woke up early that Saturday morning because we had to be at school for the team bus by 10AM.  The JV squad rolled in school vans over to Good Counsel High School where they got beaten by 13.  An amazingly skinny 14 year old freshman had 8 points, 3 assists, and a team high 7 turnovers to go with his 2 poutings on the bench, 1 talk-back to the coach, and 3 interactions with an opposing player that could be used against him in court.  Before we left the house, we set the VCR to tape the Wake Forrest/Duke game at 2:30 PM.  We were taken back when we turned on ESPN Classic last night.

Wow.

How tight was the ACC?  This is from memory because we couldn't find historical roster data.  Why is that so hard to find by the way?  To us, this is the sort of thing the internet was invented for.

Duke: Grant Hill, Jeff Capel, Cherokee Parks (he was bootsy but still played in the NBA for a spell)

Wake: Tim Duncan and our favorite college player ever, Randolph Childress.  More on Randolph in a moment.

UNC: Jerry Stackhouse, Rasheed Wallace, Eric Montross, and one of our 37 least favorite college players ever: Donald Williams.

Maryland: Joe Smith, Keith Booth, Ugly Johnny Rhodes, X-Ree Hipp, and Duane Simpkins

Note: Our boy Joe believes that Johnny Rhodes also should have been a star in the NBA.

Georgia Tech: Travis Best and we think Drew Barry?  Remember Drew Barry?

UVA: Curtis Staples, Harold Deane, and we think that Junior Burroughs was on the squad, also Cory Alexander played in the NBA although we have no idea what his game was.  What did he do?  No one knows.

Clemson: Sharone Wright,

Florida State: Bob Sura, Charlie Ward

Note: Bob Sura!

NC State: Not sure they fielded a team for a couple years after they lost Gugliotta.  We literally can't remember a single player off this team.

Back to what inspired this blog.  Sometimes, in life, there are mysteries.  The greatest mystery of all time to us is how Randolph Childress was not a star in the NBA.  He was incredible.  Is there anyone here who carried his squad (a squad that included Duncan) to an ACC title over one of the greatest college teams ever and set a record for points in a tournament?  OK, Randolph we have you... anyone else?  No?  No one that tight ever?

His game was incredible.  He was buckets, great handle, saw the court and was always under control.  So smooth.  His game was literally like an infant's buttocks... in terms of the smoothness.

We taped that game back in '94.  After we got home, showered, played through Revenge of Shinobi on Genesis (we always got unlimited shurikens and tons of extra lives so you could beat it the tight way of saving the chick and killing the boss), we rewound the tape and watched an all-time classic.

In the 1st half, Childress passed on a lot of shots and was a distributor.  Duke put the uber-athletic Grant Hill on RC.  The game went back and forth with Wake trailing by a hoop in the final minute.  Duncan was all tawkward and lanky at this point and his offensive game was like that 51 year old at the Y with rec specs.  So, Wake works the ball around to Childress with about 20 seconds left.  They clear out the side.  16 seconds.  Childress drives on Hill.  14 seconds.  Childress steps back with his super tight stepback move that no one has ever done better ever.  13 seconds.  Childress launches a 3 over the 6'8" frame and outstretched arms of Hill, the same Hill that caught a ball above the square on an alley-oop and was one of the most athletic guys ever before the injuries.  11 seconds.  Buckets.  3 pointer puts Wake up 1.  No one at Cameron Privileged Suburban Stadium knows what to do.  Hill misses a shot at the buzzer.  Wake wins.

It was a great Saturday.  Note: We did not talk to any girls.

After he was drafted by the Pistons, he hurt his knee.  He resurfaced a few years later playing in dumb leagues overseas.  We can't help but think of what he would have been in today's league with the handchecking rules.  We think he'd be 20 and 8 and be a feared crunchtime scorer.  Wow he was tight.  We'll literally never forget.

Where's the Hype?

Did you even remember that the Superbowl is this week?  Who's having a party?  Are you sure what you're doing yet?  We at Gus Johnson's Whisper feel like we are not alone in this awkward feeling of this boring Superbowl week.  There's no hype.  The best we get are dumb articles by chooches like Peter King where he's all: 'that's not the only connection between these two franchises.  Turns out that Byron Rando, the former equipment manager with the Steelers, was lured away when Ken Wisenhunt took the job in Arizona.  This game means a lot to him.'

Seriously, check it: 

http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2009/writers/peter_king/01/25/walkup/index.html

Weird.  How is that possible?  Oh, you mean in a small league where there is a personnel carousel, a former coach or player could go up against his former team in the Superbowl?  So the league with no imagination that only hires from a selective and exhaustive pool has some overlap?  I don't believe you sir!

