Gus Johnson's Whisper

Skins 2010 Week1

2010-09-14T21:27:00.000-07:00

Answering Phones For Dan Snyder Sucks

2009-12-02T19:54:00.000-08:00

The new hotness is here.

Week 10... Faithfully

2009-11-20T12:44:00.000-08:00

A taped on beard at a circus side show...

Week 9 and Communist Russia

2009-11-12T12:29:00.000-08:00

This video is most honorable!

Redskins Public Service Announcement

2009-11-03T15:15:00.000-08:00

Please help. Do it because it's right...

Shame and the Sherms

2009-10-23T09:00:00.000-07:00

Redskins Week 6. Giddyup:

Join Redskins Anonymous

2009-10-19T12:27:00.000-07:00

The Best thing we have ever accomplished:

Week 3

2009-10-01T19:36:00.000-07:00

Skins lose to Detroit. Delivery of poop burgers for everyone.

Redskins Week 2 Video

2009-09-23T20:12:00.001-07:00

Week 2. Same as the old boss.

Redskins Week 1 Video

2009-09-19T14:29:00.000-07:00

Please view it a minimum of 100 times.

2009-09-18T11:44:00.000-07:00

Ummmmmm.... Incredible. Give a listen and a watching but do it at the same time. God bless the interwebs!

We're Back!

2009-09-09T13:22:00.000-07:00

It's been too long friends and readers and other people that search for things online and are randomly taken here. It's mostly our fault and here at Gus Johnson's Whisper, we promise anew to bring you things to read and comment on.

Here's some stuff on our minds:

-The Oregon Ducks getting all punchy at Boise State.

Look, we played sports at a pretty high level for a lot of years. We have argued, seemingly to no one, that teams should not interact after the game ends. We're a big believer in shaking hands before the game. Once the game starts, we are not your friend. Asking a young man to 'shut it off', especially in a sport that requires as much aggression as football, is a much harder task that non-athletic media members realize. Players should shake hands before the game and then retire to separate quarters. We're amazed there aren't more of these incidents in sports. 'WTF do you mean good game? You beat me and now I have to look at you and shake your hand and pretend it isn't eating at my soul?'

We learned our lesson the hard way when, after a regional game as a 14 year old, a 15 year old from Macon, GA punched our mouth after we told him 'great game' (we won 13-2). Pre-game shake people.

-Football is back.

We said football, but really meant absurdly large breasts... no, we meant football. Here's our quick hitting NFL preview so that you won't have to waste the next 26 weeks:

NFC Playoff teams: Giants, Eagles, Carolina, Minnesota, Green Bay, Seattle.

NFC Championship Game: Eagles/Green Bay - Eagles Win (we throw up on repeat)

AFC Playoff teams: New England, Indianapolis, San Diego, Pittsburgh, Baltimore, Tennessee

AFC Championship Game: New England/Baltimore - Baltimore Win

Superbowl: Eagles/Ravens - Ravens win and a crisis is averted.

-MLB Pennant Races

The Yankees are running away with the division. Their playoff rotation seems solid (Sabathia, Burnett, and Petite) but there are still some questions. They don't seem to know what to do about a 4th and 5th starter. No one notices because they score 46 runs per game right now but that's not how the playoffs go. Seems to us, the best chance they have to win this year is to make Joba the Hutt a reliever again. We think that's the secret behind the 3 inning performances of late. He turns into a weapon in a series. You can use him for 2-3 innings to get to Riviera. It shortens the game and he can just go out and pitch instead of trying to economize and pace himself. Who knows if that's what they do, but it's what we would do if we actually wanted to win the World Series.

The Angels and Tigers are both a little bit nasty but also flawed right now. Who knows who gets hot? (Cardinals '06 for example)but right now, we'd be nervous both as fans of these squads or as fans opposing them.

Short series with Detroit? It's cold and I have to see Verlander and Jackson twice? You might also get one of those 'rookie with huge sack' outings from Rick Porcello. Then again, you can pitch to most of their bats. Bunch of strikeout guys and spare parts around Miguel Cabrera so their offense is as scary as a Lifetime movie.

The Angels have a complete lineup that wears pitching down. The whole lineup is above .300 and they can all do it against good pitching because they don't muscle up. Their problem? What pitchers scare you? Lackey and Weaver are not the kind of power arms that usually rule the post season. After that? We went 2/2 vs Joe Saunders and hit a line drive so hard, he hurt his neck spinning around (no he didn't).

In the NL, Philly looks old all of a sudden don't they? Rollins isn't the same and Ibanez realized that he is, in fact, Raul Ibanez and stopped the fantasy ruining nonsense. The Dodgers have a different lineup every day and their pitching is kind of breaking down. The Cards look great but that's just it. When was the last time the team that was 'supposed to' won the NL? It's always a wild card team or some forgotten division winner. Go back and look. The Cards are complete but you still see a weakness or 2 in there (bullpen has been a little shaky of late, someone between Ankiel/Duncan/Rasmus/DeRosa has to hit).

Still, the prediction is...

Yankees vs Cardinals - Yanks win. Annoying.

More to come.

Bill Cosby on the Radio

2009-08-05T10:09:00.000-07:00

We think it's funny. We bet you will too.

Top This!

2009-06-19T12:57:00.001-07:00

We cannot believe how amazing this video is. Absolute genius in a time of non genius. Enjoy.

USA World Cup Qualifier Running Diary

2009-06-03T20:05:00.000-07:00

The US hasn't won in Costa Rica since... ever. They don't win there. That bodes well.

Giddyup

10PM - GJW is in his underwear. Mrs. GJW is out of town.

10 PM and 4 seconds: Costa Rica has already scored. It was off a terrible touch by Demarcus Beasley. It's time to recognize that Beasley plays soccer like he hates the soccer ball. He is fast. That's cool. But that guy kills us. The experiment needs to end.

10:05 - John Harkes is doing the color with John Paul Delcamera. JPD has called every soccer game that we can remember. John Harkes is like a judge on a fashion show.

10:10 - The US defense looks atrocious. Costa Rica just scored again. This time the Marvel Wynne/Mastroeni side was at fault. Wow. It's only World Cup qualifying. Way to bring your A game and then leave it in the hotel.

10:16 - Is it a rule that Latin American countries have to play games on sh*tty fields? This field looks like the kind of green carpet over asphalt they put down for awkward sales at stadium armories.

10:18 - Is it also a rule that every Costa Rican player has to have aggressively sweaty and matted down hair?

10:22 - The US hates offense.

10:26 - The US is possessing the ball a lot in the midfield. Harkes and JPD are bantering about a questionable call in a recent MLS matchup. We'll defer to them because we somehow missed it.

10:30 - Beasley, Mastroeni, Wynne, and Dempsey are not good. That hurts a team's chances.

10:33 - Costa Rica has 3 goals on 2 shots on goal. The US does not have a shot on goal or a corner kick. It's about strategy.

10:36 - Harkes reminds us that the US is without Frankie Hejduk. If you need Frankie Hejduk, you're not the 14th best soccer team in the world.

10:37 - On cue, Harkes says he doesn't buy the world rankings from FIFA. We are forced to agree. The US is 14th which means that according to the governing body of soccer, there are only 13 teams better. Watch us name 13 off the top of our head: Argentina, Brazil, Portugal, Spain, The Netherlands, France, Germany, Italy, England, Russia, Czech Republic, Turkey, and Greece. There have to be some more teams besides them right?

10:42: The ball is bouncing all over the place and the US just got their first shot but it was not on net. The US hasn't scored in this country since the year 2000. We went through some slumps too... but those were like a couple months.

10:43 - Why does it always look like the other team always has 3 more players on the field when they play the US in soccer? That's the thing that always makes us anxious when we watch the US; they look outnumbered on both sides of the field.

10:45 - There will be 1 minute of stoppage time. This is one of the 4 reasons why soccer will never really catch on in the US; there was way more than 1 minute of 'non-play'. Just stop the clock and get rid of the extra layer of subjectivity. Stoppage time is just another way for the referee to feel important.

10:46 - Halftime. 2-0 Costa Rica. Hey Landon, where's my bag? I left it right here... I packed it up before the game started and now I can't find it...

11:00 - 2nd half adjustments... none. The US throws in a guy that plays in the MLS. US soccer is in trouble. We mean it. Not just this game, which is bad, but in general. Here's what happens:

- Some guys play in the MLS. This league doesn't resemble anything like the better leagues around the world. It's choppy and gross. This doesn't help guys get better.

- The guys that play in the good leagues in Europe sit on the bench for months at a time. This doesn't help them get better.

- The MLS guys all want to get European deals. Again, not good.

11:15 - The US still doesn't have a shot on goal. Jozy Altidore, the team's best scorer looks rusty. He hasn't played in months or something. He looks awkward like a chick in football pads.

11:25 - We just checked to see what was up with Randy Johnson. Game is a rainout.

11:30 - Again, banter about the MLS. It's not gonna happen JPD. We are not going to tune in to see the Metro Stars and/or New England Revolution.

11:32 - Marvel Wynne should never be allowed to play again.

11:34 - The entire US team stands still and watches the 3rd goal. Everyone looks tired. The amount of space the guy had to work with was like the ball was radioactive. Embarrassing.

11:36 - 3-0. What a gong show. Harkes is upset. Like really upset. 'Get these designs out of here!'

11:38 - They keep saying that Tim Howard never had a chance on any of those goals. Sure he did. He was 10 yards off his line on the 1st goal. It was a great shot but he could have saved it if he was in position. He anticipated a cross. Whatevs.

11:44 - Harkes was comparing this team to some of the past years of US soccer. He makes it sound like the 'old guys' were warriors. Umm broseph? You guys went 0-3 in 1990. We remember that because we were excited about it. Your squad was the dinner party fart.

And yes, that is a picture of Toto Schillacci from the 1990 World Cup.

11:46 - Here is reason #2 why soccer will never really catch on in the US. A CR player pretended to get hit in the junk and rolled around hoping to get a card on the offending US player. Several points here:

- US fans hate flops. That's why everyone who didn't go to Duke hates Duke basketball.

-The 'card' is such a big deal. In other sports, penalties are more in proportion with the way the game is played. 6 fouls, 5 (or 15) yards, 2 minutes etc. 1 yellow is huge. A player that gets a yellow cannot play aggressively at all for fear of a 2nd card. 2 yellows means an ejection. 2 straight games with a yellow means you are suspended for the following game! Imagine that: Orlando Pace committed holding penalties in 2 straight games so he will sit out week 3.

- There are too few officials. The game happens so fast and any insinuation that you need more people to cover the action is treated like an insult against refs. The fact is, players get rewarded for taking dives (Italy won the world cup this way).

11:48 Freddy Adu looks decent. How did that go so wrong? You've got to play that kid. He's 20 and we get that he isn't going to save the world but you need him. You need the symbol that kids can follow so they want to play the game and play it in the US.

11:54: Penalty shot. Donovan scores. 3-1. Too little too late.

12:00 - Yuck. 3-1. Just a butt salad.

Honduras on Saturday. Hopefully, they bounce back like the 14th best team in the world should.

The Rise and Fall of Cities

2009-05-22T13:43:00.000-07:00

Sports are built on cycles. The seasons, the ups and downs, dominance and rebuilding, and steroid cycles also...

Lots of cities have gone through really sucky periods in their sports history. Being in a losing city is like getting punched by a boxer in the stomach when you least expect it every day. Since no one watches boxing anymore, we'll go through each city's 'downtime' and give you a boxer.

Washington, DC: Bernard Hopkins.

It's happening right now people. We are DC guys and it sucks to be a fan of DC sports these days. We picked Hopkins because he is annoying strategist kind of fighter that might hit you in the nutsos when the official has his head turned. The Caps just lost to the Pittsburgh Voldemorts, the Nationals spent $9 on their payroll and their pitching would not win prizes at fairgrounds where you have to knock things over with a ball, the Wizards just got a Superfly Snooka Elbow with the 5th pick in the draft and are locked into the same perennial 6 seed roster for the next several years... and the Redskins... ugh. At least the ownership doesn't get it. Every offseason there is a yardsale and a gongshow outside Redskins Park. Trading Campbell, the Cutler shabingus, the Haynesworth contract, and the general unwillingness to actually build a team through the draft like... ALL THE OTHER SUCCESSFUL TEAMS EVER.

Philadelphia: George Foreman.

This is the angry George Foreman who used to be a baddass and punched really hard. Before the Phillies title last year, the went 25 years without a major sports title and just a few whiffs of success. For us, we like it when they don't get stuff because we hate that city like we hate tapas. Order your own food bruh. We're gonna order what we want and no I don't want to share your kelp. Think about Vinny Derucci with his McNabb jersey leaving the Vet after a playoff collapse. That's a George Forman 1973 gut punch.

Cleveland: Mike Tyson.

Now, this is Cleveland's entire sports history before Lebron. Now, a pro sports title is plausible as long as he's in town and allowed to travel in crunch time and have anyone that fouls him fined by the league. But before Lebron (BL)? They were famous for 'being on the court/field while another team had a great moment'. From Ehlo to Renteria, these fans were getting Mike Tyson in his prime drilled in the gut. Also, Cleveland is in Cleveland.

Seattle: Mohammed Ali.

They LOST A BASKETBALL TEAM! The Mariners have 1 meaningful playoff series win in their history (that great series vs the Yankees when Jr. scored from first on Edgar's double). This town of angst is getting punched all the time from all different angles like Ali used to drop on his opponents. Why does the side of my face hurt? Who hit me? Who hit me just then and where is my tooth?

Detroit: The Angry Mob in the movie Police Academy.

0-16, the Pistons wilting, the Tigers kind of treading water. Things are not awesome in Rock City these days. We actually saw an ad on tv with Kid Rock trying to get people to come to Detroit. That's like having one of those prostitutes from that HBO show about prostitutes in Atlantic City trying to get you to visit Atlantic City and to bring your whole family.

Kansas City: Ricardo Mayorga.

No one talks about him and he is nasty. He is like a quiet assassin. Similarly, no one talks about how crappy it is a Kansas City fan. The Royals were good almost 30 years ago. They are now a glorified developmental program for future stars. They're off to a nice start this year. How many of you out there see that lasting? They are one Grienke anxiety attack away from winning 9 games the rest of the year. The fans are getting punched in the tummy everyday with their 2nd class citizenship. No other teams to root for either. It's a... what's that? The Chiefs are still there? Really? You just don't hear about them for so long... well anyway, the Chiefs suck too.

Oakland: Evander Holyfield.

Evander was one of the hardest working men ever. And Oakland works hard to tag their fans with speed bag punches to the bread basket. For all the 'Moneyball' hype, the As never won squat. They have made a huge number of terrible deals for prospects that have worked out like a turd sandwhich social. And the Raiders? How about the worst owner in pro sports outworking every other owner to shaft the fans of a once storied franchise?

There you have it, the fans of these cities are or were getting gut punched on the regular. Sucks to be a fan these days.

AL Baseball Bands

2009-04-20T15:32:00.000-07:00

Here's an MLB preview after more than a week of games. It's how Gus Johnson's Whisper rolls. AL teams as bands:

AL EAST:

Tampa Bay Rays: The Killers. This band was all the rage. They took the world by storm and were in everyone's Ipod rotation. Then, all of a sudden, everyone was bored with them. Young talent! Maybe they overachieved last year, maybe you shouldn't need Jason Bartlett to hit .381, and maybe karma punches your shins because you kept David Price in the minors to avoid paying him money... whatever.

New York Yankees: The Rolling Stones. You have to pay what for a ticket????? Lot of name recognition, just hard to justify the price tag. The SS Sabathia should be striking dudes out on 2 pitches for that kind of money.

Boston Red Sox: The Grateful Dead. The most annoying fans in the world and a band that really isn't that good. Ortiz has a lot of Jerry parallels and their pitching (after a healthy Beckett) scares no one. 'No man, this bootleg is awesome... they go from Magnolia back into John's Cabin back into Ophelia and then into Trucking'. Translation: Pedroia is annoying because of the dumb way he wears his hat.

Toronto Blue Jays: Arcade Fire. Only the awkwardly hardcore fans know about them. Then, these hardcore fans are so over the top about how good they are, the group somehow becomes overrated. Aaron Hill!!!!!!

Baltimore Orioles: The Mickey Mouse Club. There are some stars in the room... you just have to wait until they grow up.

AL Central

Cleveland Indians: The guys that sung that song about walking 1000 miles and then walking another 1000 miles after that so they ended up walking over 2000 miles and have terrible pitching.

Detroit Tigers: Rage Against the Machine. Loud and with something to say. You can't ignore them and Jim Leyland smokes cigarettes.

Kansas City Royals: Bare Naked Ladies. 'I just made you say underwear.'

Minnesota Twins: Creedence Clearwater Revival. They did more with less (3 guys) and they kept it simple. The Twins are gonna pitch, play D, and bunt/hit and run and CCR is gonna kep getting royalties off of Chronicle.

Chicago White Sox: The Clash. A truly nasty band that no one talks about because they are not the first group people think of when they think about their home (London and Chicago). All they do is make good music and rip mediocre pitching.

AL West:

Seattle Mariners: Stone Temple Pilots. A bit obvious but not why you think judgmental jim. It's because the hot start won't translate for the whole season. That's why.

Los Angeles Angels: Jackson Browne. It's because they're 'Running on Empty'. Vlad is 1000 years old in June, pitchers are dropping like heavy objects, and they don't really scare you on offense anymore.

Texas Rangers: Megadeath. They can swing it which is the equivalent of playing really loudly. They pitch like we crochet.

Oakland Athletics: Creed. Would you buy a ticket to see this group? Ladies and gentlemen, it's Dana Eveland and Travis Buck! Can you taaaaaaaaaaake me hiiiiiiii-yer.

We'll rock the NL later this week.

The MVP

2009-04-17T10:55:00.000-07:00

One thing that Gus Johnson's Whisper hates (and by extension, we assume that Gus Johnson must hate as well) is how the NBA MVP is decided. Not so much the voting process, because that is as equitable as the process can be, but rather the 'pack mentality' that develops. It's an interesting phenomenon. At some point during the season, enough analysts, tv personalities, columnists and the like declare '______ is the MVP hands down'. As soon as that tipping point occurs, all the voters rush to line up and cast their ballots for the 'hands down MVP'.

The most glaring example of this occurred last year (repeating this year with Lebron) with Kobe Bryant. Now, Kobe was outstanding last year; this is not up for debate. But, what GJW believes is that the key word in the award is 'Valuable'. The Lakers were a very good team last year (made it to the finals). Do they do that without Kobe? No. But, are they good enough to be a playoff team if you put an average NBA 2 in his place? Absolutely. Especially after the Gasol heist.

2 players last year deserved the NBA MVP more than Kobe Bryant: Lebron James and Chris Paul.

Take either of those 2 guys off their teams, and not only do they not go to the playoffs, but they are in danger of winning the lottery. I won't go into a John Hollinger breakdown as that is not why you are reading. Just know that the same thing happened the year before when Dirk Nowitzki won the award with a season that was not his statistical best (fewer rebounds, pts, blocks, FT attempted per game, steals and somehow, he had a 'transcendent' season.). The award for the '06-'07 year should have gone to either Steve or Kobe Bryant. We could go on and on about this. Email us if you want a further dialogue.

This year's MVP will be Lebron James.

We've past the tipping point and now, much like critics of global warming, any contrarian is shouted down. Lebron is certainly a fine choice as he is the linchpin on the best team in the East and a legit title contender. But again, Valuable is the key word.

Lebron's per game #s of 28.4 pts, 7.6 boards, 7.5 assists, 1.7 steals and 1.2 blocks are incredible. Especially when you consider that he sat out a lot of 4th quarters or large portions of games because his team was rolling. Know what else was incredible? His #s last year. 30 points, 7.9 boards, 7.2 assists, 1.8 steals and 1.1 blocks. Weird. Those numbers look really similar to us. But again, we've had that tipping point occur where there is no doubt in a voter's mind that this year is somehow more special than a better statistical effort from a year ago. The hype has gotten so out of control that Lebron is now being mentioned for the All-Defensive Team. The .1 more blocks per game really were that noticeable?

Cleveland has the exact same team from last year with the exception of Mo Williams. The only possible explanation is that Lebron has a 'special year'. The guy was just as special last year.

As for this season, the MVP should be Dwayne Wade.

Think about Miami's squad. Lottery team last year with Wade hurt. It happened. They were epic bad. This year, a rotating cast of dung surrounded Wade. Literally, without him, this team might have won 10 games. With defenses keying only on him, with no one else capable of getting to the basket to create space, with no post scoring, with a clueless rookie coach, and every other factor working against him, he did this:

30.2, 5 boards, 7.5 assists, 2.2 steals, 1.7 blocks. Give him the Cavs group of shooters, he gets 9 assists per. It's hard to get an assist when you are kicking it out to Joel Anthony.

Again, look at those defensive numbers. 4 blocks and steals per game from a 2 guard. Yet, no All-Defensive mention. He'll finish a distant 2nd in the voting which is OK because it means that he might get a make-up MVP at someone else's expense. We guess that's the pattern, you don't earn the MVP the year you should, you get delayed a year or 2 and earn the right hype.

The April Bama

2009-04-10T12:24:00.000-07:00

Josh McDaniels. What a bama. Amazing. We're sure this dude knows offense pretty well and we get it, he's a young gun in a league desperate for some legit coaching talent. Let's go deeper as to why this chooch is a bama of the highest order.

-Is Brian Billick a great offensive mind? Everyone thought so when he coached the offense that (at the time) set the record for points in a season. 2 hall of fame receivers (1, the greatest deep threat ever and the other a 1st down machine), a great O-line, good running backs and a great veteran QB... we could look like a genius too. This is the same sustenad who made first downs look like 11 homeless guys rubbing wet sticks together in the rain when he coached in Baltimore. See our point? Hand a guy Tom Brady, that same greatest deep receiver ever, an incredible O-line and good running backs, and a 1st down making underneath guy... weird that his offense was good.

-The Bill Belichick coaching tree sucks like the dude who asks you what you do for a living in the 1st 30 seconds of a conversation. Wanna know who's successful? Nick Saban as a college coach. That's it and that's all.

Here come the rest of the chooch parade:

-Romeo Crennel: One of the 14 worst NFL head coaches we can name. Makes clock management look like splitting the atom with a pair of reeboks on your hands.

-Charlie Weis: Fat guy in a little coat

-Eric Mangini: Remember the time he didn't deserve his nickname? That's always.

-Al Groh (UVA): He recruits like he hates recruits

-Pat Hill (Fresno Sate): Remember when Reggie Bush had 500 total yards in a game? It was against Fresno State.

-Kirk Ferentz: After Ohio State, Michigan, Penn State, Michigan State, Wisconsin, and Purdue, they're the best team in the Big 10!

-Jim Schwartz: The new Detroit Lions coach. We'll see.

Why would anyone anoint a BB underling as next?

-You can tell that this enormous bama believes every word about him. What got lost in all of the Cutler gong show, was the fact that the new coach, alienated the franchise QB. The Broncos GM, had Cutler signed long term as the center of the team. They were going to build around him and have an outstanding young group of offensive players (Brandon Marshall, Eddie Royal, Ryan Clady, Ryan Harris). This was a young team on the way up. A great offense and a D that clearly needed to improve. Here comes the new coach... and he starts making pee pee on the center of it all. Players win games. Even though Cutler is a punk, he was still under contract. Part of coaching is figuring out how to get the most out of your players. Trading them for Kyle Orton is not getting the most out of a guy who threw for 4500 yards and 26TDs as a 25 year old.

-He rocks the same kind of gear as Belichick. This is now hacky. I dress down! Look at me! Hooded sweatshirt, I'm so one of the guys. Accept me! Why are you guys all leaving? Come back!

-His dumb short hair. You can tell it's one of those 'I don't have time for hair maintenance!' haircuts. You're not that important bruh.

-He went to John Carroll University and is the type of dude that sportswriters who sucked at sports always write about because bamas like McDaniels got overlooked and carved out careers for themselves and blah blah blah. Listen, sometimes guys develop late. Sometimes, guys weren't that good coming out of high school. When a small school guy makes it, there should be a ban on ball washing puff pieces from dumb columnists.

Congrats to Josh McDaniels. A true bama for the ages.

Throwdown

2009-03-31T11:00:00.000-07:00

TWO strikes back!

Give it a read. We'll wait.

Welcome back. Now, once your done with the snarky and condescending prose, the links to unrelated material, and the complicated web of deflection, it boils down to this:

TWO prefers upsets by teams that are not normally in the spotlight.

Nothing wrong with this. It's just that it means you cannot win an argument.

Here lies our response which we smacked TWO with across the cheek:

You could have condensed that to: 'I prefer upsets. And because I assume that my opinion speaks for everyone, 'everyone prefers upsets'. Not so much a logical progression as a 'this is what I like'. You prefer little schools to have chances because they are unkown, we prefer the best 64 teams judged on a yearly basis. You prefer a circus sideshow of teams that no one has heard of, we calmly analyze the situation on a yearly basis. You have a kneejerk reaction to include a small school no matter what, we LOVE facts and judging cases based on facts.

Just for your review:

-The top of college hoops is as good or better than it has been in years

-The effects of this includes teams like Maryland competing against the top teams (they played 3 teams that were at one point ranked #1 in the country and beat 2 final four teams) regularly. There is a trickle down when the Big Conferences are dominant.

-Your point against us of 'if the big schools get more chances, of course they'll have more teams' is the same point we made about Boppers. They typically perform in a similar way to big schools (read unpredictable) so automatically giving them bids in some kind of bizarre affirmative bid action cannot be defended beyond your personal preference.

-This year was a special case with upsets in conference tournaments stealing bids and the dominance at the top of the college game.

Thanks! GJW

No Mid Majors? No Problem.