Anyway, we feel like this matchup, for the biggest prize in American pro sport, has no buzz.  Let's look at some other matchups for the big prize that had as little (or less) hype.

-Super Bowl XL: This 2006 symphony of boredom featured Pittsburgh beating Seattle in one of the 37 most untight games ever played.  It was like watching 4 estranged brothers play pee-knuckle.  Pittsburgh won but we all lost.

-2002 World Series:

 

Hard to live up to the drama of the 2001 Fall Classic.  So, in a smart move, the 2002 Series went the opposite extreme and no one in the entire world cared at all.  Who played in it?  Can you remember without looking it up?  We could because we're dorks.  San Francisco lost to the Anaheim Angles in 7.  It was actually a good series.  Tens of people on the west coast were riveted.  

1994 World Cup USA vs Brazil in Round 2: The US made it through group play for the first time since John Adams was president.  In 1990, the squad had a great showing when it went 0-3, we didn't qualify for the WC in 1986, before that... we're not talking about before that.  This was huge for US soccer.  Huge.  The game was played on JULY 4th in America!  Somehow, no one cared.  We were so hyped for this and no one else we knew even watched it on tv.  There were like 19 Americans in the stands... which was a nice break from the 30,000 Brazilians.  Even after some punk got a red card for elbowing Tab Ramos' head, it was a boring 1-0 game.  Weird.

1988 Presidential Election: We did a whole thing on this in school.  We were all so excited for this thing to be a nail-biter.  Neck and neck, they traded barbs like slap-boxers at recess.  The night of, we assembled at the home of one of the parents and watched in horror as the tv men calmly explained to us that it was already over and Dukakis was sipping soup broth by 5PM.  We thought it was this epic battle.  It was really close... until they started counting the votes.  426-111 in electoral votes.  Great talk.

-Every boxing match since Mike Tyson lost to Lennox Lewis in 2002: Who is the heavyweaight champ?  How many different boxing organizations are there?  Since the Victorian Freak Show lost to Lewis and had that bizarre post-fight gratefulness episode, boxing has been creeping along on its way to a lonely grave. 

   UFC, no charismatic heavyweights, perceived corruption/chaos with the myriad boxing organizations, and the unwillingness to change the 'pay-per-view' model have all led to boxing's demise.  Championship bouts now get less attention than new episodes of CBS sitcoms.  

-2004 Sugar Bowl: LSU beat Oklahoma.  This game was all awkward because USC should have been in the game and everyone knew it.  It was hyped but every time it was hyped it was like, 'but also USC... so...'.  It was like you have Lucy Pinder at a photoshoot next door to a photoshoot of Keeley Hazel but are only allowed to hype the Lucy Pinder shoot.  Is it not like that?  Whatever.

                                                   

Back to Bamas

The other day, someone goes, 'you need to get back to doing bamas posts.  It's your bread and butter.  Taking those punk b*tches down a notch or two is good for everyone.'  Mom was right.  It's on.

This week's bama is Josh Childress.

Oooooh, is this a new trend for NBA players?  Taking money overseas?  Wow, what an innovative move!  Incredible that Josh Childress and his people had the foresight to make this happen!  Will this start a flood of talent going overseas?

No.

It's good for this dude that he got 20 mil to be an average player over in Greece.  Can't fault him for that.  The reasons he is a bama are as follows:

-His dumb hair.  We hate it when nerdy black dudes have Menace to Society Hair.  You went to Stanford you nerd.  You are a soft nerd with no real game.  The fro is bamafied unless you have A) been in prison, B) recorded a tight rap album that will still be tight in 15 years, C) are the fun black dude that always knows where the party is.  This is not Josh Childress.

-His non-game.  Here are some of the tight 3s out there: Lebron, Caron Butler, Danny Granger, Kevin Durant, Carmelo, Paul Pierce, Josh Howard.  Josh Childress fits with this group like the angry, protesting, lesbiany chick fits in at a model party.  You're too small to be a 4, but at least you can't score.

-The fact that this move spawned all sorts of absurd discussions about actual tight NBA players going to Europe.  The whole 'will Kobe go play somewhere?' thing was annoying like local tv ads.

-The fact that he isn't even dominating his JV Euro experience.  Listen bruh, at least be in the top half league wide.  What's that?  You are averaging 13 and 3 in THE GREEK LEAGUE?  You put up 9 and 5 in the Euroleague?  Jump back.  Our apologies.  At least he's out now with a 'sports hernia' which we believe is the equivalent of having a bruised ego.  Note: we are not doctors.