2009-03-30T06:40:00.000-07:00

There have been many who were so upset at this year's selection committee for not including a healthy dose of mid-majors. Writers like Michael Wilbon (he won't ever admit he was wrong about this or anything btw) wrote pieces like this one: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/03/17/AR2009031703221.html

They slammed the selection committee for not giving more at large bids to 'mid-majors' instead of the usual fare from power conferences. They argued that the selection committee tried to turn the magic of march madness into the shabingus of the BCS. These arguments, in other years, might hold water but not this year. This year, college hoops is deep and heavy at the top. Let's get closer and learn about each other:

-The term 'mid-major' is misleading. There are major conferences: The Big East, ACC, SEC, Big 10, Big 12 and the Pac 10. Then there are a couple conferences with a a few good teams at the top and garbage everywhere else: Conference USA, Atlantic 10 (Teams like Memphis and Xavier compete with anyone). After that, it's piss ant conferences. There is nothing 'mid' about them at all. They are the bottom. Nothing wrong with that, it's just what it is. Take a school like Davidson, they typically go undefeated in their conference (this year was the exception because their 1 player was hurt) because they are solid and their conference is awful. If they don't win their conference tournament, they don't get in (right or wrong), this means they are a member of a small, non-power, non-major, non middle-tier, bottom-dwelling conference.

-Let's call them what they are. We'll make up a term right here... 'Bottom Toppers... Boppers.' These teams are Boppers. Ok, so Boppers have had success in recent tournaments: Davidson, George Mason, and to a lesser degree: Butler, Utah State, Western Kentucky, Southern Illinois, and so on. Boppers can jump up and compete with the 'big boys' in years when the big boys are down. Lots of things have lead to years like this: Players leaving early for the pros or going directly from high school, a broader talent pool that is evenly spread thanks to AAU and players getting more chances to play, and a lack of elite talent at the top schools. So, in years where the overall level of college basketball is down below a certain level, a school like George Mason can make some 3s, their opponents can get tight and they can win some games and fire dookies right into Billy Packer's face.

-That's not what we had this year. This year in college hoops, the big boys were really, really good. The power conferences deserved every bid they got. Let's learn some more:

Sweet 16: 5 Big East teams, 2 Big 10, 3 Big XII, 2 ACC, and then Memphis, Gonzaga, Arizona, and Xavier. 0 Boppers.

Final 8: 4 Big East teams, 2 Big XII, 1 Big 10, 1 ACC. 0 Boppers

You get the point.

-The response here is something like: 'the Boppers didn't get a chance, so we don't know how they would have done.' There is some truth to that, they didn't get a chance, but we have a pretty good idea of what would have happened.

-Concurrently, this was also a strange year in several conference tournaments. Temple, USC, Mississippi State and some other schools, quite literally, stole spots away from at-large teams. Teams like this, would not have gotten in and when they won their conference tourney's, jumped the que. This forced out some deserving teams.

-Bopper supporters would point to examples of some of the bubble teams that did get in. They will say: '_______ didn't make a run in the tournament. This is proof that their spot should have gone to a Bopper.' This is a poor argument. The implication is that if a Bopper had occupied this spot, they would have performed better. We tend to remember the incredible runs of Davidson and George Mason as the rule, rather than the exceptions they really are.

2008 Sweet 16: 3 Pac 10, 3 Big East, 2 Big 10, 2 Big XII, then Tennessee and UNC. 12 Power Conference teams. Then, Memphis and Xavier, 2 middle conference teams. Lastly, Davidson and Wester Kentucky, both Boppers. Here were some of the other Boppers in the tourney: Drake, Oral Roberts, St. Mary's, Sienna, and Kent St. Of that 2nd group, only Sienna won a game. Let it be noted that the targets of this years 'Big Conference Bias' Maryland, Wisconsin, and Arizona all won at least 1 game. Not an apples to apples comparison, just worth noting is all.

2007 Sweet 16: 3 Pac 10, 3 SEC, 2 Big XII, 2 Big East, UNC, Ohio State so again, 12 teams from Power conferences. Then Memphis from the mids. 3 teams here in the round of 16 were Boppers: Butler, UNLV, and Southern Illinois. All 3 lost for the record.

Other boppers: Creighton, Long Beach State, New Mexico St., Oral Roberts, Davidson, Winthrop and VCU. Winthrop and VCU won their first round games which were the only 2 wins for the whole 2nd crew of Boppers.

2007 showed us that when there are lots more Boppers in the tournament, their results are as inconclusive as any one else's. To assume that a Bopper would perform better in the place of another team absurd. 2006 shows us similar data. Besides George Mason's amazing run, the other Boppers in the tourney performed in the same way .

Now, the purpose of this post is not to endorse the idiotic Billy Packer who famously said that George Mason didn't belong in the tournament.

Far from it. This is to educate the casual fan, or even the passionate fan, who has knee jerk reactions and is frothing at the mouth over the lack of 'mid majors' in this year's tournament. It's to bring some calm to a tenuous situation. The vitriolic frustration over the selection committee's perceived slight of 'the little guy' should instead be seen for what it really is, the acknowledgment of the return to prominence of the 'big guy'. This was not a year for Boppers. These things are cyclical though, their time will come again.

Fin.

The Ultimate Paradox

2009-03-27T12:31:00.000-07:00

This is weird you guys. Gus Johnson, THE Gus Johnson, knows about our blog. He may have even seen the blog. Our hero, the inspiration for our entrance into the blogosphere, the best play by play guy alive, he knows about the blog.

The quick back story. Our boy, The World's Ombudsman, had some great Knicks tickets the other night. Our other buddy is employed by the team (it is not James Dolan and/or Isaiih Thomas), so TWO got to hang out in the tunnel during halftime. It happened to be the game where the team honored Knicks legends (including our favorite childhood player Bernard King). TWO is gazing upon all these legends before they are announced and is quickly introduced to someone... that someone happens to be Gus Johnson.

TWO informs him of our blog. At first, Gus is a bit perplexed by the title. TWO explains that it's in deference to his incredible calls and the energy he brings, reversing the trend of smug sportscasters who are too cool for the huge moments in sports (Joe Buck). They talk for a few minutes, then part ways. Our Knicks buddy may have even shown Gus our blog.

Are we happy about this? What if he didn't like it? What the hell do we do if he doesn't like it? Can you just walk up to your hero and show him the diorama you made for school? What if he's like, 'that doesn't look like me'?

There's no one better than him. We've said it all along. He's the reason we started this blog. Keep doing what you're doing Gus. From all of us at the Gus Johnson's Whisper blog team, thank you for doing what you do.

Tiger Woods Video

2009-03-26T15:45:00.000-07:00

Get on board people:

Running Diary Part II

2009-03-23T11:06:00.000-07:00

Here is the second part of the running diary. All the way through the afternoon games. Gus Johnson's Whisper and The World's Ombudsman. Giddyup:

3:07-Back to Lundquist (VL)and Raftery. We get the Pitt East Tennesee State matchup. Raftery does his ‘mantoman’ thing to start the game. It’s a kind of ‘welcome to the game. I’ll be here’ kind of thing.

3:12-We realize the game we are watching is being played at Dayton. We’re wondering what the reaction is when guys find out they have to go to Dayton to play? It’s probably the same reaction guys have when they find out they’re going to the dentist.

3:13-TWO wonders if anyone from Dayton left something in their home locker room? Whoopie cushion? Turd sandwich? The possibilities are endless.

3:19-ETSU alley oop dunk. Tie game. It looks like Pitt doesn’t like to be pressed. Wonder if anyone else will notice this?

3:28-Raftery tells us that Isaiih Brown of ETSU has lots of ‘bounce to the ounce’. Is that like the formula for slope in geometry?

3:33-Shot of VL and Raftery. VL looks like a white version of ‘Grimace’. He also looks like the end boss at the end of Super Mario Brothers 2 on NES.

3:36-Dayton is up 8 on West Virginia. Looks like we were REALLY wrong about WVU. Unless they win, then we were right.

3:37-ETSU has entered the 5 guys stand around and 1 guy goes 1 on 1 mode. This does not bode well for the first 16 over a 1 upset.

3:43-The discussion of the term ‘mid-major’ leads to believe that said term is overused. It’s being used for any team that makes the tournament. Stephen F Austin is not a mid major. We coin the term ‘Minor’ and move on.

3:46-Pitt continues to struggle with the pressure. They are up 2. How are you feeling about your brackets right now Pitt fans?

3:55-Some more facebook analysis. Female pictures examined. GJW just kind of nods and agrees a lot.

3:57-Pitt has 13 turnovers in the half. ATTENTION! ATTENTION! We don’t handle the press well! Halftime up 1 over East Tennessee State. Make it 3. Basket was no good. Whatever. Ov-er-Ra-ted, duh duh duh duh duh, Ov-er-Ra-ted…

4:01-Spanarkal joke # 19 comes up as CBS switches back to ASU Temple. This joke involves spackle and a swing set. Temple is in the game because of Christmas. Harden continues to be ‘just a guy’. Enjoy him whoever picks him.

4:06-The short white guy on ASU pulls up with a back. We believe this is a flash-forward to his life 25 years later at the local Y.

4:09-Christmas steals the ball from Harden and then outruns him down the other end to draw a foul on a 1 on 2. We feel this is a microcosm. We looked up micrcosm to be sure we were right.

4:12-All things considered, CBS is doing a pretty good job of tossing us to the games that are competitive. We feel this is because Billy Packer is no longer associated with the tournament.

4:17-ETSU 3 to start the half. Tie game. This is way too late for a national champ contender to be tied with a 16 seed.

4:18-TWO goes: ‘Wanna see a video of a leopard attacking someone?’ Yes. Yes we do.

4:20-ETSU misses their 100^th free throw. In the ‘Anatomy of an Upset’, nowhere is it written: ‘The lower seeded team should miss all of its free throws.’ So annoying. This 16 over a 1 thing could be had. It’s right there.

4:28-THE ETSU dude screams ‘GET IT OUT!’ on a block. We rewind this a dozen times. Incredible.

4:30-The Kiss! Another Pitt turnover. ETSU is down 2. They are teasing us.

4:32-TWO breaks down the Wild Wings commercial where the flash photographer sends the game into overtime. Here are the issues he has:

-NYC and Boston fans are acting harmoniously.

-People don’t root for an outcome, rather, for the game to go on indefinitely. This is not how fans watch games.

-All the fans in attendance celebrate when the Boston player crashes into the base of the basket. If this were a real game, people would be rioting.

He is incensed. Let’s move on.

4:39-We’re now 6 minutes behind live TV because of the above paragraph. ETSU continues to miss free throws. They rebound well though.

4:43- VL claims to have had a ‘sports hernia for most of his life.’ No idea how to react to this.

4:48-Previews for ‘Fast & Furious’ air. Baffling. Hollywood really sucks sometimes. This is one of those times.

4:50-Dear everyone, press us and you can win. Signed, Pitt.

4:52-GJW makes the statement: ‘Levance Fields is the new Kalid El-Amin.’ Everyone agrees to this.

4:58-More ETSU missed free throws. Dejaun Blair tips in a miss. Pitt up 5. Blair is unstoppable. Pitt will lose when he gets in foul trouble. They’re just not that good unless he’s on the floor.

5:05-Another TO for Pitt.. 2 pt game. Blair gets an And 1. If ETSU shoots 70% from the foul line, they’re up 7 at this point. As it stands, they don’t have enough.

5:14-Ball game. Stick a fork in ETSU. The shot 50% from the line, and like 29% from the field and they were STILL in the game until the end. The Pitt Panthers everyone!

5:18-Back to Gus Johnson. We were wondering all along how he’s been doing. He didn’t like that West Virginia turned it over. GJ doesn’t like turnovers when you need buckets. Conversely, he loves the Chevrolet Players of the Game.

End of the afternoon games.

Running Diary of Round 1

2009-03-21T13:35:00.000-07:00

On Friday March 20^th, Gus Johnson’s Whisper got together with The World’s Ombudsman to watch the tournament. The following is a running diary.

Running Diary:

1PM-GJW arrives at the TWO’s apt. We eat dumplings. The full meal cost $4. Recession b*tches.

1:10-1:30-We look at facebook pictures.

1:30-CBS gives us Gus Johnson then takes him away. This is a cruel act.

1:31-GJW makes the first joke about Jim Spanarkal (who is partnered with I-an Eagle). One of the jokes involves the word ‘merkel’.

1:33-The OK St./Tenn game comes on because it’s close. Vern Lundquist. Really? This feels like figure skating. This game is a reminder that the Big XII and SEC were really terrible this year.

1:38-We realize that when you watch games online on NCAA.com, you can’t switch games during commercials. We both realize this is smart because that’s exactly what you want to do but it’s also annoying because that’s exactly you want to do.

1:45-Gus Johnson is back. Len Elmore tells us that turnovers are bad for a team with a lead. There was some confusion over this. Settled!

1:46-TWO informs us that he picked North Dakota State to beat Kansas. This is not a good pick, even if they win, it’s still not good. This is like someone bragging about how early they wake up in the morning. You know what? I’m more rested than you because sleep is awesome.

1:48- Gus Johnson is building his excitement. 3 point game with 14 to play. Kansas is nervous. GJ is excited. He can sense that upset. He’s like a lion stalking a herd of gazelle on the African plains.

1:52-NDST makes a bucket. We discuss the white wash and how awkward it is for the one black guy on the bench. What music gets played in the locker room?

1:55-TWO explains the definition of a ‘Cheap 6’. We can’t link to it here but it’s fascinating.

1:56- Gus Johnson compares a SDST player to Steve Nash and accuses him of being ‘A BALLER!’ We love Gus Johnson.

1:58-Applebees Commercial. Who goes to Applebees? Like who says: ‘I need to hit up the Bees right now or I’ll be so angry I could spit’?

2:00-GJ is just carrying Len Elmore right now. LE is reading off stats with the excitement of a librarian on lithium. Why can’t they just pair GJ with Raftery? I guess that makes too much sense.

2:03-GJ makes a joke about Archie Bell. Who in hell is Archie Bell? It’s as awkward as it sounds.

2:04-A BS charge is called against NDST. The charge is ruining basketball. We blame Duke.

2:06-NDST has no answer for Collins or Aldrich. The 3s aren’t falling. Yet, they are only down 5. Ben Woodside. Remember that name. Remember it because you’ll never see him again unless you take a tour of a national park. He’ll be giving the tour.

2:07-GJ has to read a promo for the Mentalist. We’re going to have to watch the show now. That’s how good GJ is, he makes terrible crime dramas on CBS sound serviceable.

2:15-Kansas goes up 10. GJ says they are beginning to ‘stiffen up’ the D. See you later Gus. We’re changing games now.

2:18-Shot of Travis Ford, Oklahoma State’s coach. TWO and GJW discuss how he could pull a great Billy Hoyle routine on an all black court in LA. ‘I may be a chump. Just saying that ain’t my name. I played for Pitino.’

2:20-Verne Lundquist says ‘double bonus’. It sounds like he’s talking about a real estate deal. He fits college hoops like a bear fits into a book club.

2:23-GJW and TWO eat a Clementine. How good are clementines? Why are they not called ‘lil’ oranges’. Or ‘Lornges’?

2:27-OSU calls a timeout. Tie game with 1:30 left. What are they discussing? ‘Hey, listen up! Neither of these teams should be in the tourney. One of us should be St. Mary’s. So get out there and be futile.’

2:29-Raftery uses ‘physicallity’ and ‘whirling derivsh’ in a sentence. Awesome.

2:31-OSU ball down 1, 10 seconds…. AND 1! Wow! Raftery… ‘THE KISS!’ ‘Loungerie on the DECK!’ He’s incredible.

2:33-Quick cut to Marquette icing it against Utah St. If Utah is a state university, why do you need Utah State? Sell the naming rights.

2:34-The color guy on the Marquette game said this: ‘The best case for Utah State here is for Marquette to miss both free throws. The second best case is for him to miss 1.’ We are unsure as to the 3^rd best scenario.

2:36-Tennessee loses. Sad. No more Bruce Pearl. Quick cut to Marquette. Utah State banks in a 3 to go down 2 with 23 left. It’s interesting again. We feel bad for Marquette because they lost a great player on a freak injury. They would have been a much better team. Now, they’re Utah State good.

2:38-We check our email. We get an email from Williams Sonoma. We’re on a mailing list b/c of a wedding registry. The couple is now divorced. Where are we in the settlement? We sunk $ and energy into that thing and we get nothing back. We’re still deleting emails every other day from Pottery Barn too. See what we’re saying?

2:41-Marquette wins. Exciting game. Think about what we said Utah State… think about it.

2:45-Temple/Arizona State is just starting. This will be our definitive ‘Evaluation of James Harden and wether he should be a top 10 pick like everyone is saying.’ We’re trying to be unbiased but we’re leaning towards ‘not’.

2:57-Deonte Christmas drills another 3. Temple sucks but this dude is nasty. Someone could do a lot worse than drafting this guy… a lot worse like James Harden? It’s not like they’re matched up against each other so you can get a good comparison.. what's that? They're covering each other... Ah... Let's move on.

2:59-Gene Hackman does Loes voiceovers. He’s done it for years. Gary Sinice is doing Army ads. Neither of these guys needs the $. You can’t book another voiceover guy for these things?

3:00-Why is it ‘I-an Eagle?’ It’s ‘ee-an’ for everyone else. If we knew him, we’d never stop pointing this out.

3:03-bad pass comes to Harden. He could have gone down 1 on 1 in transition. Instead, he pulls back and runs the offense. Wouldn’t lottery picks just go score there? The answer is yes. We don’t get it.

END PART 1

Wizards Seek NBA Rule Change

2009-03-06T14:06:00.000-08:00

Today, Washington Wizards GM Ernie Grunfield filed a brief with the NBA Office in New York with little fanfare. After reading this article in the Washington Post:

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/03/05/AR2009030501651.html

It occurred to Grunfeld that the Wizards were being short changed in the way games were being officiated and counted.

The brief never made it to the desk of David Stern, NBA Commissioner and eater of city councilmen who won't do new arena deals at the expense of citizens. Instead, the brief was read by an intern and then summarily shredded and subsequently burned. What were it's contents? Our street correspondent, Bubb Rubb, was able to salvage some of the ashes and said:

'That's only in da mow-nin. You 'posed to be up cookin bref-fest by then...'

Bubb Rubb has since been fired by Gus Johnson's Whisper.

We were able to determine that the Wizards' GM was attempting to get the league to change the rules so that 'Hustle Stats' would count in the final outcome of the game. Example:

If Wizards SF and busted jump-shooter Dominic 'Have Trouble Throwing It Into the Ocean from the Beach' McGuire bricks an open jumper off the bottom of the front of the rim, chases the rebound out of bounds and dives into the 3rd row before the possession changes, under current NBA rules, that counts as nothing.

Grunfeld wanted the league to review its scoring policy. 'For so long, we've been under the same fascist system of 'baskets' and 2s and 3s and sometimes free throws. So maybe I'm outside the box on this and maybe I wanted to deflect attention away from the fact that I signed Etan Thomas, to one of the worst contracts in history, or that Deshawn Stevenson will be here 3 more years. Let's find a way to make this thing work. Hurry home soon Gilbert.'

Under Grunfeld's plan, McGuire would be averaging a staggering 41 points per game. The most valuable points under this system are given to guys who can't actually score. Grunfeld's system lowers the value of so called 'dominant players' like Kobe Bryant, Dwayne Wade, and Lebron James. The system is also creative in other ways.

Power forwards baskets will only count for .25 points. This is an attempt to slow the trend, since the arrival of Antawn Jamison, of power forwards having career games vs the Wizards. When asked about his opinion of the new plan, Atlanta Hawks 4th option Marvin Williams said, "Oh hell no son! I need them Wizards games to keep that average up! Yo, you can't just get 28 and 12 on everybody!"

The plan has some other tricky facets. According to our sources, here is what we know:

-Point Guards are not allowed to penetrate past the free throw line and easily break down a defense. The must stay outside a new circular arc to be painted 15 feet around the basket.

-Teams without any consistent outside shooters get a 13 point pre-game bonus

-Teams that have no reason to play veterans and some younger players to develop but continue to give meaningful minutes to said veterans receive Domino's Pizzas in the locker room after road games.

-Any team that is willing to start an unathletic 6'8" Lithuanian at Center is given the 6 seed in the Eastern Conference regardless of record.

-Any team with a big man that is scared of the better big men in the league (Howard, Garnett) but puffs up against scrubs will be allowed 5 free dunks to be followed by mandatory 'look at me' chest pounds and subsequent 'skyward finger points'. A 1 point bonus per dunk will be included if the players on the bench execute the 'hold me back because I'm laughing so hard' move.

Needless to say, the measure did not pass the hurdles necessary to be brought before the NBA Competition Committee. 'We'll keep trying,' said Grunfeld. 'It's not fair that we are the worst team in basketball. It's the fault of the rules and not the brutal team I assembled while preaching continuity in order to keep my job.'

Redskins Want Highest Paid Player At Every Position

2009-03-02T10:41:00.000-08:00

The Washington Redskins caused a stir around the NFL by making Albert Haynesworth the highest paid defensive player of all time.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/02/27/AR2009022703312.html

The $100 million deal is really a 3-4 year deal where Haynesworth will receive around $60 million give or take a few... million.

The Redskins, quickly realizing that having the highest paid player at each position was the only real way to build a team:

http://voices.washingtonpost.com/redskinsinsider/

2009/02/dockery_agrees_to_deal_with_sk.html

'We liked what we did there,' said a wide-eyed Vinny Cerrato fresh off of a 4-day Choose Your Own Adventure Adventure at the estate of Dan Snyder where he had to answer questions about football, team-building, local trivia, and cartoons from the 80s. 'You remember Jabberjaw,' the delirious Cerrato went on. 'He's a shark and he's hanging out with these kids under water. That's what we tried to do here. We think Albert is a heck of player that eats like a predatory animal.'

The team didn't stop there. In a dizzying 48 hours, the Redskins paid Deangelo Hall, $54 million putting him among the top paid cornerbacks in the league. 'I didn't expect that,' said Joel Segal, Hall's agent and racquetball partner. 'We're thinking that a guy who got run out of two places because of attitude problems then behaved well for 8 weeks in order to earn a paycheck is going to get less than that. But that's great, just great. They come in before other teams bid and offer you more money than you could have gotten from anyone else. You don't see that enough in sports.'

In a rare public statement to the team's fans through his personally dictated blog on his radio station website for southern Prince George's County, owner Daniel M. Snyder boasted: 'Obviously, the salary cap is for pu$$ies'.

The Redskins, owners of an 8-8 record despite a 6-2 start, still have several holes to fill. Many fans believe the team is not done on the free agent market. 'I think they're not done,' said Redskins fan Justin Ramsey when asked if he thought the team was done in the free agent market and then read the card with the words 'I think they are not done' on it. The word around the league is that the team will make a run at Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis to address the need at defensive end.

Cerrato on the teams next move: 'If you look at a guy's video game rating, and that is something we do look at. You see a guy that has the 'mentor' team role which gives the guys around him a 1 point awareness boost when he's on the field. 86 speed and 99 awareness. We'd want him to come in and play defensive end for us and contribute on offense as the center. He's so good at making calls that you want him making those line calls for protections. Also, there was this one episode of Yogi Bear where the Ranger actually assisted with a murder then lied to investigators about it. The Ranger was still on the show and is a beloved character.'

It wasn't just NFL players getting into the act. Sensing a franchising opportunity, BMX legend Matt Hoffman was seen doing tricks in the orange parking lot at FedEx Field. 'Money is money!' shouted Hoffman before executing a reverse fakie 180 grinder while making the 'I'm stoked' signal with his point finger and pinkie. Hoffman was not scheduled to visit any other teams in the Free Agency period that began last Friday.

With all the dollars spent on a few players, one NFL executive who declined to be identified was concerned about the direction of the franchise: 'I think they're actually going to have to lineup without a linebacker on 1st and 2nd downs.'

The Dark Knight, The Academy, and Respect

2009-02-23T12:58:00.000-08:00

We hate the Academy Awards. Imagine another industry getting together to congratulate itself in such a way. They create awards like 'Best Cinematography'. That's like having 'Best Rivet Job on a Construction Sight in a Non-Living Space, Office Building, or Edifice'.

The fact that it's so covered and so hyped feeds the ever-inflating sense of self-importance of Hollywood. We're dorks. We know that. We loved the Dark Knight like late-night cheese fries and cannot imagine a better movie experience than seeing it on opening night in IMAX with our dorkbot friends. We also liked Slumdog Millon-air, but the complete lack of respect for the Dark Knight in favor of flicks like 'Benjamin Forrest Gump in New Orleans Button' and 'The Reader' really chapped our buns. How do you not nominate for best director!?!?!? The dude had a truck flip over in a city street. Christopher Nolan directed that. Whatever.

Moving on, here is a look at some of the most disrespected athletes, people. and teams of all time. These guys never got the credit they deserved and we never understood why.

-Ricky The Dragon Steamboat. Not one title in the WWF. This dude invented high-flying and was one of, if not the, best athletes in the ring of all-times. He was awesome. And yet, for some reason, he never got shots. When we were kids and went to the Capital Center in Landover, MD to watch the WWF, we sat in horror as the fans treated a Steamboat match like it was a poetry reading in a hipster coffee shop. So aggravating.

-Andre Dawson. For whatever reason, The Hawk can't get any Hall of Fame love. Is it the 8 gold gloves, being the 2nd player in history (at the time) to hit 400 homers and steal 300 bases, or the MVP award when he dropped 49 bombs and drove in 137 in an era where no one who wasn't roided did that? What's confusing you? People forget. They forget about the HOSE that dude had or the fact that he had the most outfield putouts for 3 straight years stalking balls in Montreal.

-Kate Beckinsale. The headline of every gossip column, entertainment page, or any news item not about war should read: 'Beckinsale Continues to Be Hot'. This should be every day until further notice.