-Last, he was on the cover of ESPN College Hoops 2K5.  This confirms several things.  1st, the 2k series of video games are dumb.  2nd, Was Erik Barkely not available?  3rd, college basketball games are not tight.  4th, Josh Childress stands for inferior products.

So there you have it.  Thanks Josh Childress.  Thanks a lot you Greek bamapolis.

Join the Cardinals Bandwagon!

The Letdowns

We saw Gran Torino yesterday.  It is just terrible.  We have no idea how anyone could be giving this piece of soiled undies a positive review.  We can only assume that every reviewer follows the flock and wants to be the most effusive to kiss the buttocks of Clint Eastwood.  It's fashionable to sweat his films like gym socks (just like it's fashionable to hate on George Lucas, Michael Bay etc).  Here's the thing, we like CE.  We were hyped to see this thing and left feeling like we got duped like the time the older bully in our neighborhood convinced us to trade an original Optimus Prime for 4 1st series Garbage Pail Kids (Mean Gene, Ray Decay, Large Marge, and Up Chuck).

This led us to think about how many sports disappointments there have been this and how many movies they remind us of... because of the letdown.

The New York Giants - Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines.  Way to dominate that home game #1 seed.  We looked forward to T3 like it was no one's business.  T1 and 2 are pantheon.  T3 is a loud fart at a dinner party; the wind of which guides Eli Manning.org's backfoot fluttering passes into the arms of waiting defenders.  'I'll take 'Ordinary Without Plaxico for 100'.  Is it any wonder that T3 sucked without Edward Furlong, the 'Plax of the Terminator series'?

The Tennessee Titans - Eragon.  You didn't really think this squad was going to do it right?  But you held out some hope they would get it right.  After all, the book (regular season) was so impressive, how could they not bring it on the big stage?  Even with Jeremy Irons, John Malkovich, and Djimon Hounsou, this movie felt like being lied to by your wife.  Eragon under-used Hounsou like the Titans under-used Vincent Young.

The Dallas Cowboys - Righteous Kill.  So much talent!  So much talent!  Pacino! Deniro! Dennehy!  Wahlberg!  Leguizamo!  Did anyone see this movie?  We didn't.  But we did watch the Cowboys eat a turdburger.  5 stars!

The New York Mets - Star Wars: The Clone Wars.  'Called strike 3.  Delgado (Skywalker) just frozen on the breaking ball.  So that's all from Atlanta and the Mets drop ANOTHER one to the Braves.  Their lead in the division (Star Wars fans) has shrunk to 2 games (fans).

Freddy Adu - Alexander.  The savior of the MLS.  The future of USA soccer.  The youngest king to rule the world.  All we got was a bench player for DC United and Jared Leto screaming 'Alexzonder' at a teary Colin Farrell.  Both of these items are letdowns due to mismanagement.  So annoying.

Brett Favre - 3 Ninjas Kick Back.  Haha kidding.  We knew both these things would be terrible.  'Hi, I'm a selfish egomaniac who throws big interceptions. Eli Manning has a superbowl because I threw an unforgivable pick to go along with my other unforgivable picks.  I don't want to make a decision on my future now, I'll keep a cloud of doubt over the organization so that it becomes a distraction for everyone involved.  I think I've earned that right to hold any team hostage.  Forget everyone else in the building, this thing is about me.' - Evan Bonifant (Tum Tum)

The Baseball Hall of Fame Voters: W.  You had the chance to do something great and you blew it like Don Deckinger.  One of the worst things to happen to sportswriting over the last 15 years or so is the increased power of the New England journalists.  The 'no one listens to us' that mirrored the 'woe is us' BS from fans has morphed into a Sauron-esque hold on the minds of the men that cover the game.  It's how you get things like Dustin Pedroia as MVP (wasn't even the MVP of his team.  Youklis played 3 different positions without missing a beat (any idea how hard it is to go from 1st base and the OF and take balls off the chest at 3B?  Of course you don't sportswriter puke who never played), drove in tons of runs while Papi was down and out, and had better #s everywhere: OPS, OB%, Runs created (206-201)).  It's also how you get BS like Jim Rice getting into the Hall while Mark McGwire, Andre Dawson, and Bert Blyleven sit on the sidelines.  I don't care if you think/know Mac cheated.  You don't get to legislate after the fact.  He was allowed to play and your little personal stand is embarrassing.  The same way that Oliver Stone's little stand was embarrassing.

The Washington Wizards - Spider-Man 3.  We'll just run the same group out there that made the playoffs the last few years and be fine... AWK-WARD!

Those are our letdowns.  Who's got more?