-Run TMC. Beauty. Joy. If you were lucky enough to catch a Golden State Warriors game during the 1990-91 season, you were treated to 3 guys all averaging over 22 pts per game, 3 guys who were buckets, and 3 guys that just needed some semblance of a post player to be great and all they got was Alton Lister. The tightness of Chris Mullin, Mitch Richmond, and Tim Hardaway has long since been forgetten. They were always undervalued and were a symbol of entertaining basketball until Pat Riley murdered joy forever with a rusty scimitar named Anthony Mason.

-Airwolf. This show never got its props. Other tight shows like The A-Team stole the headlines and Airwolf flew under the radar (HA!). Jan Michael Vincent people. Also, Ernest Borgnine... and how about the guy playing polo? We used to get SO fired up when JMV rolled into the secret mountain and it was time for Airwolf to go and fight planes and always win. The soundtrack/intro were exceptional. Jack the volume on this and feel it:

-Lawrence Moten. - You all already know how we feel about Randolph Childress. Here's another guy that we can't figure out. When we were growing up in DC, this dude was the biggest deal around. He left as the Big East's all-time leading scorer... and then was a 2nd round pick by the Grizzlies? LM had incredible game and got fewer ticks than a plastic dog. Unreal. Now no one remembers. Just know this, when everyone else's socks were down, his were up. So tight.

Who else is getting Dangerfielded?

East Coast Bias and the Oscars

2009-02-23T11:09:00.000-08:00

Congratulations have to go to East Coast Bias, a quality sports blog that is well written and humorous. We're not mad, you snooze, you let someone else post your idea first.

We were going to write this very column when the calendar turned to March:

http://www.east-coast-bias.com/2009/02/bracket-time-is-coming-best-of-gus.html

Well, ECB, did it in February. Right in our mouthpieces. They were ahead of the curve over there.

We'll now lay down in the fetal for a spell, thinking about what we've done.

We'll toss this clip in because it's all we have:

Last random thought, did anyone watch the Oscars last night? We felt like, with every award read outloud, they should have said: 'And for some reason, not the Dark Knight.' What disrespect.

Wa-keen is Wakward

2009-02-12T10:07:00.000-08:00

Here at Gus Johnson's Whisper, we think you can never underestimate the importance of film study. You can spot an opponent's tendencies, correct your own bad habits, and gain a tangible advantage over the competition. We're going to break down some film of Joaquin Phoenix...

Here's this thing in it's entirety.

Here's another clip from a few years back when he was on Oprah.

Here's our Dr. Jack Ramsey style breakdown.

1) Lots of people out there are all: 'he's doing a character', 'it's an act', 'he can do what he wants, who are you to judge him?' Those people should be at home coloring. Here are the appropriate responses to those little quips.

-So what if he's doing a character? It's still bizarre, weird, and discomfortable for everyone. Sweet character!

-If it's an act, what's the upside? You're there to promote a movie. You are compensated in an incomprehensible way to act on camera. In order for you to continue to be compensated in such a way, people must see your films. You must promote your films so that people will want to see them. If you screw this process up, it hurts your career. We ask again, where's the upside in putting on an act? There are literally MILLIONS of people who would kill to be on the stage that Letterman provides. To treat it with such contempt and callousness is unforgivable. So, if he's doing an act, he's an a$$hole.

-He chose a lifestyle in the public eye. He doesn't have to appear on a program for millions to see. We are all fully entitled to judge. The same way an audience member on the Maury show has the right to toss out a phrase like: 'You need to step up and be a man and handle yo' responsibilities!' (raucous applause)

2) We think dude has officially gone off the reservation. Like, that's it and that's all. Ballgame. The reason we think that is if you watch the 2nd video above, you can catch a whiff of crazy. It's like crazy cologne. You can see the odd delivery. At the 1:32 mark, he talks about how it's not acting anymore... watch it... right there... see that.. you talk about a guy riding the car to crazytown... watch this right here... He says that acting isn't pretending when that's exactly what acting is supposed to be, at least according to Sir Ian McLellan:

So right there, you've got to know that Joaquin a couple nuggets short of a 20-piece.

3) What kind of assurances do you need for his next film if you're the studio?

What kind of corollaries do you demand? 24 hour guard? 37 dream catchers? One of those electric

fence collars? Seriously. How could you book this dude and not protect yourself?

4) If you can do a freeze frame at the 4:58 mark of the Oprah video, do so. We'll wait. Now, tell us

that you'd feel comfortable leaving him alone in a pharmacy after it closed.

5) Sometimes it's easy to spot crazy. The dude fighting imaginary spiders on the bus? Crazy.

Easy. Other times though, it's harder to notice. Notice the mannerisms of Wah-keen, head down at

a slightly cocked angle with his eyes straining upwards to make eye contact, the fidgety and

uncomfortable mannerisms (not nervous ticks but the kind of motion that makes it look like he wants

to crawl out of his own skin), and the unwillingness to smile/laugh/show vulnerability despite his

acceptance in front of an approving group. But there's more than that. Can't you see it? It's that

thing... that intangible thing... it's like knowing that a certain dude will drill that free throw with 2

ticks left... or knowing that in 5 years, this dude will be a hot mess with a beard who thinks he's being

interviewed in Narnia by Fiorello LaGuardia about the Fraggle Rock Ewok War.

So, we feel like if Letterman had watched all the game tape, he could have seen this coming. Of

course, Letterman was fine but the laziness of not watching the tape can cost you.

If If If.. You Had A QB... That You...Needed to Win You A Game... That QB... Would Be Brett Favre

2009-02-11T09:55:00.000-08:00

The Favre is gone, baby. He told the Jets he's retiring. He's told people a lot of things. Maybe he'll get the itch again and ruin another team.

http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=3898942

Here's a good rundown of just some of the damage he did to the Jets:

http://myespn.go.com/blogs/afceast/0-5-45/Nice-try--but-Favre-decision-was-a-Jets-fiasco.html

When the Jets got off to a hot start, all the Favre apologists and tv talking heads like Skip Bayless,

were busy running Green Bay under the bus and praising Favre as a godsend for the Jets. Nevermind that the Jets were all of a sudden able to stop the run with a healthy Kris Jenkins and an improved defense that was a laughing stock the year before and the addition of quality, veteran offensive lineman allowed them to run the ball effectively. I'm certain Thomas Jones has always been that good and was just biding his time before really applying himself. A$$.

It is stunning to GJW how few people get it when it comes to certain guys. If the squad you root for had a 2nd year guy who decided he wasn't going to do the off-season workouts, show up for team activities, but would make himself available for quotes from the press about the things he needs to come back and play for your team. You'd be pissed right?

When you are a professional, you have to act professionally. That's it. The 'will he/won't he?' dance that this ego maniac has done for the last 4 off-seasons is stunning. The running teammates under the bus, the astounding demands from management based on his perceived iconic status, and the poor play as a direct result of a lack of preparation and commitment area all enough for us to wish good riddance to favre, brett.

We must never forget the back-breaking interceptions that led to defeats. 52 other men worked too hard to have their fates decided by a 'gunslinger' trying to make a hero play. Never forget, we live in a world where Eli 'Back-Foot-Under-Pressure-Throw-It-Up-And-Hope-The 6'5" Gazelle-Who-Shot-Himself-Will-Catch-It' Manning has a Superbowl win. It's because of Favre.

Players have to be accountable to their teammates. Favre, Brett has not been accountable for some time. This is not debatable. If you believe otherwise, you can form your squad with the Pacmans and the TOs and let all of us 'haters' explain to you why your squad self-destructs.

I Feel Deep Regret

2009-02-10T13:37:00.000-08:00

By now, you've all seen it. If you haven't, being Amish in 2009 must be going great:

http://espn.go.com/video/clip?id=3895585&categoryid=2521705

It's the complete Alex Rodriguez interview with Peter Gammons.

Yawn.

A-Rod has been schooled in phony PR since he was an 18 year old senior at Miami Dade Christian High School. He never speaks out of turn, always says 'the right thing', and is generally as boring and manufactured a media figure as you'll find. It's smart though. People can't stand this guy and yet, he mints money. He's in everything and has signed 2 different 10 year contract worth over $25o million. Have you met my friend here, Mr Ho-Lee Sheet?

Here is the official reaction of Gus Johnson's Whisper to these developments;

-He did himself a service by his 'admission' (we put it in quotes because he says things like 'I admit to being naive' which are attempts to remove some culpability on his part). If you look at the sh*t shows that guys like Bonds, McGwire, Palmeiro etc have/are going through, the best course is to come clean. Of course A-Rod came about as clean as a pair of underwear worn by a man for 52 days in a row.

-We're still taken aback at all the 'surprise' that people seem to be feeling. Everyone knew. It was around. Guys that we played with in summer ball, guys that we knew from being around baseball etc. everyone of them had a story about a guy who was using or whole teams using, clubhouse attendants going on roid runs like they were picking up soda, and so on. Everyone knew.

-We get upset at the 'moral outrage' of columnists/pundits (like the NY writer who said the yankees should release A-Rod no matter what the cost). It's so easy to 'take a stand' against this sort of thing. They can't affect wether or not a guy is allowed to play so they strike in the only forum they can, Hall of Fame voting. Because they don't sit on MLB rules committees, or participate in hearings, or have any influence on who is allowed to play, they use their little pulpits to express their opinions. We get annoyed at sportswriters inserting themselves in the debate.

-Of course it's long overdue to have effective testing. No one should argue differently. No one was complaining after the strike, when all the homeruns and Cal's streak brought fans back. It's the dirty little secret that owners turned a blind eye and rewarded guys with deals. For every A-Rod, there were 3 dozen guys who were just trying to get 1 big free agent deal.

-We ask where you draw the line. Meaning, we all agree that roids are wrong. Fine. But, 162 over 7 months is beyond hard. Can guys not take caffeine pills but drink strong coffee? Can guys not eat lots of carbs on gamedays because they can get energy? What suppliments are OK and what are not? Everyone's body is different so a suppliment might not help one guy but change another's entire game. It's a weird time because we don't know where you can draw the line.

-In sum, we're not bothered by guys that did it. It's easy to cast a stone, call it wrong, and move on. We for one, don't particularly care if a guy did or didn't. The culture rewarded it and now, the culture is being changed. Each player had to live with his decisions, weighing $ against long term health, his chance to keep his dream alive for another season or 2 against begging for a spring training invite while ignoring the writing on every wall. Pro sports are merciless and cruel. 99% of the time, guys are let go without ceremony and the season goes on. Guys that have worked their entire lives have everything they know taken away from them by a handshake from an assistant GM who has a computer program that measures defensive efficiency. We don't care. Make your choices but be prepared to live with them.

National Signing Day and Sitcoms

2009-02-05T05:58:00.000-08:00

There are lots of things that Gus Johnson's Whisper loves (fast Americans at the Olympics, a well run fast break, making the extra pass, and Star Wars). There are also lots of things that Gus Johnson's Whisper hates. One object of our venom are recruiting class rankings.

Like these: http://sportsillustrate d.cnn.com/2009/football/ncaa/02/03/team-rankings/index.html?eref=T1

Lots of reasons for this and here are some of them:

-Players gain reputations and hype and this leads to an inflation/deflation of rankings

-If these scouts were actually correct, dudes like Drew Henson would have led the Patriots to 3 Superbowls.

-It is near impossible to compare the thousands of levels of football across America. Making tangible comparisons when there is such a huge disparity of talent is fruitless.

It's that last point that led to this blog. We're going to make tangible comparisons... between the top football powers and chicks from sitcoms from when we were little.

#1 Alabama: Shelly Long.

Making your way in the world today takes everything you got. Having a scumbag coach who can really recruit, sure does cost a lot. See what we did there? We never got why Shelly Long got more than a minute of Sam's time. She was so high-maintencey; a quasi-hot chick that wasn't likeable. You know Alabama, with their #1 recruiting class in tow, will get smoked by someone. You know this because they'll have some 3-named quarterback who gets pummeled so hard, the hair that comes out of the back of his helmet uncurls.

#2 LSU: Justine Bateman.

The show was obviously incredible and in our opinion, she was the glue guy. She took the charges, was sweated by Skippy and every other male 80s child, and always had at least 1 great line per show. That's how LSU is. The SEC is always raw and it's these guys, year in and year out running 22 athletes out there, that make the conference the place of naked anger.

#3 USC: Alyssa Milano.

Name someone hotter than Samantha Micelli in season 5 of Who's the Boss for a male under 14. You can't. You would watch that show even if it meant putting up with Danny Pintauro (The Pete Carroll of Sitcom stars). You also know that USC will be right there in the hunt. You also know that all that talent will occasionally have an F-up (Like Mrs. Rossini accidentally burning the Lasagna). There will be hiccups but talent wins.

#4 THE ohio state university: Markie Post.

Boooorrrrrriiiiiing. They'll win the Big-10 then get mooshed in a bowl. We get it, John Laroquette likes sex and Christine doesn't want to sleep with him. At least Harry Anderson (Terrell Pryor) can do a magic trick or 2 to make the 30 minutes seem slightly more bearable.

#5 Texas: Danica McKellar.

Winnie Cooper. Every male in the world has a Winnie Cooper. Fact. That's what made this show so special. Every male has someone that he hyped up so much in his mind that he couldn't see straight, that cost him his judgment, and made him a wreck. For Texas fans, Colt McCoy is your Winnie Cooper.

#6 Florida State: Tracy Gold.

Winning the ACC is like having a know-it-all goodie goodie sister that stands in the way of Mike Seaver nailing bait like a carpenter.

#7 Michigan: Nancy Mckeon.

An also ran on a show of also-rans.

#8 UNC: Missy Gold.

Who is that? She's from where? Benson? That was a show? Really? 7 seasons? That show ran for 7 seasons? No f-ing way.

#9 Georgia: Nicole Eggert.

Sexy pick. They started 2008 as the #1 team in the country and they ended up on Howard Stern begging for an acting role. Charles in Charge indeed.

#10 Florida: Soliel Moon Frye.

Listen, everyone knew she was going to be hot. Adults watched the show, they knew. Kids that watched the show, they knew. Everyone on set and at the network, you best believe they were in the know. It's inevitable. You think the Florida kids are worried because Alabama had a great recruiting year? You think Soliel looked across the lot and was worried because they were filming Small Wonder?

Waiting for Manny

2009-02-03T14:09:00.000-08:00

Baseball free agency this year is weird. The first round of players got signed in a timely manner and the process played out like a normal off-season. Then something happened or rather, stopped happening. Teams are refusing to pony up ANY money whatsoever to sign players that could help them.

The trend now in MLB is to grow your own talent within the organization. It was such a profound trend that it led the Yankees last year to refuse to deal prospects for the best pitcher of this generation who, by all accounts, has several great years left. Now, those prospects who were 'untouchable', will not even make the rotation this year or next. Ask a real Yankee fan about Phillip Hughes and they might punch your mouth.

Look at this:

Bobby Abreu, Garrett Anderson, Orlando Cabrerra, Adam Dunn, Orlando Hudson, Ivan Rodriguez, Ben Sheets, Randy Wolf, and of course, Manny Ramirez.

You're telling me that nobody wants to nut up and toss a 2 year deal for a guy that gets on base at close to a 40% clip and has had huge years outside the Bronx? Nobody needs a 20/20 guy that scores 100 runs a year? Memo to every team that didn't win the world series: Abreu could help you.

What about a Gold Glove 2nd baseman that hits around .300? Oh, so you're all set with the USS Belly-ard Nationals?

We really don't get this. The point is to win the championship and there are guys out there right now who could help teams do that but whatever. It's like so many teams are feeding their fans horsepoop and somehow, we are eating it and asking for more. How is this acceptable? We need the Bureau of Fan Intervention like never before.

We're sure you all saw the news that Manny Ramirez turned down the Dodgers 1 year/$25 million offer.

http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/news/story?id=3880836

Lots of columnists (like Bill Simmons: http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/eticket/story?page=manny) don't understand why teams aren't clamoring to sign Manny. These guys point to his .396 average in his time with the Dodgers, his career totals, and the 'raw deal' he got from Boston.

These guys don't get it. Here's why with some bullet points which means that the points are valid:

-.396 just proves he was tanking in Boston. No one thinks he's not capable. Everyone knows he is. It's just that Manny has entered Bondsian territory of being more trouble than he is worth.

-If you think Boras manipulated Manny and are giving him a pass (you're wrong), say you're right, what makes you think you won't have to go through something else? Boras forcing a trade, voiding a deal and seeking a raise when the economy gets better, or any of the millions of other things that Manny does that are a nightmare for any team.

-If you think Manny will behave himself, what are you basing that on? If you think he's motivated by personal milestones, you don't know enough things. You don't know about how the Indians had to beg Manny not to take days off when he was chasing Hack Wilson's RBI record. You don't know how the Tribe front office couldn't wait to be rid of the daily headache of assigning an army of attendants to make sure their professional hitter was where he was supposed to be.

-If you are one of those dudes that goes: 'Manny being Manny' then you shouldn't be allowed to have cable. That's a press invention. If you played sports beyond 8th grade, you know the truth. Guys like that disrupt your team. The rules that everyone else has to play by don't apply to a 'star' and it ruins things. It's a fracture and it's always at the forefront, always discussed, debated, and analyzed. You answer questions about it, you fight with your teammates about it, and you suffer because one guy isn't accountable to his teammates. To a young team or a team that is learning how to win, this can be the kiss of death.

-If you do sign him at this point, you are getting a guy that can hit. When will he hit? You think he'll be a happy little soldier because you low-balled him and earned his services because no one else would? You think this pouting, tanking, space cadet will want to show up and play hard for you? You have to look at the whole body of work, not just the most recent. 3 months of good citizenship? Not enough for us, at least not at that price.

The Bama of the Week

2009-01-30T12:48:00.000-08:00

'Just hang back a minute', 'Step back from the rope please', 'What's the name of the party?', 'Who you here to see?', 'How many people with you?', 'Are you on the list?'

These are all questions that doormen at sh*tty clubs ask. This week's bama is every doorman at a club that has a one of those movie theater ropes to trick chooches into thinking that the establishment they are attending is legitimate.

First, a doorman is not a bouncer. A bouncer is a legit job. Those guys are under appreciated. At real bars, they check IDs, do some bus boy work, have to step in and break up fights, throw guys out, occasionally beat someone's a$$, stay on their feet all night and get b*tched at by underaged chicks with bad fake IDs. Some bouncers are annoying but as a whole, they are just big dudes who are trying to make some $ on the side.

That's not what a doorman is all about. A doorman is probably listed as a 'promoter' or 'street sales associate' or something else that is falsified and lie-y. He is the napoleonic, shaved-chested, shiny shirt sustenad that makes it miserable for people waiting in line and rewards his boys who inevitably roll up, skip the line, do that awkward hand shake-to-thug-hug move that is forced like geometry to freshman, and then go inside ordering bottle service and attracting the kinds of girls that they should be attracting. To us, there is nothing less palatable then going to one of these places, with these kinds of people, doing these kinds of things.

Gus Johnson's Whisper has always lived in or around large Metropolises. We have been to lots of different types of night life options and seen some things that no one should see and some things we wish everyone could see. The point here is that nothing is worse than this kind of doorman douche rocket. He is an a$$hole professionally. Somewhere along the way, someone figured out that the best way to run a club was to tell people they couldn't get in. They make 20-somethings who are aggressively eager to be seen in the 'right place' jump through hoops like a hamster. Club doormen are the final piece of this puzzle.

Here are some facts:

-Clubs want there to be lines outside the club of people waiting to get in.

-It builds a culture of 'we have to get there early if we want to get in.'

-If people are there longer, they spend more $ on adult beverages.

-If the early arrivers leave, there are others to take their place

So doorman von doesdrugs will pace around to give the appearance that he is incredibly busy. He will occasionally make appearances outside close to the waiting masses as terrible patrons try to get his attention and establish some kind of connection as to why they should be allowed to enter. He dismisses them and speaks into a cell phone or possible an earpiece that is necessary like bunting in the 9th up 12 runs. He gives the impression that he barely has enough time to complete any of his numerous responsibilities which in reality, are limited to what is described in this paragraph. He lets in a group of chicks that are freezing cold because they dressed turbo-slutty, these chicks are why atrocious dudes who are scumbags frequent these places to spend vast sums, and this is why the club lets in groups of slutty looking chicks.

This guy is a big deal in NY for example.

http://nymag.com/daily/food/2008/04/tenjune_doorman_alex_julian_ni_1.html

Imagine this. Picture it. Good heavens. How anyone could buy into this culture and enable such behavior is beyond us.

His job is to be a bad person. What do you do professionally sir? Wow, you're a bad person and get to name your own price for a job that ANYONE, literally anyone, can do? A$$. We're not spiritual by any means on this blog but we sure hope that this dude gets stuck in line beyond the velvet rope while everyone else gets into heaven.

Club Doorman = Bama.

Randolph Childress Addendum

2009-01-29T18:37:00.000-08:00

There was also this:

You'll never get us to believe that he wasn't so game tight. Wow.

Super Nintendo, Sega Genesis... and Randolph Childress

2009-01-28T13:04:00.000-08:00

The year was 1994. We were rocking the Sega Genesis. We woke up early that Saturday morning because we had to be at school for the team bus by 10AM. The JV squad rolled in school vans over to Good Counsel High School where they got beaten by 13. An amazingly skinny 14 year old freshman had 8 points, 3 assists, and a team high 7 turnovers to go with his 2 poutings on the bench, 1 talk-back to the coach, and 3 interactions with an opposing player that could be used against him in court. Before we left the house, we set the VCR to tape the Wake Forrest/Duke game at 2:30 PM. We were taken back when we turned on ESPN Classic last night.

Wow.

How tight was the ACC? This is from memory because we couldn't find historical roster data. Why is that so hard to find by the way? To us, this is the sort of thing the internet was invented for.

Duke: Grant Hill, Jeff Capel, Cherokee Parks (he was bootsy but still played in the NBA for a spell)

Wake: Tim Duncan and our favorite college player ever, Randolph Childress. More on Randolph in a moment.

UNC: Jerry Stackhouse, Rasheed Wallace, Eric Montross, and one of our 37 least favorite college players ever: Donald Williams.

Maryland: Joe Smith, Keith Booth, Ugly Johnny Rhodes, X-Ree Hipp, and Duane Simpkins

Note: Our boy Joe believes that Johnny Rhodes also should have been a star in the NBA.

Georgia Tech: Travis Best and we think Drew Barry? Remember Drew Barry?

UVA: Curtis Staples, Harold Deane, and we think that Junior Burroughs was on the squad, also Cory Alexander played in the NBA although we have no idea what his game was. What did he do? No one knows.

Clemson: Sharone Wright,

Florida State: Bob Sura, Charlie Ward

Note: Bob Sura!

NC State: Not sure they fielded a team for a couple years after they lost Gugliotta. We literally can't remember a single player off this team.

Back to what inspired this blog. Sometimes, in life, there are mysteries. The greatest mystery of all time to us is how Randolph Childress was not a star in the NBA. He was incredible. Is there anyone here who carried his squad (a squad that included Duncan) to an ACC title over one of the greatest college teams ever and set a record for points in a tournament? OK, Randolph we have you... anyone else? No? No one that tight ever?

His game was incredible. He was buckets, great handle, saw the court and was always under control. So smooth. His game was literally like an infant's buttocks... in terms of the smoothness.

We taped that game back in '94. After we got home, showered, played through Revenge of Shinobi on Genesis (we always got unlimited shurikens and tons of extra lives so you could beat it the tight way of saving the chick and killing the boss), we rewound the tape and watched an all-time classic.

In the 1st half, Childress passed on a lot of shots and was a distributor. Duke put the uber-athletic Grant Hill on RC. The game went back and forth with Wake trailing by a hoop in the final minute. Duncan was all tawkward and lanky at this point and his offensive game was like that 51 year old at the Y with rec specs. So, Wake works the ball around to Childress with about 20 seconds left. They clear out the side. 16 seconds. Childress drives on Hill. 14 seconds. Childress steps back with his super tight stepback move that no one has ever done better ever. 13 seconds. Childress launches a 3 over the 6'8" frame and outstretched arms of Hill, the same Hill that caught a ball above the square on an alley-oop and was one of the most athletic guys ever before the injuries. 11 seconds. Buckets. 3 pointer puts Wake up 1. No one at Cameron Privileged Suburban Stadium knows what to do. Hill misses a shot at the buzzer. Wake wins.

It was a great Saturday. Note: We did not talk to any girls.

After he was drafted by the Pistons, he hurt his knee. He resurfaced a few years later playing in dumb leagues overseas. We can't help but think of what he would have been in today's league with the handchecking rules. We think he'd be 20 and 8 and be a feared crunchtime scorer. Wow he was tight. We'll literally never forget.

Where's the Hype?

2009-01-26T12:19:00.001-08:00

Did you even remember that the Superbowl is this week? Who's having a party? Are you sure what you're doing yet? We at Gus Johnson's Whisper feel like we are not alone in this awkward feeling of this boring Superbowl week. There's no hype. The best we get are dumb articles by chooches like Peter King where he's all: 'that's not the only connection between these two franchises. Turns out that Byron Rando, the former equipment manager with the Steelers, was lured away when Ken Wisenhunt took the job in Arizona. This game means a lot to him.'

Seriously, check it:

http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2009/writers/peter_king/01/25/walkup/index.html

Weird. How is that possible? Oh, you mean in a small league where there is a personnel carousel, a former coach or player could go up against his former team in the Superbowl? So the league with no imagination that only hires from a selective and exhaustive pool has some overlap? I don't believe you sir!

Anyway, we feel like this matchup, for the biggest prize in American pro sport, has no buzz. Let's look at some other matchups for the big prize that had as little (or less) hype.

-Super Bowl XL: This 2006 symphony of boredom featured Pittsburgh beating Seattle in one of the 37 most untight games ever played. It was like watching 4 estranged brothers play pee-knuckle. Pittsburgh won but we all lost.

-2002 World Series:

Hard to live up to the drama of the 2001 Fall Classic. So, in a smart move, the 2002 Series went the opposite extreme and no one in the entire world cared at all. Who played in it? Can you remember without looking it up? We could because we're dorks. San Francisco lost to the Anaheim Angles in 7. It was actually a good series. Tens of people on the west coast were riveted.

1994 World Cup USA vs Brazil in Round 2: The US made it through group play for the first time since John Adams was president. In 1990, the squad had a great showing when it went 0-3, we didn't qualify for the WC in 1986, before that... we're not talking about before that. This was huge for US soccer. Huge. The game was played on JULY 4th in America! Somehow, no one cared. We were so hyped for this and no one else we knew even watched it on tv. There were like 19 Americans in the stands... which was a nice break from the 30,000 Brazilians. Even after some punk got a red card for elbowing Tab Ramos' head, it was a boring 1-0 game. Weird.

1988 Presidential Election: We did a whole thing on this in school. We were all so excited for this thing to be a nail-biter. Neck and neck, they traded barbs like slap-boxers at recess. The night of, we assembled at the home of one of the parents and watched in horror as the tv men calmly explained to us that it was already over and Dukakis was sipping soup broth by 5PM. We thought it was this epic battle. It was really close... until they started counting the votes. 426-111 in electoral votes. Great talk.

-Every boxing match since Mike Tyson lost to Lennox Lewis in 2002: Who is the heavyweaight champ? How many different boxing organizations are there? Since the Victorian Freak Show lost to Lewis and had that bizarre post-fight gratefulness episode, boxing has been creeping along on its way to a lonely grave.

UFC, no charismatic heavyweights, perceived corruption/chaos with the myriad boxing organizations, and the unwillingness to change the 'pay-per-view' model have all led to boxing's demise. Championship bouts now get less attention than new episodes of CBS sitcoms.

-2004 Sugar Bowl: LSU beat Oklahoma. This game was all awkward because USC should have been in the game and everyone knew it. It was hyped but every time it was hyped it was like, 'but also USC... so...'. It was like you have Lucy Pinder at a photoshoot next door to a photoshoot of Keeley Hazel but are only allowed to hype the Lucy Pinder shoot. Is it not like that? Whatever.

Back to Bamas

2009-01-23T11:19:00.001-08:00

The other day, someone goes, 'you need to get back to doing bamas posts. It's your bread and butter. Taking those punk b*tches down a notch or two is good for everyone.' Mom was right. It's on.

This week's bama is Josh Childress.

Oooooh, is this a new trend for NBA players? Taking money overseas? Wow, what an innovative move! Incredible that Josh Childress and his people had the foresight to make this happen! Will this start a flood of talent going overseas?

No.

It's good for this dude that he got 20 mil to be an average player over in Greece. Can't fault him for that. The reasons he is a bama are as follows:

-His dumb hair. We hate it when nerdy black dudes have Menace to Society Hair. You went to Stanford you nerd. You are a soft nerd with no real game. The fro is bamafied unless you have A) been in prison, B) recorded a tight rap album that will still be tight in 15 years, C) are the fun black dude that always knows where the party is. This is not Josh Childress.

-His non-game. Here are some of the tight 3s out there: Lebron, Caron Butler, Danny Granger, Kevin Durant, Carmelo, Paul Pierce, Josh Howard. Josh Childress fits with this group like the angry, protesting, lesbiany chick fits in at a model party. You're too small to be a 4, but at least you can't score.

-The fact that this move spawned all sorts of absurd discussions about actual tight NBA players going to Europe. The whole 'will Kobe go play somewhere?' thing was annoying like local tv ads.

-The fact that he isn't even dominating his JV Euro experience. Listen bruh, at least be in the top half league wide. What's that? You are averaging 13 and 3 in THE GREEK LEAGUE? You put up 9 and 5 in the Euroleague? Jump back. Our apologies. At least he's out now with a 'sports hernia' which we believe is the equivalent of having a bruised ego. Note: we are not doctors.

-Last, he was on the cover of ESPN College Hoops 2K5. This confirms several things. 1st, the 2k series of video games are dumb. 2nd, Was Erik Barkely not available? 3rd, college basketball games are not tight. 4th, Josh Childress stands for inferior products.

So there you have it. Thanks Josh Childress. Thanks a lot you Greek bamapolis.

Join the Cardinals Bandwagon!

2009-01-21T12:29:00.000-08:00

The Letdowns

2009-01-16T10:33:00.000-08:00

We saw Gran Torino yesterday. It is just terrible. We have no idea how anyone could be giving this piece of soiled undies a positive review. We can only assume that every reviewer follows the flock and wants to be the most effusive to kiss the buttocks of Clint Eastwood. It's fashionable to sweat his films like gym socks (just like it's fashionable to hate on George Lucas, Michael Bay etc). Here's the thing, we like CE. We were hyped to see this thing and left feeling like we got duped like the time the older bully in our neighborhood convinced us to trade an original Optimus Prime for 4 1st series Garbage Pail Kids (Mean Gene, Ray Decay, Large Marge, and Up Chuck).

This led us to think about how many sports disappointments there have been this and how many movies they remind us of... because of the letdown.

The New York Giants - Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines. Way to dominate that home game #1 seed. We looked forward to T3 like it was no one's business. T1 and 2 are pantheon. T3 is a loud fart at a dinner party; the wind of which guides Eli Manning.org's backfoot fluttering passes into the arms of waiting defenders. 'I'll take 'Ordinary Without Plaxico for 100'. Is it any wonder that T3 sucked without Edward Furlong, the 'Plax of the Terminator series'?

The Tennessee Titans - Eragon. You didn't really think this squad was going to do it right? But you held out some hope they would get it right. After all, the book (regular season) was so impressive, how could they not bring it on the big stage? Even with Jeremy Irons, John Malkovich, and Djimon Hounsou, this movie felt like being lied to by your wife. Eragon under-used Hounsou like the Titans under-used Vincent Young.

The Dallas Cowboys - Righteous Kill. So much talent! So much talent! Pacino! Deniro! Dennehy! Wahlberg! Leguizamo! Did anyone see this movie? We didn't. But we did watch the Cowboys eat a turdburger. 5 stars!

The New York Mets - Star Wars: The Clone Wars. 'Called strike 3. Delgado (Skywalker) just frozen on the breaking ball. So that's all from Atlanta and the Mets drop ANOTHER one to the Braves. Their lead in the division (Star Wars fans) has shrunk to 2 games (fans).

Freddy Adu - Alexander. The savior of the MLS. The future of USA soccer. The youngest king to rule the world. All we got was a bench player for DC United and Jared Leto screaming 'Alexzonder' at a teary Colin Farrell. Both of these items are letdowns due to mismanagement. So annoying.

Brett Favre - 3 Ninjas Kick Back. Haha kidding. We knew both these things would be terrible. 'Hi, I'm a selfish egomaniac who throws big interceptions. Eli Manning has a superbowl because I threw an unforgivable pick to go along with my other unforgivable picks. I don't want to make a decision on my future now, I'll keep a cloud of doubt over the organization so that it becomes a distraction for everyone involved. I think I've earned that right to hold any team hostage. Forget everyone else in the building, this thing is about me.' - Evan Bonifant (Tum Tum)

The Baseball Hall of Fame Voters: W. You had the chance to do something great and you blew it like Don Deckinger. One of the worst things to happen to sportswriting over the last 15 years or so is the increased power of the New England journalists. The 'no one listens to us' that mirrored the 'woe is us' BS from fans has morphed into a Sauron-esque hold on the minds of the men that cover the game. It's how you get things like Dustin Pedroia as MVP (wasn't even the MVP of his team. Youklis played 3 different positions without missing a beat (any idea how hard it is to go from 1st base and the OF and take balls off the chest at 3B? Of course you don't sportswriter puke who never played), drove in tons of runs while Papi was down and out, and had better #s everywhere: OPS, OB%, Runs created (206-201)). It's also how you get BS like Jim Rice getting into the Hall while Mark McGwire, Andre Dawson, and Bert Blyleven sit on the sidelines. I don't care if you think/know Mac cheated. You don't get to legislate after the fact. He was allowed to play and your little personal stand is embarrassing. The same way that Oliver Stone's little stand was embarrassing.

The Washington Wizards - Spider-Man 3. We'll just run the same group out there that made the playoffs the last few years and be fine... AWK-WARD!

Those are our letdowns. Who's got more?

No Mas

2009-01-09T12:26:00.000-08:00

Genius. It is a word that is thrown around liberally these days. Anyone from a funny comedian, a weird director, to a kid who is good at math, we over-use the word. This isn't normally a huge deal. It is however a big deal, when you encounter something that cannot be described any other way. No superlative suffices, no adjective properly describes, and no feeling can quantify how we felt when we saw this:

If you don't know what that is, leave this blog at once. It's Bo from Tecmo Bowl. That alone isn't enough to qualify as genius. The fact that this is the image on a T-shirt from the folks at NO Mas, is genius. Quite simply, this is the greatest t-shirt ever made. Here is a Dr. Jack Ramsey style breakdown of why Tecmo Bo is the best ever:

-The people that immediately get it will compliment you instantly.

-The people that don't get it right away will ask you or someone else. People are talking about you.

-With this shirt, you are showing some things: 1) You admire greatness 2) You have a sense of history 3) You carry on the legacy of the most gifted athlete ever to walk the Earth. 4) You were nasty enough at Tecmo Bowl to take several teams to the title. 5) The term 'Run 1' means something to you. 6) You can guess other people's plays. 7) You are secure with who you are and how you got there.

-You are visually smacking the faces of hipsters and other chooches that wear ironic t-shirts and skinny jeans. This shirt is hilarious and not because it's a vintage yard sale product.

-Wearing this shirt is like throwing up a gang sign, except that everyone ever is in this gang and no one will die. We all rep these colors.

We have had an amazing time perusing their website:

http://www.nomas-nyc.com/index.html

They have so much wonderment. If Gus Johnson's Whisper was a rich blog, we would buy 2 of everything. Alas, we are going to have to roll with the Tecmo Bo T-shirt that arrived in the mail. So tight.

Hadoken! Gus Johnson, Street Fighter.

2009-01-08T12:03:00.000-08:00

ESPN the Mag had a nice little bit about our resident hero, Gus Johnson. You can check it out here:

http://sports.espn.go.com/espnmag/story?id=3797928

We've been arguing, with anyone who would listen, that you simply have to bump the team of Jim Nantz and Billy Packer off the huge college hoop games. Nantz is a solid sportscaster. He really is. You know where we want our solid sportscasters? Game #3, the 4th biggest event of the weekend, with the B crew etc. He tells you what happens. That's tight in golf where you have to be all quiet or Tiger Woods will snap at you, but not in the frantic, hectic, and insane NCAA tourney.

Give us Gus Johnson and give him to us every single time. He makes terrible games decent, great games transcendent, and makes every other announcer out there sound like Ben Stein. Recently, we did a radio show with the stats guy from the NFL announcing team of Gus Johnson and Steve Tasker. Stats Guy also worked with GJ during March Madness. He told us this:

'Higher seeded teams got scared when they saw Gus was working the game. They would talk about it. I'm not kidding. They got nervous. The players know. They saw all those Davidson games, the Gonzaga upset, and on down the line. They felt like, 'oh sh*t, Gus Johnson always calls those upsets.'

How about that bruh? He's the best. No one can match the genuine excitement he brings. It's not forced, it's real. The dude just loves it.

We've often been asked, who should his partner be? Who is the college hoops dream team?

It's not Vitale, he's a chucklehead.

It's not Clark Kellog, although he's under rated.

It's not Packer because, as stated above, he is the worst.

It's not Jay Bilas because f*ck Duke.

It's not Len Elmore, although he'd be second on our list.

It IS Bill Raftery.

Sample dialogue:

GJ: 'Shot clock is turned off. UCONN, down 2, 8.5 seconds left to play.'

BR: 'They'll be looking for a dribble drive here. Jimmy Calhoun, so good at setting up what he wants. Putting people in place... ORCHESTRATING'

GJ: 'Roy Williams now, calling out instructions.'

BR: 'He wants Hansborough to guard the inbounder. No easy passes.'

GJ: 'We're set to go here. Dyson to inbound for UCONN... He does to Price in the backcourt... Drives on Lawson... KICKS IT OUT TO DYSON..... AT THE BUZZER.... OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!'

BR: 'THE ONIONS!!!!!!!'

GJ: 'OH MY! WHAT A GAME! UCONN, AT THE BUZZER! JEROME DYSON!'

BR: 'They drew it up Gus. Price on the clearout, draws the defender, kicks it to Dyson... Gets the puppies set............... FERTHREE' (note, the tightness of Bill Raftery saying 'for three' in the superfastRaftery voice cannot be measured)

God that would be awesome. Not only because of the GJ/Raftery combo but because Tyler Hansborough would be making his eli manning/hansborough I just got fouled with no call combo face. That would be great.

College Football Bowl Pick 'Em Manifesto

2009-01-06T13:59:00.000-08:00

We at GJW think there are not nearly enough manifestos out there. How ballsy is it to write a manifesto? Quite ballsy is the answer. Nonetheless, here is our guide to picking bowl games and winning your bowl pool... And we realize this is after most of the bowl games are done so maybe apply this next time or something.

Article 1- The Big 10 sucks at bowls.

You wouldn't know it based on the constant media attention and insufferable fans of teams like THE OHIO STATE University, but the Big 10 stinks and has quietly stunk for the last few years. Even when OSU won it's title, the rest of the Big 10 was out under performing in bowl games. Everyone likes to make excuses about how the teams are built to win in cold weather. This is like saying that a chick should be fatter in case she runs into a guy who likes fat chicks. It's dumb. Good teams win football games. Big 10 this year? 1-6 in bowls. Thanks to Steve Spurrier for bothering to spring for the $.42 in postage to mail in another bowl game on his way to the golf course.

Article 2 - ACC teams should never be favored over SEC teams. Thanks again Georgia Tech. A doo-doo browntown LSU squad took the 'school with the ugliest girls in the ACC' to the woodshed, locked them inside, then left incriminating messages on every contact in the respective cell phones of the GT players.

Article 3 - Every few years, there will be a Boise State-Oklahoma type upset. It is not worth your time to try and find it. This year, it was Utah and Alabama. You should not have picked Utah in this one. If you did, and are reading this thinking that you are smarter than everyone who covers college football for a living, then you are a chooch. These 2 teams play 10 times in the regular season and Alabama wins 8. They have more good players, more great players, and go to a school with one of the most rabid and supportive fan bases in the world. Utah is in Utah.

You can work yourself dizzy trying to find this game. We've won our last several bowl pools, simply by picking favorites with a couple exceptions. If you don't think that Alabama should be favored to beat Utah, you should go color in a book for coloring.

Article 4 - Despite the fact that everyone poops hammers on the Pac-10, they always do better than you'd think in bowls. This year's 5-0 is obvious but the Pac 10 is always sneaky. Those teams are better at bowls than you'd think. Obviously, USC is the leader of the pack but teams like Arizona (beating top 20 BYU this year), Oregon State (beat a solid Pitt team), Oregon (spanked an over-rated Oklahoma State team which we'll get to in a minute), and Cal are always competitive in their bowl games. 5-0 this year, 4-2 last year? That's a trend people.

Article 5 - When a conference is typically viewed as overhyped, has a banner year that causes the media to frenzy, pundits to write articles about how the 2 best teams are from this conference and those 2 teams should play for the title in a rematch and so on, and then the conference becomes REALLY overhyped, beware of said conference. See Big XII, The.

This year's 4-2 (4-3 if you agree with us that Florida rolls on Thursday) is the same as the Big East, potentially the same as Conference USA, and is not much better than the Mountain West Conference. Simmer down everyone.

Article 6 - No conference ever in the history of conferences should have 10 teams go to bowls. This is especially true when the highest ranked team got smoked by a middle of the pack SEC team. Looking right at you ACC! Simply put, no conference has enough depth to have better than a decent record if it's playing in 10 bowl games. Expect 5-5 and you won't be disappointed too badly.

Article 7 - Always always always look at travel. Who has to go far? Far east or west? Look at that stuff. It's a factor. This especially helps when you have no idea about either of the teams. Who were you looking for in the Rice v Western Michigan matchup? We didn't know either. The game itself was the Texas Bowl. Done and done.

Article 8 - Never underestimate the power of the 'we were in contention for the national title until we lost late in the season and we're disappointed with this bowl and having to play this meager team that is beneath us and we are not really ready to play' game. See Alabama, Texas Tech, and even Texas (who needed all 60 minutes to beat a flawed Ohio State team)

Article 9 - This is the most important in our opinion, if you can't name a single player off of either team before reading about the matchup, just pick the favorite. Several reasons here:

1) you don't know as much as you think you know

2) analyzing stats and results from teams that you have never seen play is like comparing apples to fruits on Chewbacca's home planet of Kashyyyk.

3) If you are ever the guy that brags about knowing that Northern Illinois would lose to Louisiana Tech, you're a douche and a chooch. You're a chouche.

This rule didn't work out as well as in years past as there were a few more upsets but generally, this is the way to go.

Feel free to follow this advice. Or, don't and lose to us again next year.

Does This Happen To You?

2008-12-19T02:03:00.000-08:00

We liked the first one, so we put up part 2.

A Fan in December

2008-12-13T10:06:00.000-08:00

This is what it's like to be a Redskins fan on a Sunday in December. Produced by Gus Johnson's Whisper correspondent, Danny Rouhier.

Enjoy.

No Bamas This Week, Instead: A Video Game Countdown

2008-12-12T12:58:00.000-08:00

This week, we are living bama free and are taking a break from our normal column. Today, with some of our buddies, we were asked (because we are a relative authority on this), to compile a list of both the top NES (original Nintendo) and the top games on all systems. The following is what was sent out to the group:

In a twist, I myself crashed. I have now rebooted and believe I can come up with something for everyone. I hope everyone enjoys this.

Nintendo Games for the original NES (note, you can play nintendo games online here: http://www.nintendo8.com/):

1) The Legend of Zelda

2) Metroid

3) Mike Tyson's Punchout (the version released after the rape charge had 'Mr Dream' at the end and was no where near as tight)

4) Dragon Warrior

5) Super Tecmo Bowl

6) Castlevania II: Simon's Quest

7) Super Mario Brothers

8) Final Fantasy

9) Mega Man

10) Contra

11) The Adventures of Lolo

12) Kid Icarus

13) Baseball Stars (would be higher but it was frustrating because you would ALWAYS lose the saved data)

14) Star Tropics

15) Dragon Warrior IV

16) Wizards and Warriors (most underrated video game ever made)

17) Maniac Mansion

18) Crystalis

19) Castlevania III: Dracula's Curse

20) Zelda II: The Adventure of Link

21) Rygar (this would be a top 3 game ever if there were continues or a password. You had to beat it in 1 sitting which lowers it)

22) Shadowgate

23) Super Mario Brothers 3

24) Ducktales

25) Faxanadu

Top video games on any system (PC not eligible):

1) The Legend of Zelda (NES). I wrote an article about this for IGN. It changed everything. It was the Star Wars of Video Games. Blended action RPG, smooth and layered gameplay, incredible story, perfect difficulty, graphically superior to it's contemporaries. It was literally perfect. Also, the cartridge was gold.

2) Final Fantasy VII (playstation): to give you an idea, this game has spawned 2 movies, 4 video game spin-offs, and millions of fans world wide. Further, my boy ***** and I spent 199 hours and 59 minutes getting through half the game together. 400 hours. The standard for all RPGs forevermore. I literally just got dusty in my eyes thinking about how tight this game is.

3) Grand Theft Auto: Vice City (PS 2): They worked out the bugs so it played smooth, the soundtrack is INCREDIBLE, the things you get to do are amazing (you direct a porn movie with Jenna Jameson for example), the missions are great. The series peaked right here.

4) Super Metroid (SNES): simply put, an amazing game

5) NHL 94 (Genesis): greatest sports game ever made

6) Mike Tyson's punchout (NES)

7) Zelda: Ocarina of Time (N 64)

8) Metal Gear Solid II (PS 2)

9) Mario Kart: think about the casual gamer. Everyone, even ****** plays this game.

10) Castlevania: Symphony of the Night (PS)

11) Metroid (NES)

12) Halo (XBOX)

13) Tomb Raider (PS)

14) Chrono Trigger (SNES)

15) Resident Evil (PS)

16) Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time (PS 2)

17) Panzer Dragoon Saga (Sega Saturn)

18) Final Fantasy III (SNES)

19) Goldeneye (N 64)

20) Super Mario 64

21) Dragon Warrior NES

22) Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion (PS 3)

23) Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic (XBOX)

24) Final Fantasy Tactics (PS)

25) Devil May Cry (PS 2)

Some notes:

*****= name removed to protect the innocent

-NHL 93 vs NHL 94: The one-timers, better control, in game-options, empirically, made 94 a better game. You cannot argue against the heart though. I understand where you come from on this ******.

-There are lots of fighting games not on the list. the problem I have with them is that this is more about 'the series' than any one game. Each one, inherently lacks depth and his repetitive. The various Mortal Kombats, Soul Calibers (the most recent with Darth Vader is amazing), and Tekkens can never get you the involved gameplay that are so important to me and other hardcore gamers

-System Breakdown:

NES: 4, Playstation: 5, Super Nintendo: 3, XBOX: 2, Nintendo 64: 3, Playstation 2: 4, PS 3: 1, Sega Saturn: 1, Sega Genesis: 2

-I started to do a system by system breakdown but thought that might be too much.

-There are a few titles on there who's commercial success did not match the stature of the game. The Panzer Dragoon Saga came out right before the end of the Sega Saturn. It was an absolute achievement and only sold around 10k copies in the US.

-You should be able to see a bias towards older games. This is intentional. Everyone is very quick to throw the latest game atop the heap. Games now, for the most part, are like big budget movies. There really aren't that many that really make a lot of money because of increased production costs. This is a bad trend in gaming. Games are now rated on 'voice acting talent' the way they used to be rated on 'graphics and sound'. There are some INCREDIBLE games out right now that are visually compelling and fun to play. They mostly lose replay value because of elaborate cut scenes, dialogue etc. Replay value is huge now because games cost $60.

-Final Note: I have beaten all the games on the above list that are beatable.

Your friend,

Gus Johnson's Whisper

People We Think Are Bamas Part VIII

2008-12-06T22:57:00.000-08:00

This week’s bama is Ryan Phillipe. Why? There are so many reasons why that it’s almost too overwhelming. You know how you know something is so obvious and then that obtuse chucklehead is like: ‘Gimme an example’ but you can’t think of one on the spot and you get so furious because what you’re saying is obvious and this biscuithead is being stupid? You know that feeling? That’s us with Ryan Phillipe.

1^st, and most importantly, that ‘e’ at the end of his name is so dumb. Is it phillip-eh, philleep, phillip? No one knows. Guaranteed he changes it if he’s somewhere where he wants to sound cultured. You know when that bagadouche is in France he has them pronounce it all accented. Sickening. We hate that ‘e’ like Andy Reid hates facing a challenge decision.

2^nd, bruh? Ummmmmm bruh? You did not just get out of the shower. Why is your hair so wet looking? The state of perpetual wetness is so bamafied. That constant moisture hair is the equivalent of Antoine Walker doing a 3 second shimmy after a making a 1^st quarter 18-footer to put the Celtics down 10 to the Cavaliers in 2002.

3^rd, His marriage and then mysterious relationship ending with Reese Witherspoon. We hate how overhyped Reese Witherspoon is. She is the Troy Aikmen of actresses (Note: Aikman the analyst not the concussed player who never threw for more than 24 TDs in a season. His equivalent is Don Johnson). People just accept that she is the truth. Whatever. But R.Philleep-A, and her were like this young power couple except that she got acting roles and he pretended that he was that b*tchbot from Cruel Intentions in real life. His death scene in that movie is like watching an 8AM Sunday morning pickup hoops game at the Y. It really burned the buntcakes of Gus Johnson’s Whisper that these 2 were always on tv and that their break-up was all mysterious. Without looking it up, name something else he has been in. The only thing we could think of is that doo-doo movie about secret societies at Yale and that was 37 years ago. Was Craig T Nelson in that? Probably. How much better does the T make Craig Nelson? 200%? 500%?

4^th, He was on Inside the Actor’s Studio once and it seemed like he was so desperate to be there. The ballers are sort of like, sure, I’ll come by J. Lipton. You know that dude’s agent or PR person or whatever was hounding J Lip for weeks to squeeze Ryan Phillip-eh in.

-‘Hello is this James Lipton?”

JL: ‘Yes this is the J-Lizzy.’

-‘James, Tracy Masterson here from Team Phillip… PhilleepA… Phill-eep-eh… you know that dude with the wet and curly hair from that movie with the overhyped mouse chick that played Buffy on the TV show?’

JL: ‘Uh… yes… what can I do for you? I have to go prep for my show. I’ve got Kevin Spacey, Daniel Day Lewis, and Merrill Streep coming in this week…’

-‘We were hoping that you could squeeze Ryan Philipsa onto your show. He’s been making this pouty face for 20 minutes in my office and says he’s not going to eat until he gets on your show.’

JL: ‘Aaaiiight den, hit up my assistant and we’ll lock it down. One.’

5^th, he has kids. Imagine if that was your dad. Imagine him trying to teach you how to throw and catch? Can you picture him doing the thing with the football where he holds it sideways, puts it right next to his shoulder, leads with his elbow and shotputs it halfway between you and him then does an awkward laugh? We can picture that and it annoys us.

6^th, Who are his boys? Who does he hang out with? Do you think he has guys over to play Halo? What about to screen movies? Like when the Dark Knight comes out on blue ray, who is he calling to watch it on his huge screen? Guaranteed he won’t even watch it because he’s still salty that Heath Ledger got the part and he didn’t even get a call for Dancing with the Stars 6.

Smell you later Ryan Phillippe, you are a D1 All America Bama.